Are couples who never argue blessed or weird?

[Defensive_Indifference]

My wife and I have been married for 9 years, together for aboout 12. We have had disagreements, difficult decisions (e.g., what city to live in and whose family to be close to), and have sometimes accidentally hurt each other’s feelings. But we’ve never had an argument as I understand of the term. I’m not sure how we’re all using the term “argument” here. I think of an argument as two people saying deliberately aggressive or hurtful or belittling things to each other, the kind of interaction where you’re trying to win. (“Sorry, this is Abuse. Argument is two doors down.”) My wife and I have calm, rational discussions. We’re not trying to win anything, just trying to make each other happy. It helps that we’re pretty close on most major issues, and neither of us gets worked up about minor issues.

@markdash

-Most importantly, we don’t do dumb shit that pisses of the other person. We try to be considerate and thoughtful in our words and actions, which is like 95% of the battle.

Whodathunk it?

@tdn

It’s been many years since I’ve dated anyone other than liberal Democrats. What’s to argue about? Whether Bush is a poopie head or a doodie head?

This too. I’m probably a liitle bit more liberal than my wife, but we’re in close enough agreement that we just sort of sadly shake our heads at the same things.

[raspberry_hunter]

@perfectparanoia

I mean, if something your partner does or says really bothers you, do you just bottle it up? Calmly talk about it while you are seething inside?

When my husband does/says something that bothers me a lot, I do tend to bottle it up until I can examine it more calmly, ideally in the context of other things he’s doing that are amazing and wonderful. I’ve also found that it communicates just as much information to my husband if I say, “What you said/did really bothered me” calmly as it does if I scream it. Actually, more, because when I scream I don’t articulate my words very well

What about debates about politics? Do you not have them with your spouse (ours can get pretty heated, with breaks for research into your position of choice)?

My husband and I disagree quite a bit about politics. We never debate about it. We mostly just don’t talk about politics at all – agree to disagree. (There are some exceptions where we do talk about it, but more in the vein of “Have you thought about it from this perspective?” than “You’re wrong and I’m right.”) I find this much better than my ex-boyfriend, who always wanted to debate politics and would overwhelm me with research and studies and cites, and basically force me to agree with him while resenting him at the same time.

@Bayard

But we’ve never had an argument as I understand of the term <snip>… the kind of interaction where you’re trying to win.

Yeah, this. I don’t find it useful. I’m not saying I never do this with my husband, but I try not to.

[tdn]

I’m curious about those who feel the need to argue. Can you give some specific examples, either real or hypothetical, of what you might argue about? And what an ideal resolution might look like?

[AClockworkMelon]

@tdn

Yep. Disagreements have periods and question marks. Arguments have exclamation points.

Not always. Some arguments use italics rather than exclamation points.

[B.Serum]

It depends why they don’t argue.

If it’s due to apathy or fear, then it’s a bad situation.

But if they don’t argue because they have the maturity to work through disagreements without hostility, then it’s a win.

[Whack-a-Mole]

@tdn

I’m curious about those who feel the need to argue. Can you give some specific examples, either real or hypothetical, of what you might argue about? And what an ideal resolution might look like?

I have no specific examples but it is not hard to imagine two people who live closely to find something to disagree about. It is almost inevitable.

I think if a couple argues about stupid shit (e.g. Chinese or Mexican takeout) then there is a problem and it lies elsewhere than what you are eating tonight.

More deeply (as an example) could be what religion to raise your kids in. One would hope it was sorted before you got married but it happens.

[enipla]

@Smeghead

My wife and I have never had an argument. We have occasionally disagreed on minor issues, and once in a while one of us accidentally hurts the other’s feelings, but we’ve never argued. When things happen, we talk. Someone claimed that no arguing = no communication. I couldn’t disagree more. One of the best things about our marriage is how well we communicate. I guess we nearly always see eye-to-eye, and when we don’t, we’re generally more concerned about making each other happy than about getting our own way. On top of that, I suppose we both tend to be pretty apathetic. It’s rare for either of us to feel so strongly about something that we’d be willing to fight about it; it’s almost impossible for us both to feel that way simultaneously.

Bolding mine, and ditto.

Married 14 years and we don’t argue. Rarely a disagreement either. It’s rare when something is just as important to both of us. At the moment we are doing a huge remodel. I know for instance that the color of the floor tile is more important to my Wife than it is to me. While I certainly give my input, and she considers what I would like, for something like that I will acquiesce to her wishes. When something is more important to me, I get what I want too. Works both ways. There is just no point in arguing about stuff.

[B.Serum]

@Ferret_Herder

I can’t figure out the “no real disagreements” people. Extreme passivity, not moving outside their mutual comfort zone, someone repressing their opinions? How would you manage to find someone who never disagreed with you on any issues of substance, ever?

Honestly speaking, we did it via match.com.

But more to the point, it’s not so much not ever disagreeing on an issue of substance, but more so the ability to address disagreements and dissatisfactions in a mutually-considerate way to keep them from escalating into arguments.

[overlyverbose]

@markdash

-We are both logical. She posted on the SDMB long before I did, for example. She was also a card-carrying member of American Atheists (literally). As a result we would rather discuss something and come to a mutually beneficial conclusion (or determine the “correct” course of action) than have a pointless screaming match.

I’m confused. Are atheists all supposed to be completely logical and unemotional? And how does the SDMB factor into that? 'Cause if you’ve ever been to the pit, you’ll run into some pretty riled up atheists.

Anyway, to the OP: I think truly healthy, satisfying relationships with no arguing can exist, though they are probably few and far between. Everyone has bad days. Many arguments start from stupid shit resulting from bad days or from minor annoyances. I’d say that for two people who don’t ever let that kind of stuff affect how they interact with other people is exceedingly rare.

On a more personal/anecdotal level: my husband and I disagree. A lot. I’m more emotional than he is on many subjects; he’s more emotional than I am on some. And we’ve found that, even though we agree on the big stuff, the day-to-day crap can really irritate the hell of out both of us. Still, we usually talk things out. But sometimes they get heated and we agree to a time out before someone says something really hurtful, though sometimes that’s happened anyway.

What’s important is that we both trust each other. Even if we get ticked off at each other, a simple argument isn’t going to mean the demise of our relationship. We often agree to disagree or, after we’ve cooled down, talk it out and come to a satisfactory compromise.

[Anne_Neville]

@enipla

Married 14 years and we don’t argue. Rarely a disagreement either. It’s rare when something is just as important to both of us. At the moment we are doing a huge remodel. I know for instance that the color of the floor tile is more important to my Wife than it is to me. While I certainly give my input, and she considers what I would like, for something like that I will acquiesce to her wishes. When something is more important to me, I get what I want too. Works both ways. There is just no point in arguing about stuff.

This is me and Mr. Neville too, but we’ve only been married 8 years.

Neither of us likes conflict, and we’re both rather lazy. We’d rather leave well enough alone, as long as things are at least tolerable.

[markdash]

@overlyverbose

I’m confused. Are atheists all supposed to be completely logical and unemotional? And how does the SDMB factor into that? 'Cause if you’ve ever been to the pit, you’ll run into some pretty riled up atheists.

Do you disagree with the statement that, in general, atheists are more rational than believers?

I would also argue that SDMB posters are more logical than the population at large. More intelligent, too. I was merely trying to provide a glimpse into the intellect of my better half.

[TreacherousCretin]

Someone I used to work with once told me that he and his wife of 25 years had literally never so much as raised their voices to each other.

I mentioned his boast to another friend who happened to be a psychologist. Her immediate response was that if a husband and wife actually had that history, “at least one of them is an idiot.”

She was shooting off her mouth (as usual) and could have phrased it less hysterically, but I think I agree with the point she was making.

[overlyverbose]

@markdash

Do you disagree with the statement that, in general, atheists are more rational than believers?

I would also argue that SDMB posters are more logical than the population at large. More intelligent, too. I was merely trying to provide a glimpse into the intellect of my better half.

My understanding is that, as a population, atheists are likely to be more educated than the very religious. So more knowledgeable and logical in general? Perhaps. But education does not mean someone will be rational in an emotional situation.

You and your SO are clearly an excellent match. But some of the most educated and professionally logical people I’ve ever met are emotional whack jobs and completely incapable of handling a long term relationship.

[Incubus]

My fiancee and I argue a lot. In fact we and my friend and his spouse are polar opposites. There are a couple of examples of arguments I can think of-

-Having our future kids go to Catholic school. I’m an Atheist, and felt wary about raising kids in religion at an age where they can’t necessarily a conscious decision about how religion fits into their life. I wouldn’t be opposed to my future kids making a rational decision to become a religion when they were older, but raising them in a religion felt lik ‘indoctorinating’ them. It lead to some heated arguments with my fiancee. How did I resolve it? For a long time she balked at changing her last name if we got married. I offered to agree to our kids getting baptized, go to Catholic school, Quincineras, the whole shebang, if she changed her last name to mine. She agreed. But it took a while to get to this point.

-More recent, this evening I had an argument with her over how our thank you notes would be phrased. Not the ones we send later, the ones they get at the wedding. This wasn’t that important to me (but apparently very important to her). She pitched an idea and I agreed, but this angered her because she felt like I was just relenting and not actually stating an opinion or contributing ideas. Because I was tired, I couldn’t really think of anything better and kind of felt like if I came up with something, it would be shot down. So I kept saying her idea was fine but it got her more and more angry. Finally I pulled some random alternate ‘thank you’ phrases out of my ass and surprisingly she really liked one, so that got resolved.

I think people get along for different reasons. For us, we are very different people on every category- different culture, race, spiritual belief system, hobbies, etc. What brings us together is how we can meet each other in the middle, but its not always simple. Some people are picky and will only marry/be with someone who is totally like them. I guess in that relationship its easy not to argue about anything. Similarly if you were raised to not show emotion its easier to stay rational.

I’ll be honest, we’re both hotheaded and stubborn, which leads to heated arguments. I’ve gotten a lot better over the years- when I was younger if I was presented with an idea/suggestion I didn’t like, it was simply a NO! :mad: response to the other person, which easily triggered arguments. I’m learning to stay calm and try to keep myself from raising my voice (which is hard if Im upset or stressed).

Re: Make-up sex. Rachellogram, for us, if we are having ‘make up sex’ we’re not mad at each other at that point. Really, its when we finally reach an agreement, and start getting really constructive/supportive with each other that we get affectionate. I think its this catharsis, this shedding all this anger and frustration that makes being intimate afterward enjoyable, at least for me. Of course, I enjoy the plain-ole ‘sex because we feel like it, no particular reason/trigger’ too

[Incubus]

Also, I wanted to mention my best friend, whose the opposite of us. My best friend is an extremely non-confrontational person. Getting in an argument is something he really dreads. For example, he had a friend crash at his apt once. The friend outstayed his welcome (squatting there for a month, basically). My friend hated it, but couldn’t work up the guts to tell him to just leave- he feared it would be a big huge drama fest and he didn’t want to face it. It drove me nuts, since I’m the opposite, loudly complaining the instant I’m dissatisfied with something, loathing the idea of people taking advantage of me, etc.

When we introduced him to his now-wife, we knew they would hit it off because she’s pretty much the same kind of person. Both of them would rather let the person have their way, or if thats impractical, avoid the problem altogether.

Similarly, they put up with a lot of bullshit my fiancee and I dont- they were henpecked into staying with her parents house (where they still live) even though they don’t get along with her dad and the house looks like something you’d see on the show Hoarders. They get bullied by their families and whine to friends but don’t confront the people who are causing the problems.

So I would say its a mixed bag- Us, who disagree strongly on things, get very vocal but direct, specific, stand up for each other to the death, and help empower each other to be more assertive, and Them, who never seem to fight, but are miserable just the same because they dont stand up for each other or themselves, and just sort of roll over when people bully them.

[Elret]

But why can’t it be in between and still be healthy? Why does a discussion over differing opinions have to get heated? My husband and I disagree on tons of stuff, but manage to find compromises and solutions without raising our voices, and neither of us are idiots.

[TreacherousCretin]

@Elret

But why can’t it be in between and still be healthy? Why does a discussion over differing opinions have to get heated? My husband and I disagree on tons of stuff, but manage to find compromises and solutions without raising our voices, and neither of us are idiots.

No, you’re not. Quite the opposite, I’d say.

I should have written more carefully or kept my mouth shut. “Literally never so much as raised their voices” was a poor choice of words on my part, a result of my being lazy in recalling conversations from 35 years ago.

The point my braggy boss was making (dead seriously) was that he and his wife had never, ever had a serious disagreement, every single moment of their 25 years together having been perfectly harmonious. That was what evoked my shrink friend’s “idiot” comment. And part of the reason I agreed with her was that the boss’s wife was in fact one of the dumbest human beings I’ve ever known.

.

[madmonk28]

This thread has helped my marriage. Last night, I told my wife about it and she said “you’re right, we never really do have arguments.” So I issued a series of decrees and everytime she started to disagree I reminded her that we don’t argue and that I had already said as much on the internet and that it is a federal crime to lie on the internet.

So now:
-All meals shall include a hot dog course
-The basement we are remodeling with new bathroom is my fortress of solitude and I will hold the only key;
-I am allowed to use the Weber grill indoors when it is too hot outside.

[enipla]

@TreacherousCretin

Someone I used to work with once told me that he and his wife of 25 years had literally never so much as raised their voices to each other.

I mentioned his boast to another friend who happened to be a psychologist. Her immediate response was that if a husband and wife actually had that history, **“at least one of them is an idiot.”**She was shooting off her mouth (as usual) and could have phrased it less hysterically, but I think I agree with the point she was making.

I feel very sorry for the people that that woman ‘treats’. I’m sure she is doing more harm than good.

[LSLGuy]

@perfectparanoia

…I mean, if something your partner does or says really bothers you, do you just bottle it up? Calmly talk about it while you are seething inside?

Another rational non-arguer here.

In the almost 30 years we’ve been friends or married, I can’t recall her ever saying or doing anything which “really bothers” me. She’s my best friend. We almost always arrive at the same conclusion independently, although often by comically different paths.

The last time I was seething inside for any reason whatsoever was in the service getting shot at. Seething is for important things in life; not talking to your partner. If you (any “you”) frequently seethe for any reason, fix that; it isn’t healthy. Either that or you (any “you”) misunderstand the word “seethe” and use it to mean “mildly irritated.”
We are both highly aggressive take-charge types. So it’s not a matter of two torpid tortoises slumbering through a relationship. But we’re thoughtfully aggressive, not just reflexively me-first-screw-you.
One of the things we discussed early on was that adults in a sensible relationship never “put up with”. If you put up with, pretty soon you’ll be keeping score. And pretty soon the score will stand at 186,429 to 3. The only disagreement will be on who has the 3. At that point you’re doomed to a life of yelling at each other about the score until somebody moves out. That’s dumber than dirt.

If something bothers you, discuss it. Either the person doing the act exercises the mental discipline to stop doing it for good, or the other exercises the mental discipline to have it stop bothering them for good. If you two can’t accomplish that going both ways, see my prior paragraph.

Some things end up with a meet in the middle. My wife now leaves far fewer piles around the house than when we started out and the few that remain don’t bother me enough to think about, much less mention.
The biggest thing we start with is the idea that neither of us would ever deliberately do something which annoys the other person. The other’s best interests are always our highest goal. So when somethng does come out off-key, we both have the working assumption that it was well-intentioned, rather than malicious. So we work to resolve the misunderstanding rather than react to the attack.

IME, the people I see arguing the most are the ones who believe the worst about their partner’s motives rather than the best. Naturally there are some people for whom believing the worst is the factually correct thing to do. Don’t marry those people.
Finally it helps to live a generally low-stress life. No matter what your personality, stress makes it less nice to be around. If your inlaws are a PITA, live halfway across the country. We do. Live within your means. We do. Avoid high-maintenance activities like lots of pets or a horde of kids. We do.
Being successfully married is the most important thing you’ll do in your life. Do that first and the rest of the crap in your life second. The payoff is huge. The pain & costs avoided are ginormous. IME & IMO, these are words to live by. We do. It works.