Never go to bed angry with each other. Be attentive.
Hmmm… the secret to a happy relationship? People say they want truth, warts and all, but when it comes to unpleasant/inconvenient truths about themselves, they want it softened, sweetened, and avoided if at all possible. Realize that each of us has a subconscious imp that violently protects us from truthful discussions of our errors and shortcomings. Be wary of your partner’s imp, and try to keep your own imp honest.
Shortest thread ever. Ah, well. I enjoyed the responses so far.
I have to say that in the healthiest spousal relationships I’ve witnessed, the two partners are on the exact same keel about sex and money. My parents are some of the nuttiest people I know, they often yell at each other and undermine the other’s parenting, they are often (what I feel is) rude to each other. They may not be great parents but they are definitely a great couple because they put their relationship first, they both enjoy their bouts of drama, and they both are on the exact same page about money and sex.
You’d learn they were a great couple too if you picked up their prescriptions at the pharmacy and among the Nexium and the Lipitor there was Viagra :smack:.
We laugh at each other’s jokes - even the lame ones.
We support each other and if one of us is bagged, the other will make the dinner, do the dishes, take out the trash, etc.
When we don’t agree on something or get pissed off about something we talk to the other one about it and discuss it.
Number one - we treat each other as well a we would a casual friend - seriously - think about how polite and careful you are about the feelings of someone you don’t know very well - we don’t let the fact that we’re comfortable with each other mean that we take each other for granted -well, we totally fart in front of each other and he walks in the bathroom when I’m going and he’ll come in the bathroom when I’m brushing my teeth and totally start laying a turd. We’re totally having two bathrooms in our next house.
Working on 10 years married, 12 years together.
We don’t try to change each other, but support each other in a desire for self-improvement. He wants to get fit? I eat healthy with him. If it doesn’t pan out? That’s OK, too - his doctor says he’s in his range. 2 years ago I decided I wanted to go back and get my degree. He waits dinner on nights I have school, and brings me coffee when I’m cramming for a test.
Communication is also a big thing - or not, as Miss Woodhouse mentioned. I have learned to just let things go. It’s a little thing, and not worth getting het up over. Or, if you have to mention it, follow Dan Savage’s advice - use “I” statements. Then he isn’t doing things wrong, it’s a problem with me that he’s being generous in accommodating. “I get nauseated when you chew with your mouth open… the sound makes me unable to enjoy the lovely dinner you made.” 
21 years married… a few before that. 4 kids, 2 cats (at the same time, the running total is more), a lizard, a few minor rodents…and a lot of good times.
Miss Woodhouse nailed it…don’t be selfish. It’s not about you, it’s about them. I want to make Mrs Bori happy, I want my children to be happy, I want the cats to eb happy (to a a point), lizards and rodents, not so much.
Talk, tease and touch. I find that we are most apart when we dont’ touch. A quick hug, a peck on the cheek…makes it all good.
We do have separate vacations…me and a friend to ride roller coasters, drink beer and eat red meat, she and a friend for a weekend in the city…shopping and …I don’t need or want to know what else. Family is paramount…involve the kids, it’s not about you.
I don’t have all the answers…I’m just damn lucky.
For us it’s just the opposite on the never go to bed angry advice. Many times a fight has been adverted because we just decided to go to bed, and by morning we were feeling much better!
We’re silly. Quite a lot.
He makes me a better person. He’s even, I’m a bit emotional, he makes me temper that and I make him more able to express himself.
We’re pretty compatible, sexually and in nearly all other ways.
He spoils me, I spoil him. He tells me I’m beautiful, and smart. We have each other’s back. I know lots about his job, he knows about mine. We offer advice, we sound out things on the other person.
I’m crazy about him. Suspect he’s also crazy about me.
Compared to my first marriage, this is the most amazing thing ever, even after 8 years.
What you said.
It has the effect of diffusing many conflicts. It also keeps us sane while we’re dealing with the crazy old people we live with, namely, my octogenarian in-laws who both have Alzhiemers.
We laugh quite often and we are unfailingly affectionate, even when we disagree.
We have our own friends, of both sexes, and have no problem socializing apart from each other.
But we actually prefer each other’s company over anything else.
We put up with doing things we dislike, because the other does like it or it simply needs to get done. But we don’t keep score or keep track of points. No “I did this thing I hated just for you so you have to do this thing for me!”
We like each other’s family.
27 years married here.
One big solidifier in our relationship is that my parents were VERY opposed to the marriage. Therefore, in the early days when we ran into normal newlywed rockiness, I was highly motivated to work things out because I was DAMNED if I was going to let my parents be right :D.
We’re both willing to get help if things aren’t right and have spoken to counselors separately and together when we’ve had the occasional struggle. Because after all, US is the most important thing and that’s simply not negotiable.
We keep our sense of humor about almost everything. Laughter helps. A lot.
Neither of us minds if the other likes to “enjoy the scenery” (i.e. enjoy looking at attractive people).
I think we prioritize the minor annoyances that crop up in any living-together situation, and realize there’s very, very little that is worth blowing up over.
We say thank-you to each other, even for doing mundane household stuff. Helps us feel appreciated.
We respect each other- we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. I think it shows that we don’t take each other for granted.
We are affectionate with each other. There was a time, after the kids were born and the difficulties of raising toddlers seemed to consume our lives, that we rarely touched each other. We both felt there was something wrong with our relationship but couldn’t figure it out, until we talked it out and realized we both needed more physical contact from each other. So after we’ve both gotten out of bed, brushed our teeth, and wiped the sleep from our eyes, we hug and kiss. Again before I leave for work, again when I get home from work, etc. Little touches and gentle nudges when we’re working together in the kitchen. It goes a long way, and it also shows our kids that we’re a loving, affectionate couple. That’s important.
We have frequent sex. There are a few places in the house that we like to use as a venue, and after the kids are asleep and we’re nuzzling/caressing, one of us will ask “where should we do it?” It keeps things from getting repetitive.
We tease each other.
I respect her and want to do right by her, and she feels the same way about me. I think that’s really at the heart of all of this.
A little give and take on privacy issues. Sometimes I need to talk through something about my spouse with someone other than my spouse. Or I have a funny story to tell, and it might make him look a little foolish, but that’s ok, he can laugh at himself. To have a trusted friend who won’t gossip - and/or a spouse who understands that telling stories about him is not inherently disrespectful - at the same time understanding where boundaries are is part of healthy.
And sometimes he needs to say “my wife is driving me nuts!”
Nearly twelve years together, eight years married (as of yesterday).
We made promises, and we try very hard to honour them. We both have senses of humour which tend to keep fights from getting out of hand. We consciously practice the “I” statements and never fight dirty or try to be hurtful.
We talk to each other throughout the day, mostly via email.
We say “I love you” between five and twenty times a day, at least. We also say it while we’re disagreeing, as a reminder that, well, we do, and that our marriage is the most important thing in our lives, and it’s our responsibility and joy. Disagreements pass.
My husband and I have some problems, mainly differences in child raising, but we address them (for example, we’re attending a parenting class together in February).
He also knows when to take me seriously and when not to, even when I’m upset. And we try really hard to support the other’s concerns related to the house and our relationship. For example, he knows our lack of organization upsets me. It took a really long time, but he finally understands exactly how much it upsets me. So he’s helping me do something about it. It’s going at a glacial pace, but that’s faster than ever before.
Also, he’s really concerned about finances - we have money but aren’t investing it properly. So I’m trying to help find a financial planner who can help us. Again, it’s going ridiculously slowly because he just started his own business and we have two young children, but it’s at least moving forward.
Heh. This thread didn’t go far.
My boyfriend of 6 years is awesome, and we are particularly awesome at ‘fighting’. We never scream or curse at each other, hurl insults, or otherwise lose control - we take some time to think things over and cool off if we are mad, and then resolve our problem through a coherent and reasonable discussion where both parties get a chance to prevent their point of view, and the solution usually involves compromise on both parts (or less often, one person being totally wrong and a jerk, and admitting it).
My wife and I have known each each other for 25 years and have been married for just over 20.
We have similar senses of humor, similar political and religious views, like most of the same kinds of books and movies, etc.
We touch each other or kiss just about every time we pass in the house.
She cooks, I clean up. She sews, I get stuff off high shelves. We both do the laundry, and we both clean the house. She reads to our boys (ages 14, 11 and 7), I take them camping and do “guy stuff” with them outside of the house.
We listen to each other. We can disagree without being disagreeable. We’ve never gone to bed angry. We’ve never fought in front of other adults, and very, very rarely in front of the kids.
We have joint checking accounts and credit cards, and talk about major purchases, but I also have my own checking account and credit card for stuff I like. She could too, if she wanted to, but doesn’t.
We maintain a united front. Our sons know that an answer or a command from one parent is an answer or a command from the other, too. No “divide and conquer” here.
She’s early to bed; I’m a night owl.
We have friends of the opposite sex and that’s not a problem.
We don’t feel compelled to do everything together. She doesn’t mind me going for a beer or a movie with friends; I don’t mind her going to book club or a gal-pals’ night out.
We get along with each other’s parents pretty well (all still alive).
We spoon in bed when it’s cold out.
We love each other.
While visiting my youngest son (38) he was looking at a picture of my wife and I that was taken at a dinner wedding. He said “You two are best friends”…true after all of these nearly 50 years.
As far as specifics, here are ours:
Don’t complain about our spouse with others.
Allow each other her/his interests. My personal interests are not those that my wife likes, but she is OK for me to be really into mine, and vice versa.
Present a united front on matters of ethics and standards, especially with children.
Help each other with our chores. Not just share the load, but do it as a surprise ever so often.
Be silly and spontaneous at times. Example: I’ve kidnapped her for a surprise 3 day get away to an exotic location. She surprised me with a balloon flight in the wine district of Northern California.
Complement her and thank her for her so-called everyday things like laundry. And she shows appreciation in the same way.
Spend money as if it belonged to both of us…it does of course.
Never call each other names, or threaten in arguments. Try hard to stay on topic when there are disagreements.
I constantly try to make her laugh…still can after all these years!
Have two TVs and a king sized bed with two controls for the electric blanket.
That’s a start.