Anyone want to see some more Bullet Reviews?

So now that I’m back and plan to post with more regularity, I thought I’d bring back the Bullet Reviews if anyone is interested. For those who aren’t familiar with the concept, I love movies and will watch just about anything. The idea is, if there’s a movie (for rental, not at the theater and not made for TV) that you’re unsure if you want to watch yourself, I’ll watch it for you (taking the bullet, hence “Bullet Review”). I’ll then post what I thought of the film in detail, spoiling any spoilers and generally spewing any vitriol for having had to watch what is usually a very bad film.

Here’s links to the previous reviews for anyone who may want to get an idea of my writing style when it comes to this sort of thing:
Ankle Biters - a film about midget vampires
Battlefield Earth - famous flop
Hudson Hawk - not as bad as its reputation
Crossroads (with Brittany Spears) - stick to the bubble-gum music Brittany, stay out of bubble-gum cinema
Exorcist II - great cast, great director, what went wrong? Oh… the script.

So I need more movies to watch. The rules are simple: The movies must be available on DVD or VHS. No porn. That’s it, the only rules I can think of. So do you want to know why Cutthroat Island is the biggest flop of all time? Is Ishtar really that bad? Why didn’t Batman and Robin ruin George Clooney’s career? Did the Scooby Doo movie really need a sequel?!

You can even take the high road if you want. Not sure if Citizen Kane is your cup o’ tea? I’ll take on Orson Wells, he doesn’t scare me! (Cuz he’s dead now, y’see.)

So post your requests here, I’ll review them as I find them available to rent.

Well, Batman and Robin is one of the most horrible “movies” ever made, but the reasons it didn’t kill George Clooney’s career are twofold: 1) He looks like George Clooney (exactly like him, as a matter of fact), and 2) He had the sense to follow it up with street-cred projects like The Perfect Storm and O Brother Where Art Thou?

But your point: I’ll definitely take you up on it. I want to know how Scooby-Doo 2 turned out. I’m ashamed to admit that I didn’t completely hate the first one, and there were actually some bits that I laughed at and thought were clever.


  • Garfield
  • The Cat in the Hat

Both spring to mind, but I think that they’ve already been reviewed enough.

Some other choices:

  • The LOTR Animated ‘thing’/pseudo-movie.
  • ‘Legend of the Overfiend’. How bad can anime-tenticle porn be?
  • ‘Glitter’ (with Mariah Carey). Legend has it that it’s worse than ‘Crossroads’
  • How about an old WWF/WWE video?

Shame about the no porn rule. There was a gem of a movie that was called ‘Married with Hormones’ (paordy of ‘Married with Children’, duh). I’ve never laughed so much at (kinda) unintentionally funny porn in my life.

Bubba Ho-Tep

I like Bruce Campbell’s past movies, the premise of this one seems a little out there though.

And I know exactly where I can get my hands on that one and on Glitter. Those two will probably be first up.

As for Garfield and Scooby Doo 2, gotta wait for video, my friends.

Dodgeball. I refuse to pay good money to see the horrifically unfunny Ben Stiller. I played dodgeball in grade school, though.

Dude, I’m lining up to see that movie. I haven’t laughed that much at a trailer in years. Ben Stiller I can take or leave, but Vince Vaughn + Steven Root + Rip Torn + Gary Cole all in the same movie == BIG LAFFS.

Ok, seeing as store-clerk-slacker wants to see this one (I think she’s got a thing for Vince Vaughn) I may be able to bend the “must be on DVD or VHS” rule here since I think we’re gonna end up seeing it at the theater anyway.

Mind you, I can’t pause and rewind the film at the theater, so you won’t be getting as in-depth of a review. I also won’t be able to see my notepad very well, so there is the possibility of my notes being illegible, but we shall see.

Missed your Bullet Reviews. Welcome back, bro.

Did you ever review Freddy Got Fingered? If not, how about lining that one up?

Nope never reviewed that one. That’ll go on the list with Glitter, since those aren’t new releases, I can get them from slacker’s work for free.

I’m still waiting for your promised review of I Spit On Your Grave. Don’t make me come over there.

If I remember correctly he actually tried to watch that movie, but his vcr’s were trying to eat the tape. I’m assuming it was his machine and not my store’s video, but just to make sure, I will have him watch that one here. It may take some time tho, that one is a very popular rental for some reason. I’ve seen it and I wasn’t that impressed.
FTR: All the others requested (except for those still in theaters) he’s already made me a list to get from work this weekend.

The Princess and the Warrior

I liked Run Lola Run but have heard both positive and negative reviews from my friends about his next one. I guess I could rent it myself, but hey - take a bullet for me!

(I’m reminded of the carfax commercials. “You were…sleeping!”)

No Crunchy, don’t do it! Glitter is horrible, much too horrible to watch. I actually like watching bad movies and Glitter defeated me; I could only take ten minutes and then lapsed into a coma. Watch Cabin Boy instead 'cause I’m too embarrassed to rent it and nobody will show it on tv.

Dooku, Run Lola Run is a pretty cool movie.

And what about Dancing in the Dark? One of my friends wants me to watch it, but is it just a depress-o-fest or what?

What if I’ve seen the film, will you still take the bullet because these could pass right through me and into you.
Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2

Wow, getting a good list of new movies. And yes, Fisher Queen, I did try to watch I Spit on Your Grave for you, but my VCR tried to eat it. Since that (along with Freddy Got Fingered) are hold-overs from the original thread of requests, those two get top priority to be watched as soon as I can get my hands on them. In fact, I have no plans for tonight, so I may do one (or two, if I feel masochistist) tonight.

Oh, and just for me so I know what I need to watch…

Marci X
The Hunted
The Core
Tomb Raider 2
The Princess and the Warrior
Run Lola Run
Freddy Got Fingered*
Bubba ho Tep
The Cat in the Hat
I Spit on Your Grave*
*priority rentals

On a side note, a while back was discussion of the Star Wars Holiday Special and a suggestion of me doing a review on that. I’ve since lost the emails from people who could get me a copy, so if you know someone or have a copy, please drop me a line so I can share George Lucas’s vision with the rest of the Dopers.

That could be funny. I’m fan and I own a few tapes. Some are actually fun to watch (anything involving Mick Foley) and some are for fans only and even that’s pushing it. :smiley:
I’d suggest Best of Raw, volume one - plenty of cheese and even boobies*.

  • They highlight Sable’s “career” including the infamous bikini contest - she wore a thong bottom and handprints painted on her breasts.

The best bullet review I ever read- Playboy Magazine on The Last Temptation of Christ- Jesus wimped.

My own on The Passion of the Christ (which I did love)- Pulp Gospel.

Wow, my other post was unclear - to clarify: I’ve seen Run Lola Run and enjoyed it; I only need you to see The Princess and the Warrior, the follow-up film from the same director (Tom Tykver).