Call a lawyer and start the divorce process. It isn’t going to get any better and you don’t want to waste your life. Send him on his way to the funeral and work on the details of the divorce while he is gone. That is what divorces are for.
Thank you for the suggestions. When his aunt died, I specifically asked him if wanted me to come, pointing out that he had commented recently about how he needed alone time/time away from me, and he said yes. Not coming along to a family funeral when he has asked me to come is a giant fuck you that I can never take back, and if I’m going to give him a giant fuck you, that’s just not how I want to do it.
Driving solo is potentially an idea. This is an overnight trip, with two takes, possibly some sort of reception between the wakes, funeral the next morning, and an overnight spent at his parents’ house. I could perhaps feel out the idea of only going to the funeral.
I do have a book queued up. On a past road trip, I brought a book full of short stories and read them aloud to him, and he enjoyed that. I have another book for this trip. I’ve also put together a lengthy playlist with songs we both like. Tired and Cranky, I really like your idea of letting him lead. I don’t want to be antagonistic from the outset and fend off communication by sticking headphones in. But if he clearly doesn’t want to talk, then I can always do that once it’s clear what’s going on.
puzzlegal, there’s no one else who lives close to us for the drive up, but your point does have merit when it comes to the actual family events.
For those of you suggesting that we use the time to talk about our marriage, we already did that one evening last week (for about four hours). So we don’t need to do that again, but perhaps some follow-up could be good. He says that he’s working on being nicer to me, but that one conversation doesn’t change everything and that this is hard for him.
Sunny Daze, thanks for putting a smile on my face amidst this dismal thread! The dog is bullying the heck out of me by using cute faces to get whatever she wants from me. But she’s really been a god-send during all this, because when my husband doesn’t want to cuddle it’s nice to have a dog that will do that with me. It’s also nice to have a dog because she doesn’t give a crap about marital issues and just wants me to play with her, and that puts a smile on my face and gives me a reason to come home.
That makes sense to me.
I hope you find a way to make the trip that doesn’t make you wish you hadn’t gone. It will be stressful, so try to be generous to yourself and, if possible, generous to him as well. It doesn’t sound like kindness will make your situation worse, and it might make you feel as good as you possibly can in the circumstances.
Thank you! Even though you’re an Internet stranger, I am touched by your kind words.
Such a symbolic affair, no? Going to a funeral for a dead aunt, while coming to grips with the possible death of your own marriage. There’s a cheap novel in there.
Anyhoo, funerals are about the survivors. Is there going to be anyone at the funeral you care about? Then go and be there for them. Was your husband close with his aunt, and do you still care about him? Then go and give out of love with no expectation of reciprocation. Spend a little time on the high road. After the trip, decide what you can/want to do next. If you stay home just to spite him, you’re going to regret it in 10 years.
Just wanted to come in and say good luck to you. That sounds like a really hard situation. Since you’ve already agreed to go, I’d definitely recommend staying in different rooms if that wasn’t your plan already and make sure you take care of yourself, emotionally and physically. Any idea why he wants you to go? Is he looking for support (from someone he doesn’t seem close to) or does he want to keep up appearances?
Once you’re back, I’d definitely start planning for you, because it doesn’t sound like your relationship will last. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Catch a bad cold a day or so beforehand. It’s easy. Just lick a door handle at a bank, sports bar, anywhere really.
I feel like there’s another side to this story. Marriages can have major issues that take a major amount of time to fix. Some couples go to counselling for weeks or months to work through some problems. A 4-hour conversation might just be the start. I don’t know your story, but it sounds way too early to think this situation can’t be fixed. Now with the funeral isn’t the time to work on it, but there are many things you should try before thinking it’s hopeless. At a minimum, share your story on one the marriage-specific message boards out there and see if you can get some helpful advice. Keep in mind that different boards will have different philosophies about marriage, so you may have to look at a few to find one that fits for you.
One way to use this trip to help fix things is to try to be supportive. Be a gracious guest, socialize with his family, help out at the wakes, etc. Do things that make him look at you and realize how lucky he is to have you in his life. Make sure you do things without expecting anything in return. There’s a lot of resentment to work through, and it may be a while before things thaw
Yeah, I could be sick real easy. I feel for you but I wouldn’t go unless I had a significant relationship with the deceased. It’s not gonna further your marriage to go. Stay home with your dog. Send flowers.
I’ve made several false starts at a response here. All of them were unsatisfactory for their own special reasons. 
Is his personality changing due to dementia?
If “No, obviously not”, then I think there’s significant doubt that things even might be worth trying to repair. There definitely is such a thing as too far. Hope can be important, but false hope is harmful, and false hope is far worse than no hope.
Why would the OP want to do any of this, from taking the trip to staying in the marriage? And why hasn’t HE left, if he says he’s so unhappy?
Good luck to you. {{{hugs}}}
Well, if it’s just a couple of stupid comments he’s made in the past few days but he’s going to forget all about them by Tuesday and come back to normal, i.e. affectionate and reasonable, or at least kind and reasonable, and he’s going to stay uniformly affectionate/kind and reasonable for several years without doing this kind of stuff again, I could see a point in trying.
But it doesn’t sound like that to me. It sounds to me like the OP is afraid of not being married anymore because change is scary, and it sounds to me like there’s nothing worth saving about such a marriage.
BUT this is the internet, and there are NOT two sides to every story - there are at least three or four - and we’ve only heard a sketchy bit of one side of a very small part of this story.
Yeah, but the OP didn’t ask for marriage advice, she asked for advice on how to manage a difficult road trip and funeral experience.
Of course, she still got heaps of, ‘Kick him to the curb! Move on!’. Because this is the Dope, where people know what you ‘should do’, based on a few short sentences!
Hahaha exactly. I’ve been here for ten years now, so I knew in starting this thread that I’d get some “kick him to the curb” along with some good, helpful advice, and that’s exactly what I got. I’m actually pretty pleased at how much helpful advice this did generate.
As several people have mentioned, you’re only getting my side of the story, and you’re really not even getting my full side of the story because I only wanted to provide as much context as was necessary to explain what I need advice on.
I spoke with my husband last night, again trying to verify that he really did want to go on a long car ride with me, share a bed with me, and be around me so much the next two days. He not only gave a firm “yes,” he did, he also told me that this whole impression I have of him not liking me is wrong.
Again, I don’t want to plaster all my marital issues onto the Internet, so don’t think this is the full story. But the reason he’s withdrawing is because he’s hurt, because in the past I haven’t been very physically affectionate or acted like I cared that much. And that’s true, I do have some sexual hang-ups that i have previously posted. I’m not going to rehash this topic, but if you REALLY want to know I’m sure you’ll just virtually stalk me and find out anyways.
End result is after last night’s conversation, I feel convinced that this trip is going to suck but that it’s something I should do, not for me but for him, and to act supportive of him.
That’s really your own fault for how you phrased the OP. You could have said “we’ve been physically and emotionally distant lately” instead of he “has decided he doesn’t really like touching me and avoids me because every little thing about me annoys him.” When you cast him as the jerk, don’t act like “the internet” is being over the top when they react to it.