We had a pretty good Christmas, but, as usual, the theme was “more.” My husband and I don’t get too crazy, but we visit a lot of family, and there is just so much stuff everywhere - food, presents, etc. It kinda gets me thinking how we have more than we need, more than is healthy, even, and the vast majority of the world has next to nothing. This idea just upsets me.
We donated to a charity for the homeless this Christmas, and made a couple of food donations for the Food Bank, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. Is there any cure for this kind of feeling, that you have too much?
I don’t have a solution, but I also have the Christmas Guilts.
Mouse_Spouse makes significantly more money than I do. My mother and brother both have financial troubles. I know that my mother was less than thrilled with the gifts we gave them: Visa gift cards. I couldn’t decide between getting something needed or a treat.
If I wanted to, I could give my sibling and our mother very generous gifts, but I decided against it. We’re not a very close family and I fear that any altruistic behavior will open the door to requests for money.
Yeah, I do too. We’re in that weird place where we have more than we need, but at the moment have a cash crunch. We just got married (wedding bills… yikes!), went on a honeymoon, celebrated my birthday, and then had Christmas. Oh and we both moved this year so had moving expenses and both started new jobs. And are both paying off college debts. So there’s not a lot of money left over at the end of the day, but I still feel guilty when I buy nicer food than we really need (i.e. occasional lamb chops or the crab legs we had for Christmas eve) or when I buy more work clothes. I don’t really need that stuff, and I could buy cheaper stuff and send the difference to charity. So why don’t I? I don’t really know.
One thing I do which helps is insist that the kids get rid of old toys in an amount relatively equal to new toys. The old toys are donated, which makes us feel better, and the clutter is kept to a certain level of control. I do the same with clothes, kitchen gadgets, etc.
Another thing I like to do (and it always catches people off guard) is to ask everyone what’s the favorite present they *gave *this year. People genuinely startle and have to think about it, because we’re all focused on what we GOT. I start this conversation around the holiday dinner table and it really refocuses the energy in a positive way. I keep doing it at every social event until New Year’s, and the stories are even better than the favorite thing you got stories.
Finally, be grateful. Say “thank you” a lot. Believe me, I’ve been dirt poor with dollar store presents for my kids, and it wouldn’t have made me feel any better to know you’re feeling guilty. It would make me feel better to know you and your kids had as great a year as mine did and that you genuinely appreciate each other and your material things. I never begrudge people for having what I can’t afford - but I do begrudge it if they seem unconscious of how fortunate and hard-working they are. It’s the carelessness and mindlessness that bothers me, not the stuff itself.
We have several relationships where we donate to charities to honor the person or family, rather than giving gift. The people we do this with seem to be very happy knowing that a hive of bees (Heifer) or a cleft lip operation (Smile Train) has been donated in their honor.
That’s a great idea - we scanned, cleaned up, and framed some old pictures for my mom, and that was hands down the best gift this Christmas, period. Good way of looking at it.
Gratefulness is a very good idea.
Shoshana, a friend of mine gave me a gift of education for two Afghani girls for my birthday, and that was a wonderful gift. I would like to possibly do something like that for my family, but we have a couple of materialists who I think would not care for that at all (they are also some of the people with the most ungodly amounts of stuff).
“Is there any cure for this kind of feeling, that you have too much?”
Yes. Donate a bunch of it and stop doing gift exchanges, period. Do donations to places you want to help instead and if you feel that you still want to give people gifts, give them something nice and thoughtful for their birthday or for no reason. My husband and I started doing this years ago and life is much better and the holiday season is so much more enjoyable. Believe it or not, people will get over it and after a year or two, it’s not even an issue.
In my family, we draw names and put a dollar limit ($25) on the gift. With most of my friends, we take each other out to dinner – the gift of time, instead of stuff. So you can really scale back what you’re doing.
But I don’t think there’s really a solution for the guilts except to plan for them – before the holidays, donate to a charity or adopt a family. When we’ve turned our energy in that direction, it helps.
That’s a great gift! The favorite I gave was an Illinois State sweatshirt to my dad. It’s his 40th Reunion, and he really wanted a shirt like he had back when he was in school - a short sleeved sweatshirt. No one makes a short sleeved university sweatshirt anymore. So I bought a long sleeved one and shortened the sleeves for him. Months he’s been asking (other people, not me) for the shirt, and no one thought to shorten a long sleeved one. He was so happy to finally get his short sleeved sweatshirt!
Oddly, the opposite is true in my family. I put so much time and thought and effort into finding truly cool gifts for people that I have a hard time remembering what I got at all - it just occupied my mind for far less time. So I sort of feel ungrateful, since I can’t remember what it was that anyone got for me. My sister commented about feeling this way, too. I think it will go away as I get a chance to actually use and appreciate my new presents.
I don’t feel so bad this year. I donate when I can, did an “angel tree” gift (for a 6YO boy–that was fun) and helped with an “adopt a family”, as well as doing my normal apheresis (platelet) donation at the blood bank even though I had to schedule it on Saturday morning, which they really needed because of the holidays.
I can’t stop people spending too much on me (I’ve tried with my mom for YEARS, literally–my brother has, too, and she won’t listen.) What I can do is be grateful for what I have, give when I can, and put as much love and other good stuff into the world by my actions as I can.