From “Clerks”:
Dante: You hate people.
Randall: But I love gatherings. Isn’t it ironic?
Give me immortality, or give me death!
P.S.: The bank two blocks from my house was robbed today. You’d think I lived in L.A. or Detroit or something.
My last words are to a long lost love. I loved you years ago… I still love you today. 
its just so sad!
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I saw a snake with no legs.
- A Wally original.
I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK!
“I go on guilt trips a couple of time a year. Mom books them for me.” A custom made Wally .sig!
My iguana's sick.
He's all floppy. Could he have
Reptile dysfunction?
-Chef Troy, Haiku MasterProfound last words: Goddess, please see that the new software works properly. Please give the techies & admins the patience to deal with everyone who says “Hey! The new software sucks!” And please let it take no more than 8 hours. Please.
Cristi, Slayer of Peeps
I made my husband join a bridge club. He jumps next Tuesday.
(title & sig courtesy of UncleBeer and WallyM7!)
I wimped out and went to work. Shoot me, please.
I regret that I have but one life to give for my message board…
(And I’ll be away from computers this weekend, so I hope I’l see y’all on Monday.)
JMCJ
“Y’know, I would invite y’all to go feltch a dead goat, but that would be abuse of a perfectly good dead goat and an insult to all those who engage in that practice for fun.” -weirddave, set to maximum flame
I just popped over to the vBulletin website and took a gander at the new software. I think you’re gonna like it.
Please Tuba,
be gentle…
Guest contributor
Straight Dope Science Advisory Board
If this in any way affect my post count, I am gonna have the biggest snit any of you have ever seen.
Actually, I rarely post on weekends anyway, so kudos on the timing.
You can keep your Wally sig, because SwimmingRiddles designated me as St. Mullinator: Patron Saint of Republicans That SwimmingRiddles Respects!
There’s a thread over in ATMB with all the details. Apparently the new software is supposed to flawlessly integrate all existing UBB content. That was one of the Chicago Reader’s goals when selecting the new system.
“Mother of Mercy, is this the end of Rico?”
‘Hey, what’s this button do?’
TMR
Patron Saint of Clever Retorts. What’s it to you?
‘You know me EZ, if you din’t wan’ him dead, why’d you leave him wit’ me?’
All you need to start an asylum is an empty room and the right kind of people.
Yikes! I’m scared. What if something happens and I don’t make it to the other side. Somebody hold my hand.
What is this, some kind of freakout??
“Shakespeare invokes the name of Machiavelli twice in the Henry VI plays: first, as an epithet for the notorious French commander Alencon; much later, in Richard of Gloucester’s famous vow to ‘set the murderous Machiavel to school’.”
(First sentence of a term paper that I might actually get bored enough to work on it, after all. Thank you, Ed … I guess.)
Open the pod bay doors HAL…HAL…Open the pod bay doors
One of the few to be personally welcomed to this board by Ed Zotti.
Yours truly,
aha
Yankee Blue, good one! I love Don Cheadle playing Mouse.
Women and children, leave the UBB first! The men will go down with the ship. God willing, we’ll see you on the other side.
It really is beautiful over there.
Well, since the board will be down I hope to see everyone in chat tonight to get their fix!!! 
And, as for profound, how about:
I have chainmail underwear.