Who should have paid this restaurant bill?

In My Humble Opinion
1

A few years ago, my (then) boyfriend and I invited another gay couple (long time friends of mine from England) to visit us here in the states. They came, and we had a great time.

Several months later, my boyfriend and I broke up. Then, recently my two friends from England visited the states again and they stayed with me and I took off work for a few days and we went on a few daytrips and I showed them a good time. They were very appreciative and said that they wanted to take me out to dinner on their last night in town to show their appreciation. They said “please invite your ex, we’d like to see him too”. So, I called my ex and he said he would meet us at the restaurant. The next day, I called to make reservations. Then, later in the day my ex called me and asked if it would be okay if he brought his new boyfriend. I called my UK friend and he said it would be fine. Not that it really matters, but no one likes his new boyfriend. He has a tendancy to be extremely pretentious, even though he has very little income. He sponges off of people.

Fast forward to the night of the dinner. Everyone shows up, and we have a nice dinner. Ex’s new boyfriend orders the most expensive thing on the menu, plus several drinks, including an after dinner port wine (even though no one else was drinking). Then, he actually criticized the food and said that there were much better restaurants to choose from. I was horrified, since this restaurant is one of the most celebrated restaurants in my city and it always gets the best reviews. Plus, my friends specifically requested that we go to this restaurant.

Then, the bill came. My UK friend looked at it and started to reach for his wallet, and then my ex asked him “what is my share?” and made a half-hearted attempt to reach into his back pocket for his wallet. My UK friend said, “it’s ok”. So, my ex, without even insisting said, “ok, and slipped his wallet back into his pocket”. I was always taught that the correct way to handle this would be to offer, and if refused, offer again or at least offer to pay the tip. My ex and his boyfriend made absolutely no attempt after their first half-hearted offer was refused.

I did some quick math in my head and I’m pretty sure my ex’s new boyfriend was responsible for more than half the bill, which I estimate to have been around 200 bucks.

I didn’t want to ruin the night, so I didn’t say anything. But, the following day I called my ex and in a civil tone, let him know that these were my friends and I feel like he took advantage of their hospitality. I also told him that he should have insisted on paying for his boyfriends portion and possibly his too, or at least offered to pay the tip. My ex got pissed at me and said, “well, he said it was okay”. I think that my friend was being polite, but my ex says “if he wanted me to pay, he would have said so”. I guess that’s true, but isn’t there a social standard that dictates that you should offer to pay twice in a situation like this?

So, what is the correct way? If I was in my ex’s shoes, I’d have insisted on paying, and if refused, I’d have forced about 60 dollar bucks in his hand and said “this is for the tip”.

2

First, the new BF probably shouldn’t have come along. The other couple offered to take you out as a reciprocal gesture and to see your ex because they’d enjoyed meeting him. It was very polite of them, though understandable since they were put on the spot a bit, to say OK for him to come along.

So now that we know the other couple are really trying hard to be nice, your ex should at least have given them enough cash to cover his new BF’s part of the tab, since he wasn’t a planned-for guest and they didn’t even know him. It would have been good if the other couple could have said something about it, but gracious hosts try to not embarrass guests.

I also suspect that your ex is sort of embarrassed by the new BF’s behavior and feels defensive about it, so that’s why he backed down quick from paying. Otherwise it’d be drawing more attention to the situation. That’s probably also why he’s arguing the point with you.

3

I don’t think that the ex’s new boyfriend should have been invited/allowed to horn in, frankly.

Other than that, I think that the ex should have made a stronger try to pay for his new squeeze’s hollow leg and empty head.

On the other hand, console yourself this way: your ex has to deal with with his new boyfriend constantly now, not just at a rare dinner out with friends. :smiley:

4

Even if your English friend had been bullish about paying for the whole thing - your ex didn’t give him the chance to find out - there was nothing stopping him paying the tip. That’s often the way it goes when one person pays for the others’ meals (among my friends, that’s usually because they’re wealthier than the rest and really do insist).

5

Sure, your ex as wrong. But you knew that, right?

He no doubts thinks what he did was okay, and there is no way you are ever going to make him come around and see what a selfish person he is. You can stew about it all you want, and lecture him all you feel like, and you still aren’t going to make him feel bad. One of the wisest things I’ve read is “other people don’t feel like they deserve your scorn.” He’s not going to respond to how you think he “should” act.

Sounds to me like you’ve still got a lot of resentment. But you’ve got nothing to gain from letting him live rent-free in your head. It’s time to take this is a lesson in “why I’m not going to hang around him any more,” and move on.

6

They invited him. It’s rude to invite somebody and not include their partner regardless of the orientation of the couple.

Imagine this were a married couple. It is not socially acceptable to invite just the husband or just the wife to such an occasion. Couples are a package deal.

If you invite somebody out to dinner, you pay. That’s how it works. If a guest offers to pay, you tell them to “just grab the tip” on the first offer. No dancing around with “no, it’s okay” “I insist” “No really.”

If you decide as a group to go out, the whole group pays. This was clearly not that, as you said they explicitly wanted this dinner to be a token of their appreciation to you.

Your ex should have offered to take care of the tip, but your friends also should have suggested it when he offered to pay the first time. Both parties are equally wrong in that respect. But your friends absolutely were on the hook for your ex’s new squeeze.

7

Your ex offered to pay his share. Your friends said no, we got it. That’s the end of the conversation. None of this “well, he should have offered again” stuff. As an invited guest, he complied with all of his host’s wishes.

Sorry, your friends were in the wrong.

8

If nobody likes the ex-BF’s new BF, he shouldn’t have been invited.

But I have hard time blaming someone for not trying hard enough to contribute money after they have been turned down. Sure, it is common for someone to be taught to offer three times and only then reluctantly accept that one may only offer a fraction of what he really wanted to pay, which then has to be offered in cash because paying a tip by credit card is so rude, blah blah blah. It is also common for people not to be interested in that kabuki dance and that if someone says no, to accept the generosity with appreciation and promise to pay next time, or whatever.

But just because I don’t think it’s fair to criticize the ex or his new guy for not trying hard enough to pay the bill, doesn’t mean that they didn’t sound rude. Making others sit while you sip your after-dinner drink and criticize the restaurant is really a jerk move. He will never be invited to another dinner, right? Good.

9

I agree with this. It certainly would have been nice had the ex offered to pay the tip, but at least he gave a (however halfhearted) attempt to pay the bill.

That said, I think it was rude for your ex to ask to invite his BF. There’s really no way your friends could’ve said no without seeming rude themselves. Were it me, I probably wouldn’t have bothered to ask the friends - I would’ve been the wall instead. I would’ve said something to the ex like, “Your BF is really nice, but he might feel uncomfortable since he doesn’t know <friends>. Why don’t we all get together next time?”

10

I think it was weird of your friends to invite your ex to dinner in the first place. I’ve liked some of my friends’ exes too, but after they break up I don’t ask them to hang out together for my benefit. Granted, I don’t know your situation or how things stand with you and the ex, but it seems like an odd situation to me – and indeed it ended uncomfortably.

But regardless, the gentlemen from England had previously made it clear that they were treating, and the party grew with their knowledge and permission, so it’s reasonable to allow them to pick up the full tab. Your ex’s new guy may have acted boorishly, but that doesn’t change this.

11

I think the exe’s new BF being a pig is what puts it over the top for me.

Yeah, you invite me (with a clear implication that YOUR paying, rather than a “lets get together to eat” kinda thing) for dinner and I get roughly the same cost of food as everyone else I aint going to fight you to pay my share of the bill (but I will fairly strongly insist on gettting the tip). But if what I order is wayyyy above what everyone else is getting cost wise (and I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with that by itself) I will insist on paying a good bit more than just covering the tip.

And, the being a pretentious jerk during the meal. Well, I think almost everyone can agree on the rightness/wrongness of that aspect of the dinner.

12

Eh? What are his friends wrong about? They haven’t complained, or even mentioned it. They generously offered to buy dinner, they paid the bill without hesitation, and declined an offer to contribute.

Which of these actions is wrong?

13

I’d chalk it up to “Lesson Learned”. Pretentious Gluttonous Boor never gets invited again.

14

And here’s where the train went off the tracks. I agree with Wheelz that it seems strange. Unless they knew for certain that it was absolutely fine for both you and your ex to be thrust together this way, I would think it clueless and insensitive to ask for exes to spend an evening together. If they really wanted to see him, there are any number of ways they could have arranged it that didn’t have to include you.

The narrative suggests that you knew about Ex’s new boyfriend before calling him to extend the invitation. If that is so, I think it was remiss to not apprise your English guests of the situation, which predictably would get NBF involved in the dinner plans. Perhaps they would have chosen not to invite Ex if they knew it meant the party might expand to five.

I see enough blame here for everyone to get a share, but it seems that if NBF hadn’t been there it likely would have been a nice evening for the four of you. Heck, I’ve never even met him and already I don’t want to ever see him again.

Who should have paid? That’s a mess. I agree with many observations made in this thread:

~Those who invite others to dinner should expect to pay.
~Hosts should include SO’s in their invitation.
~Someone invited should not ask the hosts if they can bring someone else along.
~Someone invited should make more than one weak attempt at contributing, especially if they have directly or indirectly caused the bill to swell.
~Hosts should avoid the feeble “that’s okay,” and either insist clearly that they want to pay it all or suggest that the guest pay the tip.
~Guests – especially those that have no prior knowledge of the hosts – should be moderate in their consumption.

Sorting through all that, what’s “correct”? Hard to say.

Who’s got class? The English guys.

Who could use more class? Ex.

Who’s so devoid of class or anything that resembles it that one might prefer to dine with a rabid wolverine? Aw, you know who.

15

The only thing I can see wrong here is the ex inviting someone along.

Your ex offered to pay. BEGGING and PLEADING to pay really isn’t necessary. Personally, I am always embarrassed when I offer to pay and someone doesn’t accept graciously and allow me to do so. Ex offered, he was told it wasn’t necessary and that was the end of it.

At least you have the satisfaction of knowing the ex definitely traded down. :slight_smile:

16

One more thought: did you ask you UK friends three times if it was really ok? :wink:

17

IMHO, talking about what “should” have happened in some abstract objective sense doesn’t have any meaning to it. If I were the ex-boyfirend, I would have just paid half the check. I wouldn’t have reached for my wallet and asked what my share was, I would have just thrown down my credit card and said “let’s split it, our end is probably half the total since my boyfriend is the only one drinking.”

18

Once you’re invited to dinner, you should be invited with the same status as everyone else. That doesn’t make him not a jerk, but he should be just as invited as someone else once he was invited. The ex shouldn’t have asked to bring him. The friends shouldn’t have asked the ex to dinner. The OP shouldn’t have passed on the request to bring him. But once all of that happened, he was an invited guest with the same standing as everyone else at the meal.
ETA: Oh, and I fucking “hate” little games like, “Oh, let ME pay this.” “Oh, I insist.” “Oh no, I insist.” “Omigod, he didn’t insist TWICE.” What the fuck ever. Life’s too fucking short to have these conversations all the damned time.

19

Your visiting friends should have paid, as they did. The ex’s new boyfriend was rude by taking advantage of someone inviting him to dinner, but it sounds like everyone knows that is the kind of person he is.

I do kind of excuse the ex for asking to invite his BF though. I can imagine he was in a bit of a spot with his current BF, being asked to dinner with his ex and all. I can see why he would want to take his current BF. So yeah, kind of an odd situation but it kind of was caused by inviting ex in the first place, so your friends were right to pay and I don’t think ex needed to have insisted more than he did.

20

I disagree that the ex’s boyfriend needed to be invited if he was in fact a relatively new boyfriend.

With married or cohabiting couples, yeah, then they’re a package deal, but it’s unreasonable to expect your friends to foot the bill for dinner for everyone you happen to be dating if they invite you out.