A few weeks ago, the ants had a town meeting. One particularly outraged ant must have stood up and said “Why should WE have to live outside while this FAT CAT, lobstermobster, gets to have this climate controlled office where spilled diet coke dribbles and food crumbs flow like milk and honey? The ant crowd murmured in agreement which quickly escalated into an uproar of approval. And so with a quick vote it was decided, the ants were to annex lobstermobster’s office and claim it as Antsylvania.
This would not be an easy task, for lobstermobster is known throughout the land as being quite diabolical (and quite fond of her ant-free office). The ants would have to engage in a winner-take-all battle of the wits that would last for many days and many nights.
Unaware of the strength of the enemy, the first line of ant infantry began to march unarmed into the office guided by the sweet sweet smell of garbage wafting from the wastebasket, remnants of many lean cuisine lunches past. Well it didn’t take our lobster long to figure this one out and much to the dismay of her co-workers, relocated the garbage cans to the hallway and called housekeeping, begging for more frequent trash pickup.
No longer able to follow the beacon of trash smell, the ants continued bravely for days to march scentlessly into the office. They marched by the hundreds, never stopping to rest. All of a sudden the wind began to stir around them. The winds grew stronger and more furious until……what’s this! Lobstermobster arrives wielding a high power vacuum used by the laboratory staff to pick up spilled kibble and corn cob bedding! Try as they might their little ant feet could not cling to the carpet against the strong Hoover winds. Hundreds died that day. When word got back to the ant village, the ants mourned the lost of the brave soldiers who were sucked into their deaths. Each ant poured a drop of ant beer to the ground to remember the lost.
One might think the story ends here, that the ants decided they were no match for lobstermobster’s cunning. No. They regrouped and decided that they will take the office no matter what. This time they arrive with triple their original numbers. They storm ahead, fearless. Just when they think they’ve not been fighting in vain, the rain comes. Lobstermobster, forbidden to use ant poison or raid due to her working in an animal facility, has maniacally prepared a 2% bleach solution. The stinging waters pound down, searing exoskeletons, blinding eyes, drowning each ant. They try to swim but its useless. This time the ants have surely been defeated. For good measure, lobstermobster covers her desk and other surfaces in her office with this bleach barrier and goes home for a long Columbus day weekend.
The ants are pissed. Burned, blinded, crushed, mutilated, this battle is personal now. Getting a head start over the weekend the ants come by the thousands this time in lines so thick you cant tell the ants apart. They blend in to the carpet which they use to their advantage. The thought that every step lobstermobster takes she is squishing their very ant essence into her carpet creating a layer of disgusting ant gore across her office is enough to send her into therapy.
Lobster is distraught. She has run out of strategies and is actually considering trying to find a way to co-exist with her ant overlords. In a final attempt to claim her office she secretly creates a trail of Doritos crumbs into the office of her boss to divert the ants. The ants will not be fooled. So lobstermobster comes to you, humbled on bended knee, for non-poison battle strategies you may be willing to share. She puts her faith in god and her trust in you, members of the straight dope message board. Please help.
Computer generated image (not a photograph): http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2283/1533740705_9baa9b0d17_o.jpg
