After my mother died, her whole side of the family bugged out, so Dad, bro and I are pretty much cut off from them. My brother is not a good communicator, though I talk to his wife from time to time. Mostly, in terms of blood relatives, I only really talk to my dad. And I like it that way.
There is a very sad family story regarding my father. He is an only child. Dad’s father was estranged from all of his siblings. It had something to do with dad’s father giving money to one of his sibling’s kids to help pay for college but allegedly the kid used the money for something else. Dad’s mother was estranged from all of her siblings. It had something to do with the care of their mother when she was too old to care for herself.
Dad grew up with no siblings and didn’t know any of his first cousins or aunts and uncles. Dad’s father died when he was thirteen. The scariest moment of his childhood happened at his apartment after the memorial service. A man walked in the room and he for a second thought it was his father returning from the dead. It was his uncle who he had never met who had a strong resemblance to his dad.
This is one of the saddest threads I’ve ever read on these boards. I can understand many of the estrangements you guys have shared (where there is abuse, etc.), but the ones where people just completely cut themselves off for no apparent reason are particularly horrible. I don’t have any estranged relatives, including all my siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The idea that any of them could arbitrarily decide to drop out of the picture to the extent that we literally wouldn’t know where they are is horrifying. 
I’m sorry for all of your losses.
I’m estranged from my maternal grandmother, who is mean as a pit viper in a box full of grasshoppers. Ironically, it was she who decided to estrange herself from the rest of the family, with all the flourish and drama that a mentally unstable Southern baptist can summon.
Unfortunately for her, the whole family quickly learned that estrangement has its benefits. Since she’s written us off, we’ve come to realize how much more pleasant the holidays are. No one ends up crying, no one has to hit the vodka in order to deal with her grating voice quoting Bible passages out of context.
Recently she has made efforts to reconcile with us. Turns out that drama is no fun without an audience. Personally I hope she stays estranged even if that means that she leaves all her money to a dog shelter (which is what she said she was going to do).
My wife’s parents were not good parents by any means, and all three of their kids show the signs of an abusive childhood.
One day, they decided that they didn’t want to be continuously reminded of their past mistakes, so they asked my wife to never talk about the abuse, or the past, or her emotions. My wife said she could not do that, she would not spend her time having such a superficial relationship. And so with the words “I guess we won’t bother then” they ended their relationship with their daughter. We haven’t heard from them since.
fuckers.
Father left the family when I was 9. Seen him only a handful of times since. I have 2 half brothers (older one 23 years younger than I am). My stepmother is 2 years younger than I am. He treats those kids better than he ever did us.
I was afraid I had heard the last from my brother after last Christmas when I called him and got a very odd cold shoulder from him. I had done nothing to warrant it and my hurt feelings wouldn’t allow me to call him to ask WTF? Yesterday he called me out of the blue and began making chitchat and small talk and being very upbeat. I recognized that this was his way of apologizing, which, as the oldest child, is tantamount to taking a beating. So we’re back on good terms again, thank og. That only leaves my brother-in-law, for which there is no hope. Unfortunately, it strains my relationship with my sister and her kids.
Then there’s my cousin John, from whom nobody has heard in many, many years. He has become a suspicious recluse and all attempts to contact him are met with silence. My family is very small, so the impact is large.
I am estranged from my dad for 10 years, and loving it.
He is very unpleasant to be around and my childhood was a tragedy. When I was in my mid-20’s, it occurred to me that one needs to make a choice about others: either accept them the way they are and don’t expect change (love them unconditionally), or go away from them. There is no way that I can accept my father and his behavior, so it’s best for both of us and the whole family if we stay apart.
I’m happy with this decision, and have never regretted it.
My immediate family is small - I only have four first cousins, two of whom I haven’t seen for several years, since my uncle got divorced and they remained with their mother. It was very acrimonious and she knows that none of his relatives ever liked her, so unless we bump into each other by accident, it is unlikely I will ever see them again. Last time I saw the cousins they were in their early teens, so now they’re young adults. It’s sad, but the knowledge that their mother has probably poisoned them against us means that there’s probably little point in trying to reach out.
The SO and I are waiting to be financially stable until we get married and move out from my mom’s house. For some reason, my mom allows my dad to live there, even though they’ve been separated for all of my life (23 years). Once we move out, we’ll get married and start ignoring my dad’s existance. He is utter poison in anyone’s life and I can’t for the life of me wonder why my mom doesn’t divorce him and force him to move out of the house. Stupid Asian customs and the whole ‘it’s wrong to get divorced because you’ll lose face’. Gah.
But the day when I’ll be able to totally forget about my dad is the day my life gets better.
I stumble across this thread while searching Straight Dope to find something to take my mind off of the SIX hour telephone conversation I had with my mother today. The ONLY reason I stayed on the phone so long was the misguided hope that today would be the day of dawning that might clear the air between us, but instead, I spent most of the conversation apologizing for what a worthless piece of shit of a daughter I am and for the fact that I’ve made her life a living hell since the moment I was born.
Somehow, because I’m such a fuck up and could never possible deserve to, I’ve just stumbled across a wonderful husband, the greatest kids ever gifted to parents, a terrific job, and a generally happy life in all aspects except my relationship with my mother. Damn lucky stumbling I’ve done …
I supposed it’s time to cut her out of my life again, but us damn women have such a hard time accepting that our mothers could dislike us so much that hope springs eternal.
Guess the Straight Dope wasn’t the place to come, huh?
Maybe you can learn from the other posters who have moved on and away from their toxic relatives. You know the well is poisoned. How often will you try yet again to draw water from it?
I’m glad you have so many good things in your life! It’ll make cutting out the bad all the easier, if you choose to do so.
Ouch - a truthful statement that stings with it’s obvious message, but one I’m embracing and incorporating none the less.
Thank you - sincerely. I think I needed to hear that even though it hurt a bit.
Well, I wasn’t going to chime in…but AdoptamomII’s post struck a chord. Our relationships with our mothers sound so similar. I finally gave up on every connvincing her that I hadn’t ruined her life. Let’s see, I got straight As in high school, dated nice guys, got a full scholarship to college, moved across country so she could be near her grandchildren, have a successful career, 3 great adult children, etc. etc. BUT…whenever anything goes wrong, it can be traced to something I have or haven’t done. The family pictures get wet–I should have told her to store them somewhere else. Aunt Martha isn’t invited to my niece’s wedding–I should have reminded her to double check the list. My brother drinks too much at a funeral–I should have stopped him. I’m 55 and I’ve had enough. Alas, giving up on mom has placed a strain on relationships with my brothers. So, I focus on my husband, children and 3 month old grand child. Hang in there–you will probably reach a place of peace where you realize you have the freedom to stop playing the role of the “bad child”. If that’s the only role that is permitted, you my have to decide not to play at all.
For those of you who think that family members have cut themselves off “for no reason”–I’d like to suggest that many times there is a reason–you just may not be in on the dirty little mental game that’s been played on them. Sometimes you get enough information and twise yourself around enough to see their point of view. Other times, you can’t. Many members of my family see my decision to stay away from family gatherings as incomprehensible. But I know that there is a very important reason–my mental and emotional health and self-respect.
I would like to offer an “AMEN” to that.
If there are any people out there reading this and thinking, “Hey, that is like my brother or my sister”, I would suggest to you that you likely have a telephone. Pick it up.
I was.
Didn’t talk to my brother for 10 years, when he and Dad had a falling out over a custody battle. Those two made up a year later, but he and I were quite content to ignore each other. Then at one point we had to attend the same funeral, he got all mushy and insisted on “keeping in contact”. Just a couple of photo emails a year, but I still miss the estrangement.
This is gold.
I wish more people would adopt this to access their personal situations better.
The more I know of human nature the more I am convinced most people are on Auto pilot.
Bullshit. It’s not you, it’s her. The sooner you realize that the healthier you’ll be. She enjoys making you miserable. That’s her power over you. Why give her that power? Keep in mind how much time and energy you are expending trying to pet that alligator on your lap, hoping it will purr.
Now think about how that time and energy could better be spent on your
Every second you spend fretting over your mother is a second taken away from your family. Your real family.
Be the mom to your kids that you never had. As my father says, don’t trip over the stuff behind you.
ivylass, who has not spoken to her mother in 14 years (by choice) and has never regretted a day.
What did he do to endanger your kids? Just curious.
Ivylass - I wish I’d recognized the alligator for what it was years ago as you have. I seem to be a little slower on the uptake but the last 24 hours has crystalized a few things for me. With your permission, I’m borrowing your dad’s advice not to trip over anything behind me. It fits very well.
Thank you. I will limit my tears to private times and refocus on the family that counts.