I'm so fucking mad !

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m just really at the end of my fucking rope.

I’m sure that some of you have heard it all before, but I’m really tired of taking my husband’s shit all the time.

I feel like I can’t depend on him for anything at all. Almost everything I ask him to do, just never gets done. And if he does do something I ask, it’s done in such a half-assed way that I have to go back and do it again the right way.

An example of this:

I make crafts and I only do a few craft shows a year, this weekend I’ll be at a very big show and I have a lot of items to sell. I decided that I would like a shelf to display them and and a lattace wall, I went the the store and bought the lumber I needed. Husband comes home and asks what I’m doing, after I told him, he said " I’ll do it. " OK, fine. I know he’s not reliable, but I keep hoping something will change.

He did it, yeah, but a real half-assed job. The shelf has only been sanded once, it’s still very rough. I told him that he needed to do it again, but he says I don’t know what I’m talking about.

The shelves are all uneven and there are little screws sticking out of it. But, of course, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

The wall hasn’t been sanded at all. It is supposed to have hinges on it. Husband says the wood it too thin to put the hinges on without some kind of frame or something on it. Fine, but he didn’t put a frame on the wall, instead it’s just 2 little blocks that he put on wrong, so when you open the wall, you see the hinges and the blocks of wood. It looks fucking awful !

I admit that I don’t know much about building, but I asked a woodworker I know about how to do it. When I told the husband what the woodworker said, husband just says “you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

So now, I don’t have anything I can use and I don’t have time to build anything else.

It almost seems like my husband doesn’t want me to succeed in anything or do anything, but wait on him all the time. This kind of shit always happens. I talk to him about it, but it never changes.

When I mention doing something, a job or a hobby or volunteer work, he says I won’t have the time for it.

Sometimes I wonder, why am I still here ? Do I love him or is it just that I’m scared to raise the kids by myself ?

I’m lonely and depressed all the time. He works very long hours and I don’t see him very often. When he’s home, he’s always got other things to do. When I try to talk to him, he falls asleep.

Sorry, if I’m rambling, I really upset right now.

2

Hope springs eternal, I guess.

3

I’m sorry to hear that. I have been in your situation, and my answer was to leave. It was difficult, but I managed. I AM NOT COUNSELLING YOU TO LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND. It was easier in my situation to leave, than it was to stay in a relationship where I was not respected by the one person who was supposed to respect and love me above all others.

Make the changes you need to make yourself happy, and good luck, sweetie.

4

{{dragongirl}}

I really don’t know what else to say … except that you have a right to feel upset about not being supported in the things you want to do. Like Ginger says - when he married you he promised to put you FIRST. Not to take any notice of your needs is a really sucky thing to do.

Does he really not have any clue that this is upsetting to you, or does he just not care? I’m not sure which one is worse…

5

I would recommend some counseling, just because that’s what worked best for my mom. Talking with someone can give you a better perspective on what exactly you want. Joint counseling or family therapy would be an excellent option (hopefully with single counseling on your own as well) if your husband will consider it.

Please, please, PLEASE do not stay together just for your kids if you are miserable. That’s what my mom tried to do, and it really only hurt us in the long run. Even young kids pick up on a bad relationship. I went through some of my old drawings and earliest compositions (early grade school), and I could see my disquiet with the family situation in them as soon as I was able to express myself at all.

Don’t get me wrong – it’s a noble sentiment to sacrifice your happiness for your children. It’s just that I’m sure your children don’t want you to be unhappy, and that they are probably also unhappy if your marriage is bad.

The first step is to talk to your husband about how you feel, and propose steps towards a resolution (not just “I’m upset”, but “we have problems between us, and we need to try marriage counseling to resolve these problems”). If he ignores you, or won’t consider changing, go on your own. If your husband really just doesn’t care that you’re unhappy, and doesn’t want to do anything for you, then maybe you should split up. Those aren’t expressions of love.

6

I think we have dicovered the problem here.

If he’s not worth staying with now, chances are he never will be. If he IS worth staying with, then you’ll have to put up with the shit.

7

For the record, I have not followed any backstory on this.

He sounds like a fuck. Offence absolutely intended (to him, obviously).

Being with somone is supposed to enhance both your lives, that everything is just plain old better because you are doing it with them, or even just cos they are there.

If he isn’t supporting you in what you do, if he is putting you down or holding you back, then he can’t want what is best for you, and (for me at least) that is what love is, wanting the best for the other person.

From my p.o.v. the most important part of what you posted isn’t that he did a shite job on the shelf, but the thing of telling you repeatedly that “you don’t know what you are talking about”.
He will always be your kids dad, but he doesn’t always have to be your husband.

8

Not knowing the backstory, do we know (before we trash the hubby–and I don’t know either) that this isn’t dragongirl’s umpteenth expensive hobby in the last six months? Not to say that it’s not a serious hobby, but we’re missing some information we need to call the husband a flaming asshole.

I know my wife’s been through a “craft” or two in our years of marriage, and after the 5th or 6th $80 “craft” set from Hobby Lobby, I lost a bit of interest in putting my effort into spending money and time backing it up.

dragongirl, this may or may not apply to your situation. I’m merely responding to those who are attacking without a full story.

9

Even if it were, so what? As long as she isn’t demanding that he take part against his wishes, and the financial/time commitments involved are not disproportionately large who cares?

MrsIteki has a whole bunch of interests and passtimes that do nada for me, they have only one saving grace and that is that she enjoys them. This means as long as we still get to spend time together and we can pay the bills, she can do them for as long as she is having fun, and I will participate in any way that makes her happy and isn’t actively a PITA for me, and sometimes even when it is a PITA for me just cos it makes her happy and that makes me happy.

It works both ways, I am the goddamn QUEEN of project-of-the-moment. I get really into something for about 2 weeks and then instantly forget about it. She knows it, I know it, and she shares my enthusiasm every damned time, no matter how insane she thinks my latest idea is. For me thats what being together is about, ymmv, but it saddens me every time I see my friends (and in this case even a perfect stranger) accept less.

10

Okay, first thing: Go to WalMart and buy a bunch of stuff to cover the hinges and ugly parts of your display unit. Raffia, fabric, bows, sheets, whatever it takes…but a lot of it and just keep adding it until all the icky parts are all nice and covered. That will help your stress with your show, hopefully.

Now, have you considered marriage counseling? If not, it’s high time. If he won’t go with you, go by yourself…you deserve a break, and if nothing else, counseling may help you deal with your frustration and concerns, and help you figure out exactly why you’re where you are, and where to go from there.

My situation was somewhat different than yours, but I believe that I had much the same note of desperation when I described my relationship with my husband a couple of years ago. It hasn’t been easy all the time, but counselling has truly been a marriage-saver for us.

Feel free to email or im me anytime, hon.
Best,
karol

11

I’m sure it’s not a newsflash that you’re most likely on the fast track to a divorce. Success in marriage is all about determining what is and is not important and making common sense adjustments to the limitations of one another. Despite his willingness and desire to help fine carpentry and follow through on details is apparently not your husband’s forte, and however it came about letting Mr. “not reliable” take on a project where it was very critical to you to get the details right was a setup for disaster.

When I was married many moons ago my ex had I had worked out a division of labor where part of her responsibilities was taking care of the bills and basic household administration stuff. My ex couldn’t organize her way out of a paper bag and while we were married would let critical dates slip for taking care of all manner of things like school related stuff for the kids, important bills, auto registration updates, scheduling service calls to get things fixed, etc. etc. etc. I was extremely resentful of the fact that she refused to take the time or effort to get this stuff done. It was crazy making and we would get in all sorts of arguments about it, but instead of just re-organizing the household responsibilities and taking care of this stuff myself and getting on with life I worked myself into a self righteous stew about it, and from this precipice of indignation and resentment I had no where to go to make the situation better. I was looking at it from my narrow personal perspective rather than taking the larger view.

Sure, she should have been doing this stuff and maybe she could have been doing this stuff, but in a real world sense it was simply not part of her bag of life skills to keep on top of things. If I had been thinking straight in my marriage and wanted to make things better I would have stopped fuming about her incompetence and betrayal of our “deal” and would have simply taken this stuff over and let her have more time to do stuff she enjoyed whether it was “fair” or not. It would have made for far less stress and acrimony all around.

To a certain degree this is essentially where you currently stand with him in your relationship. You have a husband who has certain life skills but lacks others. If you continue to expect he will change by prodding or your best expectations you are doing a dis-service to both of you and setting the table for a divorce. Like my ex, he is who he is, and in real world terms it is unlikely he will change himself and you certainly cannot change him at this late date. Despite whatever love you feel for him it is evident in your OP that there is an level of acid disdain growing in your critical estimation of who he is and his role as your SO. You need to be realistic and not hopeful/irrational about his capabilities. If there is a way you can love and handle and live with the dis-organized, unreliable person he is then look at that perspective, if not you need to be looking at living on your own.

I get the impression you don’t really understand where he is coming from anymore than he understands where you are coming from. I will wager that he probably thinks working long hours is a necessary and critical part of his role as main breadwinner and you should appreciate him for it instead of giving him grief for not being there, and being disappointed that he is tired all the time or emotionally unavailable because he is unwinding. I did the same thing and I did not understand how unhappy my wife was at the situation. Conversely she had no clue how tired I was unit she started working full 9-5 days on the go 5 –6 days a week and finally told me (after the divorce natch) that she absolutely had no clue how exhausted I was until she began pulling a full time job and finally had some empathy for my position, and I finally realized (after the fact) how pissed off and lonely she was that I was unavailable.

You need to give him a very concrete heads up that this situation is heading to splitsville unless you both come to some accommodation with both parties making an effort to understand the other’s perspective. There needs to be, to some degree, an “Olympian” perspective by both of you as to where you want this marriage to go and the best means to accomplish this. This is an extraordinarily difficult thing to do because we are emotionally invested and wound into justifications for and defense of our personal perspectives.

The real world results of divorce are often a living hell for children. Try your best to make it work. Good Luck!

12

I just wanted to say it’s really not that I have a lot of different hobbies going on that require a lot of cash. I crochet, that’s it. I did try painting once, but I didn’t spend a lot of money on it because I didn’t know how it would go. It was disasterous. I stick with what I know now.

I talked to him, or tried to talk to him, last night. He said that he didn’t finish it becasue it was just too much work. I knew it was going to be a lot of work and that we didn’t have a lot of time, which is why I stared this 3 months ago.

We did talk to a councelor a few times, but his job got in the way pretty quickly. It always does.

I understand why he has to work as hard as he does, but I feel it’s a unfair that his job is always his top priority. As an example, a few years ago, I gave birth to a stillborn son. The day after I was released from the hospital, he returned to work. I asked him, begged and pleaded, cried and yelled for him to take the one day off of work. He didn’t. He said that there was no good reason for him to lose the days pay. He said that I could handle it. I did, but I don’t see why I had to do it alone.

He’s very stubborn, and I’m having a really hard time trying to make him understand things. I think his attitude comes from the way he saw his father do things as he grew up.

I just don’t really know what to do anymore.

13

:eek: :eek: :mad:

If that had been my s.o., he would have been pissing through a tube.

Well, no, not really. But he would certainly be out of the house the next day. My Gods. “I’m sure you can deal with the death of our son… alone. I sure don’t need any time to deal with anything. Grief is fer wimminz.”

Kick his ass to the curb, girl! You don’t need that.

14

dragongirl, wow. I’m stunned. There’s a very serious problem when your husband can’t/won’t stay home for you after such a tragic event.

I don’t know your financial situation so I’m not sure if losing a day’s pay is really such an impact. I also don’t know how your hubby deals with pain. I’d like to say maybe he just couldn’t cope with the loss and needed to get away. I can’t, though. Even if his way of dealing with pain is to immerse himself in something else (in this case, his job) he should have bit the bullet and been there for you.

15

There is also the possibility that he holds an old-fashioned view that is still with us today: The wife and the family exist for the benefit of the man of the house.

From the OP:

He volunteered. Dragongirl didn’t ask him to do it. Then, after mucking it up, he says he didn’t finish it becasue it was just too much work. The materials are ruined and there is no time left to do it right. I smell sabatoge. I think he wanted to discourage future efforts that don’t center on him.

I do cross-stitching, jewelry-making, beading and egg decorating. My husband isn’t really interested in this kind of thing. That being said, my husband goes with me on shopping trips, offers advice when I’m deciding which beads to use or how long the necklace should be, etc.

My husband directs a barbershop chorus. It’s not my my interest. I listen when he talks about what happens at rehearsals, give advice on what he might do about things, help him out with projects and such. We do these things because it makes the other person happy, and that makes us want to do it.

It sounds like Mr. dragongirl doesn’t really care about dragongirl’s feelings, so long as he gets what he wants. I say he needs a 2X4 upside the head! That’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.

16

In my past marriage I also collected a basket of clueless/outrageous/insane “can you top this” actions by my ex that I would periodically look at and offer up for inspection and sympathy by friends if I was feeling particularly aggrieved by something she had done, and I’m sure she had her own basket with respect to my actions. However justified you are in your outrage at his behavior of years past, I will give you the free advice that keeping this collection of injustices fresh and tidy and offering it up as evidence to friends of what a clueless and unfeeling bastard he is will get you nowhere but the divorce court in the end.

Like your husband I was focused on being a good provider and appeals for me to devote more time to the family were not seriously considered because “I knew better” and all the while the situation deteriorated further and further to the point that we were two strangers in the same house. Forget about the shelf. It is irrelevant in the big picture and far more serious immediate issues confront you with respect to the direction your relationship is going. You are obviously contemptuous of his incompetence at a variety of different skills and deem him to be an “unreliable” workaholic (which is sort of a strange combo as workaholics are not generally “unreliable” as such) but I think I understand what you are saying in this context, that domestically and emotionally he cannot be relied on to take care of something for you.

You need to sit him down during a quiet time and tell him calmly and directly that you and he are headed for a divorce him unless things change. I was pissed off beyond belief when my ex did this to me because I was the aggrieved party! She was the unreliable nut! I was stubborn and told her to get a divorce if that’s what she wanted. The reality of the situation did not really hit me until her lawyer served me with papers. Only at that point did it crystallize how far I had let the situation deteriorate and saw the rocky road that lay ahead for everyone, especially the kids.

You’re only going to save this scenario if he can wake up and you can stop being an injustice collector. Otherwise it’s pointless to continue.

17

dragongirl are you reading what you’re posting? To recap:

  1. Husband offered to do something for you, then did not complete because it was too much work.

  2. His job is more important to him than his marriage, as evidenced by how the counseling falters.

  3. I am stunned about the stillborn child. I don’t even know how to respond to such a cold, callous attitude.

I read an earlier post by you, and you are obviously stressed. Your husband does not respect you. Ask yourself these questions: “Is this how I want to teach my children a committed married couple act towards one another? How is my unhappiness affecting how I treat them? If a dear friend shared with me these same stories, how would I react?”

Get out. Get out now. Go home to your parents, move in with a friend, get a job, kick him out, whatever. Tell your husband he has a choice. Either he works on the marriage, or you call an attorney.

You’re letting him treat you like a doormat. Grow a backbone, decide what you will and will not put up with, and decide if he’s worth it. From what you’ve posted, he isn’t.

Trust me, the first step is the hardest. Humans are remarkable adaptable. It’s the first step that’s the killer. Once you’re in the new situation you’ll realize it’s not as scary as you thought it was.

18

My best advice in this situation is to look after yourself before you start talking divorce. By that I mean do things for yourself, by yourself. Make the shelf for yourself. Get yourself a job or volunteer, or whatever interests you. Basically, get yourself a life. I think that may help you in dealing with a disinterested husband. If you end up two strangers living parallel lives in the same house, so be it, but that may be the way it has to be until the kids are old enough to not be shattered by divorce, because they have to be your number one priority (assuming there is no abuse present). And like astro said, try to forget about hoarding hurts and slights, and make sure you’re not subconsciously setting your husband up to fail so you can add to the list of hurts.