Well, on December 26th we will be boarding a place to go to DC to see my family. Thanks to the increasing decline of civility and common sense among airline passengers, I’m dreading it. So let me please get a head start on my bitching.
To the person who bangs on the side of the parking lot van to make it stop: Go read magdalene’s post and substitute van for train. There will be another van. The fact that the doors are closed and we’re moving means YOU’VE MISSED THIS ONE. And every one of us has a plane to catch, so don’t plead with the driver to skip everyone else’s stop to drop you off first because you’re running late. They’ll be other planes if you miss it. I realize that’s a bitch, but these things happen when you’re running late. And I don’t care if it was a 29-car pileup that made you late instead of your own stupidity. Fate happens, and if you can’t accept that, I suggest you stay home for the rest of your life.
To the person who stays too long at the bar while waiting for the plane to depart: Hey, buddy. I can swear like a sailor, too. I know all those words. That doesn’t mean I want to hear them at loud volume coming out of your mouth because the line’s so long. Neither does granny over there, nor that little 6-year-old travelling with her mom. No, this is not a free speech issue, you moron. I’m not the government, so me telling you to shut your ugly hole doesn’t rise to the level of a constitutional violation. Fucking nitwits like you who least understand the concept of rights are the first people to screech about them. I find that amusing.
To the person trying to inch/nudge/crowd their way to the front of the boarding line: I’m sitting 18 rows behind you, toots. That means if I get on before you, I won’t be in your way at all. However, if you cut in front of me like you’re doing now, you WILL be holding me and numerous other people up. They board planes rear-to-front for a reason.
To the person trying to carry on 18 cubic yards of stuff Um, hello? Thank you for not only taking up the entire overhead bin above your seat, but the ones on either side, too. It’s obvious you checked your luggage–so why not carefully pack those holiday gifts into a box and check them too? Here’s another clue: when the string-handle is ripping off the bag, you’ve got too much in there. And don’t snarl at anyone who later tries to use the bin–it’s not their fault you’ve carried on too much to keep it from getting crushed. Wise the fuck up.
To the person who makes the shitty comment about the fact that I’m traveling with a toddler and will be sitting near them. I don’t give a shit if you hate kids–that’s your perogative. However, the fact that you’d be willing to say that so I can overhear it tells me a lot about your character. If you didn’t like black people, would you feel okay making a racist comment about how many of them there were on the plane? What if you hated old people? Would you bitch about the old biddy getting on the plane, within earshot of her caregiver? Keep your fucking negative prejudiced thoughts to yourself. My kid is a member of this soceity too, like it or not. More importantly, we bought him his own seat. He’s on the passenger list, so he has the right to be here just like you do. I will do my best to keep him from being disruptive just like I always do, and I’ll appreciate the other passengers who respect that children are people too. It’s a real pity you’re not one of them–but it’s a bigger pity that you weren’t raised to know that making comments like that aloud makes you one lowclass guttersnipe.
To the goddamn idiot to calls the flight attendant over to check the status of their connecting flight. For christ’s sake, what in the hell is the F/A supposed to do? How can they tell you that sure, they’ll hold the plane for you personally. Come on. At the end of the flight, they’ll pass on any connecting gate information they have. Stop bugging the flight attendant–you’re slowing down her serving me my much-needed scotch, worrywart.
To the moron who insists on standing up before the plane reaches the gate: Two things, genius. The first is, you’re risking injury to other passengers. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you knock your own teeth out, but the fact that you might hurt a passenger who IS staying seated bothers me. A taxiiing plane can lurch, brake suddenly, etc. There is a reason you’re asked to stay seated instead of standing up and yanking down your crap from the bin overhead. And guess what? You’re delaying the entire process. Why? Because when the F/A sees you doing this, she will radio the pilot to STOP taxiiing. They are not allowed to be moving on the tarmac with any passenges unseated. The plane will stop until you sit your sorry ass back down and the F/A can run down the aisle to close the damn overhead bin you opened. Thanks, dick.
To the people hugging relatives right outside the jetway: Your reunion is very moving. Nice touch, dude, giving her roses. And over there, that grandma hugging her grandkids with tears in her eyes? Awwwww, very sweet. But has it occurred to you that 200 people need to get through? Could you maybe move yourselves over two feet so people can get by? This is common goddamn sense.
** To everyone at the luggage carousel:** This is simple geometry. Many of us had this is high school math class–but even earlier, we learned it during Circle Time in kindergarten. You make a bigger circle so everyone can be in it. There are more of us who need to see the bags than there is space around the carousel. If you all step back about two feet, we can ALL have a clear line of sight, and we can each step in two steps to fetch a bag when it arrives. If you insist on shortening the diameter of the circle by crowding in against the carousel, it’s not going to feel great when 5 people in a row have to shove you aside to reach their bag and then ram you in the shin and shoulder with it. BACK THE FUCK UP.
Okay, I’m out of breath. I hate travelling. No, that’s not true. I love travelling. But way too many of the other passengers exasperate me to no end.
