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…Eww, gross.
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You realize she’s like six feet tall, right? (And you CAN’T TEACH THAT!)
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The obvious answer is Stardust, because the breakup song would be a complete psychedelic mindfuck.
Oh I know she’s tall…but shes a twig.
In girth alone he’d rip her in twain
Well, we know it wouldn’t be Dean “Titty Master” Ambrose. She’s too flat.
So how bout that Seth Rollins twitter drama?!?
Cliffs Notes version: Rollins instagrammed a picture of an up-and-coming diva topless/naked. The news is that his instagram was hacked.
Shortly thereafter his fiancee tweets not one but TWO naked pictures of the man himself. Someone said “oh that wasn’t her, she was hacked too!” and her response was “Yeah it was me! hahahaha”.
What gets me about this is that Rollins had to have had that picture saved somewhere, and whatever that was was hacked AND his social media was hacked…at the same time.
So what’s the real story? Did we just expose a cheater? DRAMA!!!
Suggestion: Eventually Trips & Nips need to be removed from power. Possibly on the Raw after Wrestlemania.
So… Demote him on-air to be GM of NXT. Then later in the show, Regal approaches McMahon. Vince says he has another job for William Regal… RAW General Manager. Praise his no-nonsense approach and pulling off a contract signing (or two by then) without mayhem.
Then dear god, please give us 2-3 years of a rarely seen take-no-shit GM who doesn’t book revenge matches or shit on people. The evil GM thing is played out. Done. Fin. Let it rest a few years.
The Authority should have stayed gone after Survivor Series. The fact that they waited a mere five weeks to retcon it either says they’re absolutely flying by the seat of their pants, or they really can’t figure out any either way to book any given Raw than “start with a 20-minute Triple H promo and end with Daniel Bryan getting beaten up by everybody and their mom”.
Anyway, Takeover 4: We’re Doing This One A Month Early Because Vince Is Gonna Be Pissed If We Upstage WrestleMania is only one day away, and with a full six-match card booked, it’s time for another round of Uncle Smapti’s Always-Accurate* Predictions;
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Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens for the NXT title. When they first announced this as a non-title match, I was almost certain Owens was going over. Now that it’s a title match, I’m not so sure, but I still think he’ll win, if only because both the guys in the #1 contenders match are fan favorites. On the other hand, Sami has only had the NXT title for two months and has spent most of that time out of action selling the powerbomb from Owens at Takeover 3: Adrian and Sami’s Bogus Journey, so it seems a bit soon to take the belt off of him. I personally think there needs to be an NXT title match on WrestleMania this year, and I think the best way to do that would be to have Owens win here, defend at 'Mania against the winner of the #1 contenders match, and then have the winner of that match defend against Sami at Takeover 5: Where No Superstar Has Gone Before, so I’ll go with that.
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Adrian Neville vs. Finn Balor, #1 contenders match. This should be a hell of a match and might even steal the show from the main event, but I’m gonna say easy money that Finn wins this one. As great as Neville is, he’s already been champion and there isn’t really anything to be done with the NXT title that he hasn’t already done. I expect we’ll see him come up to the main roster shortly after WrestleMania (hopefully not as Mighty Mouse), so his job here is to put Finn over as a worthwhile competitor for the title. (Also, as I’ve said before, if they do an NXT match at 'Mania, having Finn come out in his demon paint would be a simply unforgettable way to introduce him to the world.)
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Charlotte vs. Bayley vs. Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch for the women’s title. The last two specials I predicted Charlotte would drop the belt, and I was wrong. This time, though… I’m going to predict she drops the belt. She’s now held the strap for 257 days, longer than any main-roster Divas champion except AJ, and she’s gone over pretty much everybody. As to who wins it… I’m gonna go out on a limb and say Becky Lynch. That they’ve just given her new music and new ring gear indicates that they’re trying to push her, and after last week’s episode it looks like she’s gearing up for a face turn. I say she turns on Sasha and pins her for the win.
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(Wesley) Blake & (Buddy) Murphy vs. the Lucha Dragons for the tag titles. Blake and Murphy won the tag titles in a fluke pin. This match is an opportunity to build them as guys who can actually win matches clean. I predict that they retain and Kalisto goes up to the main roster soon, with or without Sin Cara.
Speaking of Kalisto going to the main roster, I’m afraid I’ve got some good news. (No, wait, that doesn’t really work.) After the reports came out last week about Kalisto trying out a gay hairdresser gimmick, the news spread like wildfire to the point that Kalisto became a worldwide Twitter trend (and not the kind that Maggle likes to brag about on Raw, either.) WWE responded by pushing out a hastily-written press release saying that Kalisto was totally not going to be a gay hairdresser, and we never had any plans of making him one, and we don’t even know where you got that idea, leaked footage? What? We never heard about any footage, and so on. So crisis averted there.
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Baron Corbin vs. Bull Dempsey, no DQ. I’m not really sure why this needs to be a no DQ match, since neither of these guys really ever fight dirty, but I guess it’s the most EXTREME! stipulation match they can actually do in the NXT Arena since there isn’t really room for a steel cage or anything. I’m probably the only Bull Dempsey mark in the audience, so I for one would love to see him win this match, but I don’t consider that very likely. Baron picks up the win here.
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Hideo Itami vs. Tyler Breeze. Look, Prince Pretty. You know we all love you, right? All of us uggos look up to you, and you’re just so inspiring with how amazingly gorgeous you are… but this isn’t going to end well for you. Either Hideo is finally going to follow through with the Go-To-Sleep on you, or the Hunchback of Full Sail, Marcus Luis (who should really seek medical attention at this point, seeing as it’s been five months since Enzo threw that bucket of goo at him and his eyebrows still haven’t grown back) is going to drag you away and tie you up in the basement and make you listen to him read his angsty poetry about how nobody understands him. I’m not saying that you couldn’t beat Hideo if you really wanted to, it’s just that if something were to happen to your flawless visage in that fight, it would wound the NXT Universe to its very soul to see it. It might be best for everyone involved if you just skipped the match and put in some more time prospecting for new seasonal residences. JBL says the weather in Bermuda is great this time of year!
Overall, a pretty full card for a two-hour show, but I expect it to be a real barn-burner. Alas, since I have to work tomorrow night, I’ll have to wait until Thursday morning to watch the replay, and between that and Lucha Underground, I don’t know if my body will be able to handle that much excitement. So for now, I’ll just leave you with this Youtube clip of John Cena teaching you how to make a health food platter.
*And if you believe that, then I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news
Bull Dempsey as the main roster monster who can beat most people but always loses to people on the rise (and keeps coming back over and over with “You got lucky 32,437 times, it won’t happen again”) would definitely be a Vince sort of thing. He could replace Kane in that department.
It will blow over like the Edge/Lita/Matt Hardy story that happened 10 years ago. If you don’t remember it, then that kinda sorta kinda proves my point.
I have a feeling the only “response” from Stamford will be the sudden release of the “up-and-coming diva” from her contract. Toss a coin; heads, she ends up being fed to ODB in ROH; tails, to Awesome Kong in TNA.
/lana: внимание, внимание… Your American John Cena is such a (gets pushed aside by ODB)
/ODB: OUTTA DA WAY BITCH! This is ODB y’all! (slaps boob) Turn off that Darth Vader shit and PLAY SOME SKYNYRD! (burps) I don’t even know where Russia is! Know what kind of grades I got in Geography? Deeeees NUTS! (slaps boob) Hey, I’m gettin’ a new tattoo! I’m gonna have a couple of eyes and a headband over my hoochie and call it Willie Nelson! I’m out, y’all! PAYCE!
So, Seth either can’t keep it in his pants, or he attracts some psycho bitches, or a little of both? Seth is a next level heel, has a porn star build, and wears tight leather which exudes a “bad boy” image in and of itself. I predict he’s going to get in some more hot water behind the scenes, and Vince will want to exploit that kind of infamy to some degree. I hope he doesn’t wind up as another Christ Benoit.
On to RAW: I do like the direction they’re going in making RR heelish. It justifies the smarks’ dislike of him with the mainstream. If they have DB win at Fastlane and beat Brrrrock at WM, it will make D-Bryan a god. Then, RR can challenge him and win the belt from him on the following RAW and the ends will justify the means as far as Vince is concerned. D-Bryan would be back in the sympathetic spotlight, where he excels, and RR can cement his place as champ with victories over Zig, Cena, Ryback, etc.
Speaking of Cena, it looks like he’s heading to JTTS status. Lana and Kruschev, I mean Rusev, kept calling him “old” and “blind.” His face does seem to have lost that youthful exuberance. His jowls are getting saggy, like Walter Matthau. Maybe it’s just to add more gravitas to the feud in making Cena seem at a disadvantage, in order to fuel his “heroic comeback” before match end, but I get the inkling WWE’s about to lower Cena to the Kane/Ziggler/Jericho tier. He’ll be main event fodder for Reigns, Rollins, etc and have the “15 time WWE champion” credentials for the commentators to mention to make him sound like a worthy opponent, much like Curtis Axel’s accolades. He’s already made shitloads of money, so he shouldn’t mind.
Cesaro and Kidd are coming along, and Natalya is making a slow transition to the dark bitch side. I liked the way they kept breaking the Uso pattern: get thrown out of the ring, then get splashed by flying Usos. Kidd is an ideal jerkface, and Cesaro has finally found his groove with him. They’re partners in crime, a combination of Cesaro’s in-ring savvy and Kidd’s talent for exploiting flaws. I hope they win the belts and stay a team for a good long time.
The HHH/Sting confrontation added more levels of mystery to Sting’s identity, as he never said a word. They used the Jumbotron CGI to great effect, as the “I ACCEPT” words dissolved into mist. Steve Borden was probably never there in person. They used OMG stunt doubles. Soooo many stunt doubles.
Which leads to the Mizdow angle. I’ve been wanting this to wrap up for weeks now, but last Monday was funny. Miz actually trumped the fans taunting him with the sheer power of his douchebaggery, and now I don’t want him released any more. “Mizdow, while you’re out of the ring, can you get me some water?” That was some truly inspired heel hubris, and Miz really nailed it.
Zig and Bray had the match of the night again, and Bray’s promo addressing the unaddressed Undertaker bordered on the realm of mindfuckery. This graduating class of NXT has pwned WWE.
I’m surprised they didn’t take away that fan’s sign of Reigns’s face with DERP underneath. Maybe they thought it was complimentary.
Overall, a good RAW this week. They strayed from the same ol’ same ol’ and kept me awake.
NXT (Ar)Rival predictions: I can’t even think of a nickname for the show at this point, so my armchair booking fu is lacking.
Finn over Adrian, because Finn is a rock star. He could start his own religion. Adrian’s been awesome, and he will continue to be, wherever he goes.
Owens over Zayn, just for the sake of balance. NXT has too many faces and the #1 contender will be a face. Owens has paid his dues, and his push won’t seem forced like RR. Zayn has the D-Bryan underdog kind of heat that makes him insanely over, and it will be good for NXT to continue that dynamic.
Corbin over Bull, reiterating my earlier prediction that Bull will call in help from CJ Parker and other jobbers to swamp Corbin, who will then hulk up, throw off the mob, and End Bull’s Days. Smapti, I do like Bull, because he’s fun to goof on. He’s the fall guy who won’t admit defeat and will keep bugging Corbin until he cracks.
Women’s title: Sasha Banks. Charlotte is long overdue for ascendance to the main roster, and this will be a spectacular send-off for her. Sasha is an up-and-coming bitch goddess, and the title will cement her cred.
Blake & Murphy over Lucha Dragons, because Kallisto is also ascending, gay hairdresser gimmick or no. btw, I think WWE’s denial of that angle is another example of Poe’s Law in effect. Maybe somebody outside of WWE actually did start that rumor, and it went viral because it sounds so much like something Vince would do. Or, it could have just been one proposal out of a list that leapt out and assumed a life of its own. At least it’s been quashed, and that’s good for mankind.
Hideo over Breeze, if only to finally get off his GTS to much smark rejoicing.
Will we see Solomon Crowe’s debut? Will he be like the girl ghost from The Ring and step out of the big screen? Squawk.
Works for me. Then I still want to see Wrestlemania open with no promo, no announcers, no music…Nothing. The lights drop and we go into an epic, Wrestlemania level Finn Balor entrance with absolute silence from the announce team and these two opening the show.
That would be one fucking awesome intro for the WWE Universe.
Alright, let’s do the “Unlike Smapti and Knowed Out these predictions are actually true” predictions from the teahouse.
Finn Balor and Adrian Neville: This will be a barnburner and definitely the match of the night. Finn is also going to go over because there’s nothing left for Neville to DO in NXT anymore than get the new guys (ironic to say given its NXT) over. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is winding down to the end of Neville and he gets a call-up here soon. I can’t wait to see what Finn is going to look like!
Becky and $asha and Bayley and Charlotte: I can’t exactly remember if I predicted Charlotte losing her titles in the last couple of shows, but I want to say that I figured she would retain the whole time. This time I’m different. I think that she will lose, but to whom? No idea. It’s going to go one of two ways. She’s either going to knock my girl out, get double-teamed (giggity) by Becky and $asha, and Becky “betrays” $asha, steals the belt, and is the new champ thus making a $asha Becky feud. If that doesn’t happen it’s $asha going over clean and probably starting something with Bayley darling.
Baron/Bull: This is going to be like the other matches where Baron comes away clean. I’m sure there’ll be more of a fight, probably a false finish or two, but at the end of the day Baron wins and Bull becomes the imposing jobber
Anonymous Tag Team Champs vs Lucha Dragons: The ATT will win based on the fact that they are hopefully uniting the dragons together in WWE and they are pushing the ATT until they drop the belts to, presumably, Vaudevillians.
Hideo vs Breeze: I think Scorpion gets over Prince Pretty to keep him strong, although if I have to waiver on any one of my picks it’s this one. They’re kinda screwed regardless since they have to either kill Scorpions momentum, or ruin Prince Pretty in his debut(-ish). I wouldn’t be surprised if Breeze DOES win, but I don’t think he will.
Here’s to hoping we see a Solomon Crowe debut/interruption, but NXT doesn’t really DO that…
5 more days til RAW!
FYI for any of you Ohio-area fans who couldn’t score a ticket for NXT’s out-of-Florida debut in Columbus; they’ve added a show in Cleveland as well.
Did anyone else know that Bull considers himself the last of a dying breed? and old tyme brawler?
They’ve never mentioned that before
NXT started as Botchamania, but ended at Wrestlemania. Let’s run through the card:
Hideo vs Breeze: A decent opening match that had a couple botches in it. Hideo teased the GTS again but never delivered. This kinda surprises me truth be told, I expected that to be his finisher for this special and then go back to never seeing it again. There was a cool moment where Itami was getting beaten pretty good, but kept screaming/laughing and then did a surge. Like I figured would happen, we have a Scorpion win to keep him strong
Lone Wolf vs Big Bull: I love how a no disqualification match had precisely ZERO spots that indicated as such. The closest we had was Bull looking under the ring for a table, and finding nothing. I don’t know if that was a tease or a fuckup, but regardless there was nothing interesting that happened. Hell, even the chair at the end wasn’t used. Were they trying to set up an End of Days on it but missed? Corbin wins, then sits down for a while.
Anonymous Happy Tag Team vs The Dragons: Neither Sin Cara nor Kallisto were on there games in this match. Slips, falls, missed spots…it was pretty bad. AHTT actually have a pretty decent look about them. They’re big guys with long hair that have an almost Rockers kind of look about them. I don’t like the storytelling of “Dragon tried to pin the wrong guy cuz of a hidden tag” thing that they did twice now, but if WWE is close to reuniting The Dragons on the big stage, I’ll be a happy camper.
Solomon Crowe Teaser: Next week huh? I’m pretty excited, although I think they’re gonna feed my boy Bagels to him. (That’s Cable {Tom I think?} for those that don’t know. I misheard and thought they said bagels and thought that was funny as hell).
Female Fatal Fourway: I’ve said in the past that I’m not big on multi-person matches because you know that they are going to have Person A and Person B fight, Then Person A and Person C, Then Person B and Person C…And it can get tiring. This was pretty much the same here, but it didn’t seem AS bad as normal. Honestly the best compliment I can give this match is that I forgot I was watching Divas wrestle. The ladies here are SO much better than the ones on the main roster! Decent spots overall. I liked the Bayley-to-Belly from the top ropes, and even the end was well done. Using a submission to tire someone out and then pin them is something that’s new to me. Only REAL complaint is that while I am OK with a face Charlotte, $asha has been a thorn in her side for months, the whole hugging thing was dumb.
Oh and while I’m on the subject, the fuck is up with Becky Lynch? Went from badass rocker girl to Bayley wannabe superhero thing. Give her her old look back, she looks like a shitshow.
Finn Balor vs Adrian Neville: Was anyone else bummed out that Finns paint was the same as last time? I know that they need to sell his shirts, and maybe WWE doesn’t want to pay rights to Marvel for branded paints, but he can come up with something different can’t he? I was even bored with his entrance since it was exactly the same as last time…sigh…oh well…maybe next time…
As for the match, just as I said, this was best of the night. I think it was a good idea to start it off slow so that when it was ramped up it was REALLY ramped up. I loved the spot of Finn doing his finisher in Adrian’s head, I loved that Finn kicked out of the Red Arrow, I loved that it ended with a countered Red Arrow, it was a gooooood match.
Sami Zayn vs Kevin Owens: I’m still totally digesting this ending, but I believe that the more I sleep on it the better I’ll like it. It was a way to take the belt of Sami without him having to get pinned or submit, it makes KO look like an unstoppable force, it puts the belt on a heel, and it gives a good push to the next round of their story. I wonder where this puts Finn though. He’s the number one contender for the belt, but Sami still has his rematch clause and it’s too early to kill a good story like this. I would assume that KO/Zayn is going to go for a bit with Finn just riding on the “I’m the number one contender” for a while.
Speaking of Zayn…I like his new shirt! I’m not one to really like wrestling shirts, but his is funny and makes it seem like he’s a part of some hipster band that no one has ever heard of. Not planning on seeing any NXT shows until late summer, but if I stumble across one I’ll certainly think twice…
OLAYYY OLAYOLAYOLAYYYY OLAYYY OLAYYYY
All my predictions for NXT Rival came true, aside from how the matches would play out. Since, NXT’s become too predictable, I’m not going to watch it anymore.
NOT GOING TO WATCH IT ANYMORE OPPOSITE!
I’m going to get the feed imprinted on the inside of my eyelids. Blown away am I. This is the markiest I’ve ever marked out. Normally I’m so jaded and cynical. What happened?
First of all, remember when I said Finn was being too theatrical? I take it back. He’s not just a wrestler. He’s an art form. He is an alien spider god. He doesn’t just spray on body paint and put on a dreadlock wig. He LIVES the role. You see how he moved in his entrance and in the ring? Like a spider. He writhes. He uncoils. His hands and feet are tentacles. He coordinates his motions to music and light. He’s a Heavy Metal animation. He’s a non-Euclidean life form that dimension walks.
wow…
Prince Pretty vs Hideo: Tyler’s getting fancier with the ring attire, but Hideo is not impressed. Once he gets that offensive barrage going, pray for his opponent. Hideo got another GTS tease, but still no payoff yet. His eventual pairing with KO should be massively violent.
Bull vs Baron: The suplex on the ramp looked impressive, and shows that Corbin can take bumps. The match lasted longer than usual, but Bull seemed a little confused as to what to do a few times. The no-DQ thing wasn’t even really a factor until Bull brought in the chair, and it just served to be a way to get snagged into End of Days. Plus, the NXT ring has that wide monitor as a side, so it’s not exactly conducive to plunder hunts. Come to think of it, NXT matches rarely involve chairs or foreign objects. They’re not needed to add to the suspense built by sheer talent alone.
Blake & Murphy vs Lucha Dragons: B&M blew a few spots, but their gimmick seems to be that they’re fall guys who manage to catch their opponents unaware while they’re taking falls. There were so many occasions where B or M would take a bump but somehow turn it to their advantage. They haven’t managed to smooth out all the cracks yet, but they’re getting there. I’m guessing this will lead to a feud with the Vaudevillains, who will find their offensive efforts foiled by these goofballs. It’s weird to see Sin Cara pull a Goldberg move and lift somebody who’s got him in an armbar over his head. Several times. Are his tattoos runes of power or something?
Divas’ Four-Way: These chicks are BRUTAL. Becky Lynch was at her best this match. Bayley wasn’t everybody’s bitch like she usually is, and got off some mean grrrl violence. The ending seemed a little mismanaged. Sasha’s stretching of Charlotte did indeed look painful, but it seemed like one of those situations where surely one of the contestants knocked to the outside would break up the pin at the last second. Still a good match, and Sasha should make for a good heel bitch queen.
Finn vs Neville: I have no words. I was so blown away. This was like a fully detailed Corvette. Finn was the detail artist and Neville was the mechanic that kept the engine running flawlessly. This match was a masterpiece.
KO vs Sami Zayn: Another wow fucking wow. Zayn has Zig’s ability to fold into a helpless heap of flesh when he takes a bump. KO surpassed anything he did in RoH, and came off as a true badass. This was some marquis brutality. Whenever Zayn retires, he should be made head trainer instantly. He’s a master of playing the plucky underdog role who can sell a continual beatdown. This match should be archived and made required viewing for any wannabe wrestler.
*BOWANGAWANGAHHH
BWANNNNHHH*
I watched NXT first this time, and the transition to the LU world harshed my buzz. I wasn’t really into the first match between Fenix and lucha #24561, and the mix with Mil Muertes subduing his valet with the power of machismo left me confused. How did Chavo get mixed up in this?
Son of Havoc is showing he’s more than just a goofball jobber who wrecks into his gf accidentally just a few too many times. He really connected with Johnny Mundo, and it didn’t turn into a squash as expected.
Pentagon Jr. is also departing heavily from the vanilla lucha mold and the arm break he put on his opponent looked really painful. This is an interesting angle to follow.
Cool confessional scene with Big Ryck, reminiscent of The Godfather. He’s got the Nick Fury eyepatch now.
Alberto El Patron is truly in his own element now. It’s too bad he and WWE got along like oil and water, but sometimes things just don’t gel. I’m not familiar with Tejano, who is apparently Alberto’s mortal enemy, but it appears LU will serve as another venue for their lifelong feud.
Gah, this review sucks. LU did not inspire me this week because NXT stole their mojo. There’s always next week.
*BOWANGAWANGAHHH
BWANNNNHHH*
I’m familiar with all of these words, but I have no fucking clue what you just said.
I watched, but unfortunately, I was too distracted to be paying close attention and missed a lot. I need a chance to sit down when I’m not hip deep in 10 million thoughts and issues and watch it with a beer in my hand.
The NXT ring has a video board on it, which isn’t very good if you’re looking for shit under the ring to hurt your opponent with
Thanks for the clarification, STC. “Plunder” is a term Dusty Rhodes used when he was commentating. Whenever somebody started pulling stuff out from under the ring, Dusty would shout “He’s goin’ plunderin’!”
Dusty also coined the term “Clubberin’”, which is when a tag team has a victim trapped in their corner and they gang up on him. He defined it as “when four fisties meet one headus!”