Anyone here grow up with an abusive father?

[Nava]

Hell, my dad spent years being traumatized by having arrived home one day to discover that his 14-year old had changed that lock which had been cranky for months…

his 14-year old daughter, that is. As I put it “well, Dad, you’re an accountant. I figured, anything you can do with tools, I can.”

It’s been 35 years and no toolbox has bitten me yet.

[adaher]

My father was a drug addict who spent most of my childhood in jail before dying when I was 19. I was raised instead by my grandfather, who was a good man, if not the cuddly lovey type. I had no female influence to speak of, his wife, my grandmother, was sick and died when I was 10 and had little involvement in my upbringing. And although my grandfather was a good example to me, I learned little from him about life other than “be good”. By the time I was 16 he was suffering from dementia.

I think most people have something missing or something negative that keeps them from being a fully well rounded person. Working through all that is part of becoming an adult. You never fully succeed, but you make progress. We’re all a little broken.

[Theodore_Striker]

@Reddy_Mercury

I just wanted to share my story.

I’m 26. My father has been addicted to prescription medications since I was about 11 or 12. He quit working when I was 12 turning 13. After that, his prescription drug use (on drugs such as Oxycontin, Xanax, Klopin, Soma, and other pills escalated rapidly. He would get hit at first every couple of months, then every other month, then within a short span it became every month. When I was in Junior High School, he would call me every name in the book and verbally put me down, do everything he could to ruin my self esteem. He treated me like I was a thing with no feelings (He even said I had no feelings once, point blank, when I was about 12). He would sometimes get physical.

He never did any fatherly things with me. He never taught me how to play catch. He never watched sports. He never hung out with guy friends. He only had one guy friend who would come over once in a blue moon. He never taught me how to fix a house or change a tire.

Every Holiday, every special occasion, was turned to shit. Every Christmas my mother and I would have to leave the house because of his behavior.

At the same time, anything I DID do was never good enough. I was a B- to C student in Junior High School. The verbal abuse when a poor report card would come home was unbearable. I was made to feel like the biggest scumbag on Earth because of a C. I did in the 90th percentile on the TACHS test, SATs and other state exams and that wasn’t good enough. My first year of High School, I had an 84 average. I was a huge scumbag for that. Meanwhile, he dropped out of High School. The more he cursed at me and belittled me, the more my grades dropped, and the worse it got. I went from being a solid B student to a solid C student by High School’s end. I graduated. I didn’t bother going to the ceremony because I didn’t want to deal with him embarrassing me like he did at my 8th grade ceremony.

I wanted to work at age 15 and I was told no, I wasn’t allowed to in High School, because ‘school was my job’. Now at 26 I don’t have a great work history and I feel trapped.

No matter what I did, from age 11 on, I was the bad guy. I was the scumbag. Piece of shit. Pussy. Punk bastard.

I never got arrested. By the time he was 18, he had been in the Rockefeller Drug Problem and would amass several arrests that, through luck, never resulted in prison time. Arrests in 1973, 1975, 1978, twice in 1984, once in 1993 and once in 1998. And my mother protected him from times he could’ve gotten arrested for being drunk or violent or such after they got married. I never once came home drunk in my teenage years. I actually never even GOT drunk in my teenage years. Because I wanted to be good. I missed out on having wild teen times because I wanted to be good. I don’t even do drugs now.

Anyone else have a similar experience? What should I do now? How should I feel? I feel like in some ways, I never had a father. I still don’t know how to handyman shit. I was never prepared to be in the role I am because I was never taught.

Reddy… first of all, you are not alone. My father was a real shitbag as well, verbally and physically abusive, bipolar, philandering, most likely a sex addict, and an overall shitty person who is a lifetime abuser of himself and others. Whether you realize it or not, he has controlled your life, and I am guessing that you are coming to this realization, and it has you a bit freaked because you don’t know how to be your own person.

How should you feel? You can feel however the hell you want. If you’re angry, that’s fine. If you’re disappointed, valid. Lost, lonely, damaged, etc? All valid. No can can tell you what you SHOULD be feeling. How those feelings manifest can be the tricky part. Unfortunately, for many of us who have suffered childhood abuse, feelings may manifest as addictions, failure to control emotions and impulses, etc… our brains have been re-programmed to deal with things differently.

You also need to determine what your expectations of a father are. If you believe media/ sitcom world, fathers are supposed to be handy, with facial hair, reasonably overweight, enjoy beer, sports, grilled meat, and thin women. Don’t compare yourself to this, it’s a waste of time. Determine what kind of person that you would like to be, the values that you hold dear… and then build your life around that. Show love in the best way you can to your sig other and children. be caring. be honest. Don’t worry about being the stereotypical American father- be who you are. A lot of stuff will just fall into place from there.

As far as practical matters (handyman shit, learning how to grill a steak properly, or just about anything you want to do), the internet is a wonderful place. So are other guys you may know. So are support groups that exist for people who have been abused. Ask the question, ask for help… there is no shame in it (though you probably feel there is).

Lastly… get some professional psychological help. It is tough to solve the problems your upbringing has caused on your own. Someone who is trained in how to help people that have had suffered abuse can help tremendously with this. This can take years, and that’s ok. Hang in there friend.

[Skywatcher]

Mine was of the “I’ll give you something to cry about!” and “Hit him to get his attention!” school of parenting. He pretty much got the former out of his system by the time I came along. He was a good guy otherwise.

I have a brother 10 years older than me, he was the instigator of abuse. Until I tried to put his head through a wall when I was 18.

[HoneyBadgerDC]

Funny how some kids were only beat a few times yet harbored huge resentments while others were beat hard and often and resentment wasn’t even an issue. Nothing to forgive. We percieved ourselves as getting beat because we did something wrong and made no association to a father being mean or hateful. I can’t count how many times I have been beat with belts and boards and anything else. All was good within an hour or so and I usually learned my lesson about at least that particular issue.

[Lemur866]

It’s silly to be upset that your dad never taught you to remodel a bedroom. Lots of people have loving and nurturing parents who don’t know the first thing about construction, and they’re fine.

So forget that. If it really is important to you to be handy with a toolbox, then learn how. You’re 26, you can learn. Either just do projects yourself for your own amusement and teach yourself, or you could, I guess get a job in the trades and work your way up.

But what’s the point of that? Is it something you really want to do? In which case, dive in, teach yourself or get that job on the bottom rung of the trades. If all you do is show up on time and sober and keep your eyes and ears open and bust your ass you’ll be ahead of 95% of your co-workers.

Or is it more that’s just one more thing your dad never did for you? Because I can’t work on a car or remodel a bedroom any more than you can. I could do such things if I put in the effort to learn, but I’d rather do other stuff, so if I need my car fixed I take it to the mechanic, and pay the money to get it fixed. But being able to work on cars is not symbolic to me. Sometimes I idly wish I was more of a handyman, but that’s just idle fantasy, like becoming a famous musician or quitting my job to hike across America. I could do it if I wanted to, but it turns out I don’t actually want to, not enough to actually do it.

So do you actually care, or do you just wish your dad wasn’t abusive? Because if it’s the second, learning to hang drywall (which you could do in a month or two) isn’t going to fill the, you know, holes in your soul. And then you’ll be all “I can remodel a bedroom and replace an engine but I’m still miserable!” Or maybe that’s exactly what you need to shut your old man up, and be done with him.

Either way, figure out what kind of a job you’d be good at, and do that, and use the money you make from that job to take care of the other needs in your life. At 26 a spotty employment history is completely standard. But now you need to start pulling yourself together and figure out what kind of career you could have. Not that you need to start that job tomorrow, but you have to put yourself on a path to that job tomorrow.

Oh, and fire your mom’s doctor. You aren’t stuck with them just because when you were a kid your mom sent you there. If you really need medication find a doctor who can help you, if you don’t find then find a doctor who can help you detox.