Appropriate Boundaries When Raising Children?

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m not a parent, and I don’t plan on ever being one, but I am around kids a lot. One of my best friends has a five-year-old that I watch often. She has certain rules that are enforced at home (no jumping on the furniture because her aunts and uncles, who are only a little bit older than her, are too old to but they will if they see her doing it and then the furniture will break) and a specific bed time (mostly because five year olds haven’t learned that tired = go to sleep), things like that. But they also do things I don’t approve of, such as making her finish her meal if she doesn’t like what they made. My parents never did that. However, I didn’t get to make something different: I ate whatever they made or I went hungry. I learned the distinction. When B. comes over, and she looks at something and tells me she doesn’t want it, I say “three bites, and then if you don’t like it you can put it in the garbage.” Usually it’s something she hasn’t tried before and she actually likes it, or she doesn’t and eats something else on her plate.

I don’t know. My parents were pretty lenient, but that’s because they did a really good job of teaching me right from wrong. Most other kids don’t have that right away. I think it would depend. And someone up there pointed out that parents are afraid that their kids “won’t like them.” Too bad. You’re a parent, not a friend. I can’t count the times I yelled at my parents “I HATE YOU!” for stuff that, in retrospect, was perfectly reasonable of them to request. And I think I may have broken their hearts every time, but it all worked out in the end. Your job is to raise them to be productive, intelligent members of society, not to sit up and watch movies with them and gossip. However, they should feel open to the idea of talking to you. I always came home after school and talked to my parents about how my day was, what mishaps happened, how much of my homework I got done, what was going on the next day, things like that. And because of that I was open with them in every aspect of my life - when I decided that I needed birth control, I knew I could talk to my parents about it. When I got drunk at a party (which was an accident, incidentally, because it was a tasty mixed drink that I thought was virgin, so I had a few of them) my parents just came and picked me up instead of berating me. When one of my friends got pregnant I was able to sit down with my parents and have an intelligent conversation about how to avoid that with myself, and options for said friend, whose parents were not so easy to talk to.

Also, I would not advocate treating your children like they’re stupid just because they’re little. Children, yes, because they’re young, and they have a lot to learn. But stupid? No. B gets treated like a young person, but not like she’s stupid. We never talk down to her, and she is extremely articulate and intelligent for a five year old, and comprehends stuff people my age don’t get.

~Tasha

22

Oh, here’s an important one. I require my kids to obey first, then ask questions. If I ask them to do something, they may certainly ask why and I will happily explain, but they have to start doing it first. That way, they are used to obeying promptly when it’s important, instead of:

“Get out of the street now!”
“Why?” splat

A great illustration of this principle is in Little house in the big woods, when Laura obeys Ma promptly and thus avoids being eaten by a bear. Those books are just chock-full of good examples to discuss with your kids!
I’m usually happy to explain why on all sorts of things, but sometimes it’s “because I said so.” Mostly when they’re trying to prolong the argument. Every parent is going to use it sometime, because otherwise you wind up in the Trap of the Eternal Why.

23

Yes, I can see that it is sometimes appropriate, but some parents use it because they have no good reason for the “no” and don’t feel they owe their child an explanation anyway. My daughter is now seven and I have yet to resort to “because I said so” since I never say no for no good reason and I can always explain my decisions. And if it’s an urgent matter, I will answer her “why?” with a “NOW” and give her the explanation later. She has yet to really try my patience, though, and I may have to break out the “because I said so” one day (probably in exasperation). I’m okay with that.

My problem stems from the fact that my father always used that as his only reason for telling us no, and that made us feel like we weren’t real human beings, if you see where I’m coming from. Like his word was all important, and our opinions and thoughts and wishes didn’t matter. I was a smart kid, I only questioned the things that made no sense and I did it not out of a desire to argue, but to understand.

My dad was just a douche, and I’m trying really hard to be a better parent than he was. My parenting instincts are always to think WWDD? and then do the opposite. :wink:

24

I totally understand what you’re saying, but here’s something that comes up for me, and I wonder if some parents back it up with “Because I said so!”: sometimes I say no because I’m listening to my intuition. I don’t have a reason for saying no that can be verbalized, but the idea of saying yes just makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. But I explain this to my kids. I’ll tell them “I’m not sure why I’m saying no, it’s just that something about that whole idea that makes me very uncomfortable, and I’m old enough to learn to listen to myself when that happens”. That almost boils down to “because I said so”, but not quite. But maybe some parents haven’t really figured out how to verbalize this stuff.

25

See, you at least attempt to explain, even if you told them no just because of a feeling you had. Believe me, your kids will appreciate that you made the effort. If they don’t now, they should eventually. My life got 1000x less frustrating when my dad stopped the half-assed parenting and took off for ten years. He never wanted to be a parent and he put in the minimum effort and it showed.

Sorry, I know I keep bringing up my dad and this isn’t therapy, but to me setting boundaries for no reason is just as bad as not setting any and he’s my prime example.

26

Pshaw, everything’s therapy! Especially parenting.

The reason I’m asking this question stems from my upbringing and my parents’ (especially my Mom’s) lack of social skills and boundaries (I’ve read just about everything Miss Manners has published). My parents are good people, they tried, and I respected many of their choices, but there’s a whole lot they never understood.

27

One good thing about explaining your reasons is that your child then learns how to make the decision for himself the next time (or maybe in a few years.)

“No, you can’t have another cookie because I said so” teaches him that you are the boss and he isn’t. When he’s the boss, he can have more cookies.

“No, you can’t have another cookie because too many cookies aren’t good for you. Also, your cousins are coming over later and you should be generous and share the cookies with them.” teaches several valuable things: Cookies can be enjoyed in moderation. Too many cookies aren’t good for you. Generosity is valued, sharing is a good thing. These are lessons larger than the moment, that can be applied to any number of decisions he has to make for himself in his life.

Even “I have a bad feeling about that, so the answer is no” is an important criteria to teach. Someday, someone may offer him a drink. A girl may push him into having sex, friends may want to go to a club in a skeevy part of town. Teaching him that his intuition is worth listening to may save his life.

Now, one thing that he does have to learn is that there’s times when you just have to listen to authority and shut the fuck up. If his boss tells him he’s flying to LA in the morning to meet with a client, the boss shouldn’t have to justify that with a list of reasons why the client can’t come to them. So I wouldn’t banish “because I said so” completely. But I do try to minimize it’s use.

28

Now I have a name for it. Our daughter (almost seven years old) is the best rules lawyer I’ve met. Tell her to do something and she asks why. Tell her why and she starts a debate.

“Why do I have to get dressed.”

“Because we have to go to daycare”

“Well, I can go to daycare in my pajamas. I don’t care, no one else cares. I don’t know why I need to wear clothes to daycare.”

(You know, hon, honestly, I’m not sure why we do the whole clothes thing either. Its is what is appropriate. “Society says so” which carries just as much weight as “Mom says so.” But I really don’t want to open up a debate about societal norms. I agree, hanging in your jammies is so much more comfortable and you have a really good point. And it isn’t like your jammies are inappropriate. You would look a little silly, but you are six - its ok. However, you can’t wear jammies.)

“Because mom says so.”

29

I recently told my 2.5 yr old son that he absolutely must wear his seatbelt (which he’s recently learned to unbuckle) because if he doesn’t, the Policeman will arrest Mommy and take her to jail. Fortunately he’s young enough that that’s still a deterrent.

Of course, the downside is he spent all afternoon at the grocery store saying “Poleese man a take a Mommy a jail”.

30

My parents allowed negotiation, with the proviso that if they said “enough!”, that was the end of it.