Any other new fathers feel like this

In My Humble Opinion
1

The little one is now eleven weeks old, for the most part things are good. However lately I haven’t been able to do squat to keep her from screaming if Iris isn’t around. I used to be able to carry her, walk with her, sing to her, play with her, all sorts of things. The last few times I just can’t so she screams.

Her screams are not the sort I’ve ever heard from other babies either. My sister is sixteen years younger then me so I took care of her and don’t remember such screaming. It’s enough that even with ear plugs my ears hurt.

Last night was the worst so far. Iris went shopping and the second she left Sabina started screaming. I tried carrying her which usually works. Changed her, gave her a pacifier, rocked her. None of those worked. After twenty minutes I had to call Iris and have her come home. I ended up just putting the baby in her crib and letting her cry.

This is also causing problems between Iris and I, we fight more now, and a lot worse then we did before the baby came along. They’re really not that bad, but there are more of them.

Now, however we are going to have a problem. It’s almost time for Iris to go back to work. We can not get by without her going to work. We haven’t found day care yet as Iris wants the baby near her and there are still a few people on the list in front of us. That means that both of us will have to take time off to watch the baby. At first I was fine with it, but now I’m not sure I want to do that at all. Before the plan was for each of us to have two days with the baby and her parents for one day. Her parents have said they want to watch her for two days now, which would leave only one for me, but I’m not even sure I want to do that much.

I’m not feeling like much of a father right now, especially after last night. I’ve always wanted to be a father, and never had so many problems with other kids. I know it’s not the same, but none of my other friends that I’ve talked to have said anything like this. It’s not that I don’t want the baby, I just don’t want to take care of her without Iris around.

So do other new fathers feel the same way? Is it common? Like I said I’ve never heard anyone else talk about it, nor have I read anything about it either.

2

I’m not a Dad (I’m a mom), but here’s my two cents…

Is Mom nursing? If so, that may be a cause for part of the problem, as Baby associates Mom with comfort (and food). If she’s nursing, then YOU should be feeding baby any bottles, with Mom out of sight/hearing.

Does Baby “allow” you to hold her or comfort her when Mom is there? You might try responding to Baby’s cries when Mom is there. You may also try having Mom’s nightgown close by (for the smell) when you’re holding Baby.

Good luck, and hang in there. It does get better as they get older.

3

Let me soothe you, son. Like Bruce Dickenson soothed his high school teachers.

Yes, it’s frustrating. And it’s completely normal. No matter what (especially if there’s breastfeeding involved) the baby is going to have a stronger bond with the mother early on in a two parent household. It’s something you have to suck up and get through. And it’s intimidating as hell and one of the most difficult things for a new father. I’ve been there. I understand.

You can overcome it by becoming a ready source of comfort and food for the little one. Provide bottles (if she’ll take them). Play with her often. Change her and so forth. Be there for her. Remember, when she’s this small she’s just getting the idea that there’s PEOPLE out there and she’s currently recognizing your wife most of all and maybe you if she recalls who you are from moment to moment. Your wife is the one who soothes and feeds (as mentioned on Caress of Steel). You can insert yourself into that a bit by stepping up and just doing it.

Fatherhood isn’t all baseball and fly fishing, after all. There are barriers to overcome. But they are absolutely worth the effort.

Remember, you’ve seen me in person with my oldest when she was young, right? We have a strong bond now. But at one point I felt just as you do. I felt like I couldn’t do it because the baby only wanted Lady Chance and nothing I could do would change that. But I got through it through persistence (there was quite a bit of pint-sized screaming involved, I admit). So you know if can be done.

Tips again:

Bottle feed.
Change.
Speak with her.
Be with her.
Carry her when you’re out and about. Don’t just be the dad with the bag.
When she’s in day care try to arrange it so that you pick her up a good share of the time (I picked up most days for Kate). That way she’ll start associating you with good things.

You can get my email in the profile. I’ll be glad to talk if you need it. There is NOTHING that I’ve gone through more stressful than adding a baby to the family (and I’ve done it twice and we’re thinking of adopting two more!) but it’s a worthy thing and great fun in the long run. Trust me on this.

4

Here’s a link for you:

What’s it like to be three months old?

Note that one of the items is ‘beginning to learn to recognize different people in my family’. Well and good.

But the downside to that is that she can also recognize that you’re NOT MOMMY! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER! I’M CALLING HOMELAND SECURITY!

and so forth.

You’re get through this. I utterly guarantee you.

5

One of the most wonderful and frustrating things about babies is that just when you think you’ve figured them out, they change. “She loves her pacifier. I can use her pacifier and she’s totally happy.” Two days later…“She spits it out, cries as soon as she sees it. She hates me for trying to give it to her!”

The good news is that just as she has changed for “the worse” right now, she’ll change back again to something new and completely different and probably “better” in a few weeks. Don’t make long-term decisions based on her behavior right now. Often when babies hit the three month mark, there’s a dramatic change. Usually, they’re easier, sometimes they’re not. Mom is comfort and she’s just waking up to the fact that Mom is different than Dad. Just try to remember that this is just a short blip in the radar of your lives. A few weeks or months seems like an eternity when you’re going through a rough period, but looking back on it, it’s just a few weeks or months. Next thing she’s in kindergarten and it’s all pretty much forgotten. (And usually around two or three, they go through a “I want Daddy and no one but Daddy, Mommy can go poop in her hat.”)

Being new parents is not easy and fighting more is very, very common. You’re tired, you’re not in control of your life, you’re frustrated and who better to take it out on? The person who could be doing something more and giving you less to do! The problem is, that person also feels just like you do. It really is a very, very short time in your overall life. Didn’t it seem to take forever for her to be born? Now, can you imagine life without her? Change is stressful, what you’re going through is very normal. Unfortunately guys seem to talk less about this stuff. But that doesn’t mean you’re alone. You cared enough to ask -that makes you a good dad right there.

6

The screaming will make you crazy. That’s Article A. Putting her to cry by herself in the crib is not the worst thing you can do in such a situation. The saving grace is that the screaming phase is very temporary. If she’s 11 weeks, she’s about to emerge from it, inshallah. All three of my kids were colicky to one degree or another, and finally, with the third, my wife figured out that some dietary modification on her part – namely, cutting out dairy – made a big difference. It might be worth a try, if your wife is nursing. Doesn’t cost anything, that’s the beauty of it. Some other foods like broccoli and onions are also bad by reputation. Of course, if you’re bottle feeding, forget I said anything. In either case, you can try holding her draped over your knee, lying on her stomach – in other words, she’d be extended along your thigh, with her head around your knee. That seemed to help for at least one of my kids. You can jiggle her a bit and pat her back.

7

If you would just grow some boobies and nurse her…( and you can too, with proper hormone treatment.)

Anywhoooo, what Jonathan Chance said.
Also, remember the preceptions you had about babyhood and what actually happens are two different things. learning to deal with the let down of “It’s not all warm, fuzzy, hazy feelgood moments.” and " She just wont’ stop crying!!!1111!!! What is wrong with me/her and IT WASN’t S’POSE TO BE LIKE THIS DAMMMMMIT!" is what I feel contributes heavily into the whole part partum depression ( in men too.)

Do you have a mechanical swing? There isn’t a child out there that doesn’t…uh…shutup…during a good swing session! Or if you have a ceiling fan. God, those things are the best invention evar.
Gripe water for baby
You can take comfort in the fact that I have a cousin who has 7 boys. ( 7!) The eldest is about 14, the youngest just past 2 or so. ( Anywhooo, he HATES the baby phase. He said he is completely useless during this phase. The kids were all breastfed. His wife hates the screaming toddler phase. So that is when he jumps into gear. They are all awesome kids and the parents still have most of their marbles. YMMV.)
Hang in there. Remember, parenting is alot like gardening. Just when you think you have everything done, you see a weed pop up. By the time you manage to pull out that weed and pat yourself on the back for a Job Well Done, another weed comes along behind you. Parenting and gardening go hand in hand. (And the weeds pop up like freakin’ whack a moles when the start school. )

And no, you cannot Round Up the kid when they are screaming like a banshee. No ManTools or Major chemicals ( except Benadryl) ever work with kids. Its the ceiling fans, car keys, real remotes, watching kids bounce on a trampoline, seeing a balloon let go and jets flying over head that will always calm them down and put them into the Baby OM place.

Take it one weed at a time.

8

Can’t add much more without repeating the good advice you got so far except to say what you’re going through is common, normal, reasonable and good for you for trying to openly deal with it.

Continue to stay involved and as your baby grows you’ll bond stronger and stronger.

9

It’s a pretty normal thing. We were lucky in that Jimmy really, really didn’t do this type of thing much, he was (and still is) a remarkably happy baby (remember at your wedding recption? He didn’t cry all night). Still, I was told that this is about the age where babys realize that they are seperate creatures from their moms. Up til that point they think that mom is a part of them, that’s got to be a realization that makes one want to cry! You’ll get thru it, and when they’re not yelling their head off, baby/daddy times are some of the most precious memories I have. Absolutely nothing in my life has ever felt as spectacular as little Jimmy, curled up sleeping on my chest. sigh

10

I’m currently going through this for the second time. I don’t have much to add to what’s already been said except to reassure you that gets better. That first year or so is all about Mommy, especially if they’re breast feeding. Bottle feeding helps, but don’t stop with bottles. If they’re old enough, try feeding them some solids (applesauce, bananas, other soft stuff). I’m not sure if anyone has mentioned teething but that can be a major cause of discomfort and screaming. Try giving them something hard (but not too hard) to bite on. I find that ginger snaps work well but you can find teething biscuits in the baby section of any supermarket. There are also a variety of toys designed for teething but my babies rarely seem to show any interest in them.

When I’ve been really desperate, I’ve found that one way to get them to go to sleep is to pack them in the car seat and go for a drive. Works almost every time. For some reason, running the vaccuum cleaner works on my ten month old as well.

Sometimes I’ve found that I can break them out of a crying jag by making them laugh. That usually involves making faces, hurting myself or making a jackass out of myself in other ways. Doing something totally unexpected and absurd seems to shock them into silence for a moment and then they start laughing.

Sometimes you’re just not going to get them to shut up. It’s frustrating and exhausting but it’s normal. Just keep holding them as much as you can.

11

Well it’s good to know I’m not a total dolt, a big dolt, but not a total one.

I do interact with the baby a lot. While I don’t change most of the diapers, I do change a few every day. Iris is breast feeding, and while I have tried it once, it just didn’t work for me. I have once or twice given a bottle, but Sabina just looked at me like what the hell are you doing giving me this. I think tonight I will have Iris pump and I will feed her.

I do tend to leave her alone if she’s happy and playing. We have a few things she likes to lay on so if she’s looking at the mirror and I figure if she’s happy no reason to change that. When we go for walks I’m usually the one that carries her as we have a sling that she likes.

It seems that the last week or so she’s started to learn who we are then, I thought she knew before who we were but maybe she didn’t. That should prove to be interesting when Iris goes to give the bath as I’m the one that’s always done that.

12

Maybe you should try taking some estrogen.

Come on…it was just hanging there. I had to take a swing.

13

Not a parent. But, my brother is a father, and was once a new father, and I have an anecdote about him.

The worst fight my brother and his wife ever had was when Sis in Law wanted to go to a baby shower and leave my brother with the 4 month old and two year old for an entire day. Baby was nursing–which can be unfun for baby, mommy, and whoever gets to try to convince baby that the bottle (formula or breast milk) is as good as Mommy. Baby actually had been “usually a content baby, but when she gets mad, only Mommy will do” practically since birth.

My brother actually said that he would rather have a broken leg, than stay at home all day with the children-- not wise. Sis in Law is a stay at home mom- with ambitions that may never make her rich, but it isn’t like she sits in front of the TV all day, or lets the children do that.

And this was for a one time event. So, I don’t think your feelings are that unusual/unreasonable. Which doesn’t mean that your wife will appreciate them/sympathize with them, especially if she’s feeling like she’d rather stay home with baby rather than go back to work.

14

I can’t add any more, Edward (and damn but it feels strange to call you that!) but to tell you that it’s normal, and keep at it. I’ll echo the you-feed-her-bottles thing, with Iris nowhere around. Comfort and cuddle and do all you can, whether you think it helps or not. Have a shower with her, that used to calm my nephew.

Good luck. Auntie Gingy will come watch her anytime you need.

15

As you can see, some of us have Been There, Done That. It’s so heartwarming to pick up a fussing child, only to make it worse. :o

Just know that it’s just not your time yet. Right now, you’re as usless as tits on a boar hog. Gradually, you’ll find your way and you’ll be the go-to guy for some things. One key thing is that your wife needs to understand that you can only have limited effectiveness at this stage.

Also, examine closely the need for her to go back to work full time immediately. Oftentimes, Mom’s salary - Daycare - Commuting Costs - Missed Time From Work When Kid’s Sick (usually an ear infection picked up at daycare) = Not Worth It.

Seriously, with our first child we did that, and it worked out that my wife was working full time and running around like crazy for $300-400 a month, once you took out daycare, etc. (And that’s from her then-salary of ~$55K).

16

I think we finally have an explaination for most of your posts on the SDMB! :stuck_out_tongue:

[sub]Come on…it was just hanging there. I had to take a swing.[/sub]

17

Mom of b/g twins checking in (they’re 2 years old now :wshew:). You’ve gotten some excellent advice (and I totally agree w/you, NEVER disturb a happy baby). I’d like to add the following:

  • Get yourself a copy of Harvey Karp’s Happiest Baby on the Block - it is available on DVD. He shows you 5 sure-fire techniques for soothing a sobbing infant. They worked very well for us & our twins - not that they didn’t cry frequently, but it rarely lasted for long.

  • My dd started teething @ 11 weeks - fist in mouth, drooling, whole nine yards. If you suspect that, talk to your ped about pain relief & see what s/he recommends.

  • Have a bottle handy & offer it when she sobs. She might need to “comfort feed”, or could be unexpectedly hungry b/c of a growth spurt, you never know. You won’t “make her fat” by offering food - just don’t force it.

  • On tough days, sometimes I’d grab a camera & take pictures of them being impossible. It helped remove me from the moment.

  • Now that the weather’s getting nice, you could try taking her to the park and laying her on a blanket next to you, under the trees. We spent many afternoons mesmerized by the leaves overhead.

:soapbox moment: I think the only reason I’m “better” at comforting my twins than my dh is I don’t give up. The buck stops w/me. When all else fails (including Harvey), stay calm and don’t focus on “fixing” the crying; relax, go into a Zen moment, accept her crying, and know that This Too Shall Pass. Just be present w/your baby.

(unless you’re ready to lose it yourself, in which case leaving her alone to cry and stepping away is the right choice – don’t fret, we’ve ALL been there) (one mom of twins posted online that she’d just wear headphones to drown hers out; I thought that was a bit extreme, but perhaps better than the alternative)

18

I forgot to mention this, but it’s good advice – outside air is often enough by itself to calm a baby down.

19

Babies cry. And sometimes there’s nothing you can do.

You could try lying on the couch and letting her lie on your chest. Pat her back. If she’s fussy she could settle down once she realizes that you’re not Mommy but Daddy and Not So Bad.

Please, try not to fight with the wife. You’re tired, unsure of yourself, afraid you’re going to make a mistake. Guess what? You’re going to screw up. You’re going to screw up royally. Your parents screwed up at one time or another, I’ve screwed up, hell, I’ll bet Diogenes has screwed up. It’s not the end of the world. You fix it and move on.

You’ll get through this. Remember, she’s an 11 week old baby, and you’re 11-week old parents. You’ll learn together. The nice thing is, she won’t ever remember this.

20

Chiming in with similar experience.

Our kid had colic from 2 weeks to 16 months, then the terrible twos showed up until she was 3, so there was much screaming in our house. It adds to marital tension, it makes you feel helpless, it keeps you up nights worrying and thinking.

I will give you this little piece of advice though, don’t count on the “it’ll change” to help you much. I got counseled with that chestnut many times. Yes, it will change, but you won’t know when. For us we didn’t see the change until after it was long over with. I found that when I tried to be present with it without expectation it was easier to deal with rather than hoping for the day it would be over with.

Definitely put her down when you’re frustrated, and get as much help as you can with family and friends. If it gets unbearable find someone you trust (or get professional help) to talk about the “un-mentionable” resentments that may come up for you.