I have a friend who was a doctor in one of the low-income hospitals. She said that many of the teenage mothers got pregnant on purpose because they wanted someone to love them. With many of their peers also having children, I would assume that the teen mothers were more or less aware of what their peers were going through and still felt it was worth it. Taking care of a doll isn’t necessarily indicative of a baby since there isn’t any emotional attachment to it. As any parent (or pet owner) can attest, there is some irrational and unquantifiable aspect to parenthood which makes it worthwhile even if it’s hard.
But the bigger issue is that the sister is being supported in a way that absolves her of any responsibility or obligations for her life. As long as her mother supports her and enables her carefree lifestyle by doing stuff like having her boyfriend move in, she’ll never learn true responsibility or how hard she really needs to work. If her mom kicked her out, she’d have to get a job that paid enough for rent and learn how hard you have to work to support yourself. But as it is now, she doesn’t see any reason not to have a baby since mom will likely provide unlimited food, housing, and childcare. Mom really should start implementing some tough love in order to help your sister. But as any parent can attest, the will to do that to your child can be extremely difficult to achieve.
You said it was “not uncommon”. Your cite doesn’t confirm what you wrote. In fact, it appears to be a book about murders, not at all about having mutiple children with multiple mothers to collect lots of sweet, sweet welfare.
My friend Sharon had two kids leave the nest. The last daughter was out celebrating her eighteenth, but when she came home the door was locked and bolted. She rang the bell, repeatedly.
Sharon eventually came to the door. It was four in the morning. She turned the porch light on, looked out, and yelled through the glass, “you’re an adult, go away”. She then went back to bed.
Daughter rang the bell again, again Sharon came to the door and told her to go away. Eventually her husband, tired of the antics, went downstairs and let his drunk, weeping daughter in. She moved out a couple years later when she married and told the story at the reception.
I’ve read Under the Banner of Heaven, and while yes, a murder is involved, it’s really about the beliefs of the FLDS (and in a broader sense, the LDS). The murders were the result of zealous religious beliefs, Krakauer’s real focus.
When I started reading Omar_Little’s first post here, I thought he was promoting the Welfare Queen stereotype, and I started getting ticked. However, he’s not wrong about the FLDS’ welfare fraud and how it treats women and children.
To be clear, it wasn’t the women and children who benefitted. IN fact, they suffered while the church leaders prospered. Lyle Jeffs, the son of Warren Jeffs (Remember him? The FLDS church pres currently serving life in prison for sexual assault, incest, and other crimes?), [is currently serving time for SNAP fraud]
(Lyle Jeffs gets 5 years prison in food stamp fraud case).
Prosecutor Robert Lund said he hopes the sentence sends a strong message to Lyle Jeffs and other sect leaders that a “culture of corruption” in recent years won’t be tolerated. He said Lyle Jeffs and other leaders lived and ate well while lower-level group members suffered, using businesses and special instructions to members to try and conceal the scheme.
I highly recommend Under the Banner of Heaven. It’s illuminative. It’s also excellent journalism.
I supopose that’s one way of looking at it. For me, so far (they’re only 7 and 5 now, so I am trepidatious about those teenaged years), the first about 18 months just sucked. Like I was just not good at them, at least with the first kid. Second was much easier. Since then, though, I’ve not once thought of it as a sentence and I am already cherishing every moment I have knowing one day they will (probably) leave. I know, I’ll check back in in 10 years to see if I feel the same. Calling it a “sentence,” even in jest, feels weird to me.
I had the ‘advantage’ to have a half brother 14 years younger than I was. And that at the time I spend my school year with my father and major breaks and summer with my mother (and my new half brother). So I got to enjoy only about 6 weeks of life in a 2 bedroom apartment with a newborn, then periodic snapshots of life with a young one through the various ages, always with the secure knowledge that escape was only a few weeks/months away. Of course, this might be why I was utterly uninterested in having kids…
So back to the OP. Blalron, you mentioned that you don’t think your mother has the will to stand up to your sister if this happens. Have you considered having her talk to anyone else that she respects enough to support her if it comes to that? You may not be able to persuade your mother (G-d knows I cannot convince mine of anything), but if she has a sister, pastor, BFF that can maybe suggest they reach out, or in a pinch, contact them and ask for their input.
It’s a longshot, but other than our earlier “Run you fools!” it’s at least an option that might prevent a disaster from reaching your mother even if your sister makes her choice.
Uh oh, if people are really reading my posts, it’s only a matter of time til they start finding inconsistencies…
But back to Blalron’s family, I agree that Mom needs to get a backbone and articulate a plan to the daughter BEFORE anyone goes off birth control.
AND, does the boyfriend know that that’s an idea that’s being considered? Or is part of the plan to keep him in the dark until there’s a positive pregnancy test to show him?
I really hope someone tells him (preferably his girlfriend, but an anonymous note works too…).
I know what Mom needs to do, but it’s so hard to get people to change. You can give them opportunities but the choice is theirs and they usually choose not to.
I know I commented in another thread that parents can’t control the outcomes of their children, but having witnessed enough enablers, I think enabling is a pretty easy one to chalk up to parenting choices. Sister couldn’t be a leech off Mom if Mom didn’t allow it.
Reminds me of my grandmother, who was complaining about my mother visiting at inconvenient times. Grandma was like “Oh, I can’t control her. She does what she wants.” While that is true, my grandmother could easily say, “This is not a good time for you to visit. You cannot stay at my house.” The problem is not my mother but my grandmother’s inability to assert her own needs.
Anyway. Most people don’t change. Those who do change slowly, with great effort. Probably not in enough time to prevent this trainwreck.
I’m kind of assuming he knows about it and thinks it’s a good idea, but sure, if she’s keeping her plans a secret, he should know. Normally I have a non-interference in relationships policy but this actually concerns a child and the potential of that child to be unwanted and subjected to the strife of dysfunctional family relationships. So I’d make an exception there and try, at least once, to talk some sense into both of them.
Lots of wisdom in @Spice_Weasel’s post above. As to this bit …
I’d continue that idea with …
And have that talk with each separately and also both together on another occasion. Just be prepared to be assaulted verbally if not physically on at least one of those 3 tries.
Based on my assumptions about your sister’s personality based on her lifestyle, I would caution against pressing her too hard. I would not be surprised if the harder you objected, the stronger her conviction would be to go through with it. Essentially, she would get pregnant just to spite you to show that she can do it and won’t let anyone control her.
If I had to articulate what I find most enraging about this plan: It’s basically hostage taking. Creating a baby (in a very premeditated fashion) and using it as a human shield to manipulate people.
Calling it a “sentence,” even in jest, feels weird to me.