Any other new fathers feel like this

In My Humble Opinion
21

My three month old daughter can be snapped out of a crying fit by a breeze on her face. Blow on her face and she’ll give a huge suprise reaction. Usually she goes right back to crying. But sometimes she’s so suprised she’ll forget to keep crying. But the best thing is to take her outside. A little fresh air often makes her forget to cry. And her screams don’t seem so loud outside either. Funny how a baby’s cry is so loud, but it doesn’t really carry. And of course, walking. Nothing like a baby screaming at 2:00 in the morning that can’t be soothed unless you carry her around the house like a zombie.

Luckily she’s learned to smile now. And she’s learning to stuff her hand in her mouth. And kick her legs to make her mobile bounce.

With really little kids nothing stays the same. You don’t have to hold out for 18 years, just a month or so. And then you’ll have all new problems. Like a three year old who decides she doesn’t like pooping, so she’ll just stop. :smack:

22

A mommy chiming in here. My hubby always has done better with the screaming than I. My daughter was quite the screamer - she scared people with her screams.

What helped me was to remember that I couldn’t necessarily fix things for her. But I could be there with her. With earplugs in so I didn’t lose it.

If she’s used to being in the sling with you for walks, use that to your advantage. As long as you aren’t somewhere with miserable weather right about now, spend as much time as you can outside. Screams aren’t nearly as loud when you aren’t surrounded by walls.

How has she been with a pacifier usually? Some breastfed babies will prefer sucking on a (clean) pinky finger.

We also found that Baby Einstein did a good job of calming her at times, if you’re not against the idea of young kids watching tv.

23

The other important thing to remember is that any bad parenting decisions you make now are PERMANENT and IRREVOCABLE. If you make a mistake now, you’ll screw up your child for the rest of their lives. Also, only the children of bad parents cry.

24

Hey, congradulations on being a father, by the way! That is really a great thing.

Anyways, I was your daughter. You know what my dad did? He sang to me. Specifically, he sang Gordon Lightfoot and James Taylor. Held me tight and sang The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald or Fire and Rain. Mom seemed to think that it worked because he has a relatively deep voice and feeling it in his chest calmed me down.

I guess that is the reason that I am the only 22 year old that has the full collection of James and Gordon on vinyl and CD. I am listening to “Baby James” right now. :slight_smile:

25

If she doesn’t like her bottle, you may have to try a few to find one she does like (assuming mom’s going to be unavailable at times.) I just found these new bottles at babies r us called Breastflow by The First Years, and damned if they aren’t actually like the breast! Instead of the difficult sucking motion other bottles demand, these use a two-nipple system to make the baby do that munching/pulling action they use on the breast. I was so excited to see my 12 month old suddenly switch from a bottle suck to a breastfeeding motion which is much better exercise for her jaw and tongue. She’s been on them for two months now, and has made huge improvements in her speech development. Her therapist is so psyched by these bottles, she’s bought one to keep in her bag and show other patients. It might be easier to get her to take this, since it’s so much like the breast.

(One of the pictures on that link shows a baby using the bottle. Note the very wide mouth and good breastfeeding “latch” on the bottle nipple.)

26

I can only hope this is sarcastic or am I being wooshed?

27

You couldn’t be more whooshed if you were standing in a wind tunnel, is my guess.

28

<laughing painful laugh>
this was perfect. I wish someone had had the sense to tell me this when I was going through it all.
Edward --I hafta agree with whoever upthread said don’t count on it ending-live in the moment. It can be awfully hard to switch off the anxiety and the tension once baby has fallen blissfully asleep after a banshee session, but try. It’ll be easier on you in the long run.

Have very small expectations in terms of chores accomplished, errands run etc–at least until Baby is a bit older. I found that I was incredibly angry during this time with my first, because I had unrealistic expectations of how much I could get done and how much should get done etc.

Also try very hard to not turn on your foxhole companion, aka your wife. You both are anxious about how to do all this “right”. Try to be nice to one another, even as sleep deprivation becomes a black hole for you both. It will pay off long term as well.

You can do this—and your wife can go back to work. Your world has been turned upside down, but it will right itself (skewed to a new normal) soon. Hang in there.

29

I feel for you, but I’ll tell ya… My ex made me come home from work once because he couldn’t handle the crying. That’s not cool. You need to just deal with it. First, make sure she’s not sick. An ear infection can be excrutiating and that frequently causes Psychotic Screaming Baby Syndrome (PSBS). She may also have a digestive issue going on. Their little tummies can get all tense and knotted up. You need to find out for sure.

I think it’s society’s training that’s making you feel like this is your wife’s problem. I can tell you that I resented the hell out of my ex (emphasis on EX) for this attitude. If the diaper was too icky, he’d get a neighbor to change it. I totally understand why this is causing problems between you and your wife, but you need to be on the same team starting NOW. It’s not easy and not always pretty, but the little baby daughter is BOTH your responsibility and always will be. Might as well jump in with both feet now before the resentment builds and/or destroys your marriage.

30

Ditto with a little lemon juice on the finger. Just put an ever-so-slight bit on her tongue and the surprise thing will usually stop the PSBS.

31

Huh, well I guess I shouldn’t have put the cat and the baby in a crib death match then. I guess I can take the cat out now anyway as he’s lazy and hasn’t even made a move against the baby, and all the damn baby does is just lay there.

I don’t think it’s my wife’s problem. I do many things for the baby, including change her. I even got her up this morning and brought her to mommy for breakfast. It was just the last two weeks or so when she didn’t like being with me at all and it got to me.

Last night was better, she still didn’t want to calm down for me, but I was able to get through it no problem. I did try blowing on her face and she hated it, I think she would have killed me if I did it again. She did finally calm down a bit, right as Iris was coming back from her run.

I tried giving her a bottle last night, she doesn’t want it. I’m hoping she’ll learn soon as we got a spot for day care. Even Iris couldn’t get her to take it. She’ll learn though, or back in with the cat she’ll go.

32

As far as bottles, I found my kids would never take a bottle from my wife. If she holds them they want the real thing. If I hold them, then they’ll take a bottle. Or the pinkie finger. You’re much more likely to be able to give them a bottle than your wife.

33

Mine went through exactly the same stage at pretty much the same age. At first I could comfort her, but then for awhile nothing I did worked. It went away around 4 months.

I found it dismaying, to say the least. Don’t worry, it’ll go away.

34

Babies cry. It’s what they do. Birds fly, fish swim, and babies cry. Crying doesn’t hurt the baby, and while it is heart (and eardrum) breaking to you, it’s not going to hurt the baby. Once you are sure that there are no pressing needs that the baby is trying to communicate to you (diaper, food, comfort, nap, etc.) let her cry.

ETH, keep in mind your wife’s hormones are still going back to “not pregnant” levels. Your hormones have changed too. Babies are very expensive, and since you mentioned that you need financially for your wife to go back to work, I’m assuming that finances are a bit tight. That is pretty normal too, the majority of my arguments with my wife at that time were because of the strain on our wallets. In my experience these two things (hormones & money) probably account for most of your increase in arguments. Time will take care of the hormones, but only more money can fix the second. I ended up having to stop taking classes in the evenings, and getting a second job for a time until we got financially stable again. YMMV.

35

Father of a two-year-old checking, mostly to agree with everyone else. My son only wanted mommy for first several weeks. It wasn’t until she left us alone together for a full day that the two of us came to an agreement that, after several hours of screaming and frustration, maybe we could peacefully coexist. Now, he and I are best buds.

It’s totally normal. And yes, when they’re scraming full into your ear, you understand for a brief, horrible moment why children are abused by otherwise good people. Then the moment passes, and you realized you passed the test. You will be tested many more times, and you will pass all of them.

36

When I was weaning my son from the breast to the bottle, I couldn’t get him to take it in his mouth at all. I KNEW he was hungry, and finally out of frustration I squirted some into his mouth. (It was pumped breastmilk.) His eyes lit up when he tasted it, and it he took the bottle.

37

I am not a new father, but I have 5 kids and raised a sixth, whom we failed to adopt, from new born to potty training, so I have some idea what I’m talkng about.

First, yes everything your talking about is normal, and at the same time, it is normal not to go through this. Our oldest are twins. For one, I was the center of the universe, except for feeding. (The only one of our kids who would take a bottle was the boy we tried to adopt, who obviously only ever had a bottle. Maybe those new ones will work, but you’d better find out.) At a slightly older age, when we did the classic Olan Mills trips, she was only happy while waiting when hunkered down with me. Mom was ok, but I was security. Her twin sister had no more use for me than I do for a tampon. Yeah, I would change her diapers and sing to her and everything, but if she was upset only mom or Father Time made a difference. Sometimes she would look at me as if wondering, “What the hell is he here for?”

Second, try lots of positions. Occassionally, try a position she didn’t accept before. They change every day. For a little while, the belly head down on your extended legs position mentioned above worked for some of them. It never worked at all for others. All part of the fun.

Third, putting her in the crib and walking out of the room is much better than risking snapping. I had an aunt once tell me that if you need to, put 'em in the crib and walk once around the house. I found that when all else failed putting one in a crib and listening to a favorite tune or a bit of TV helped. A few minutes crying alone in a crib won’t hurt her. Anything is better than getting so frustrated you might hurt her.

You are going to fight with your wife more. You are (both) tired. You are (both) frustrated. You have more things to argue about. Even though couples with children are supposedly happier in their later years than couples without, children are very hard on a marriage. They say couples fight over bed, money, and kids, and babies impact all three.

On the plus side, you will soon be building many happy family memories that might keep you together through rough times in your marriage. I’ve been married over 20 years, and yes there have been times I felt like walking. But, the thought of not seeing my kids every day always pulled me through. And let’s face it. Make up sex is about the best. When they can sit they are more fun. When they can crawl they are more fun yet. When they toddle they are even more fun. (I never minded the so called terrible twos. Yeah, they say “no” a lot. It’s not like I hadn’t heard it a million times before. :D) So far, every age is the best age. Once they can sit.

38

Oh, another thing. You know the football carry?

Take her in your left arm. Your hand grabs her by the front of her diaper, and her body rests on your forearm. She’s looking down at a 45 degree angle. This is a really easy way to carry her, very low energy expenditure, she gets to look around, and you can pat her back with your right hand. That’s my favorite way to carry a baby, plus you look like a real pro, all casual-like.

39

(I must remember to give my kid a hug. He was a darn easy baby.)

But when he wasn’t, we’d lie on the floor, and turn on the TV to CNN.

Why CNN? Because of the little jingle they play when they’re returning from commercials. I don’t know why, but that tune just grabbed him. He’d stop everything and turn to look at the TV whenever he heard that little tune.

Odd, I know, but you go with what works.

PS- Going for drives or putting him in his car seat and placing that on a running dryer also worked.

40

I’ll echo much of what’s been said. Hang in there - feeling useless as a dad at this stage is something I think many (most?) of us dads go through.

Getting her to take a bottle from you is worth the agony, and will probably only have to be repeated once. After the first time, my daughter “got it” and readily took the bottle from me. But that first time took several hours of me on the couch with a totally psycho baby who was starving. Just hang in there and try to get a little squirt in, or even just put some expressed milk on hher lips from the bottle. We also found that the type of bottle made a big difference. The kind with the rubber one-way air valves in the bottom (so no suction builds up) worked much better than traditional bottle designs. I agree with what’s been said about your wife giving her the bottle - not gonna work, as baby will want the real thing.

Once baby is on a bottle, you can much more readily share middle of the night feedings, which is a pain in the ass for you since you can’t shrug and roll over, but pays big dividends in the long run in keeping the wife happy. It is amazing what a single night of good sleep can do to a new mom’s mood.