If you have specific funeral instructions, the will is not necessarily the best place to put them. It might not be read until it’s too late. Prepaid, or clear instructions to next of kin are better.
My MIL was from a culture where an elaborate and expensive funeral was practically required lest others think bad things about you, like you must not have really cared all that much about the deceased. It is also expected that you cry and wail copiously, attempt to jump into the grave and need to be held back from doing so. For these folks, the elaborate funeral was “worth it.”
This is completely opposite to my ethnic group’s practice, which is to remain dignified and restrained. My husband and I agree that the best thing is to donate any useful organs and have the simplest cremation possible, with perhaps a memorial event with good friends and family at some convenient time afterward.
I have it specified in my funeral instructions that I will have the cheapest casket, the one John Does are buried in. The place where I will be buried was paid for decades ago by a family member, and, being as it’s in the country and a little less formal of a cemetery, no vault will be required. I don’t want a viewing either, although a family visitation is okay, Just make sure the lid is nailed down. I think it’s a sin to spend so much money on a coffin.
Are nice clothes worth it? Is yummy food worth it? Are vacations worth it?
We pretty much all spend money on stuff that goes beyond the minimum requirements. The wisdom of any individual choice really depends on what you value.
All’s I want in a funeral is:
[list=a][li] Make sure I’m really dead.[/li][li] Dress me up in a paper hospital gown or equivalent, if even that.[/li][li] Put me in a corrugated cardboard box, if even that.[/li][li] No embalming.[/li][li] Bury me in a forest, where the worms and/or mycelium will do the right thing.[/li][/list]
My brother in law was cremated. Because I was in charge of the funeral, and I’m frugal, it was pretty cheap.
My mother in law picked out a very nice box for his ashes (about $600 worth of box). I wouldn’t have done that (eventually, the box will come my way, and I suppose I’ll have to respectfully hang onto the ashes until my husband dies - but if we don’t crack into that box and scatter them while he is alive, then my brother in laws ashes will get scattered with my husband’s and the box will hit the trash).
We did have a wake, or maybe a reception, whatever you want to call it. Other than the rental of the funeral home, the biggest expense was Jamison (we provided little tiny glasses for people to toast his memory - I suspect some people had A LOT of memories to toast). Actually, two years later my mother in law is still having them - I really don’t want to see my husband’s credit card bill for this month, which I think has a memorial brunch on it for a dozen, then drinks, then dinner (only four or five for the drinks and dinner part). Obviously THAT is not for my brother in law, but for my mother in law, who needs the anniversary of his death commemorated.
For me, cremation, the minimum box to get my ashes home. My ashes planted under a tree or something - but I need a service and a wake. It doesn’t have to be a lavish catered affair, but unless I’m 90 when I pass on, my friends and family will want a chance to gather.
I vary - sometimes, I think it would be super-cool to be buried in some sort of pyramid, with state of the art anti-robbery traps, together with a range of treasures. Otherwise, what are archeologists of the future going to do? Though this would require rather more cash than I have.
However, I am also sorta attracted to having my skull made into a drinking-cup, and used. In fact, I wrote a will to that effect - a tontine with a buddy of mine …
Sometimes the survivors find all the ritual and such to be comforting on some level, which to my mind is the only reason to do such a thing.
I think my family may go with how we handled things when mom died and make it a tradition. The nice crematorium people showed up, made sure no valuables where left behind, zipped her up in a body bag, and took the body away. A few days later we received a box of ashes, which were placed in an attractive receptacle (mother of pearl and brass, mom would have really loved it). Meanwhile, everyone gathered for a memorial dinner at a local restaurant where we spent many hours reminiscing about mom.
While not everyone would like such a thing we found it very satisfying. Costs were minimal. The living were taken care of. No viewing at all - honestly, mom looked better in life, we didn’t need to see her dead.
After my uncle’s funeral last year, we had a dinner at a local banquet hall, and most of us wore our Pittsburgh Penguins jerseys (because my uncle was a big fan), and then after dinner people would get up and tell funny stories about him.
If that’s what you want, you’re better off pre-planning. That way, your loved ones won’t have to make any arrangements. It’s a lot easier on them. That’s generally on big plus in pre-planning your funeral – it’s a huge burden taken off of your family. (Wills usually aren’t read until after the funeral, so it’d be too late)
I don’t think you can specifically forbid people from coming to the funeral, but you can choose who you want to participate in it, as in pall-bearers, eulogies, etc.
Other than certain health practices (burying you in your backyard in a cardboard box would be a huge no-no, as would be a cardboard casket), you can pretty much go as cheap as you want. In fact, those big, airless-sealed coffins or whatever they’re called cause the body to decay much slower, and anerobic bacteria smells a hell of a lot worse. The wooden ones that decay naturally are better.
NOW, if you want the whole dog and pony show, go for it – but be prepared to pay for it. Funeral directors will almost always be willing to work for people who are on a budget, but not for someone who wants all the bells and whistles, but is just too cheap to pay for it.
And can we please stop the stereotype that all funeral directors are greedy hucksters? Granted, quite a number of them are, but most of them aren’t. It’s not an easy job. Imagine having to bury children who’ve died from abuse, for example, and I think you be a bit more understanding of what it involves. And contrary to popular belief, funeral directors are NOT making tons of money. I always laugh when people talk about how rich the funeral industry is. How I wish that were true!
Actually, in some jurisdictions cardboard boxes/caskets are legal - you have to check local ordinances. Also, there are a few places that specialize in “green burials” which are essentially putting an unembalmed body into the ground to decay naturally. Again, check with local laws.
You know, a wire shopping cart would provide great airflow, and they could always push your flaming corpse down a hill in some sort of grotesque parody of a Viking funeral (or a particularly awful episode of “Jackass”)
Wills are often not read until after the burial. From experience
You can preplan.
or
Write it down - guidelines are better (one of the issues with pre-planning is that caskets go in and out of production). Write down whatever is important to you. (No, “On Eagles Wings” no bouquets of carnations and have some food there, please)
TALK ABOUT IT WITH SOMEONE - MULTIPLE SOMEONES. Notes on what you want for a funeral that are found three months after don’t do any good - and people can feel a lot of guilt. Let the someone’s know where your notes are kept - they’ll be emotional and might forget. Make the notes accessible (not on your computer behind a password your relatives won’t figure out). We found my brother in laws about three months later…after everyone swore up and down he didn’t want a funeral, we discovered he had made some detailed plans for the service we didn’t have because “he didn’t want it.”
When you are having this rather difficult conversation - have it at a time before it matters - when you are young and healthy if possible. Its distant and lacks meaning - having it when you have terminal cancer is HARD ON EVERYONE. (And results in not talking about it and finding the plans for the service three months later).
And when you have it, also make sure that your loved ones know your end of life wishes regarding life support, extraordinary measures, etc.
Even if you don’t care what happens ('cause you’ll be dead), if you have people who care about you, let them know what you “want” - so they aren’t stuck during an emotional time trying to guess whether you liked Amazing Grace or hated it and ending up in an argument over it (when, yeah, you don’t care, but they think you might have and aren’t exactly emotionally rational). If you love “On Eagles Wings” I’ll respect your wishes - but unless you specify, I’m leaving it out.
My uncle picked a plain pine box, and was dressed in a plaid shirt and blue jeans, and sneakers on his feet - his choices. He had the usual viewing at a funeral parlor with a request for donations to cancer research instead of flowers, and we had a BBQ at his house afterwards - again all planned by him. He was a very laid back casual sort.
I want to be donated to science and cremated afterwards, and I don’t care what happens to my ashes. I have a menu and music picked out for a party to celebrate my death, and a guest list. And no funeral parlor.
As long as the cart is from IKEA, you’ve got yourself a deal. Great work! In honor of your contributions to the planning of my inexpensive yet dignified funeral, I’m making you one of my pallpushers. Give me a mighty shove that I might see Valhalla before beginning my flaming descent.
When my wifes grandfather died everyone went out to his favorite restaurant afterwards. We all had a good time and talked about him.
You know, I actually felt the man’s presence that night. Almost like he was right there with everyone. He would have been very pleased.
Now in the case of my FIL, I wish they would have done a closed casket because he had died in a motorcycle accident and had gotten pretty banged up. The embalmers had given him reddish orange hair and his face looked wrong.
I had a friend who died about five years ago of terminal breast cancer. She had a “premorial” about six weeks before she died. Wheelchair bound and on oxygen - we were given notice NOT to call 911 if she went during the service.
It was great, I really wish my brother in law had done it (he wasn’t facing the reality of his death until about 48 hours before he died - and by that time he was moving in and out of consciousness and couldn’t leave a hospital bed) but many of us don’t get the “gift” to know we are terminal - having a celebration of someone’s life on their birthday is great - and at 100 you can be pretty sure making a big deal out of it is worthwhile. But if you start at 60 having a “funeral” for yourself every year, your friends will likely get annoyed. Just have a birthday party and assume you’ll live to see the next one - until you get to be fragile.
