Any other new fathers feel like this

In My Humble Opinion
41

My baby didn’t have an aversion to her father, but I was definitely the boob-of-choice. At about the time I had to switch her to bottle, she grasped who the big bald guy was. He was the fun one. Since then, if Daddy is in the room, Mommy is dead. I am with her 4.5 days a week, he’s with her in the evenings and weekends. Kate and I get along great, we have alot of fun, she hugs me, reaches for me, plays with me, talks to me…until Daddy walks in. Mom’s are soft, quieter, more comforting and sometimes, a veritable drive-thru. Sure, we can be fun, but no one brings the goofy like Daddy. You know, my husband doesn’t even pretend to act like she isn’t a complete Daddy’s Girl. He’s all over it like white on rice. I think having a period where she didn’t particularly care if he was around made him appreciate this stage. I had no idea the whole Daddy’s Girl thing could start this young.

Oh, also, when I was breastfeeding, my daughter was far more in tune to my moods, for good or bad than she is now. If I got stressed out, it echoed in her. To compare, yesterday, I had an emotional “I’m a terrible mother” break down, I clutched her to my chest, crying my eyes out, sobbing loudly, and what did she do? Laugh, squeal, giggle and pull my hair. Sometimes it’s a good thing they can’t feel what we are going through.

The breastfeeding thing, that’s a biggie. Especially if she is not given a bottle regularly. Have your wife pump a bottle a day for you to feed her, to get her into the habit. A child will not starve by crying through a missed feeding and in general, it is a good idea to have your child be able to take a bottle. Kate didn’t care HOW you fed her, as long as you fed her, but I tried to always have a dinner bottle ready for when Dad was home. And the finger trick works, here’s proof: Only did this with Daddy

You are doing a great job. It isn’t just a learning process for you. She has a whole world to figure out. I try to figure out what her perception of this world is like, and it blows me away we progress past drooling.

42

Auntbeast, is your husband a giant ;)? Your little girl looks so teensy in those pictures.

43

EtH, the situation you mentioned is exacerbated by the fact that most people (and nearly all women) will expect the father (as a man) to ‘fail’, and, of couse, people being human, and essentially insecure, many people will hope you fail, and a smaller yet significant sub-group of these two groups will enjoy it when you ‘fail’. Certainly, given the bonding with a mother (esp. a breast-feeding mother) the average baby is likely to be more accepting of the mother. In some cases, this ‘more accepting of the mother’ expresses itself more obviously as ‘rejecting of the father’. It is surely a bitter pill to swallow, but the difficult situation will normally, I think, ease with time as the baby becomes more sentient, used to your voice and smell and method of holding her, etc.

My own experience as a dad 10 years ago was in the middle, average on the scale I have suggested above of acceptance/rejection. One practical tip which worked for me was to sing to the baby, repetitively, and, when necessary, loudly, to drown out the screaming. I used to take a common tune, with a chorus so you can go round and round, and on and on, and make up nonsense words. Might be worth a try. And quite strong swings of the cradling arms can act as a distaction to the kid as well.

‘Heck, that’s fact daddy!’…‘Oh, shit! I forget I was meant to be screaming’…WAAAAAAH! But every interlude from the noise is a small triumph.

44

‘fast’ not ‘fact’

45

babies love routine. If you can figure out something that works, and kinda stick with that theme. For my eldest, I memorized the Law of the Jungle poem from The Jungle Books. it’s pretty long. I recite the poem over and over and over again when I’m trying to get one to sleep. I may be rocking, pacing, put her on my chest, whatever, but I keep repeating that stupid poem.

my eldest at 6 knows quite a few stanzas. When she is sick and I’m giving her extra attention for sleeping, she likes to hear the poem. It’s just a soothing habit that worked for me and my three girls.

46

I can assure everyone that CG and I are not one and the same person, and did not consult before posting. On the other hand, theer must be something about the water in China that makes us converge on the same solution.

47

When our daughter (first child) was born, we started early with letting Daddy take care of her on a regular basis. I did breast feed, which meant that I was pretty much responsible for middle-of-the-night feedings. Since Mr. Kiminy was working full-time, and had to get up in the mornings anyway, we worked out a system that would let me sleep in a little in the mornings. I would express a bottle of breastmilk that went in the fridge every morning. The next morning, Mr. Kiminy would get up with the baby and feed her the bottle of breastmilk, change her, and put her back to bed before he left for work. When I got up, I would express the next morning’s bottle, since baby was happily fed and I was leaking anyway.

He still felt a little left out at times, but this routine did create a bond that has lasted for the last 14 years.

For the record, our daughter also had extreme colic, and screamed nonstop every evening until she was about three months old. Nothing I could do helped at all, and it drove both me and Mr. Kiminy crazy. We decided that the screaming would not hurt the baby, so we focussed on things to help get us through it. The babyswing helped a lot, if only because I could put her in the swing in one room, then go into the kitchen to make dinner without worrying about her. (As long as she was screaming, she was okay.) Going for walks with her in the stroller helped me more than it helped her, and occasionally, if we went to the mall (within walking distance), the interesting sites would calm her down for a short period.

After she was three months old, though, it gradually started tapering off until it stopped completely. We even recorded “quiet days” on her baby calendar until we had two weeks of quiet days in a row.

48

I’ll second this. In our case, it happened about the time they could walk. One mom I knew referred to it as the hero’s welcome. My wife stayed home and was/is very good with them, but when I came home the three (the twins and the boy we tried to adopt) would do a jig, giggling uncontrollably. Only a puppy can put more enthusiasm and joy into a “welcome home”. It made up for all the sleepless nights and inconsolable (by daddy) crying.

Hang in there.

49

The Hordling just had her first birthday <aw> but last summer she would have screaming jags with me. The worst was one afternoon I took her out in the stroller, and she suddenly decided that lying down was bad. So I picked her up, she got a whiff of my sunblock, and her cries went from bad to WHOSTABBEDMYBABY!!!

I ran home, and had to dump her on the bathroom floor while I took a shower to rinse off the odor, then bounce her around for 15 minutes as she gradually calmed down.

Periodically during that period I would hand off the screaming brat to my wife, whimper something about needing some alone time, then walk outside for 15 minutes (and sometimes my wife would hand the kid to me, so don’t go thinking it’s a one-way street :wink: )

Persist with the bottle. My favourite technique was to hold the Hordling incredibly tight and close to my body and hunch over.

As for crying, remember to try different things (rocking, positions), but also remember that you should try something for 5 to 10 minutes before giving up and trying a new technique. The kid has to get used to the new situation before they’ll start to calm down, and if you only try something for a minute before moving on, the kid will just get worse.

Remember the five S’s. Shushing (VERY loudly. You’ve got to be heard over the cries!), Swaddling, Shaking (Not snapping her head back and forth, but she should be bouncing as if you’re running), Sideways (or tilt her on her stomach) and Sucking (a suss or a finger or a bottle, whatever works).