I draw a distinction between disagreements and arguments. My wife and I frequently have disagreements, but we never have arguments.
Correct. I believe you answered your own question. It is unbelievable for people to never have any disagreements or any oppositions.
That’s understandable. I don’t draw a distinction between disagreements and arguments.
Exactly. And as appleciders points out, if you care about the other’s happiness more than about getting your own way, things tend to work themselves out with zero drama almost all of the time.
To me, a disagreement is a difference of opinion. It never reaches the state of raised voices or emotional response.
An argument goes a step further. Not only is there a disagreement, but there’s a refusal to compromise or discuss rationally. One or both sides may react aggressively or emotionally. Yelling, cursing, refusal to continue the discussion, etc.
I realize these are arbitrary definitions which aren’t really backed up by the strict definitions of the word, but they define what I mean when I say that my wife and I never have “arguments.”
I do; I think of a disagreement like this -
“I think we should buy a new couch.”
“I don’t think the old one is done yet, and we really don’t have the money right now.”
“Well, the couch really is getting worn out.”
“Yeah, but we just can’t afford a new one right now.”
and the new couch gets tabled for the meantime (until a new hole appears).
An argument is like this -
“We need to buy a new couch.”
“You know we don’t have the money for that.”
“You always say we don’t have money; you’re such a tightwad.”
“Well, you spend too much! We can’t get ahead if you’re always blowing our money!”
and voices get raised and things get heated.
Yep. Disagreements have periods and question marks. Arguments have exclamation points.
I definitely think it’s abnormal but I wouldn’t assume it’s unhealthy. It’s theoretically possible that two people in a relationship can be so laid back or passive that they don’t bother arguing. Just the same, I wouldn’t assume that a relationship without arguments is a healthy one.
I’d say in my marriage arguments are periodic and kind of predictable. The longer we’re together, the more we decide not to bother, but it still happens from time to time. And afterward we hold hands and sarcastically gush, ‘‘Let’s never fight again!’’ Because it’s just a normal part of most relationships.
[QUOTE=tdn]
I was in a “no argument” relationship for over 7 years. It’s true that we were both really averse to conflict, and sometimes one or the other of us would not get what we wanted. But it’s even more true that we agreed on almost everything. And if there was a problem, we’d quietly talk it out. That’s when we went into Total Logic Mode.
[/QUOTE]
I’m trying to understand how this relationship ended if there were never any arguments. How did you figure out it was time to break up?
It totally depends on the couple. The only thing I can’t stand is when people assume a couple that doesn’t argue isn’t healthy OR that a couple that never does is healthier; it’s just a different way of dealing with different kinds of conflict.
I also think it depends on the importance of the topic you’re discussing. Getting into a heated argument about whether to get a new couch would be pretty effing retarded, while getting into an argument about something important, where the stakes are rather higher, isn’t necessarily irrational.
I think it’s a trifle condescending to assume that only irrational people argue, just as it is to assume that only repressed people don’t.
Good observation; I also noticed that the words I used were different in each set; the disagreement had “I” statements and softer opinions, and the argument had more “You always…” statements and harsh opinions.
My mother told me that couples who don’t argue don’t communicate and can’t be assertive to each other. It’s unhealthy to never argue.
From my example, you can see how the argument started about a couch, and went into money issues pretty quickly, and I’d say that isn’t too far from the reality of how these things tend to go - you start off discussing what colour of napkins to buy, and end up calling each other’s parents horrible names.
Angry sex? That’s so not me. Never done it, never will. I can’t get aroused when I’m legitimately mad about something. I rarely actually get mad, though, and when I do it’s for a very good reason (because I don’t think I’m being listened to, or there are deep relationship problems that my partner is ignoring). I don’t get pissy about stupid little shit, I guess I can kinda see how angry sex might work out, if I got worked up over piddly shit like the laundry not being folded or the dishes being dirty or whatever. But there’s no possible way I could be in the mood for sex after a disagreement that’s serious enough to get me mad.
People are weird o_o
I guess for some people no arguing might work. I can’t see it working for me, though.
I mean, if something your partner does or says really bothers you, do you just bottle it up? Calmly talk about it while you are seething inside?
What about debates about politics? Do you not have them with your spouse (ours can get pretty heated, with breaks for research into your position of choice)?
Totally unrelated reasons. Ultimately we wanted different life paths.
[QUOTE=Harry Burns]
"'Cause someday, believe it or not, you’ll go 15 rounds over who’s gonna get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers, garage sale COFFEE TABLE. "
[/QUOTE]
Most of our arguments haven’t been “couch escalation” types; they generally occur when one of us is seriously screwing up, so there’s no chance of effectively capitulating to be agreeable; it would be a disaster. That was more what I meant by “important arguments.” Couch Escalation arguments tend to be the more repetitive sort, I guess, when there’s something that keeps popping up because it either can’t or hasn’t been resolved.
My wife and I have never had an argument. We have occasionally disagreed on minor issues, and once in a while one of us accidentally hurts the other’s feelings, but we’ve never argued. When things happen, we talk. Someone claimed that no arguing = no communication. I couldn’t disagree more. One of the best things about our marriage is how well we communicate. I guess we nearly always see eye-to-eye, and when we don’t, we’re generally more concerned about making each other happy than about getting our own way. On top of that, I suppose we both tend to be pretty apathetic. It’s rare for either of us to feel so strongly about something that we’d be willing to fight about it; it’s almost impossible for us both to feel that way simultaneously.
If my wife does or says something that really bothers me. I would say what you are doing or saying really bothers me and here are the reasons why. If I was really upset, I probably wouldn’t say anthing until I was calmer, but we would talk about it. She’s my best friend.
We talk about politics, pretty passionately, we’re both pretty close on most issues, so I mostly argue about politics with my family.
Ideally calmly talk about it before any seething has a chance to happen. More realistically, the bottling thing has usually worked for me. 
It’s been many years since I’ve dated anyone other than liberal Democrats. What’s to argue about? Whether Bush is a poopie head or a doodie head?
I was hasty in my my answer. I shouldn’t have implied that NO couple that’s well adjusted and happy can exist without arguing. A lot of things about my own situation are bubbling to the surface right now.
My yardstick for a successful marriage is an aunt and uncle who are so well suited to eachother that if they do argue it’s very infrequent. I lived with them for a few years and never saw it.
**Cat Whisperer’s **example is spot on, to me. What I’ve been experiencing is neither. If my husband said “We should shop for a new couch” I would think “Is he nuts? We cannot possibly afford that.” I would say “Really?” and he would say “Just something to think about.” and we wouldn’t talk about it again for a really long time. No progress is ever made that way.