Anyone feel like giving me family advice?

[Stainz]

They’re family to me in the way that my cousins and aunts & uncles are family. I’m related to them but I don’t know them very well, and none of us have ever made any effort to be close. The odd token “we should get together sometime!” but no-one ever actually makes any plans. This goes for all 3 of us. We’ve never had any animosity, but we’ve also never had any closeness. We’re three strangers whose parents got married to each other.

At our wedding was my dad & his wife, my brother & his wife, and my very best friend, who doubled as the photographer. On the groom’s side were his parents, his sister & her fiancee, and his grandparents. That was it. It was tiny, casual, and exactly what we wanted. I still see nothing wrong with that, and it is not something I will apologize to anyone for. A LOT of people’s feelings were slightly hurt - friends, family, co-workers, etc - but they ALL managed to suck it up and congratulate us and we did not hear a negative word from any of them about the way we chose to celebrate our special day. In fact most of them congratulated us on doing it the way we wanted to, instead of caving to pressure from family & friends to have a big whoop-de-do.

We are planning on having a big fling next spring, to which everyone will be invited. We’ve made this VERY clear since day one of the wedding talks. We wanted the baby to have arrived by then, so everyone could meet him/her, and we wanted lots of time to plan it and make sure it was fun for everyone. The stepsisters have been told all along that they would of course be invited to that bigger celebration.

Since they have never invited me to any type of family gathering, except when one of them got married, I was truly surprised that their feelings were hurt in any way. I really did not think it would matter to them. They have had numerous parties, family dinners etc, and we have not been invited except for once, when we were in town anyway.

I am certainly not going to grovel and beg for anyone’s forgiveness - they have snubbed me SO many times, and I have snubbed them just this once.

However, for the sake of the few family members that I DO care about and like, I will do what I can to smooth this situation over. But I will not say I did something wrong, and I will not apologize.

I WILL tell each of them that I am very sorry their feelings were hurt, and that I thought since we lead such separate lives, that my wedding plans wouldn’t impact them in any way. I will let them know that I would be open to future invitations from them, and that they can expect invitations to future family events from me, and it’s up to them how they respond.

What very few of you seem to understand is that this relationship, like all others, is a 2-way street, and I am not going to go more than halfway down that street to chase people who have consistently and openly snubbed me for 15 years.

[Diogenes_the_Cynic]

@Stainz

Since they have never invited me to any type of family gathering, except when one of them got married, I was truly surprised that their feelings were hurt in any way.

The cluelessness inherent in this statement is staggering…“Well they haven’t invited ME to anything (except a wedding).”

However, for the sake of the few family members that I DO care about and like, I will do what I can to smooth this situation over. But I will not say I did something wrong, and I will not apologize.

I WILL tell each of them that I am very sorry their feelings were hurt

.
Don’t bother, saying “I didn’t do anything wrong but I’m sorry you’re feelings were hurt” is even more insulting than saying nothing. Either offer a genuine apology or don’t say anything at all.

[Campion]

Stainz, you’re okay. I think you’ve got your head screwed on straight.

My one eetsy teeny piece of advice:

@Stainz

I WILL tell each of them that I am very sorry their feelings were hurt, and that I thought since we lead such separate lives, that my wedding plans wouldn’t impact them in any way. I will let them know that I would be open to future invitations from them, and that they can expect invitations to future family events from me, and it’s up to them how they respond.

Given their reaction to not being invited to your small wedding (and, were I you, I would refer to it only as “small” not as “immediate family”), this statement will not mend bridges. I think mending bridges, without seeming desparate, is your goal, because the relationship with them impacts other relationships in your life that you actually do value.

So, my itty bitty advice? Phrase it something like this:

I am sorry that your feelings were hurt; I honestly didn’t realize how you felt about coming to the ceremony (don’t say “my wedding”). My husband and I invited only a few people (don’t say “only family”), because (with the baby coming) we wanted a quick and quiet ceremony without a lot of fuss. I didn’t realize that it would hurt you that I didn’t invite you, and I’m sorry for that (i.e., I’m sorry that you were hurt, not sorry I didn’t invite you). But I hope that you’ll come to our wedding celebration next year, after the baby has come.

Hopefully this will help mend fences, and yes, they’ve snubbed you in the past, but if you feel it’s important to you to mend fences with them (I express no opinion on this point), then minor tweaking in the phrasing is called for, in my opinion.

Finally, I totally get you. My aunt married late in life to a man with a son from his first marriage. I’ve met the kid maybe twice; really, he’s nothing to me. But he’s the same age as my little brother, and the two of them spent every summer together on family camping trips for about eight years. So the kid is my brother’s cousin, and when he and his partner held their commitment ceremony, the kid invited my brother (and my parents) but not me. Was I offended? Hell, no. And I sent a gift anyway. Two crazy kids starting out life together? They need all the food processors they can get.

[Stainz]

Thank you Campion - your advice is great and I appreciate your not judging me.

Your phrasing is WAYYY better than mine, and I will probably use it verbatim.

S.