Post about your normal healthy spousal relationship here.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Inspired by this thread, I was thinking it would be good to get a collection of stuff that happens in normal healthy spousal relationships, for those of us fortunate enough to have them!

I certainly don’t expect everyone to post the same things or necessarily agree with each other - there are going to be differences of opinion as to what is and isn’t normal or healthy in a relationship, but let’s see how it goes.

I’ll start the ball rolling with:

My husband and I occassionally have heated arguments where we might raise our voices, but we then give each other some thinking space and come back together to work things out in a reasonable way. We recognise that sometimes people need to ‘blow off steam’ and we let each other do that, but we always end up looking for a solution that we can both live with.

My husband and I both have colleagues/friends of the opposite gender and it’s fine for either of us to go and have lunch with that person without each other.

We regularly discuss our finances, and we have a monthly budget with a personal discretionary budget for each person. Each person can spend their personal budget on whatever they want. Sometimes one of us will spend more than our allowance, and that’s okay. We tend to check-in with each other before making a larger purchase, e.g. my husband might email me at work to say he can get tickets to a concert and I’ll email back to say yes, let’s do it.

2

Jim and I try not to fight in front of other people, and we try not to be nasty to each other even when we are fighting. You don’t have to say every thing that pops into your head; you can bite your tongue and grit your teeth and say, “I don’t appreciate that tone.” Or say nothing at all until you cool down.

3

The particular relationship isn’t any more, but one of the reasons The Bestest Boyfriend is the best one of my exes is our attitude about friendships and hobbies (and one of the reasons he’s an ex is that there was a limit where this attitude broke and I wasn’t good at moving that limit - he didn’t consider it a problem): we didn’t expect each other’s tastes to be identical, we were happy to have both together-time and me-time, we shared friendships (some of them had been common friends before we chanced to meet, some were friends with one of us before becoming common ones) but it wasn’t a requirement to like each other’s friends.

His mother didn’t like me, his stepfather did; all three of us figured that she wouldn’t have liked any woman going out with “her baby” (her 30yo baby, who was more than twice the age she’d been when she gave birth to him). I was civil and polite (and never, ever, got close to the “too sweet to be believed” boundary) and made sure to stay away from getting between them.
Something I’ve seen in a lot of loving relationships is the teasing: both that it happens, and that if at any point the person being teased points out that particular joke Does Not Work, it stops right there.

4

We try to be straightforward in communicating our expectations, and to give plenty of heads-up time if there is something that needs to be taken care of, or a function to be attended.

I think one of the most important things is that we don’t go behind the other’s back and disrupt the running of the household. Major decisions, whether it be about household things, kid things, or money things, are discussed and mulled over before action is taken.

As someone else mentioned, we try to present a united front to the great unwashed. We air our grievances in private and don’t diss or trash-talk each other to friends.

We are kind and considerate to each other; little things like ‘please’ and ‘thanks’ help to keep the relationship pleasant.

The whole idea (to me) is that the marriage and home are supposed to be a haven from the slings and arrows of the world. We try our best to make it so. :slight_smile:

5

Every morning my husband, an early riser, gets up a couple hours before me. When I get up he greets me with a big hug and my morning coffee. There’s another hug before I toddle off for my shower; sometimes he yells goodbye as he leaves for work. At work, we’re both signed in to AIM, and make kissy smilies at each other periodically throughout the day. I work from home, so because I don’t commute, I sign off work about an hour earlier than he does and I try to get the kitchen tidied up before he gets home. When he gets home, we have a couple of hours of free time during which one of us cooks dinner and we both eat. Then we settle on the sofa and watch a couple hours of recorded television together. Then, we go to bed together.

On weekends we mostly do separate things during the day then come together for dinner and TV time, or going to eat with friends, in the evening. Sometimes on Friday after he’s left work he’ll call me to say he’s going to his buddy’s house for a couple beers. Sometimes after work I’ll drive into town for a happy hour with a friend; more often I meet people for lunch.

The housework division came pretty naturally. He’s good at lawn work and home maintenance, and he has to actually leave home for work every day, so that’s pretty much his share of things (and there is some kind of home maintenance project for him every goddamned weekend, too). He also does our taxes. I pay bills and do all the housecleaning and most of the cooking. Working from home makes it really easy to hop up for five minutes to dust the living room or to scrub the tub at lunchtime, and there’s that hour I save every day from not commuting. Errands are divided according to who it’s most convenient for; probably they are split close to 50/50.

I wouldn’t say that, in the 2.5 years we’ve known each other (2 years cohabiting, 1.5 years married) we’ve ever had a fight. Once every couple months we’ll have a misunderstanding and someone’s feelings will get hurt. That person will instantly get hugged and petted and reassured, and if a solution needs to be found, it is found right away. If something’s rankling us, we mention it right away. We both had other crummy long-term relationships before we met, and as far as I know, we’ve both finally found what we were always looking for in each other. We’re both easygoing and grateful for what we have, enjoying most aspects of our lives and not resenting each other. There’s an understanding that we’re always on the other’s side. We never nag or rag on each other.

I think that what we have going for us is

  1. Age. I’m 30, he’s 38. Being young and committed is tough; people really change a lot from age 20-25.
  2. Experience. We both know what a crummy relationship is like, and how long-term relationships can evolve. We know what behaviors and thought patterns are counterproductive.
  3. Togetherness. We spend a lot of time together because we’re best friends in addition to everything else. We share some hobbies and interests, we like the same television (mostly), we get goodnight kisses and good morning hugs, we make love at least a couple of times a week.
  4. We have easy lives. We both have good jobs, and no debt except the mortgage on a house we’re trying to sell. We’re done with education. We’re happy where we live. We have sane, friendly families. Have kids together is the only big adventure we’re facing, and we’re doing that together.
6

Inspired by that other thread:

We have friends of the opposite sex (and, in my case, gay friends of the same gender) and have perfect, open trust about that.

7

I posted in the “did your drama-filled relationship settle down” thread. And yes, it so did. Now when we “fight”, we get mad at each other, certainly, but we apologize for hurting each other’s feelings and then say what is bothering us, we talk over our problems, we both make promises to do better and then really try to. We respect each other and are never so happy as when we’re together.

Ten years ago we had these horrible fights. I was in a very different position then, as was he.

The money thing is a huge thing. People are amazed that I never spend more than $100 without checking with him (and usually I will check with him even for that much). It makes no sense to me not to though. He pays most of the bills. He is very financially savvy and very cautious with money, and it’s not like he ever says no, but it’s not right to take money out of our joint account without letting him know. We’re a partnership after all.

We never, ever fight in front of people. Ever. We’d no sooner dream of doing it than taking off all of our clothes in public.

We don’t trash-talk each other, which all of my coworkers do about their husbands. I don’t like it. I don’t like hearing their complaints about their husbands.

8

We hang out with members of the opposite sex and it has never caused tension. We have been apart for work trips or vacations and, while difficult, it doesn’t cause too much drama. If something the other person does really bothers the other one, the injured party will speak up and talk it through. It’s all a bit boring I guess.

9

My husband currently makes a lot more than I do but it is all our money and we use it as a partnership.

We split most household chores equally and without guilt.

He makes my work a priority even though I make much less then he does. I make his work a priority without bitterness (he travels a lot for work) because of the respect he gives me.

10

My boyfriend and I have been together going on three years now, and we are each other’s best friend. We’re aways there for the other and support the other no matter what. I think a large part of our success is that we’ve each had bad relationships that left us wanting, and now it seems like we’ve found what we wanted in each other. For me, he makes me want to be the best person I could possibly be, and it feels so great knowing that whatever I decide to do he’s right there asking how he can help make that happen. We are a very affectionate couple and like to spend our time at home together.

We’ve almost never had a fight, and I say almost never because it’s kinda complicated. We’ve never had a fight the way I’ve seen my parents, other couples, or even myself in previous relaionships have. A couple times one of us had said something inconsiderate and hurt the other’s feelings, mostly on my part :smack:, but it’s always swiftly righted and made up for. We always try to find a compromise to make us both happy in every situation, and that usually happens pretty easy. It works well when each has the other as their first priority.

Having said that, there have been some rough spots. Once I held him to a double standard, I expressed not wanting him to continue doing something I was still doing, and he called me out on it. I was of course wrong and immediately righted it. And he had a drinking habit that had never caused any serious trouble before until one night I had to pick him from police custody… But that’s another story. I told him that I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t respect themself enough to let that happen, and that he needed to choose, me or the alcohol. That was about a year ago and obviously he chose well! :smiley:

I wake up about an hour and a half before he does, but every morning he still drags himself out of bed half an hour before that to turn the heat on and “pre-heat” the apartment for me (we like it cold when we sleep, not so much during waking hours). I make his lunch he takes to work every day, and always try to put a treat in there for him along with his usual meal stuff, like some cookies, brownies, or fudge. We send text messages back and forth with cutesy messages, but if I haven’t gotten one from him in a few hours I know he’s struggling with something at work (he’s a mechanic) so I send some words of encouragement. I do the majority of the cooking and cleaning at home, but he volunteers to do the stuff he knows I don’t like (carries the heavy laundry, takes out the trash, cleans the bathroom, cooks the breakfast meats that without fail always burn me). He brings me home surprises like my favorite desserts or flowers, and doesn’t complain when a Desperate Housewives marathon comes on! In return, I’ll watch whatever boxing matches come on with him!

He makes about three times more than I do because I only work part time while I’m still in college, but we never argue about money. He takes care of the bigger bills while I pay the smaller ones and run the household budget. We consult the other before making a big purchase to avoid any conflicts.

11

I tell newlyweds that the secret to a good marriage is this: Speak up and Shut up. The true secret is figuring out when to do which.

It never ceases to amaze me the number of people who post advice threads on message boards when the answer should be “go talk about it with your SO.” Sadly, talking about sometimes doesn’t work because the other person isn’t willing to listen or neither party is good at expressing their needs or accepting responsibility for things that aren’t working.

Say what needs to be said. Shut up and listen when the other person says what needs to be said. Keep all the other crap that doesn’t need to be said to yourself. Happy marriage.

Oh and avoid selfishness. Money isn’t the number one cause of divorce. Selfishness is. Selfishness with money. Selfishness with time. Selfishness with self. You put your SO first. They put you first. Happy relationship.

12

That’s something I’ve heard people use as a litmus test for good relationships: they make you a better person.

13

Usually cwPartner feeds the cats and I feed the dog, but if I get home early, I’ll feed the dog *and *the cats.

cwPartner makes breakfast for me and packs my lunch most mornings, even though I’m 40-odd years old and am entirely capable of doing it myself.

14

I work full-time; he works part-time. Without it being a ‘thing’, we’ve evolved a system where, because he works fewer hours, he does more of the household chores. The only time when we’ve missed saying “I love you” to each other each and every day was when he was overseas and I was at home but, even if we weren’t speaking every day (time differences and call costs), we still emailed and ‘said’ it that way. We’ve only had one shouting fight, despite some stressful times; we seem to react the same way, which is to back off a bit until things calm down and we can talk about them and resolve it calmly

15

Thank you for this thread. Shen all we hear is problems and complaints, sometimes we forget what “things going right” is like. And there are those of us who have never had a normal relationship and would like to know what it’s like!

16

We laugh at each others stories, regardless of how many times we’ve heard them before.

We each like to spoil the other person. It’s amazing how much better a mug of coffee tastes when someone lovingly brings it to you.

We agree on all the big stuff, and don’t sweat the small stuff which means we don’t fight. Finding someone who agrees with you is a tough one, though.

We genuinely like each other. He’s the first one I can’t wait to tell about a funny thing at work, for instance. And even when it’s boring and mundane and only significant to one of us, the other one is polite enough to listen.

Problems are faced together, and most often with humor. We allow one another to be silly without ever feeling judged, and the most common way to gently call each other on excessive stupidity or something is a long sigh ending with “I love you.”

We’re good for each other. We’re better people for having found one another. I spent the first year or so being terrified I’d do something wrong and this awesome guy would realize how much better he could do than flawed ol’ me, but slowly realized that just by choosing me, it means I’m worthy. I’m more relaxed, happy and confident than I’ve ever been in my life.

17

20 years and counting.

Be willing to concede an argument even if you think you’re right.

Tell her you love her at least once a day.

Always apologize for everything even if you didn’t do anything wrong.

As cliche as it sounds, we never go to bed angry. We always work it out.

If there’s one key secret for me, it’s my first point. Sometimes you have to be willing to let the other person have their way even if you think they’re wrong. Nothing ever seems as important after a fight as it does during a fight.

Oh, also don’t do anything irretrievable. Don’t cheat (at least not without permission), don’t hit, don’t gamble away your life savings on the ponies, etc.

18

When I have something not nice to say about his family or his friends, I think twice. I suspect he does the same. Very occasionally I still say something, but its even rarer that I’m bitchy about it.

He takes me out for sushi, even though he doesn’t like it. And I’ll sit through Hong Kong action movies.

We’ve been known to take vacations without each other, short ones - with friends. We vacation with the kids. And we vacation as a couple.

He goes to my families with me usually, but not always, and I do the same on his side.

19

My fiance and I have been together for not quite four years. One of the biggest things that keeps us together is a shared aversion to drama. We’re happy to listen to the trials and tribulations of our drama-queen friends, but we are much happier living quietly and uneventfully.

On the rare occasion that we have a real fight, with anger and raised voices, it doesn’t last long before one of us storms out of the house. The other person lets them go, and we each spend five or ten minutes cooling down by ourselves. Then we can come back together, apologize to each other, and talk through whatever problem caused the fight in the first place. But 99% of the time, we can get through a stressful situation, a disagreement or even an argument without it turning into a fight.

We share similar - albeit not exactly the same - religious, political, and moral values. Where we disagree, we respect the other person’s opinion.

We value logical reasoning. If one of us would prefer to do this, but the other person presents a sound argument that it makes more sense to do that, then we do that.

We love to travel together. We’ve both traveled quite a bit on our own, and neither of us thought we would enjoy traveling with someone else as much. How could you, when you can’t just do whatever you want whenever you want? But we enjoy doing similar things, and we enjoy the same mixture of planning and spontaneity. Having someone to share the adventures of travel with makes it even more fun!

We maintain our individuality. I have my own group of friends; he doesn’t dislike them, but they’re not the sort of people he likes to hang out with. He has his friends, and I like them in small doses, but they’re not the kind of people I choose as friends. Where our tastes in music, movies, food, etc. diverge, we try to accommodate each other. He came to my gypsy punk concert, I went to his Police concert. (Ugh.)

As someone mentioned above, we tease each other – but only about things we know are okay. I’ll make jokes about my own weight, but not his, but I know it’s okay for me to make a joke about him being adopted. He teases me about being a corn-fed Midwesterner. (But corn is so delicious!)

I think a lot of it comes down to the qualities that are lumped together into “maturity.” We rely on each other, but we’re not codependent; we don’t take our negative emotions out on each other; we respect each other; we acknowledge when we’re in the wrong, and we don’t lord it over each other when we’re right.

20

I can tell him when I need to be petted on, and when I need to be left alone. He does the same for me. We respect that about each other.

When we disagree, the first thing that pops into my head is “Will this matter in 10 minutes? 10 days? A month?”

We don’t keep score - not money, not points won in an argument, not goof ups; we do remember “wins” for each other at work or in general.

We have good sex, and frequently. We are open with one another about what we want to try and when it doesn’t work, we laugh. Also, the other night after I was putting the ham-fisted moves on him after a bottle and a half of wine (by myself, he doesn’t drink) and burped in his face he laughed and said “You are so hot” and we kept on going. :slight_smile:

A lot like **Sattua **said above - I am 35 and he is 46 so although we are growing older together, we are past the battle of getting out of our twenties. We are both previously divorced with children. Neither of us likes fights. Disagreements are settled quickly and without drama.

And sometimes we send each other a text message that says “Hey baby” - it’s code for “I’m busy but I’m thinking of you.”