Highlights:
KO and Neville had an excellent NXT demo match after Cena flapped his gums for 15 minutes.
R Troof was funny.
RKOrton and Sheamus had a nice little slugfest.
Lana can’t walk around a crippled guy.
Seth got humiliated, which means he’ll win Sunday.
Everything else was boilerplate.
Almost certainly, but I wish they wouldn’t go that way.
Let Ambrose win it. Have Seth blow up at everyone and everything, epic childish temper tantrum. Mini-Feud with the Authority and Kane for a couple of weeks as they call him ungrateful and point out how much they carried him, how much effort they put into making and keeping him champ while he keeps up the narcissistic “Me Me Me!” routine, throwing tantrums every week and losing half his matches.
Then send him to NXT “to think about it”. 
Oh, and I watched the Stone Cold podcast with Heyman. Enjoyed it a great deal right up until the end when he had to go into “Stone Cold” mode. Read: Complete Raging Douchebag Mode.
I’m just not impressed with that. Never have been.
JBLism of the night: “It shouldn’t be legal to punch somebody in the air like that.”
Another indication of how desperately far up his ass he’ll reach to be heelish.
I smell a swerve in the air… The Authority seems ready to dump Seth just so he can go into a childish baby hissyfit for the next 6 months. Who are they going to wrap in their clutches to take his place? Dean? Roman? Dean? Roman?
Roman, of course. Ambrose is too unstable*
sigh… they’re going to license him out to do car commercials, aren’t they?
CRAZY DEAN’S LUNATIC SALE! EVERY PRICE SLASHED! 2012 Ford Focus Sedans! Was once $11,999! NOW 12 DOLLARS! CRAZY DEAN HAS GONE UN-STAYYYYY-BULLLLL!
Oh man I forgot about Truth’s hilarious run-in.
“When I win Money in the Bank…”
“Truth…you aren’t in this match”
“Oh…you know? That’s on me…that’s my bad…”
I was dying, man
Possibly one of the most self-aware jokes WWE has ever made at its own expense - Truth is always in these kind of multi-man matches, even though he never wins and nobody ever expects him to win, so when they announce one, he just naturally assumes he’s supposed to be in it.
Now we just need to figure out who slipped the Ambien into Vince’s Red-Bull-and-Icopro smoothie and started writing quality jokes while he was unconscious.
I was also listening to a podcast that basically said “I’ll admit it that when he came out I didn’t even realize he wasn’t in the match until Kane said something”…
…which is totally me too. I had to actually think about it, which is another joke altogether with the whole “kofi is in it and they’re both black…”
In other news, Dean Ambrose showed up on a morning news-talk show in Louisiana yesterday and cut the most insanely awesome promo I’ve seen since the old days.
Yet more proof that when you know you have a wrestler who’s also a good talker, you don’t need writers to script every word out of their mouths.
In any event, I suppose it’s time for the Sweet Jesus why did we schedule four pay-per-views in a 7-week period edition of Smapti’s Completely and Utterly Unimpeachable* Match Predictions.
Money in the Bank match; Dolph Ziggler, Sheamus, Neville, Kofi Kingston, Kane, Randy Orton, and Roman Reigns. Roman is the easy pick to win this one, IMO; he’s more over with the fans now than he was during the attempt to mold him into Cena 2.0 on the way to WrestleMania, and he’s really the only person on this list who I can see as being a viable world champion in the next year. Neville and Kofi are here to provide some high-flying spots which ought to be entertaining if ineffectual, while Dolph and Sheamus are likely going to just continue their arse-kissing feud and Orton will brawl with Kane. There’s a slight offside chance that they have Kane win the briefcase in the event that they’re planning to just plain take the Authority storyline off the rails, but I wouldn’t bet the farm on it.
Ladder match for the WWEWHC, Ambrose vs. Rollins. Hoo boy - this one could go a thousand ways and then some.
The sound logic here is that Rollins retains because this is an off-brand PPV and the world title doesn’t change hands at off-brand PPVs. However, it feels like they’re setting up for a change here. Rollins is, at this point, the single most ineffectual WWE world champion I can recall - he can’t win a match unless he has at least a 4-on-1 advantage, he runs away at the slightest threat of danger, he attacks referees just to intentionally disqualify himself and keep the belt, he acts incredulous and offended by the idea that he’s actually expected to wrestle, and he’s now been pinned by a retired cruiserweight who is a member of his own goon squad. Frankly, I’m surprised that they haven’t had him wet himself in the ring yet. It would beggar belief and common sense to keep the belt on him at this point.
So, if Rollins doesn’t walk out as champion, where does that leave us? The best scenario I can come up with is a Dean Ambrose heel turn. Ambrose is massively over as a face, but he doesn’t act like a good guy is supposed to - he steals championship belts, steals hot dog carts, and hides in parking lots to attempt to murder his enemies with a tire iron. I can see J&J and Kane finally getting so fed up with Rollins’ prima donna BS that they offer their services to Ambrose in exchange for his taking out the Authority’s enemies, and he agrees because it finally gets him his revenge against his brother who broke up the Shield and destroyed his world. This would also afford Rollins an opportunity to turn face when the Authority runs in, attacks him, and allows Ambrose to climb the ladder unopposed.
The MITB briefcase itself is another significant wildcard. I don’t know if anyone has ever cashed in on the same night they won the case, but they could definitely go that way as well - have Reigns win the case, cash in either during or after the match, and get the pinfall to become champion. This one could go either way - he could pin Rollins as a face, or he could be the one who wins the Authority’s favor and pins Ambrose to become a heel champion. If Ambrose wins the title, then immediately loses it to Reigns, it would set up at Battlefield the triple-threat Reigns/Rollins/Ambrose match we’ve all been wanting to see, with the winner (hopefully Ambrose) going on to defend against Brock Lesnar at Summerslam.
So, long story short; Rollins probably wins, but who the hell knows.
That would be the wrong decision to make with Kevin Owens, IMO. He’s still a fresh face on the main roster and he needs the momentum a lot more than Cena does.
(An aside on that note; Cena, in-universe, is actually a very insecure person. He talks a lot about how the young guys in the back are the future and he wants them to come out and give him everything he’s got, but really he’s just holding a title that he’s better than and challenging guys he’s better than so he can rack up wins against people who don’t have a chance of beating him. And when Owens comes along and actually beats him clean in the middle of the ring, he throws a tantrum, demands a rematch, and cuts promos about how Owens isn’t “a real man”. It’s a good thing Vince McMahon is perpetually about 3-4 years behind the times in terms of pop culture or he’d be telling JBL to make Bruce Jenner jokes about Owens.)
But I digress.
The next supercard after this one is the Fourth of July live show from Tokyo which doesn’t have a catchy name yet so far as I know, which in all likelihood is going to be main-evented by Owens vs. Balor. Owens needs to look strong going into that card, because even though in all likelihood he’s going to drop the belt to Finn, he needs to still be positioned as an unstoppable powerhouse. Owens either needs to win clean again, or there needs to be a DQ finish where Owens throws an illegal move or the ref stops the fight because Cena is out cold. (Depending on how committed they are to eventually moving Roman Reigns into Cena’s place, this could even lead to an angle a la Hulk Hogan in 1990 when Earthquake “injured” him and he declared he was thinking of retiring, thus keeping him off TV for a few months. I remember they did promos during WWF’s shows at the time where the little Hulkamaniacs were urged to write to some address or another begging Hulk not to retire. I did so and they sent me back an awesome poster. I wish I still had it, but it got lost ages ago. But I’m getting ahead of myself again.)
My pick is the PTPs by a narrow margin, since there really aren’t any other face tag teams in a position to hold the belts right now, and someone has to take the belts off New Day in order to eventually drop them to the Wyatts or the Ascension a few months from now. (So help me God, I will continue to predict a title push for the Ascension until the day I die or the day Konnor gets future-endeavored, whichever comes first.)
Ryback vs. Big Show for the Intercontinental title. Ryback wins. Easy pick, IMO. Big Show is in this position where the bookers think “Just think how impressive it’ll make this guy look if he can pin the Big Show!”, while simultaneously being oblivious to the fact that they’ve been using him in that role for close to a decade and it stops being impressive that you can beat the Big Show when everyone has beaten the Big Show. Big Show is already a Triple Crown and Grand Slam champion and doesn’t need the IC title to fluff up his resume at this point, whereas Ryback is still rebuilding from his disastrous heel run and could use a big victory at this point. Ryback giving the shellshock to Show would be a great spot and it’d help keep the IC title relevant until they decide on a long-term plan for who they want to win it next.
Nikki Bella vs. Paige for the Divas title. Did you know that Nikki is currently the fourth-longest reigning Divas champion of all time? If she keeps the belt until September 14th, she will have beaten AJ’s record as longest-reigning Divas champion of all time. That would be an incredibly petty and small-minded thing to do, and therefore completely in character for Vince McMahon, a man who has always proven himself willing to sacrifice a huge payoff in order to spite someone who didn’t play by his rules.
On the other hand, if Paige wins, she becomes a three-time Divas champion, a feat which only AJ and Eve Torres have accomplished.
My bet? Nikki retains. Paige is only 22, and will likely be with WWE for quite a few years before she leaves to start a family or become a fashion designer/fitness consulant/porn star as most ex-Divas do. She has plenty of time to usurp the Divas legacy, whereas Nikki (wait, is she the face or the heel in this match? I don’t even know any more) is a hot commodity now thanks to Total Divas, and there’s no harm in letting her hold the belt until Charlotte gets called up to take it from her.
(Another aside: Apparently they’ve been having the Bellas win matches on Raw via Twin Magic again. This worked back when the Bellas still looked identical. I can think of at least two big reasons why the referee shouldn’t be fooled by this anymore.)
*We’re not even in Georgia this week Maggle
Here’s part 2 for simplicity sake for everyone
So the ratings for RAW dropped again, eh?
I’d ask when they’re going to figure out that the The Authority angle, now several years old, is getting too old and uninteresting for their viewers. Unfortunately Vince will probably just assume that it’s because Trips and Nips haven’t been on TV enough lately.
Wait, they’re giving Bull Dempsey a “bad cardio” gimmick? :dubious:
Wow. The things we learned on NXT.
Yup, Bull Dempsey is getting the fat lazy no cardio gimmick.
Bagels is a creepy man-stalker.
The NXT crowd has turned on Baron Corbin.
And the final promo bit was great.
hehehehhehe “I’m a good role model. I’m friggin’ Micky Mouse over here.”
For some more WWE wanting to show they got the biggest dick possible, here’s an article on how they’re reacting to RoH putting out a Kevin Steen doll before they did.
*BAWANNNGAAAWAAANGGAAAAAHHHHH
BBBBAAAAANNNNHHHHH*
LU remembers their pilot episode and brings back Blue Demon, all dressed up in a suit. Dario says “Welcome back. We’re recreating the first match you had with Chavo Guerrero, but this time, anything goes.” Chavo comes out with the two surviving Crewbies, and the three beat up on BD. Dario is such a dick. For some reason, Vampiro heels out on Blue Demon big time. Doesn’t make sense, since he’s usually such an advocate for old school values.
More allusions are made to Chavo pissing off all of Mexico as he gloats in front of Black Lotus in her cell. She is not happy. If looks could sodomize…
Next, we see the wrestling debut of Catarina’s Disciples of Death. According the LU wikipedia page, all three guys have already performed in other aliases in LU. Argenis is one of them, and he just wrestled Jack Evans the week before.
Their opponents, the returning Mascarita (little person yay!), Pimpinella (transvestite yay!) and a new guy with a cat mask, whose name I can’t remember (help me Smapti!). The match started off with the three faces getting off some of their wacky hijinks, but then things got unexpectedly real. I expected the heels to keep running into pratfalls but eventually win anyway, but something happened. They actually became smart. The DoD functioned like an army unit. They double and triple-teamed frequently, and prevented the faces from saving each other. Mascarita didn’t get to do his insane hurricaranas and actually spent most of his time getting beat up. The match was no longer mirthful and joyous. The DoD didn’t act like three individuals looking to do their own spots and won the match using solid teamwork.
In other vignettes, Drago has wings, and he’s flying and landing on the temple. He worms his way into Cueto’s HQ. He unravels his black gel tongue in Cueto’s face. Cueto tells him he’s still banned, but Drago has a loophole. Cueto wants all of Prince Puma’s former opponents to square off against each other tonight to determine the #1 contender. Drago says he’s a former opponent as well, so he should be included. Cueto says fine, but if you lose, not only are you still banned, you lose your mask as well.
Later, Cueto is talking with Johnny Mundo, admiring him for his new attitude and praising him for throwing Alberto through his office window. “You gave me a black eye once, but I look good in sunglasses.” He tells Mundo all debts are square and they’ve got no reason to feud anymore. Mundo says he also was a PP opponent. Why isn’t he included in the #1 contender match? Tell you what, says Cueto. Next week, you and Puma wrestle the whole hour. Whoever gets the most pinfalls win the belt.
Nice! A good old Iron Man style match. Very old school. The Funks, the Briscos, Ricky Steamboat, and Ric Flair used to wrestle one hour matches.
Finally, Drago joins King Cuerno, Cage, and Hernandez in the #1 contenders match. Cage and Cuerno are tag team partners, so they frequently team up against the others, but this allegiance falls apart. Cage is built like Ryback, but he’s surprisingly agile. He can do rope bounce flips like any lucha. Hernandez even shows some ability to fly, reminiscent of his TNA days. Yet at the end, Drago manages to roll Cuerno around and pin him with a Godrian Knot rollup similar to the one Jack Evans used to win the week before. Drago’s back in LU to stay! Smaug is happy.
*BAWANNNGAAAWAAANGGAAAAAHHHHH
BBBBAAAAANNNNHHHHH*
I have a little less than a half an hour, so my quick-n-dirty NXT review:
The matches in no particular order:
Ryder and Mojo vs The Lionguy and his partner: Look at Zach Ryder finding a way to wrestle still! Also is there a better partner for Mojo Rawley than Ryder? I can’t think of it! A serviceable match to show that Mojo is back from his injury, plus when was the last time Ryder actually won?
Blue Pants vs Emma: Happy Birthday Blue Pants? Either way another loss for the poor girl. Her character seems to be turning into a mini-Bayley, but we’ll have to see how she progresses. I’m trying to remember her start…Didn’t she just show up as a jobber with an actual name and the crowd just freaked out and called her Blue Pants? The-New-And-Improved Emma wins via her air-hump submission
Breeze vs Bull: Yeah, I guess this is what they’re going with Bull huh? No more “LAST OF A DYING BREED MAGGLE”, and now onto “lol he’s fat”. That being said his promo was hilarious. Eating Doritos in front of an incredulous Regal, and then pulling the Hershey bar out of his singlet? I thought it was funny at least
** Baron Corbin vs God-I’m-Bad-With-Names**: I remember seeing the jobber-guy at the house show and his gimmick was “party black guy”. Corbin wins. I’m continually impressed with Baron’s ability and I think he’s gotten a lot better recently. I think he’s a classic “plays up to his competition” so when he faces jobbers he’s only so/so, but stick him with a vet (like the enormous Rhyno) and he looks really good.
Samoa Joe vs Fake Stone Cold: Not bad for a first fight. This is literally the first I’ve ever seen of him, so I’m going to hold off on my opinion for now
THE PROMOS
A funny one by the jersey’s quoting both the Hunger Games and Fresh Prince all in one go. That takes talent.
I already mentioned the Bull Dempsey Promo (Brought to you by Doritos)
I get more and more impressed with KO’s talking ability the more he does it. I liked the heavy irony of “You can’t just walk in and get a title match” speech. It was ironic, everyone knew it, and everyone knew everyone knew it…which made it better.
Knowed Out, I rather strenuously avoid Wikipedia for Lucha Underground because of spoilers. If you’re going to reference things like that that aren’t known based on the show, could you at least spoiler box them? For all I know, that’s a storyline I’ve just had ruined.
Is that what that was? I was going to ask for a translation. 
Bull’s new angle is funny and better than his old one, but I hope it doesn’t turn him into Bastion Booger.
