Anyone here grow up with an abusive father?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I just wanted to share my story.

I’m 26. My father has been addicted to prescription medications since I was about 11 or 12. He quit working when I was 12 turning 13. After that, his prescription drug use (on drugs such as Oxycontin, Xanax, Klopin, Soma, and other pills escalated rapidly. He would get hit at first every couple of months, then every other month, then within a short span it became every month. When I was in Junior High School, he would call me every name in the book and verbally put me down, do everything he could to ruin my self esteem. He treated me like I was a thing with no feelings (He even said I had no feelings once, point blank, when I was about 12). He would sometimes get physical.

He never did any fatherly things with me. He never taught me how to play catch. He never watched sports. He never hung out with guy friends. He only had one guy friend who would come over once in a blue moon. He never taught me how to fix a house or change a tire.

Every Holiday, every special occasion, was turned to shit. Every Christmas my mother and I would have to leave the house because of his behavior.

At the same time, anything I DID do was never good enough. I was a B- to C student in Junior High School. The verbal abuse when a poor report card would come home was unbearable. I was made to feel like the biggest scumbag on Earth because of a C. I did in the 90th percentile on the TACHS test, SATs and other state exams and that wasn’t good enough. My first year of High School, I had an 84 average. I was a huge scumbag for that. Meanwhile, he dropped out of High School. The more he cursed at me and belittled me, the more my grades dropped, and the worse it got. I went from being a solid B student to a solid C student by High School’s end. I graduated. I didn’t bother going to the ceremony because I didn’t want to deal with him embarrassing me like he did at my 8th grade ceremony.

I wanted to work at age 15 and I was told no, I wasn’t allowed to in High School, because ‘school was my job’. Now at 26 I don’t have a great work history and I feel trapped.

No matter what I did, from age 11 on, I was the bad guy. I was the scumbag. Piece of shit. Pussy. Punk bastard.

I never got arrested. By the time he was 18, he had been in the Rockefeller Drug Problem and would amass several arrests that, through luck, never resulted in prison time. Arrests in 1973, 1975, 1978, twice in 1984, once in 1993 and once in 1998. And my mother protected him from times he could’ve gotten arrested for being drunk or violent or such after they got married. I never once came home drunk in my teenage years. I actually never even GOT drunk in my teenage years. Because I wanted to be good. I missed out on having wild teen times because I wanted to be good. I don’t even do drugs now.

Anyone else have a similar experience? What should I do now? How should I feel? I feel like in some ways, I never had a father. I still don’t know how to handyman shit. I was never prepared to be in the role I am because I was never taught.

2

First off, try to explain what you need that you don’t have. Would you like a third-party take on the difference between right and wrong? Further inspiration to help you avoid substance abuse? How to celebrate a holiday calmly with family and friends? How to keep your family at a distance while you think about things? How to feel better about your grades?

You seem to have a pretty good bead on whom you want to blame for your problems. Maybe you’re right. But I can’t see how any answer that helps you in that direction helps you answer any of the questions you’re asking.

Does Be polite, be honest, work hard, do anything for you?

3

My father was never physically abusive but he treated me with contempt. Like you, nothing I did was ever good enough or praiseworthy. He was a stern, distant, patriarch. I written enough about him in other threads to leave it there.

4

I suppose I just want to be understood, and I wish I could fill the void of a father. How to rebuild myself as a person and as a man without any model on how to be such. In a way, given he would spend every month high, it’s kind of like I never had a father. I’m confident in my masculinity in the sexual sense, but not in being a “man.” The guy who will someday have a wife and child hopefully. How can I go about teaching a child the things I was never taught? Am I too old to play catch up and teach myself all the things I should’ve been?

5

Condolences to you on your upbringing. no one should have that. You were never taught the basics about how to live an adult life.

That handyman shit. You can learn that pretty fast. Not widely known but skilled positions in the construction trades pay well and there is a shortage of people willing to do the work these days. if that is of interest to you find work as a laborer and learn it from the ground up. Will take a lot of hard work but those companies are looking for people who are willing to learn the trades.

Another time worn choice that works is to go into the military. They need electricians and other skilled trades big time and will teach you in their schools. Think of the Navy when those ships are out to sea the capability to fix and repair things has to be on board.

If your thinking there is an easy way out, there isn’t one.

Your path will not be easy but you can do it. Half the issue is to understand how you got to where you are now and I read you have that awareness. Now it will be hard work to come out of it.

You can do this. Good luck.

6

Quoted for truth. You can do this…but it’s gonna be a hella lot of work.

My paw was physically abusive, and did a lot of permanent harm to me. So it goes. (My mother once said to him, “You’ve murdered my grandchildren.” Kinda yep. No chance in hell I would ever be a parent, given the horrid role-model I had in him.)

You’re actually at a very good age for self-re-dedication and re-definition. You’re old enough to choose what kind of man you want to be, and you have the resources to re-invent yourself effectively. I urge you to put “kindness” high on the list of qualifications you want in yourself, because that’s a gift that repays itself over and over and over. If you’re a kind person, people will be good to you. Few investments are as precious.

7

A side question is:
Am I too old, you think, to change my name in full? I kind of want to divest myself of the person my father was by also abandoning the name he gave me. My worry is that potential employers will think I’m shady.

Military is out of the question. I am on Xanax (though I am tapering off of it) and have been since 2010. I was put on it for “Anxiety” which turned out to be actually severe vestibular dysfunction of the inner ear. It was a good way to shut me up. My mother’s doctor is also her friend, and he became my doctor, and he doesn’t ask questions. I was suffering from physical issues related to the inner ear infection, and even without a psychological assessment, he put me on 4mg of Xanax a day. I don’t think they’d take me, even though I never truly had anxiety disorder.

8

Would I be able to learn stuff like for example how to build a wall in a house, how to build a closet? My grandfather, I am told, knocked down walls in the house he and my grandmother built and built new ones and also built walk-in closets. Could I learn that sort of stuff?

9

Of course. Not the 1st day, nor the 1st week, nor the 1st month but yes you will. Remember the point about hard work to get there however you can do it. Here are a few pointers for construction.

Understand your going to start at the bottom. At first you’re going to be hauling shit from one place to another and through the mud and dirt. Get some steel toed construction boots, and gloves as you will need them. In construction you provide your own hand tools. To start with all you will need is a hammer and a belt holder for it. When you get to the point to have to get more tools you will know what to get.

Also bring food for mid morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. Water should be provided at the job site. Stay watered.

Expect to be the brunt of jokes and comments till you prove your worth. When they come just smile and laugh at yourself with the group and shut your mouth, shut your mouth, shut your mouth. Don’t reply back, again just laugh along with the group and smile as you do it. They are looking to get your goat and a rise out of you. Don’t rise to the bait. After a few weeks and you have shown them your along with it that will die down and it will turn into job site banter.

Don’t refuse any job, unless you feel in danger of harm due to your lack of knowledge. If that comes about explain why your uncomfortable.

Watch, watch, watch all that is going on at the job site. This for two reasons. First be aware of everything around you for safety. The more important is to see and observe how it all occurs. Watch what happens 1st, then 2nd, then 3rd, etc. It will all seem like chaos to you at first but there is an organization and order to it. You will need to learn that.

If your asked to work overtime, don’t hesitate to say yes.

When the day is done go home, eat and then get some sleep. 1st day your going to be exhausted and you will be doing the same the 2nd day. Your muscles will hurt but stick with it. About week 3 in you will be in shape. Do not drink. Coming to work on a bender or hung over will not help you at all.

Also remember this. They are all kinds of people out there to haul shit around. However finding people who can be called upon to take a task and get it done are hard to find. Watch the foreman and Super of the job site. It is not an easy job, so make their job easier by being dependable help to them. They will notice and that is the way you will move up.

Finally I will give you a piece of advice I learned from my father. “If your 5 minutes early your late”. What it means is be on time. Applies to everything. Good luck.

10

I know there are folks on the board with abusive parents. I won’t share a lot of details but I am one. I guess I’m 20 years or so further down the road than you are.

You can do what you want and be what you want. It will take work. I finished college on time, but it took me until fairly recently before I was comfortable going toe to toe with male colleagues in a business setting. I just preferred not to be noticed.

I never went to counseling. I wish I had done it while the abuse was still messing up my life rather than stubbornly trying to plow through it on my own. It sounds like the abuse is actively impacting your life. You might consider finding a counselor and talking through some of this with someone.

11

I never felt abused but my father would beat the living shit out of us. Break boards over our backs, beat us with tree branches garden hoses belts sometimes even fists when we got older. But we were pretty honoree kids and keeping us inline wasn’t easy. he never beat us out of pure anger, he always had a good reason.

12

If you’re in the US, I think Americorpscould do you a lot of good in several ways; you get paid a stipend, room and board while working on a project w/ others and potentially w/ a mentor.
Strange as this may sound to your ears, you’re going to have to decide what you want in a dad and then simply be that dad to yourself; you are your own guinea pig for when you decide to have kids. But one thing’s for sure - you need to move forward, not have your feet stuck facing the past. This may be a challenge since your mom’s still in your life and she’s enabled your dad before; my mom is the same way, my father has been a functioning alcoholic since his early teens and should have been in jail for DUI, etc a dozen times but for her efforts. She always reasoned we were better off w/o him in jail but in the long run she was devastatingly wrong and showed a terrible example to my bro and I.

13

My father grew up in sn absolutely horrific environment. His mother was deaf and couldn’t talk. She was paranoid as well. His father abandoned the family when he was five or six, leaving his unemployable mother, him and his two younger sisters to move into an unfinished shed behind his grandfather’s place. They somehow survived and the grandfather got a couple more victims for his sexual appetite. His cousin failed to kill him a couple of times.

One doesn’t escape unscathed from a place like that, and he was predictably crazy. My mother said the he expected us kids, as toddlers to have greater emotional control that what he had.

The randomness of the terror was the part which probably caused the most damage. Two siblings simply didn’t survive intact.

I had the opposite problem with grades. I was too good and had a 3.9 in middle school. I guess it showed him up for some reason and he beat the “pride” out of me. I lowered my grades in high school, just for survival , and getting a 3.0 was much more acceptable.

My mother was really good to us when we were babies (other than staying with a man she was afraid would kill her kids) but checked out of our lives after we got into school. Once my younger brother was in first grade her depression grew, eventually almost completely swallowing her.

While you may feel old, you still are young. You have plenty of time to turn things around.

It sucks and is unfair and all that, but dwelling on the negative just doesn’t help.

You have to find a way through.

14

I’ve spoken of my father and his abusive anger in other threads, and I don’t have to energy to go into it here. But just remember that it may be his fault that you are the way you are, but it’s your own fault if you stay that way. Any change is possible, and there’s nothing preventing you from learning the things he didn’t teach you… and unlearning the negative things.

15

I just wanted to chime in and say that **Nawth Chucka’s **advice is pretty solid. However, you only get room and board with a few projects so it’s not a given (you’re unfortunately a couple of years too old for the biggest one, NCCC). I was also not allowed to work during high school, but because my “job” was to look after my little brother rather than an issue of grades, and I did AmeriCorpsVISTA the year after college. It was a great learning experience, and looks good on a resume. Oh, and if you do AmeriCorps rather than AmeriCorpsVISTA you’re allowed to take a second job.

16

I’m not sure what the requirements are for Peace Corps. You could look into that. You would learn skills and gain experience that looks good on the resume.

17

Why wouldn’t you be able to? Given that your spelling and grammar are ok, you seem to have at least normal levels of intelligence. That’s stuff which takes a few minutes to learn the basics and months to master, for people of normal intelligence.

Lots of people worldwide have bad work histories at 27. And no, it’s also not too late for a name change. You’re starting from a worse spot than many, but be careful not to become your own worst enemy.

18

My father was an authoritarian who whipped me with a belt once. It took years but I finally forgave him when I realized I probably deserved it.

19

You need a Bachelor’s in any field.

20

This. Tons of people weren’t taught how to build a wall, how to catch ball, and so on (to begin with, almost all women) and they do perfectly well. If you need to fix your closet, you learn by trying, or you ask a friend/coworker/whatever for advice, or you look up on the internet, or you pay someone to do it. And you certainly don’t need to have learned that to raise children. To begin with, your children might have exactly zero interest in learning how to build a wall, even if you knew and wanted to teach them.

Basically, I don’t really see what the problem is. And I understand even less why people would advise the OP to join the army, or the peace corps, or whatever simply because his father didn’t teach him some skills that the OP seems to assume (wrongly) that everybody has learned from their father during their teenage years (I bet that a lot of us actively fled any attempt at being taught something by our fathers when we were teens). I believe that from this point of view, the OP believes he’s lacking something important and necessary when he really doesn’t.