Anybody have any success dealing with a procrastinating spouse?

[Emerald_Hawk]

@featherlou

The “won’t let me do it” is because he used to be a professional painter, and wants the paint job to be perfect, not because he’ll knock me around the house if I do it myself. I like the idea of a schedule; I’ll see what he thinks of that.

Have you tried a “let’s work on this together” approach?

I’m not allowed to do laundry in my relationship (my girlfriend’s system of What Goes in the Dryer and What Does Not is super-complicated). However, it doesn’t get done as often as I would like. To deal with this, I schedule a time with her when we can do it together. Before we start, I spend a few minutes quizzing her on how each piece should be done, and then I go do the laundry. When it is time to take some items out of the dryer after 5 minutes to be hung up, I have her double check my work. Doing it this way is a little more work, but it results in less nagging than a deadline and less hurt feelings and shrunken clothes than if I just did it myself.

Maybe you could try the same thing with painting? Schedule a time to work on it together, so that your husband can supervise. As long as you have decent hand-eye coordination and aren’t legally blind, you should be able to paint quite well once he shows you how. Even if you can’t paint, if you start in on the grunt work of moving furniture, taping and putting down drop cloths (the main reason most painting jobs never get started, IMHO), he will be more willing to pitch in and start helping too.

Good luck!

[jawdirk]

@Emerald Hawk

Have you tried a “let’s work on this together” approach?
…To deal with this, I schedule a time with her when we can do it together. Before we start, I spend a few minutes quizzing her on how each piece should be done, and then I go do the laundry. When it is time to take some items out of the dryer after 5 minutes to be hung up, I have her double check my work… Maybe you could try the same thing with painting? Schedule a time to work on it together, so that your husband can supervise.

Speaking as an accomplished procrastinator, I second this idea; it’s quite ingenious. It accomplishes the following:

1. Get’s the procrastinator thinking about how to do it in detail. He has to think about it to explain it to you. Thinking through the task to the details is the biggest hurtle.
2. Gives the procrastinator support without passing judgement. Procrastinators love to work on things with other people, but not for other people and not even for themselves.
3. Gets rid of the dynamic of “you must do this because I want you to do it” by putting the procrastinator in the position of power.

Threats and unilateral decisions may work, but they will generate negative tension and reinforce the behavior! You’re in it for the long haul, so that isn’t a good option.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@jawdirk

<snip>
2) Gives the procrastinator support without passing judgement. Procrastinators love to work on things with other people, but not for other people and not even for themselves.
3) Gets rid of the dynamic of “you must do this because I want you to do it” by putting the procrastinator in the position of power.

Threats and unilateral decisions may work, but they will generate negative tension and reinforce the behavior! You’re in it for the long haul, so that isn’t a good option.

This is so true. Painting the house isn’t for me, it’s for US, but when I keep reminding him about it and asking him when he’s going to get around to it, I think it does become a power issue. And there’s no doubt in my mind that Jim will dig in his heels when he feels he’s being pushed (he’s not the only one in the relationship like that, either. )

You know, he’s got a lot of painter’s tape around here. I might just start taping things.

[magpyre]

Beat him around the head and shoulders with a paintbrush, then say “If you were using this to paint with I would not be able to do this”

or pinch his credit card and go shopping, then say “if I were allowed to do some painting, think of the money you would save”

or employ a hot young hunk to do it, moon around him a lot then say “if you had done the painting I would not have the hots for this bloke”

hmmm maybe marriage guidance isnt my thing.