I’m tempted to trap and relocate the squirrels, but then I’d have my neighbor saying…“Have you seen Spunky? He disappeared last week, and I’m worried sick! I haven’t seen Squeaky or Stinky in a couple of days either!”
Sssssshhhhh! They’ll hear you and decide that sounds like a good idea!
I tired trapping them when one was getting into the attic.
I caught a raccoon and a possum (strangely enough, the ugliest creature ever let breath has the most teeth) but no squirrels. They did cease entering my attic. Perhaps the tales told by the other animals of durance vile caused them to move their area of operations.
Er, where did you say you live?
And… sig.
Must be annoying cat week.
Hey, cats, you eat at 8 AM and 5 PM. FIVE PM, not 2:30 PM, not 3:00 PM, not 4:00 PM, not 4:30 PM. FIVE PM. I know you can’t tell time, but you should be able to figure out that you’re not getting fed early on the weekends. Running around like a little cat banshee, howling your head off at 2:30 in the afternoon is NOT going to get you fed faster.
To the asshat construction guys this morning - yes, I realize you’ve got half of our parking lot blocked off, but I couldn’t see that until I pulled in. YES, I will be happy to back out and go to the other entrance, but do NOT fucking wave at me impatiently when there are cars coming and I’d prefer to pull out of the lot without HITTING THEM. Yes, that was my finger you saw, and yes, that was my MIDDLE finger you saw. You guys have been a-holes for over a week now, and I’m tired of it. I laughed when you got stuck in the pouring rain yesterday. In the words of Nelson…“Ha-ha!”.
E.
I’m not stupid, I just can’t speak Bulgarian for shit, okay? Yelling doesn’t help, incidentally. You don’t need to point at the TV and say “Frantzia i Italia” when it fucking says “FRANCE” and “ITALY” in ENGLISH on the TV.
Oh, and I don’t want to have this conversation ever again:
Person: do you speak Russian?
Me: no.
P: French?
Me: no.
P: Only English?!?!
Yes, because English, Russian, French, and Bulgarian are the only four languages in the whole world!
To the fucker who parks next to me at my office building - the lines painted on the ground are there for a reason - keep your car within the bloody lines and stop turning what should be a simple exercise into a virtual physical impossibility!
And while I’m at it, stop bending back the wing mirror on my precious barely 3-week old Toyota Yaris every time you try to squeeze your fat @$$ into your heap of sh*t 1970-something Nissan rust-bucket!
Dumb cunt!!!
A neighbor I had a long time ago tried trap/release with squirrels. His wife kept telling them that the same squirrels were coming back again and again, however. to resolve the issue, the very next batch he traps he spray-painted their tails orange. Then he drove them 50+ miles north into the country to let them go.
Not two weeks later, there were squirrels with orange tails in his trees.
What I want to know is, how’d those lil’ bastards learn to hitch-hike…? 
I pit the real estate agents who stuck miniature American flags in the ground by every mailbox in my neighborhood on July 1. Ha ha, such a cute way to advertise (a card was skewered on the dowel of each flag)! Our neighborhood looked really patirotic for the Fourth!
Right. As of today, at least 90% of the flags are still there, having sat out all night for ten nights and in the rain several times. Many are now drooping on the ground. Wow, how patriotic we look now!
(Note I am all for people being allowed to burn, tear, obliterate, or destroy the flag as free speech. But damn it, if you’re going to display it for non-ironic purposes, do it right.)
I need another one.
To all of the ‘experienced’ parents who insist on telling me that I must get the epidural in labor, I must circumcise my son, and I must put him in his crib from the start…kiss my tired, pregnant ass. I’m sick and tired of being told what I must do. I have done my research, and just because you chose these things for your child does not mean I have to choose to them for mine. His father and I will make the decisions related to his care, NOT YOU.
E.
Hey dumbfucks I work in the same building with…
Have you ever noticed that I don’t come over to YOUR office to have a nice chat EVER? We have nothing in common, I have ceased to give a shit about you or anything related to you. I am so goddamn grateful that I, through sheer luck and happenstance have an entire wing of the office to myself. I do NOT want or need you to walk all the way over here to have a chat because I must be lonely! I damn near HATE you.
I know that having a nice chat about the weather is the way some of you check to make sure that I’m working, and I assure you, the day I start letting my work slip is the day I’m out of here through no help of yours. I don’t answer to you. You’re too afraid to even have a “chat” with my boss about anything, no matter how important, so why would I think you’d change that fear to throw me under the bus anyway? I’m sick of being nice to you.
LEAVE ME ALONE. ALL DAY. I DON’T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. EVER. I DON’T CARE.
Oh, Faruiza, if only you could sit next to me! Then we could both shut up and surf the Dope all day long. It would be heaven, I tell you. Unfortunately, I work with the same kind of dumbfucks you do.
Did you send that into Reader’s Digest? Or just lift the idea! I could swear I read the exact same story, only I thought it was about a couch, in Life in These United States.
Dear coworkers. NO! I will NOT offer to pick up lunch for you when I go get my own, no matter how many extremely unsubtle hints you drop. “Oh, you’re going there? I love that place!” Great. Bye. “Oooh, if you decide to go here, you HAVE to tell me!” No, I don’t. Go away.
My lunch is my time. I like to try to forget for a few minutes that I’m stuck at work. Why the hell would I want you sitting there yammering in my ear the whole time? Here’s how it works - if someone offers to get lunch for everybody, then great! They’re obviously a very nice person. And to be fair, I should point out that when people do offer, I usually decline - I don’t pick up your lunch, I don’t expect you to pick up mine, so I’m not obligated. If someone doesn’t offer, trying to weasel your way into getting them to do it is extremely crass.
Converse rant. If the traffic is moving at 70, or 60, or even 30, leaving some car lengths in front of you is just great. But if traffic moves at 5 mph, when it moves at all, leaving enough space for a big rig to comfortably fit between you and the car in front is not helpful. It is also not helpful when you slam on the brakes when you see there is less than 100 feet of clear space in front of you. If you’re going to be an idiot, at least get over to the right lane. if you feel incapable of stopping in that distance in this traffic, you shouldn’t be driving.
The idiot this morning didn’t even have the excuse of chatting on a cellphone and doing a good imitation of DUI.
I’m going to stick this here, because I don’t want to get up the energy to start a full-blown rant.
Asshat salesman: When I send out a polite email to all sales with a few reminders, not pointing out any one person (because most of you have been known to do it), that is not the time for you to send a sarcastic email back. Especially considering I’m a department head and you’re not. Especially considering the thing that you’re harping on was a one time thing, and not even a mistake! You complained when you got the email and not the hardcopy! Hey, stupid, things look different on the computer screen!
You think you can do better than me? Hey, I’m not busy right now, come and try! And I’ll be polite enough not to laugh in your face when you can’t even figure out how to make a circle.
I wish to Og I could reproduce the email here, but that would just be a bad idea.
Oh, and boss, he may be grumpy because he’s not making sales, but there’s this thing called respect and not pissing off a major gear in the machine!
Where in the brightly lit HELL do they come from? Who hires these people??
They certainly ain’t us!
I’m calling you when I get to hire people.
You know what else, Pal?
If I come back with three orders of fires for four people, guess who pays for em?
Me.
Guess who don’t get no fires.
Me.
And screw you guys in traffic.
I got John Coltrane in the CD.
Three fires? Do you get hazard pay for that?
sorry. couldn’t resist
carnivorous, How much does a fire cost? See, 'cause I’d like to order one and have it delivered here. To my office. The building, specifically. I’ll be happy as a boll weevil in a cotton patch to reimburse you fully if you could take care of that. Thanks!