Anyone use an Au Pair?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So I have these two darling children and my wife desperately wants to return to her job. I on the other hand have been a stay at home dad for a year now, but recieved the offer of a lifetime just yesterday. I want to accept it. But childcare is an issue. First, its obscenely expensive.
Second, we don’t want our kids in one of those giant kid storage places like Kindercare, etc.
Third, we work some odd hours, my wife is in social services and I’m in the restaurant biz. We’d like to have some help available on weekends, if I’m working so the wife isn’t trapped at home by herself. This was really an issue with our first, and we fear it will be worse with 2.

So I was researching alternative means of childcare. The Au Pair service I found tells me that weekly costs of an Au Pair are less than $300 plus we have to house and feed this person. Ok, cool, daycare would be around $1600 per kid. We have a 3 bedroom, and the wee one is in our room for the time being. I suppose they could share at some point, but that would only last so long as we have one of each. The hardest part for me is that we only have one bathroom. That’s my problem. However, it would be cheaper to move into a bigger place and have an Au Pair, than stay where we are and do Daycare.

But I worry about qualifications, training, and general craziness of inviting a perfect stranger to come live with me and be part of my family. So, anyone done this before? Any thoughts?

2

Basically, like any other employee you might hire, it is a hit or miss situation.

You might luck out and find the sweetest, kid-friendly, experienced person there is. Or you might get someone who wants a ticket to come to the US, hates kids and only wants to find a spouse and party whenever possible in the meantime.

The idea is good, but be sure you find a reputable agency, check on their policy (should you hire a flake or there are problems and it doesn’t work out). Plus there is the added adventure of having another person live with you…language problems, their culture, their habits, their expectations…and simply having another (young) adult join the household can create problems you haven’t even considered. Having only one bathroom in the house is already a big problem, and I would be surprised if they even allow that to happen.

You might try looking locally first - perhaps an elderly woman from the neighborhood who needs some steady income and is reliable? Ask around, you might be surprised…maybe somebody has an aunt or grandparent that would be ideal and could use the money and is good with kids. Then again, same risks - who knows if sweet little old lady likes her wine and watches Oprah while the kids are playing with the cigarette lighters in the bedroom?

I don’t envy you…there are a lot of things to consider. Day care might be pricey, but at least they are regulated by local laws and have insurance, etc etc.

3

Please tell me daycare isn’t $1600 per kid per week…! I know prices have gone up since my baby first went to day care and it was $60/week, but I sure hope that’s a monthly number you quote (altho even then - dang!!)

I was going to suggest finding a privately-run daycare - we went that route and were very pleased - but that doesn’t solve the weekend requirements. We were always fortunate enough to find sitters when we needed them, but it wasn’t a frequent thing.

I’ve never known anyone with Au Pair experience, so all I can offer is research, research, research. You will, in effect, be adding a family member, sorta.

Good luck to you. If it’s any consolation, it gets easier when they get into school.

4

I’ve never had an Au Pair but I’ve been one and have quite a few friends and relatives who’ve been one, does it count?

No qualifications other than “willing to do the job”. Both au pair and family are given information on the other part; both parts can and should indicate things like “I’m a vegetarian” or “we’re Orthodox Jews”. Both parts can and should indicate how far are they willing to expand their horizons: ok, you’re a vegetarian; are you willing to live with a family that’s not, so long as reasonable accomodations are made for your own diet? And otoh, you’re a “will eat anything that used to be alive” family: are you willing to take someone with dietary restrictions? Are you willing to take someone with dietary restrictions for medical reasons, but not for ethical or religious ones?

The Au Pair isn’t just a worker. She/he is a student in your country; the only programs I know where the Au Pair wouldn’t expect to go to classes at all are summer programs. You’re his/her parents as much as the parents of your own kids. It’s not a worker: it’s a temporary big sibling. This may or may not be full-time; many au pairs have graduated high school back home already.

Many Au Pairs are sweet girls and so forth but young enough to think that toilet paper rolls get there on their own. Some know how to change diapers, but not all.

My best advice, fish around for several agencies and choose one based on price+services, not just price. Both you and the au pair should be able to ask for a “replacement”; I know you’d rather avoid it, but the worst horror stories I’ve heard were always with agencies that wouldn’t re-place (or, if the family asked for a re-place, would send the au pair back home whatever the reason for the request had been).

5

Sure, I could use one.

6

I recently joined the ranks of needing childcare. Our situation is that we only needed care ONE day a week, however, my job is dependent on getting care for that day. (We are unable to switch shifts, another issue)

I looked at all sorts of alternatives, I finally fell into the lap of a woman who just needs some extra cash and has a bit of a Barney obsession. One day a week works for her, it gives her pocket money and I don’t have to pay for a whole week when I only need one day.

The down side is that I pay her $10 an hour. So calling her because I want to get my nails done or do errands pretty much negates any convenience factor. If there is any suggestion I would give to you, figure out how many days you need someone and then add a day. Give you or your wife one kid free day where you can do non-kid friendly things.

I’m still searching for an answer to our dilemma. Us having one car at this time puts a serious crimp on me since most days, unless I want to wake me AND the baby up early (I work nights) and drive my husband to work, then schlep around all day loading and unloading the baby, I end up trapped at home.

I honestly don’t know what I would do if I had even a half a day to myself, to do what I wanted, where I wanted, without all the logistical nightmares I experience.

Don’t just look for the bare minimum. A single bathroom is a nightmare for 4 people, even worse for 5. How about adding an in-law suite? It might be cheaper in time and money than moving, it would be handy for guests, would be a good place to escape and if you needed overnight sitter and if you found you needed to go the au pair route, you would be set.

There are tons of college students in teaching/nursing paths that look for those types of positions and you don’t have to worry about the whole green card thing.

7

Sorry, can’t have just one - they only come in pairs… :stuck_out_tongue:

8

Here’s a lead on one. I understand she’s available…

Sorry, couldn’t resist.

9

My wife and I are on our 3rd au pair in 2 years. I’m a very big fan. We both work close to full time, so the au pair takes care of the children during the hours we are away. It is very nice to have the flexibility of live-in child care. If a kid is sick, or sleeping late, or whatever, schedules are very easy to adjust.

We are fortunate that we have in in-law suite in the basement, so the au pair has her own bathroom and kitchenette. We are happy if she wants to hang out with us, but its not necessary. It is sometimes to tough for the girls to both live and work in the same place, so we try to give her enough stuff of her own. She has her own TV and DVD player, and her own computer. In fact, that is the first thing we tell anyone getting an au pair – invest in high-speed internet access and get her her own computer. Many many potential problems are avoided thusly.

There are a number of “hidden” costs. In addition to the agency fees and the au pairs stipend we pay $500 a year for her education expenses, plus auto insurance, gas, food, water, birthday and christmas presents, and on and on. We were a one-car family pre au pair, but the second car probably would have been needed no matter what we did.

We’ve never had any real communication problems. The first girl was Canadian, so her English was fine. Our current au pair is from Namibia, where English is the national language, so hers is quite fluent. The middle girl was from Thailand and her English was spotty to begin with but improved rapidly. Plus she had no qualms about asking for clarifiaction if she didn’t understand something.

All three of them have been absolutely devoted to the kids. No problems there. All of them have been a bit older (24 or 25) so they’re more used to some independence and need less “parenting” from my wife and I.

Having good agency is vital. The Canadian pulled the plug on us after only 7 months and our agency had to work hard to get us a replacement on a timely basis. We have been pretty happy with them. Let me know if you have any specific questions or there is anything else yuo’d like to know.

10

She’s only available if you need her, but don’t want her… :smiley:

11

Piping in against daycare or au pair.

Put off your opportunity until the kids are of nursery school age. It is no time at all for you but could make all the difference to them.

My husband stayed home with our daughter and the piece of mind was worth any job in the world.

Just sayin…

12

I don’t want to derail this thread, but I have to ask – would you also recommend against some other family member, such as an aunt or grandparent, helping out?

13

I second that…the kidlets need you or your wife, not some stranger who will never love them as much as you or your wife.

To answer Emilio, no I’m not against another family member helping out.

14

My husband’s aunt and uncle had an Irish au pair for a few years. She’s stayed close to the family, even though the kids are now in high school. The experience seems to have been very good for all involved.

Something to keep in mind, though–you’re inviting a stranger to live with you. That would be a dealbreaker for me. Home is my retreat where I get to relax and be myself with my nearest and dearest. And not only is she a stranger, she’s an employee. I know lots of people are happy with such arrangements, but the thought just bothers me.

15

I don’t think true love and quality care are synonymous. Loving and well-intended parents do stupid or misinformed things all the time. Furthermore, I never leave my kids with strangers. That would be a little spooky. I know everyone that cares for them down to every last day-care worker.

I know for a fact that if my wife and I switched off caring for our two daughter, 4 and 2 months, the results wouldn’t be as good as putting them in daycare some of the time. Their daycare facility is stellar and I have never seen one thing that made me hesitate dropping them off as opposed to keeping them at home. I know I can’t take as good a care of them one a daily basis as a whole team of experienced, caring people that are also closely monitored. We get a detailed report card for both every single day and also a full writeup in the case of a rare incident (such as hitting from another child). In addition, it exposes them to other kids and germs (a very good thing in my book). My older daughter has always loved being there and I can’t really see any room for improvement that we can add. They only go 8 hours 3 days a week. That is a total of 24 hours out of 168 hours in the week or 14% of the week. I don’t think they will forget who their parents are.

16

I used to be an au pair.

Keep in mind that an au pair didn’t choose that job the same way most Americans choose their jobs.

She chose it because it was the only way she could legally come to the US.

That doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll do a bad job, but it also doesn’t necessarily mean she’ll enjoy what she’s doing.

17

Wow! Good point.

I have friends that are going through the same thing and trying to make the same decision. $300+ vs $1,600 is a HUGE difference. So big that it really makes you wonder.

Do they have any sort of references you could check outside of the agency? Have they ever cared for children before?

Beckiemoriello, did you ever feel sort of trapped? Did you like the families you were with? Did they expect a lot from you?

18

I worked for 2 families.

Family 1: Nice people. Bad pay. Huge language barrier w/ kids (not parents). For such little money, my expectation was to watch the kids, ie. make sure they didn’t kill each other/break anything/etc. while I read a book and glanced up periodically. When one kid told me to stop reading, I put the book away for good and gave playing with them the old college try. We made some progress, but I soon quit when I realized that I was working full time, yet not even making enough money to live without dipping into my savings. There was also miscommunication about meals (which probably could have been resolved if I’d pressed the issue).

Family 2: Nice, rich people. Outstanding pay. Almost no language barrier. I got along great with the 3yo girl. We played dolls. The 6 and 8 year old boys were wild (normal kids), and since the house was gigantic, they could get into trouble anywhere. It was exhausting. The worst part was that I was expected to play outside with them, in the winter in Germany, and it was FREEZING! I hated it. Plus the kids didn’t usually listen to me when I told them to get in the bath (or, paradoxically, when I told them to get out of the bath). I tolerated it because of the money. Was laid off because the family found someone who was willing to stay longer, but the 2 of us worked simultaneously (and exchanging shifts) for a month so she could get acclimated.

During that time, I had a breakdown of sorts where I suddenly started crying in the kitchen because I was “no good at this job.” I wasn’t. Despite trying, I’m not maternal. The new girl was. We’d become friends- I wasn’t jealous or anything. It was just that I’m currently a law student with an MA and playing housewife wasn’t fulfilling. I always think about this when I see immigrants working intellectually non-stimulating jobs.

I never felt trapped, because fortunately I could leave without being deported or homeless. I knew a lot of au pairs. It frequently didn’t work out. IMO, as with living with new roommates, it mostly boils down to Communication and recognizing that other ways of doing things aren’t necessarily wrong, just different. Which doesn’t mean you have to accept those other ways from this person staying in your house, but kindly explain that your house may be different from what she’s used to.

Oh, for example, Family 1 had unfinished wood countertops in the bathroom and kitchen! We had to keep everything super dry! Unbelievably annoying. Also, they only had a bath- no shower. I couldn’t get used to it. And the house was freezing and once the dad came home, left his jacket on, then said the house was hot and opened the front door. While I’m shivering. Sigh… memories…

19

Thanks for the information, Beckiemoriello.

It seems like the au pairs could be taken advantage of and they’re so far from home it’s sort of worrysome. I guess if it does work out for both, it’s a win/win.

The people I know that are considering this have money to pay for childcare but they’re trying to do it in the cheapest possible way. I know this isn’t the case with everyone and certainly not with the OP. But my friends buy ‘the best’ when it comes to cars, their own clothes, furniture, etc. and then they try to save money on the person taking care of their kids. You’d think it would be the reverse.

They’re planning a cruise and bragging about all the money they will be saving by using an Au Pair. And she’s the type of person I can really see taking advantage of someone.

20

That is not true in my experience. First, under the visa rules the girls can stay in the USA for a second year, either continuing as Au Pairs or going to school. A girl who wanted to come to the US would presumably chose the latter option, and either work illegaly or drop off the radar. In fact, I have never known an au pair who didn’t either go back after her year was up or stay with the same family because she loved the kids so much.

In addition I’ve met plenty of au pairs from places like Scotland, Austria, Germany, Australia, New Zeland and the like. Hell, our first au pair was from Canada! This was clearly not her one shot at coming to America.

The agency we use does provides us with 15 - 20 pages of info on each of the girls, including biographical data, a 2 - 3 page essay, interviews with references, notes on interviews with the girls, photos and more. They all require medical checkups and drug testing.

The au pair gets about $150 a week, cash. This isn’t much, but remember she’s also got room and board, a car with insurance provided, all utilities covered, and more. So its not that bad for her, and it does add up for the host family.