Apparently my little sister is determined to become a teenage mom

She’s a spoiled brat and an ingrate, and her mother should throw her out NOW.

Time to grow up, cupcake! :face_with_raised_eyebrow:

Here’s my point of view, having been on the receiving end of an eviction that I thought was unfair (long story that I’m not going to go into now): I value mercy, forgiveness, and compassion, but these can’t be a license to let people walk all over you. She deserves one last chance, but she is skating on thin ice. Little sister is young, and eager to start her new life. That’s fine. She’s legally an adult now. But she’s deluding herself if she thinks she can impose the burden of her choices on other people.

Mom works from home. She has to take phone calls. The house has to be quiet for her to do this. A screaming infant simply can’t be in the house if she wants to perform her job.

I’ve never been a parent but I’ve been a teen. I kind of suspect that during those years you might watch or read about someone else’s experiences and think “That person is stupid. That will never happen to me.” There’s a lot of hubris in the tank of a teen. Life hasn’t quite beaten it all out of them by that point.

We had a son later in life (age 37.) We almost went through with an adoption, I’ll not get into the details here, but as we discussed having children via pregnancy or adoption, and the prospects of having another child, etc my husband said, “There’s just something about getting older, where you have enough life experience that you stop assuming the best possible outcome.”

Given that the mother’s daughter is only 19, I’m doubting that the mother is old enough to want to (or even be allowed to) move to a senior center.

The op is 17 years older than the sister. So that’s a 36 year span.

regardless, the idea is to downsize the daughter out of residency.

Mom’s no spring chicken, but she’s too young to move into a senior center. 56 years old is a tad bit too young for that. I seriously doubt she would want to do that even if she could.

I wouldn’t say that she could (likely to be costly); or that she should; but there are places that cater to that age range.

55+ Communities | 55 Plus Communities | SeniorHousingNet?

This is a common mantra on the right. Reality is nothing like that.

Indeed, states are positively loathe to have to pay more than they have to so most (all?) states have laws regarding dad’s financial obligations to their children and penalties for deadbeat dads. In Illinois (a blue state), if the dad is delinquent for more than six months or $5000 they can face criminal charges. Before that they can face administrative punishments like losing their driver’s license. I doubt red states would be any nicer about it.

The state really, really, really wants no part of what you describe.


Are you saying the post you wrote was all bullshit and meant as a joke?

No, I’m saying you are misreading the post and there have been several posts discussing it.

I was thinking about this and did a cursory web search and there seems to be a lot of variation from $50 to $1000. The expensive one claims to be the best and is used in schools.

The cheap ones just seems to be dolls that kinda act like a baby. To be of use the doll needs to keep a record of how it was treated (including feedings and diaper changes and whatnot) so the boyfriend just doesn’t shove it in a closet for the weekend and return it saying it was easy.

OP, I think you’re right that having a stern, face-reality talk with your sister would be an exercise in futility. So don’t. Have a talk with her where you’re asking questions–not sternly but as if you’re talking as one reasonable adult to another, even though she’s not reasonable.

What appeals to you about having a baby?
How would you manage to work and care for a child?
How would you pay for daycare?
Mom can’t do daycare. She works. If she didn’t, no house. So what’s your alternative?
Oh, you don’t plan to work? I don’t get it. You think Mom should bear all the expenses?
What if she refuses?

It might not be easy to focus on listening, to keep your tone steady, to resist the urge to be adversarial and remain logical, to keep questioning her answers, and it won’t be as satisfying as yelling at her to grow up, but it has a better chance of getting through. Often when teens are resistant to parents, they’re often open to others, like an older sibling (one who’s not acting like a parent), an older cousin, a family friend. If you can’t play that role, can you find someone who could?

You can divorce yourself from the situation, but only so far. No matter where you live, your sister’s decision is going to impact you. I feel for you.

Excellent advice there @nelliebly.

A similar approach might also work with BF to the degree our OP has any relationbship with this guy at all. And if not, this could be round 2 of the icebreaking. In this case I think the large age difference might acutaly be helpful. Not that OP should play Dad, but he can play the “I almost got bamboozled by a pregnancy-minded babe at about your age. It was a close call. Whew!”

Yes, I get that at 18 he may be thinking only “Free room + free sex = paradise”, but once he catches on to the intent to make a baby and Mom’s intent to throw both bums out, baby and all, his erection enthusiasm may loose some of its steam.

Maybe this is just me showing my Guy’s Union card but I see the BF as the main victim. Preventing BF from being victimized would be a service to him, and indirectly to the baby that won’t flow out of this mess.

Unless he’s as useless a messed up personality as Sis is. You’re not gonna fix that and there’s precious little reason to invest the breath. The world is full of misbegotten babies being mis-raised by idjits. It’d be nice to prevent one more, but in the big picture the person whose interests come first is probably the OP’s Mom.


Figures you’d be the guy to post this. :wink:

I don’t know if he is any more of a victim than any of the others. There are three people here, the mother, the sister and her boyfriend. They are all in messes which they need to extract themselves from, but it’s unlikely that any of them will.

I had a cousin who got married to or lived with a number of women who “used him” because he had a terrible problem with low self esteem and followed anyone who told him she loved him.

Each one of them had some pretty serious issues with red flags that should have concerned anyone, such as a single mother who was a heavy drug user and had been living with her kid in a car for a couple of days since getting evicted from her apartment. My cousin met her in a bar, she declared during that night that it was true love and he brought her and her child back to live with him – at his mother’s trailer house. He was in his late 20s at the time.

You gotta use some judgment in life.

For sure. My take, based on what little we know of the total story so far, was that Sis is a known lifetime write-off, and Mom would probably be fine once she’s not a full time enabler for Sis. Which might take a deus ex machina to achieve.

BF might be a OK guy with bad early warning radar, or he might be a born loser too. Only in the first possibility can (or even should) our OP try to have any positive effect on the outcome.

Agree there’s no point in pouring life energy into hopeless cases like Sis. I just don’t know (yet) whether BF is more of the same or a soon-to-be victim.

Y’know how many said that Trump was more a symptom of the problem than the actual problem itself ?

My guess is that the sister, the BF, and Mom represent a similar dynamic: this is a long-time coming based on an innumerable number of factors, pretty much none of which will be easy to course-correct this late in the game.

And that would be my position even if all three players came to you begging for your advice, which – AIUI – they have not :wink:

More’s the pity.

It’s very hard for me to imagine a way that @Blalron can improve this situation. It’s much easier for me to imagine how he could, unintentionally, anger and alienate from one to three people by trying.

All the best of luck to all involved. Truly.