I’m a social incompetent and just very weird and strange. I’ll never be normal because of what those bastards did to me, an innocent child. :mad:
What bastards? What did they do to you? More info, please.
I just want to know if anyone feels the same way. I don’t mean to be too private, but it’s just a long-ass story. It’s the typical dyfunctional crap that I’ve read about on so many other posts. You know, parental abandonment, neighborhood perverts taking advantage of little girls, being the pariah of siblings, etc. etc.
I want to get over it all but it hurts almost every day. I guess advice would be helpful, although I’ve been to counseling and I’ve worked out many behavioral problems related to all this, but I still can’t quiet the pain that wells up just about every day! I just want to be normal!!!
There’s no such thing as “normal.”
Once you realize this, you’ll cope better. 
There are quite a few people here who’ve experienced - and posted about - being molested when young. Hopefully someone with more experience on the subject will be along to give some advice.
My best advice, from my POV of having gone through therapy after being raped, is that it hurts like hell to try to truly deal with it, but it’s worth it in the end. Are you able to find some kind of counseling to help you?
“Anyone else feel the way I do?”
“How do you feel?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
what
Some Frampton Comes Alive will wash those blues away!
“Do you FEEEEEL like I DOOOOO …”
(That guitar really did talk, you know.)
Sorry, I missed the part where you said you’d been to counseling. I found that a couple different kinds helped - I went to a regular therapist, plus to a group therapy session after that was done. Later on I found some issues around it resurfacing, due to depression, but it’s not an “every day” weight on me any longer. That was one incident though, and everyone’s different so I’m not certain if group therapy or seeing another counselor or what might be the ticket to help you feel a little better.
Indeed. If you think about it, there can only be one truly “normal” person on the planet. Everyone else is either to one side or another in varying degrees. And since this one normal person is different from everyone else, it makes him abnormal too.
As rjung says, there are no “normal” people.
You know, this post is going to sound cold and heartless, but I don’t mean it that way. I think that if you absorb what I’m about to say then it really will help you.
If you really do feel that way, then I think you’re right. You can’t become “normal” or “socially competent” if you feel that you can’t.
However, if you change your mind and decide that although you aren’t and weren’t in control of what happened to you in the past but you ARE in control of who you are and how you feel NOW, then you CAN change for the better.
Figuring out how to make that decision and how to change is the hard part, but it’s impossible if you feel that you can’t.
Good luck! Other Dopers that have gone through similar experiences are here to help you with the specifics when you need it.
I find that meeting people and being socially “competent” is just a question of confidence. Have faith in yourself.
andros dear, I’m happy to say how I feel, it’s in my post. I just want to know if other people really, I mean really, truly feel like an odd man out in society. I’ll talk about the feelings, happily, I just don’t think the details of why I feel that way are that important.
I’ll tell you guys that I posted that in a fit, I feel better now. When I say I’m socially incompetent, that’s how I feel on the inside. I actually have a pretty great life right now, a long relationship with my husband, a great job, I have a nice little house in a great area. I have rich friendships and hobbies. I do appreciate today, but before therapy, I never acknowledged the past, and I do believe you have to acknowledge the past before looking to the future, which I KNOW I’ll do more and more.
Gadfly, I appreciate your compassion. I have confidence a lot of the time, but I am just SO SICK of dealing, just about every day, with the pain. Ferret Herder, thanks for the suggestions. As you mentioned I have been through counseling and perhaps another round might eventually be in order. I really was a closed off person before and (I believe) as a result of therapy, I just have these feelings of pain and anger and heartbreak and they are SOOO overwhelming at times.
I keep looking for people who have been through what I’m going through now. I don’t know how long it’s going to last!
I realize I was probably too general initially but as I said I was in a fit.
So, to clarify, one specific problem is that when someone lets me down, it REALLY affects me. I have friends that are good friends, but there are some friends that I really get close to and I’m afraid that I may do things to ensure that they NEED me, like really making sure I’m there to support them, and I make them a priority in my life. And then the letdown is when I discover that I’m not a priority in their life. The letdown is actually easier (after the initial pain) than the wondering whether or not I’m important to them. Then, when someone lets me down, I kind of get the attitude of “OK, this is what the world is like, so I’m not going to get close to anyone else again.” Of course, I don’t follow through, which I think is a good thing. So maybe this specifically is related to my father leaving, but realizing that doesn’t really change that I do it…
So that’s where I get the socially incompetent thing…I feel like I can’t have a “close relationship” with someone without needing to feel like I’m also high on their list of priorities. I don’t know what the proper boundaries are…what’s the difference between being someone’s friend and caring about someone, or needing someone like they’re your family?
Maybe I’m just super-sensitive, and if that’s the case, I really don’t know how to change that. It seems like I can turn into Mr. Spock if I want to, but I’ve been there, done that, and that’s no good, either.
So how do I find a happy medium? (Prozac?)
Now in terms of “Normal” being relative, if everyone is “not normal” then why do we all feel so alone in our strangeness or weirdness (or uniqueness? to put a positive spin on it)?
I have quite a few problems because of being abused, neglected, and socially isolated when I was a baby/toddler.
Unfortunately, friends (and family) will let you down. They’re human too. IANAD, but it sounds as if you are afraid of being abandoned. I think you are being too hard on yourself when you use the phrase “social incompetent.” That being said, it is possible that people around you perceive your neediness and tend to draw away.
I don’t think they mean to hurt you. Most people don’t intentionally hurt other people. More likely, either they don’t realize what’s happening, or they are uncomfortable with the pace of the relationship. Most friendships are built slowly and evenly. You ask a potential friend over for dinner, then she asks you to a party. You go shopping together. You babysit her kids on the weekend, and she comes to pick you up when your car craps out. You begin to have real conversations. She sees you upset with your spouse and tries to calm you down, then you see her get mad at her kids and you offer advice. And so on …
If someone invites you for dinner and you respond by offering to be her Lamaze partner, that is somewhat out of the usual pattern and can make people feel inadequate and uncomfortable. Of course, people do meet and become instant friends, but that’s the exception, not the rule.
Like I said before, I’m not a doctor and YMMV. This has just been my personal experience. And I also know from personal experience that it is difficult when you feel a connection with someone that they don’t seem to reciprocate.
Heart On My Sleeve, I know what you’ve been through. Truly, I do. I spent last Sunday night crying in my boyfriend’s arms because I finally told him about what happened to me as a child. But it felt like this huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.
I can’t tell you that it’s ever going to go away. It’s not. I have a feeling I’m going to be 70 years old and I’m still going to remember what happened. And it’s still going to hurt. But the way I deal with it, the way I choose to deal with it - that’s where I can stop it dead in its tracks and basically scream “Fuck you!” at the pain.
Sometimes, we can’t make that choice. Sometimes, it does hurt too much. You’re making a great step by going to therapy. You really are. And I promise, it will help. There’s a reason people advocate therapy for these things - because it does help. But don’t be afraid to lean on other peple - don’t be afraid to lean on your friends, don’t be afraid to lean on your husband - even message boards and email groups can be a huge help just because you know someone is out there listening to you.
However, you do have to be the one to take that first step. You have to be brave enough to want to conquer your demons - and it sounds like you are. And yeah, it sucks some days, and there are some days that you can’t sleep for the nightmares and some days that you want to do nothing but cry, and other days when it seems like getting out of bed requires more effort than you’re willing to give. But if you’re willing to confront the demons, then those days can get further and further apart. They’ll probably never go away, but you can scare them off for awhile.
All of this is simply to say that there are people out there who understand. Someone on this board helped me immensely when I needed to talk about what happened to me, and if you need to do the same, my email is right below - please feel free to use it, okay? And you have my best wishes, hugs, and anything else you may need.
Ava
Thanks, people, more, more!!!
Oops, I’m being too needy, aren’t I?
I learned that the only person who can make me truly happy is me. I love my husband and my kids and my life now but that is because I stopped looking at everyone else around me to make up for a shitty childhood. That made a huge difference in my life and my outlook on life.
For as long as you let the past hurt you, you are still the victim of whomever abused you. Stop punishing yourself for what other people did. Take away their power over you.
Avabeth has said a lot of great stuff up there If therapy works for you then use it. I’ve never had a lot of luck with it myself but I’ve known some incredible therapists who helped a lot of people.
Also skeptic_ev is very right. People will let you down. Especially if you have unrealistic expectations about your relationships. I’m not saying don’t invest yourself emotionally in a relationship but you need to know what you can and are willing to give - no strings attached - and you need to be realistic in what you expect others to give in return.
And who wants to be normal anyway?
I am assured by Mr. Bibble (who lives in my finger) that normality is greatly overrated.
I’m 26 years old and I’ve never been kissed or had the desire to kiss anyone. I’m not attracted to men or women and the idea of being intimate makes me want to run and hide.
I live in a tiny one-bedroom apartment in Newark, NJ. My sister calls my place “the projects”. Roaches creep out of hiding places at night, entertaining my cats for hours. The water that comes out of my kitchen faucet tastes like grass and fizzes like soda.
I have very few friends and my idea of a fun time is walking five miles to the K-Mart and back. Oh yeah, counting nematodes is an absolute blast!
</self-pity>
I know how you feel. I feel very socially retarded. I feel like when I die, people are going to say, “It’s such a shame that monstro was so stunted! She could have gone far in life.” I know if I wasn’t me, I’d make fun of me. But over the years, I’ve come to accept that I’m a weirdo. I’ve given up trying to be something I’m not. The best I can do is make myself as presentable as possible so that no one hates me.
I wasn’t abused. I had a pleasant childhood for the most part. I don’t know why I’m the way I am. Perhaps you’re the way you are because of past experiences. Or maybe you’re just the way you were meant to be and you just need to accept it.