I don’t know her very well, nor do I interact with her directly a lot, but it’s pretty plain she has some pretty serious issues with self esteem and depression. She talks (as in a general posting on social media way, not with me directly) quite a bit about feeling judged and not valued, how she doesn’t matter, will never find love, and doesn’t deserve anything good in life. It’s deep enough that she actually told someone who tried to cheer her up not to, because she knows the objective truth and the reassurances were nothing but empty lies. She doesn’t see any worth or value in herself or her life, even as she “reassures” people she’s too much of a coward for suicide.
I get where she’s coming from, I do. But it seems to me that this kind of self image is sort of a no win situation when it comes to outside influence. I mean, I think she could benefit from therapy and/or medication, but who am I to suggest it? And how would she take it, given the mental state she’s in (this depression seems to come and go, given her online habits and talk)?
Is there anything I can reasonably do here, or am I just too far removed from her particular situation to do more good than harm?
It’s doesn’t have to be presented as a judgment. It can be presented as, “This might make you feel better.” Certainly the OP isn’t in a position to tell an online acquaintance what she “needs.” Hell, IRL you tell someone that at your peril. But making someone aware of options and resources is hardly judgment.
I am not a doctor, therapist, or otherwise licensed to deal with medical or emotional problems. But I have been close to people who’ve suffered from depression, and, honestly, it doesn’t seem like anything I ever did or said had any effect or helped them in any way.
Quick story:
I went to a programming school for disabled people (I have severe hearing problems). There was a quadraplegic (sp?) in my class. He could move his head and arms in a limited way, and that’s it. No movement in his fingers or the rest of his body. What was he doing in a programming class? Well, they’d strap pencils to his hands, eraser-side down, and he’d use those to hit the keyboard. But this guy was always smiling, always had a joke or a funny story to tell. Rather than feeling sorry for himself, he was trying to learn a career and get a job.
I couldn’t imagine going through something like that and still be able to smile, let alone have a huge grin on my face constantly. But this guy made me realize something: Some people are always happy, no matter what happens to them, what their circumstances or situation is. And some people are always miserable no matter what happens to them. They could win the lottery and they’d bitch about the government taking half of it for taxes, and all their relatives coming by with their hands out, etc.
I don’t know what your online friends problems are, but I think all you can do is be sympathetic and supportive (or as much as you can to someone you only talk to online). It sounds like your friend is suffering from severe depression, and has reached a stage of despair where things don’t seem like their going to get any better. She likely has people close to her urging her to get help, etc. So, no, I don’t think there’s anything you can really do other than try to be there when you can, and try to be sympathetic and supportive. She needs to work it out on her own, and you can’t help people that can’t or won’t help themselves.
I guess I just can’t really see how it is not a judgement. When someone has a problem I just listen to them and hear their problems - if they are not asking for a solution, or asking your advice etc. then you are just assuming things. I guess I tend to just empathize more - like oh you feel this way that’s too bad etc,; you don’t really have to have a solution or to think what they feel is some underlying thing that only a professional can help with.
For the record I do have my biases - my parents were both in the mental health field. Unfortunatley they were unable for much of their careers to leave there work at work - they tended to treat everyone as if they were sick people with diagnoses instead of people with personalities. It had a very isolating effect - literally no one wanted to be around them during this time.
No, but sometimes people are indirectly crying out for help and want/need a nudge. Or they really don’t know what might help them feel better. Making people aware of options is a reasonable thing to do. But you’re right: no one can make anyone else do anything.
If they have never visited a counselor in their life, there’s a chance that they don’t have a good idea of what counseling is, what happens in a session etc. In turn adding to their reluctance to seek medical help. So I definitely +1 making them aware of this option, at least.
I know the desire to help is there and it’s strong. However, I would just leave this alone. I don’t see any involvement on your part as really being beneficial for anyone, least of all you. But also your acquaintance. Severely depressed people are not receptive to help. Trust me, I’ve been there. The motivation must be internal. If you must do something, let them know you care and that you are there for them if they need to talk or anything. Other than that, I really don’t see what you can do.
