Anyone wanna critique my resume?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Pleeeeeeze?

I’m so burnt out from putting this thing together. I have been researching resumes and cover letters on the web around the clock for days now and I finally just finished my rough draft. But I’m at the point now where the little symbols that comprise the resume I have created simply stare back at me from the screen devoid of all meaning. I would really appreciate any feedback that anyone of you more experienced people might send my way. I also have some specific questions which I’ll put in a different post.

First off, here is the job title and description that I’m applying for:

2

Cover letter:

March 16, 2004
Germaine Hoynos
Assistant Director for Administrative Services
W1511 Library, Director’s Office
Stony Brook University
Stony Brook, NY 11794-3300
Dear Germaine Hoynos:
Having used the Music Library at Stony Brook University practically as a second home throughout my three years as a student there, it is with great enthusiasm that I am now applying for the Instructional Support Technician position in the same said department. As a passionate music scholar, I would be very interested in contributing to the betterment of the SBU Music Library in any and every capacity that my skills and experience might serve.
As you can see from my resume, I have acquired a wide variety of skills from experiences in both professional and academic settings. As an undergraduate music student at SBU, my research papers were often made available to my peers by professors as positive examples indicating my high level of proficiency with the various resources of the Music Library, as well as my well-developed research skills. In my 2003 Elizabeth Ball Kurtz Award letter, SBU Musicology Professor Joseph Auner is quoted as citing my “ability to raise the level of an entire class through his contributions” before describing me as “that rare kind of person who has the talent of bringing out the best of those around him, including his teachers”.
As a Head Administrator at Citicorp, I served as the sole point of contact between high-level executive clients (both national and international), the technical support desk, and my own Internet and Email Registration group. Working in close collaboration with my superior, I assisted in the development of an original web-based system which would allow users to create/modify their own accounts to a large degree; the increase in efficiency resulted in a reduction of the group from five administrators to two, and eventually to just myself.
I would welcome the opportunity to meet with you to discuss this position and my qualifications in more detail. I can supply you with references and will make myself available for an interview at your convenience. Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

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Resume

E D U C A T I O N
B.A. in Music, Spring 2003
Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, NY Cumulative GPA 3.94, Summa Cum Laude

B.A. in Psychology, Winter 1997
University of Maryland in College Park, MD (UMCP)
Cumulative GPA 3.3, Major GPA 3.8

P R O F E S S I O N A L E X P E R I E N C E
Head Administrator, Citicorp, Internet and Email Registration 12/98 – 8/00
New York, NY; Weehawken, NJ; Long Island City, NY
• Oversaw daily operations of the Internet and Email Registration Group and conducted an audit of all accounts created each day
• Collaborated with Department V.P. and software designer in the development of a new software-based system for creating/maintaining accounts resulting in an increase in efficiency by over 800%
• Established very positive working relationships with upper-level representatives of various departments in many countries while consistently providing clients within those departments with a high degree of satisfaction
• Trained new employees
.
Administrator, Citicorp, Internet and Email Registration Department 9/98 – 12/98
• Created Excel spreadsheet to record and calculate daily, weekly, and monthly account creation/modification statistics
• Consistently produced at the highest level within the group, effectively raising the standards for production of the group as a whole

Private Music Instructor 1995 – Present
• Provided guitar/piano lessons weekly to as many as twenty students at a time ranging in age from seven to sixty
• Tutored college students in harmony, theory, history, and musicianship
• Developed strong, long-term relationships with many students and parents

A W A R D S A N D H O N O R S
• Lambert Scholarship; cash award: Full Tuition (2002 – 2003)
• Elizabeth Ball Kurtz Scholarship Award for Excellence in Music; cash award: $1000 (2002, 2003)
• Undergraduate Recognition Award (URECA) (2002)
• Dean’s List (SBU), all of my six semesters

A D D I T I O N A L I N F O R M A T I O N
• Proficient in Windows, Word, Excel, IE, Outlook, Acrobat, ProTools, Reason, and Photoshop
• Earned perfect scores on virtually every academic paper/exam/assignment at SBU to the highest praises of every professor
• Extensive experience with the SBU Music Library and all its resources
• Exceptional interpersonal skills; experienced in and comfortable with dealing with people at many levels in various capacities
• Passionate about information, research, facts, learning, books, music, art, science

4

I just want to quickly acknowledge that I know this is a lot to ask. But I’d really appreciate even just some brief criticisms you might be able to make on any one aspect of it. I really really need this job. A recent job offer has fallen through and left me not only no better than before but considerably worse since I’ve lost more than half of my private music students in the process. (Don’t ask. I’ll probably rant about it in the pit when I get some energy back).

I don’t have the foreign language requirement either, so I really need this resume to be spectacular if I’m gonna have any hope of staying competitive.

Well, I’m completely drained right now so I’ll pose some specific questions tomorrow. Any initial impressions?

5

Looks good to me, but I know almost nothing about the field or how people in it think when reading resumes.

6

This thread is better suited for IMHO. I’ll move it for you.

Cajun Man
for the SDMB

7

Relax, that was a fine cover and resume. Best of luck, you seem well qualified for the job. Quit fretting and send it in. :slight_smile:

8

My only caution would be the use of a first name in the cover letter. However, as I have never been in a position to hire someone, that’s more from personal experience than anything.

Good luck:)

9

I think I’d keep the first name if you don’t know the professional status of the person you’re applying to. This is an academic setting and that person may or may not have a doctoral degree. I know when I get job applicants that address letters to Ms. brachyrhynchos rather than Dr. brachyrhynchos, I notice it. It’s not a big deal, but you don’t want anything on your applications that might pique someone’s ire.

Your letter and resume both give the clear impression about your enthusiasm in working in the library and the idea that you feel you can handle the job without a problem. This is very good. Apart from the language bit (did you take any language classes that you could mention?), the only thing I noticed was the lack of specific library skills that one might have if they had a library degree (bindery prep). I’m a bit torn about addressing this - if you say something along the lines that you’re looking forward to acquiring new library skills, you draw attention to this deficit. On the other hand, since this was on their list, they’ll likely notice it anyway. Myself, I’d probably throw the sentence in, but that’s just me.

Anyway, good luck! I think you’re off to a good start. :slight_smile:

10

I wish I could say I felt refreshed after a good night’s sleep, but I’m so stressed I hardly slept at all.

Anyway, thanks for the input so far. I’m actually a bit surprised. I was expecting to come in here and see my resume torn to shreds, and I guess I’m thankful that hasn’t happened. While writing it I just felt so insecure throughout about form and content and every other aspect really.

About the name, yeah I chose to include the full name because, as was said, I don’t know the professional status of the addressee. I figured I’d just play it safe and go with what was on the job posting.

The language bit is indeed a problem. I gots nothing beyond HS spanish which I don’t think anyone takes too seriously.

I do have a dilemna concerning the language issue. I actually intend to study either French or German this fall because I intend to pursue a PHD in Musicology beginning Fall 2005. If I were to get this job, as a university employee I’d be able to take the class for free.

Now, I did mention my contact with international clients while working at Citicorp, which just might make them curious enough about my experiences with foreign languages to get my foot in the interview. OK, it’s a stretch I know. But lacking any other mention of a foreign language, there’s still an air of mystery, which seems good considering I completely lack the qualification.

If I mention my intention to study a language this fall, does this remove the mystery and clearly communicate that I currently don’t have the language requirements? Furthermore, do I mention my intention to study musicology? While this might further emphasize my interest in music scholarship, will they want to hire someone who might be gone in a year and a half?

11

In my experience, the posted qualifications are more like a wish list. Rarely does an applicant posses all of the desired qualifications. Often those that claim to posses them, are exagerating. Which is an all too common practice. So in my opinion your lack of foreign language skills should not be terribly detrimental.

On the other hand, I would strongly advise you to refrain from communicating that you may only be availible for one and a half years. No employer wants to invest time and money to train someone who has plans to leave, before they even start. I am not suggesting that you be dishonest, but in truth even you do not know what the future holds. Focus on this jub, right now. If things change in the future, so be it.

Again, Best of luck

12

In the cover letter, you are correctly using a full-point, formal style, which would indicate that the honorific Ms. Hoynos would be more appropriate than her full name. Your cover letter is well-written, but there are a couple of places where you could replace an awkward word with a more common one. Speak in your writing as you would face-to-face with this person. Would you use the word “betterment” in conversation? If not, I would suggest changing it.

Your resume is good, but a little muddled. Unless your education is more important than your work history, I would move work history to the first section. I would also think about including a brief employment objective before the work history section - sort of a synopsis of the whole resume, for an employer to read in seconds so that he can toss your resume on the “keep” pile and read it thoroughly later.

My benchmark for cover letters and resumes is to keep in mind that the person doing the hiring is thinking one question - what can this person do for me? That is the question that you need to answer succinctly and clearly with your cover letter and resume.

13

OK, I googled “Germaine Hoynos” and found this page:

http://naples.cc.sunysb.edu/Admin/CampusJob.nsf/0/24de53ef8f0f11d085256dd5005c13c4?OpenDocument

which calls her “Ms.”, with no honorific. Since I assume that this webpage was blessed by her before it was placed on the net, I think you’re safe in assuming she has no higher degree that would entail a change in title.

14

askepdic I agree.

cybersnark thanks for finding that for me. Actually, another reason I used the full name was that I really wasn’t sure the gender of “Germaine”. Doesn’t Michael Jackson have a brother Germaine? (though featherlou appears to have known it without a cite). I changed it.

Do others agree that “betterment” sounds awkward? See, I might actually use it in conversation personally, but that’s not to say it doesn’t sound awkward. I honestly can’t tell. Doing some thesaurus-ing I came up with possibly substituting “improvement” or “growth”. “Growth” sounds much better to my ear. “Enhancement” also might be a possibility, but something about that word feels presumptuous, as if enhancing the library is beyond what’s explicitly required by the job.

I do hope to get some more thoughts back on this or any other words or phrases that sound awkward or might be turn-offs in some way.

Glad you mentioned this. This brings up 2 of my questions I came here to post just now.

First, regarding the “objective”. How important is it to have one? I’ve read and seen examples both with and without. Honestly I can’t think of what I would want to say there; my objective is to get this job. Do “objectives” really matter to employers? They all always seem so generic. And this actually reminds me of another question: as it is now, my “additional information” section is entirely on a second page. So adding an “objective” would only extend it further. How important is it to confine myself to a single page? I honestly don’t believe I could keep all the content I have confined to a single page without comprimising it’s aesthetic appeal. And I’m not sure what I’d toss. Is the second page a terrible no-no?

Second, most of the resumes I’ve looked at did indeed have the education at the bottom. I’ve gone back and forth on the issue of where to put it and ultimately chose the top precisely because I perceive that to be more important than my professional history for a couple of reasons: I did extremely well as a student there and most of my references will be professors whom it is possible the employer might know personally. It seemed a benefit to have the employer immediately see that I went to this university and am thus familar with the music library. And, it is more recent than my Citicorp job.

So, considering that, should I still move that section to the bottom?

Please keep the comments coming. I appreciate them very much. The deadline to get the resume in is Tues. but I intend to submit it by tomorrow afternoon electronically.

15

(oh and BTW, should I happen to NOT get this job, please consider this thread a shameless advertisement for my qualifications should any doper employers in the NY-LI area be currently seeking :wink: )

16

I still say it is fine as it is. But I would seriously consider contacting any faculty or staff with whom you are aquainted, and find out if they know Ms. Hoynos. I firmly believe that nothing improves your chances of getting the job more than beginning your cover letter with “Dear Ms. Hoynos, X recommended that I contact you”. Providing X is known to Ms. Hoynos.

Nit picks: I would delete “same said department” and “to the betterment of” and replace “any and every” with “a” in the first para of cover.

Best of luck, I would like to hear whether or not you get the job.

17

Well, that’s a 2nd shot to “betterment”. It’s not looking good for that word today.

18

I personally have a “Job Objective” section at the start of my resume (right under my name and address), and I fill in the specific field I’m applying for in that section. Right now, I’m looking for a job as an Accounting Assistant, so that’s what’s in there. In a short paragraph, I tell the prospective employer that I want to be hired as an Accounting Assistant, that I have three years experience in this field, and that I have these relevant skills. I put a lot of time and effort into my job objective paragraph, because I see it as my chance to grab this prospective employer’s attention. If the employer is looking for an Accounting Assistant with three years experience, I go on the short list pile right away.

As for two pages, my resume is two pages, with the important information all on the first page (employers look at my second page, but in a cursory way, when they’re sort of thinking about what question to ask me next.) The second page is where I list my other jobs that aren’t as relevant, my education (in my field, the work history is much more important than the education), and my extensive list of computer programs I know. All good things for an employer to see, but not as critical as what I did at my last two jobs.

19

I agree in choosing to include the objective. How’s this:

To obtain a position in an intellectually stimulating environment utilizing my various skills as an exceptional music scholar and a Head Administrator with leadership and training responsibilities in an office environment. I have excellent interpersonal and organizational skills, and I excel at developing creative solutions to solve problems and increase efficiency

20

Since you asked for it, here’s my opinion again. Your job objective is still a little vague. The person receiving your resume doesn’t know what you want from them in particular. Also, the writing is a little generic and jargony. Don’t just tell them you have excellent skills; tell them what you’re excellent at doing. You do write well, though; maybe try to put a little more of yourself into it? Just a thought - some people try to stay very neutral in resumes/cover letters, other people like their personality to come through a little. Sound a little less resume-ey, ya know?

Of course, you can always tell me to blow it out my ear. :smiley: