They do like the idea that they’re allowed to hit fans who do this. Not like the old days of Hatpin Mary though.
Oh good god. Shut the fuck up, Dolph. This MizTV thing is about 10 minutes too long.
Heath Slater has been the best thing in WWE since the brand split.
And now, Summerslam predictions. This card is bloated. We’ve got eleven matches scheduled, and even assuming that one or two of them will air on the pre-show, it’s still probable that the show is going to overrun its four-hour time slot. Here’s what we’ve got coming;
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Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. This is such a random matchup; these guys have no reason to be feuding aside from the authority figures saying “Hey, let’s you and him fight”. It’s a face-vs-face match without a real build to a face-vs-face match. I’m gonna say Ambrose retains, because WWE has shown time and time again that they just aren’t interested in the idea of Ziggler being a world champion.
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Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor for the WWE Universal Championship. (God, what a stupid name that is.) Finn, by all rights, should win this match, but since this is the Raw title and Steph is Commissioner of Raw, my gut tells me they’re going to screw Finn somehow, put the belt on Rollins, and do yet another “underdog babyface vs. the evil corporation” angle that leads to Finn finally winning the title at 'Mania.
Finn’s entrance is gonna be awesome, though.
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Randy Orton vs. Brock “Exempt from the Wellness Policy” Lesnar. This is really the kind of match where neither guy has a real reason to go over; they’ve both been around forever, neither of them is really a fan favorite, and they both have lots of heat from the smark audience. I’m gonna guess Randy goes over since this is his comeback match and WWE really doesn’t need the PR that’ll come from putting Brock over after a failed UA.
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Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte for the women’s championship. The stip for this match is that Dana Brooke is banned from ringside, which means there’s approximately a 100% chance that Dana Brooke will appear at ringside. My guess is Sasha retains by DQ. My dream is that this somehow leads to a match between Ric Flair and Snoop Dogg, which would be completely horrible and yet amazingly entertaining.
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John Cena vs. AJ Styles. This is usually the point in your typical Cena feud where the heel tries to cheat to win, Cena wins anyway, and the heel gets shuffled into Midcard Hell. I’d like to see AJ win here, and given that Cena is now working a part-time schedule, it’s entirely possible that he will, but I doubt it. WWE has announced that Jon Stewart will be appearing again this year; if he costs Cena the match and then joins Bullet Club, I may mark out.
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Roman Reigns vs. Rusev for the US championship. This has been an angle that, for me, really illustrates how broken WWE’s internal sense of morality is. Rusev and Lana are a loving, happily married couple, but we’re supposed to boo them for no reason other than that he’s foreign and she’s a foreigner-lover. Meanwhile, we’re supposed to cheer Roman, the spoiled product of nepotism who just came back from testing hot for PEDs, because he interrupted their reception and threw the bride into a cake. Really, the degree to which WWE has tried and failed to get Roman over just boggles the mind.
He needs to lose this match and lose it cleanly and decisively. Jobbing here is really the only way he’s going to become credible as a champ further down the road. I’m not entirely sure that WWE knows that yet, but I hope they do, because if he wins this match the crowd is only going to hate him more than they already do.
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The Miz vs. Apollo Nation for the IC title. Please let Apollo win this one. Please please please please please. There’s no reason for Miz (the ultimate placeholder IC champion) to go on holding the belt another minute.
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New Day vs. Bullet Club for the tag titles. I know I’ve been predicting New Day to lose the titles for about six months or more now, but I really think Gallows and Anderson should pick up the win here. ND has already achieved everything short of breaking Demolition’s record for longest tag title reign ever, and I can’t see that breaking that record would get them any cred they don’t already have. It’s time to establish Bullet Club as a top-tier heel faction, and that means putting some gold on them.
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Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady vs. Chris Jericho & Kevin Owens. The Realest Guys In the Room go over here - the heel team is probably going to turn against each other midway through the match.
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Sheamus vs. Cesaro, first match of a best-of-seven series. Sheamus wins here to start face Cesaro off at a disadvantage. This’ll likely go 3-to-3 with the finale airing at Clash of the Champions next month. (Yes, the free show that WCW used to air on TBS opposite WWF PPVs back in the '80s is now being revived as a Raw show, because REASONS.)
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Eva Marie, Natalya, & Alexa Bliss vs. Carmella, Naomi, & Becky Lynch. This is just such a random pairing that I can’t really root for either team. I’ll say Team Carmella, because these kind of Divas Clusterfuck matches usually get won by the face team.
Kaylen Kroft’s tears cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.
Kaylen Kroft’s shit doesn’t stink. It’s also so fertile, it ended famine in Somalia.
Kayen Kroft can walk on water. And on walls. And on water on walls.
Agree with most of the predictions.
Reigns cannot win here, but Difficulty: Vince.
Orton/Bork. Honestly, I don’t give a shit about this match.
Ambrose/80’s porn star name. Don’t care much about this one either.
Apollo Crews: The Quest for a Personality continues. I don’t think he’ll win here and they continue at the next PPV for some damned reason, or they just drop it altogether and he’s wrestling Heath Slater for the next two months. I sincerely wish they could send him back to NXT, but no way that isn’t seen as a complete loss of confidence in him and a serious demotion. Fact is, Vince failed here by bringing him up too early and without a serious plan.
Cena v. Styles. I don’t understand the build at all. Cena is being built as the MegaOverFace again and he doesn’t need it. The promos are burying AJ, really doing no favors for anyone but the kids who love Cena, and this “I love WWE!” crap is old and needs to die a painful death. If AJ loses here and drops to the midcard, I’m going to be wishing a quick death by stroke on Vince McMahon.
The big problem is that this doesn’t feel like the second biggest show of the year. It feels like a lesser holding pattern card.
Miz is so damn punchable. He needs to be champ until someone comes along to give us what we’ve been clamoring for- comeuppance.
Crews isn’t that guy. I don’t care one bit about him. I don’t know where he’s from, or what his motivations are. I have no interest in him at all, and him having the belt would mean I don’t care about the belt.
Right now, the belt exists as a thing to be taken from Miz, and I want that to mean something.
It’s a has-been against a never-was. Styles will make the fight interesting to watch for a while, can’t see the point of having Cena lose again, but it is time for him to go. He can work part time on the seniors tour.
Better get used to it.
Crews needs to show some fire and desire and drop this “I’m just happy to be here, nevermind me while I stand over here in the back and wrestle on Superstars” attitude that is doing him no favors.
Practice your SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY exaggerated loud voice, Uhaa, show some damned fire or pack it in and accept lower midcard for life. Or until you get released and go back to the indies.
- WWE Universal Title Match: Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor - Rumor has it Vince and HHH want Finn to win, but I’d rather there be more of an extensive rivalry with Seth. I think they’ve pretty much abandoned The Authority angle, since Foley has been more the face of RAW than Stephanie. Plus, this is probably the last match of the night, and the face usually wins to send the crowd home happy. So, Finn.
- WWE Title Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler - I do like the way Dolph snuck in that superkick on Dean during his promo. This will be the greatest match of Dolph’s career, but he’ll lose so Dean can go on to feud with AJ.
- WWE Women’s Title Match: Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte (Dana Brooke banned from ringside) - Sasha wins so she can face the monster Nia Jax next.
- WWE Intercontinental Title Match: The Miz vs. Apollo Crews - Who cares? Piss break. Miz wins.
- WWE Tag Team Title Match: New Day (Xavier Woods & Kofi Kingston) vs. Luke Gallows & Karl Anderson - Big E returns to get revenge on the Docs of Mashed Testicles, but they’ll be back later in the show. ND retains.
- WWE United States Title Match: Rusev vs. Roman Reigns - ROMANWINSLOL
- First In Best of Seven Match: Cesaro vs. Sheamus - Cesaro wins, but we’ll eventually get sick of these two.
- Randy Orton vs. Brock Lesnar - Bray Wyatt will interfere somehow, since he and Randy are slated to co-headline the ensuing house tours, and they had the staredown premonition. Luke Harper returns to assist the run-in and cause the match to be thrown out.
- John Cena vs. AJ Styles - AJ, since G & A will be there to crush John’s balls while the referee is knocked out. John goes on to become Kelly Ripa’s new cohost.
- Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens vs. Enzo Amore and Big Cass - The Canadians will have a big falling out and lose. How you doin?
- Eva Marie, Natalya and Alexa Bliss vs. Carmella, Naomi and Becky Lynch - Eva Marie shows up late, gets pinned, women’s division is a joke again.
My prediction:
Fans lose in every match.
I could see Seth going full nutso insane heel after losing and being blown off by Steph and Mick afterwards, leading to a continued program between them.
On the second, since they’re heels anyway, I could see Natalya and Alexa beating down All Red NoTalent after the loss, trying to turn Eva Marie face. Wouldn’t work, but some of us would still be entertained by the comeupance from her fellow heels.
Of course, Vince would never do that. 
Del Rio suspended for Wellness violation. Betting he’s soon to be out the door. Honestly I don’t know where he goes next unless he decides to call it quits (He’s 39).
His contract supposedly runs out next month, so it’s possible he’s on the way out anyway. He was red hot from his AAA/LU run when he came back and WWE proceeded to do absolutely nothing with him, but I can’t see him going back there considering how he pretty much burned that bridge.
ROH or CMLL, maybe?
He can wrestle around the world. He probably won’t make WWE money but if he wants to wrestle there’s always a place for him. But more likely he’ll start or buy into his own promotion. He’s got big international name recognition and he can be his own superstar on the roster for quite a while. He was best as a face on WWE when he was up against the Big Slow. As a heel he was too ordinary.
It’s been pointed out that today is Paige’s birthday, which makes the timing of the suspension announcement (Paige and Alberto have been a couple for a few months now) highly unfortunate at best and a big middle finger to the both of them at worst.
Oh shit. They just suspended Paige.
Paige has also been suspended for 30 days for a first time violation of the Wellness Policy.
Happy Birthday!