Anyone want to give me some feedback on a sci-fi short story I wrote awhile back?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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I sent you back an e-mail with a marked up document as an attachment. I’m posting so you know I replied and an e-mail was sent.

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email in my profile.

Please add SDMB to subject. Thanks.

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Ooh, I wanna read it. Yes.

hawklight @ gmail.com

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Sent to everyone. Thanks for all the critiques so far. I’m going to make some stylistic changes this weekend based on feedback I’ve gotten so far.

I didn’t get anything from you? My email program was acting really weird this morning and I’m worried it might’ve eaten some messages. Could you send it again please? Thanks.

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A second sending has been performed in the name of the great deity who can not be named in this missive. Please confirm by messenger that the sending has been successful, and that the brethren may depart for other duties.

You could turn on the email option for your profile to make this easier for those that wish to respond or check for the correct e-mail address.

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Transmission received. Thank you for your critique and kind words.

I’ll turn my email option on now.

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I’d love to read it if it’s not too late. Word format is fine.

Thanks

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That reminds me… :dubious:

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I am truly sorry, did I promise to read a story of yours and fail to get back?
I can be a bit absent minded. I have commented back on at least 3 SDMB Sci-Fi/Fantasy stories so far. Did I miss yours? If you still want, I will happily read and critique to my limited abilities. Again I am sorry if I air-headed out on this. I genuinely do not recall one way or the other.

Jim

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What’s your email address?

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You should have a largish document about the place if I’m not very much mistaken. It was about the time you changed your username. Don’t worry if you don’t have time to read through a >170k word story though!

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I’ll check my home PC tonight after I mow the lawn. What was the name of the File/Story? I emailed your post home to remind me. (Yes, I am that absent minded)
I have only read short stories so far from here, nothing that large, so I probably filed it for later reading and forgot about it. I am really sorry.

Jim

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I now have it in html format so anyone can read it.

Thanks, Derleth, for converting it.

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You can convert it to html in Word. Use the save as function and click on html for type of file.

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But some people don’t have Word and I forgot about that fact. I should’ve remembered, only having gotten it myself in the last ~2 years.

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That was for future reference, so you knew you could the conversion.

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I thought it was visible in my profile. Anyway it’s struan.idiotwind@googlemail.com

Thanks in advance man

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Ok, I think I finally got it sent off. My email has been acting really flightly for the past few days.

In fact, I use Opera’s email client and I’m having trouble with other areas of this browser, too :dubious:. Methinks the latest version may have been a little early.

Anyway, let me know what you think. I’m planning on doing a pretty thorough re-write either today or tomorrow.

Thanks for all the feedback so far everybody.

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I’ve got it Cisco, thanks. Will read it tomorrow, off to pub shortly.

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Re-write 1 is complete! Based on criticism from myself, my wife, and you guys.

Changelog:

-Tightened up many sentences. Changed extra long sentences into 2 or more individual sentences.
-Tweaked specific story elements to make more sense
-Tried to ‘Show’ more and ‘Tell’ less
-Removed lots of extraneous words
-Changed line-spacing to 1.5 for readability

Length before Re-write 1: 3603 words
Length after: 3772 words.

I thought for sure it would be shorter. Most of what I did was take words out, so I didn’t exptect it to be longer. I did add a few sentences, though.

If anyone wants to see the new version, please let me know! I’d love to hear what you guys think of the edits.

Thanks.