*BAWANNNGAAAWANNNNAAGGGHHH
BAAAANNNNHHHH*
After a few “what has happened before” vignettes, High Priest Dario announces Ultima Lucha will be so big, he has to start it a week early. He also announces the Big Secret behind the Aztec medallions will be revealed. No, it’s to summon Huitzilopochtli as I thought (when do I ever predict things correctly?), but it’s still cool.
First match: Recent face-turned heel Johnny Mundo vs Now-loves-Mexico-even-though-he-named-himself-after-Texas Texano. Not having seen anything AAA, I’m not familiar with Texano’s style, but he pulled off some surprisingly snappy moves vs Mundo. They did a HOLY SHIT! version of the Monkey Flip: Texano had Mundo in the corner, then jumped to the second rope and bounced down to add leverage to the ensuing flip. Mundo then did a 450 on his own face! MIERDA! (Holy shit in Spanish according to Google Translate) Suddenly, the Crew emerges and attack Texano. Mundo joins in on the stomping, and then Alberto El No-Show arrives to make the save. Since Al and Tex are/were archenemies, there was a little staredown between the two afterwards, but no further aggression.
[As a sidenote, here’s Dean Ambrose when he was Jon Moxley in a tag match vs Johnny Nitro (now Mundo) and Joey Mercury (when he had hair) back in 2006. Ambrose had long rock star hair back then, and you can see him do those crazyman in-ring gestures he still does today.]
Next, Cage vs The Mack II. This ended with a rollup win for Mack in about a minute. I HATE those, but I guess they had to conserve cable time. They brawled afterward, and Cueto came out to announce they would have another match at Ultima Lucha where they would be provided junk (“plundah” in Dustyese) they could use on each other.
Next, Cueto is talking with Hernandez in his office. He tells him he and Drago will face each other at UL, and it will be a lumberjack-style match where fans with whips and leather straps will surround the ring. I don’t know if these will be real fans or plants, since there’s so much lawsuit potential if something goes wrong. Maybe the Temple is actually like an embassy, not considered American soil or something. Hernandez has already caused legal trouble with TNA, when he didn’t bother to tell them he had a contract with LU when they wanted to put him in the Beat Down Clan. As a result, they couldn’t air any of his matches on TV, including the 6-man matches he took part in. I’m sure the already financially-beleaguered TNA performers loved that.
In another office scene, Dario tells Ryck Fury he should be working directly for him, not be Les Bloomfield’s lackey. He inadvertently makes eye puns and apologizes. He’ll give Ryck an Aztec Medallion if he does so. “It’s up to you,” says Dario with Mephistopholian undertones, “do you want money? Or power?” Ryck takes a few puffs of his cigar and says “Why not both?” Cuerto reluctantly gives him the medallion and a stack of dead presidents.
Next, Cueto reveals the big secret behind the medallions. He displays a stand with a belt divided into seven sections, each bearing a medallion-sized hole embossed with lucha masks. He calls the medallion winners to the ring, and explains that they will have a Seven-way match at UL for this “Gift of the Gods.” Each lucha goes forth to fit their medallion in a hole as Cueto further reveals that the winner of the 7-way can exchange the GotG for a championship match, but (digging at WWE) they have to wait a week so he can properly promote it.
The seventh hole is still empty. Dario wonders where Fenix is? Oh well, we’ll have to have a Battle Royal to determine the 7th contestant. Fenix shows up in a black shirt, ostensibly to cover the scars and wounds he received from being powerbombed the office ceiling by Mil Muertes. Cueto tells him he can take part in the Battle Royal if he wants, which will start RIGHT NOW!
The ensuing BR involves Mascarita, Les “Davari” Bloomfield, Marty the Moth, Killshot, Super Fly, and some PWG guys used as jobbers in LU. In this version, the last two guys remaining have to resolve the match by pinfall or submission, rather than elimination. (I think they should refer to throwing somebody out of the ring as “defenestration.” That’s a fancy term for throwing somebody out the window) One of the contestants uses a Pedigree on another lucha, and Stryker comments “It may win on Monday nights, but not here!”
It comes down to Fenix and Marty the Moth, who the announcers say is on his third try for a medallion. I like Marty. He’s my favorite jobber. Fenix sells being in pain and Marty capitalizes, but Fenix manages another one of his out-of-nowhere flipadoodle moves and pins Marty.
Finally, Prince Puma comes out to address Konnan’s inhumation (opposite of exhumation) at the hands of Mil Muertes and the Disciples of Death. For the first time, we get to hear PP speak! Will this Indiana boy be able to fake a hispanic accent? We don’t get to find out. As he brandishes the mike, Catrina and MM descend the temple steps. MM is wearing a suit this time, and it makes him look even more like a walking wall. The Ds of D run in for a sneak attack, but PP fights them off with amazing speed, like Luke Skywalker using the Force. Seriously, it’s like they hit Fast Forward, but they didn’t. PP is that fucking amazing. MM comes in himself to attack, but Puma retaliates and finishes him off with the 630 Splash. So, we still don’t get to hear Puma say anything, but sometimes life is like that.
*BAWANNNGAAAWANNNNAAGGGHHH
BAAAANNNNHHHH*
