Are kids under a lot of pressure to excel?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Since reproductive sucess awaits me this fall, news articles about parenting have been catching my attention.

This article (NY Times, there is an add to watch before the article) talks about teenage girls trying to be “perfect”: get good grades, be active in a number of clubs and activities, get into a good college, and look pretty to.

No one encouraged me to do anything. I kinda fell into my career and ended up going to college as an afterthought. I’m not sure what to do for the Mouseling, but I would encourage a life that has more to it than getting into a University.

Are children being pressured to do a large number of activities and find their life’s passion before they can even vote? If so, why?

2

Yes, they are, and not just middle-class kids.

People tend to think the world is going to go to Hell any day now, and they want their kids to be among the survivors.

But I think the healthier kids have a natural “fuck this shit” fuse that goes off when pressure reaches a critical level, along with a “this is fun, but I really do need to do my homework” fuse next to it. These are the kids who’ll actually survive.

3

My wife and I tell our kids stories about how easy we had it when we were their age: Hardly any homework, allowed to eat junk, and roam the neighborhood unsupervised. Kids today work harder and have a more structured environment than we did.

I blame the go-go Baby Boomer parents back in the 1990’s. They changed the rules for what was acceptable. Now you’ve got to go along or you come off as a bad parent … .

4

Really? I’d never heard of this. When I was growing up (I was 10 in 1985, for reference) it was still considered uncool to care about school or studies or to be intelligent or do work.

Judging by the article it seems as though the pendulum has swung vastly the other way.

I say good. I hated being picked on constantly for being the smart one! However…if it’s true they’re not being allowed to be kids, either, well I think that’s stupid too. That’s the only time you get to completely enjoy in our society.

5

If you’re around Boulder, you’d better start looking for a voice coach, put the kid on the waiting list for the dance studio, and start making friends with the right soccer coaches.

In all seriousness, the answer is yes. It’s much, much more competitive out there than when I was a kid. As a parent, I worry that my kids are going to have a very tough time in a global economy unless they are very, very good at something or are very innovative and entrepreneurial. I have a brother in law who was an engineer at a hugely respected computer firm, but lost his job to outsourcing. If anyone looked to be set for life, it was him, but now he’s 45 and spending his savings while trying to find a comparable job.

Here’s an example - my oldest is a soccer player. The coach posted the team rosters at halftime of a basketball game. Some of the girls who got cut or didn’t make varsity were sobbing so loudly you could hear them from inside the gym. It was horrible. Tomorrow my kids team is going to a private facility that is a full time training lab for teenage athletes. They have professional trainers working one-on-one with kids so they can excel at their sports. There are kids as young as 12 and 13 going there. When I was their age, the only people who had access to that kind of stuff were Olympic athletes.

Same thing for private tutors, music teachers, etc. I wish it were more like the past, but it isn’t.

6

They certainly are among some groups of parents. I still remember taking my kids to swimming class this summer and overhearing two parents introducing themselves and chatting. Literally, the next thing out of one mom’s mouth after her name was “What else do you have your daughter in?” It was clearly understood that a kid wouldn’t be idling around all summer just swimming and stuff.

7

Oh absolutely. It is pathetic.
My oldest daughter is a freshman in high school. Last year she was told to fill out a “Four year plan”, mapping out all of the classes she would take in high school. She was expected to have an idea of what she wanted to do as a career so that she could gear her classes towards that goal. Who really knows what they want to do the rest of their lives when they are 13?!

8

When I was a teen (graduated in 87) I wasn’t given a choice - you get good grades, be in numerous extracurriculars, be involved in the community and don’t question it. The only time I did is when I wanted to quit dancing. Luckily my mom didn’t like the instructors, so it wasn’t as difficult to quit as I thought it would be. However, I was pushed into doing something else, but it was never overt. Rather it was more in the line of “You’re a pretty good swimmer, why not join the swim team?” So I did.

With The Kid (aged 13) I am more overt in my expectations of her. The broad majority of her friends are in the IB program and are involved in extracurriculars. She has wanted to quit orchestra more than once, but since her friends are in orch, she remains also. I did agree to stop private lessons. She applied for IB, but because she has a serious organization problem she has been turned down. So I’m stressing doing the best she can in her “regular” classes even though she is bored silly. The way I put it to her is that I cannot afford college for her out of pocket. She has to get scholarships and aid. Obviously scholarships will be easier to obtain if she is a well rounded student, along with it assisting her into gaining entrance into a school she wants to attend rather one that will just take her.

Some of her friends are of the super structured must be involved in everything situation. I remember how I rebelled when I was a teen and do not want The Kid to be as out of control as I was. I want her to be a kid, but she’s getting closer to the point where she has to see where she wants to be 10 years from now and how her actions now may alter that. It hard to balance it - ease up or be hardassed.

9

I cannot tell you the absolute huge amount of disgust shit like this fills me with. They… are… Kids, let them be kids! My daughter is five… she does great in school… she’s the prettiest girl in the world because I tell her so. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye: This summer she’ll probably hang out at her grandparent’s place on the lake, go to florida and torment her now just walking baby brother. We’ll go do cool things like the zoo and make some pottery, read alot of books and drink coffee while watching cartoons on saturday morning. We’ll go watch roller derby to see mommy kick ass. I talk to some robo-zombie parents and after about five minutes I bow out and just write them off mentally… that whole culture is fucked up and I want no part of it for my children. If that means they’re consigned to slightly less than the pinacle of economic achievement in this horrible new ‘global economy’ then so be it (though I doubt that is going to be the case), hopefully they’ll be happy and well rounded people.

10

The “degree plan” thing for high school isn’t that new; I remember having to fill out something like that when I was in 8th grade… in 1986. Granted, it was somewhat simpler; you basically had the option of the vocational/non-college degree plan or the more academically oriented(read: fewer electives & more english/science) college prep plan. They also recommended taking more math, etc… if we had any inclination toward science or math.

I don’t know how competitive it is for kids these days, but it sure is fucked up to not have roving groups of pre-teen boys around the neighborhood on skateboards or bicycles like when I was a kid. I keep hearing from my soon to be sister-in-law about how kids these days aren’t allowed to do all sorts of stuff; and how they have “play dates”, etc…

I’m surprised at how many parents force their kids to do stuff… my parents were very supportive of whatever I chose to do, whether it was artistic stuff, or sports. Truth be told, my mother absolutely hated me playing football; she was terrified(and rightly so) that I’d be seriously injured at some point. But… she realized that it was my choice, and I’d be the one dealing with the consequences, and let me do it.

I think that’s the rub here… these kids aren’t going to have any real feeling of accomplishment like people who get to choose what they do generally have. They’re just doing “what they’re supposed to do”, and probably don’t enjoy it as much as something they’d choose to do.

11

Keep in mind that in “lifestyle” articles The New York Times almost always focuses on well-off, white, Northeasterners to the exclusion of everyone else in the country. Sure, some kids, probably an increasing number, face way too much pressure to excel. Some face too little. I’d guess that most kids in the U.S. fall somewhere in the middle.

12

It has changed a bit since 1986. :slight_smile: You now have to decided which of 6 “Academies” you want to be in; health and science, fine arts, business, IT, IB, or engineering. Then you have to decide if you just want to graduate, want to go to a community college, go to a state college or go to a high end university. You wouldn’t believe the size of the course catalog these kids have for high school!

I am one of the shunned mothers because I only allow my kids to play one sport and have one other activity each semester. Also, I don’t allow them to play any select sports, only rec. The rest of the time is their own.

13

Granola = Boulder :eek: :eek: Oh well, I guess I’ll be the block’s “slacker mom.”

This is mind boggling! I understand the need to be well-educated, organized and driven to be sucessful but some of this is insane. I’ll be happy if my kid graduates high school, stays away from drugs, doesn’t get an STD or pregnant, and basically stays in one piece (or at least two big chunks).

Also, all of this preparation for a career so early seems futile. Quite of few people have changed jobs because of shifts in their field or to follow their true calling - it may not show up during adoscence. Hell, I’ve been agonizing about my career for months and I’m 30! How could anyone put this sort of stress on a child?

14

Mouse_Maven, I guarantee you there will be other “slacker moms” out there. No one writes news articles about them, though. Millions of parents like you and abbeytxs will raise their children in a sane manner, and I think those children will be better equipped to face adulthood because of it.

15

I’ve got 3 teens. I think that article kind of distorts what I’ve experienced regarding my kids, but is not entirely inaccurate. Nor do I think what is underlying the article (as I interpret it) is entirely horrible.

A few thoughts:

I think the attitude of most of the parents I know reflects a perception that things may be more “competitive” than when we were going to college/entering the job market. In general terms, most parents I know wish their kids to be happy - to position themselves so that they can make a decent living pursuing something they enjoy (or at least don’t hate). I think most parents I know believe that a decent education increases the kid’s ability to pursue their goals - whatever they might be. Gives them the most options.

I guess there is some element of thinking about “building a resume” for college. But instead of steering kids into particular activities, it is more a matter of having your kid interested and involved in something. I know the state school I attended is far tougher to get into than when I went there.

There also is an element of having your kid be active to “keep him/her out of trouble.” A perception (right or wrong) of the world as a more dangerous place.

Another thought is that college is so damned expensive, that it costs too much to spend a couple of years’ tuition for a kid to “find himself.”

It is a different world than when I was a kid, where large numbers of middle aged folks are finding themselves out of work for no fault of their own. My parents, and their generation, had their jobs as long as they wanted them - provided they were moderately productive. I think the changing job market makes many parents feel their kids need to be more successful at an early age - build a better resume, get into a better college, etc.

So while I think the article distorts things by focusing on the extreme of uber-competitive privileged folk, I don’t think it is entirely off-base, nor do I think the behavior it represents (as I interpret it) is entirely horrible.

16

Hmm, I want my kid to excel, but probably not in the ways of some of these seemingly crazy parents.

I hope my kid is a genius and is reading the new yorker at the age of 6, but if it comes at too high of a cost… no way. I think this structuring and pushing leaches the creativity out of children. It is bad enough that the printed word may die off in the years to come, but it wouldn’t be such a big loss if the electronic equivalent wasn’t so terrible.

If you are always busy and your life is so structured, how can you have room for creativity? Sometimes just sitting around watching a sunset sparks a poem or the idea for a song, or a vision of your next painting. When things get busy for me, my creativity gets left behind and that requires me to consciously slow down so I can do nothing but sit and think.

I think all this pressure is just killing our children’s creativity. Busy mind means less of a chance of thinking random thoughts. Still may happen in some cases, of course, but I would imagine it is vastly decreasing due to those forces.

17

I’m 21, so I’m a bit older now than the present crop, but I think I can speak to this issue.

High school was insane. I was in: one of the top engineering programs in the state (I ended up taking 7 years of math *and *science while in high school), captain of the varsity tennis team, captain of the mock trial team, captain of the debate team, I volunteered at the museum, and I did tutoring. All while working part time for my dad and taking a full load of AP/Honors courses.

And yet, I was a slacker among my friends. It was not uncommon to get to school at 6:30 AM for one practice or another, go to class all day, do homework during lunch, debate meeting right after school at 3, tennis practice at 3:30, mock trial practice at 6, work at the volleyball/basketball/football game until 9 or 10, then homework until I passed out at 2 or 3 AM. Of course, that was assuming I got to sleep that night.

I wish I was exaggerating, but we had insane schedules. I suppose I could have not done that stuff, but it was expected, encouraged, and if we didn’t, we’d have teachers and councilors asking why we weren’t living up to our potential.

I was told that if I dropped one of my many activities that were giving me migraines and causing me to feel sick all of the time from stress and lack of sleep that I would never get into college. I was also told that I better get used to this hectic life, because college is even harder (it’s not. Not by a long shot).

We had a running joke that at least once a week in our classes, someone would break down sobbing. It happened without fail every week for my four years of high school- the pressure was just too much for most.

Our teachers were no help. We were told we were the best and most intelligent- and that we should act accordingly. I got a C in physics when I was a sophomore in high school (math and science aren’t really my thing, I’m a writing/history kind of gal) and the teacher told me that me getting a C was an indicator that I was destined for failure in life. She told me that because I couldn’t keep up with my uber math and science centric friends, that I clearly would fail out of college, assuming I ever got there.

I got a 1250 on my SATs and was told that was a horrible score by my councilors. They told me to retake the test, because I had to get AT LEAST a 1400 to be competitive. Oh, they also said that while I was at it, I might want to try to pick up another language- just being fluent in two isn’t enough to be competitive.

In the end, I got accepted to Georgetown. I turned them down and instead go to California State University Bakersfield. I finally have time to sleep, hang out with my friends, and enjoy things like life. It’s fantastic. I don’t regret my decision to turn down that fine institution one bit, even if I worked my ass off for four years so I could get in.

18

[Semi-Hijack]
I think this kind of thing is ridiculous. I went into high school with the same problem. They wanted me to pick (much as described above) a career and everything by the end of 8th grade. I gave it a little thought and picked something really dumb. Of course, by the end of high school, my mind had changed. Luckily I didn’t listen to them about how to schedule classes to gear me towards a career - I took what I enjoyed and what was required.

In college, I finally started to choose a path, but it took a lot of trial and error on my part. I was in business, I found it boring - I was in teaching, I couldn’t deal with the program (why is a grade 7-12 education program full of more classes dealing with k-3 children than the subject you actually plan on teaching? - but that is another hijack). I think it is silly to expect kids to know the rest of their life plan that early. Some people never know, and I don’t think that is right either, but there should be some flexibility for the child to make up their mind.
[/Semi-hijack]

Truth is, Mouse_Maven, I agree with burundi - there will be other “slacker-moms” and slackers might not be all that bad. I don’t think that all slackers are horrible - often they are the most creative and rather talented.

Brendon

19

I can understand why parents push. No one wants their kids to look like crap or turn out like crap. And a kid sitting in front of the TV all summer looks like crap-in-the-making.

I spent my summers sitting in front of the TV and I didn’t turn out like crap. But my mother did push a little. I had to take violin lessons and participate in summer camp, school, and city-wide youth orchestras. On my own, I tutored kids in music and played in a quartet. These were my extracurricular activities, and even though they could be hectic, I think it was good for me to have such structured busyness. Because otherwise, I would have been that kid vegetating in front of the TV. That’s my nature, and I have to constantly fight against it.

I’ve met a few people who had self-proclaimed idyllic childhoods full of freedom and no responsibilities and 0 pressure. I’m sorry to say, but these people aren’t shining examples of very much. They took forever to graduate from college, they harbor resentment towards successful people, and they’re full of “I wish I coulds”. As in “I wish I could play a musical instrument” or “I wish I could speak a foreign language.” You don’t learn these things in adulthood. Kids may hate taking lessons or spending so many hours practicing (I sure did), but they never regret what they learned.

But I think the key is a “little”. A little push is good. Letting a five-year-old be a five-year-old is good, but giving a fifteen-year-old a “little” push is also good. But pressure is bad. When kids are crying, then something’s wrong. When I once dissolved in tears after a long orchestra practice, my mother didn’t yell at me or warn me that I’d never go to college. She let me play hookey from school the next day.

20

I agree with you monstro, a little push is good. When you encourage your kids to learn another language or play an instrument or learn a sport, you are helping them grow. Pushing them to win win win, get the scholarship, be the best. That is when it crosses the line.

My parents didn’t push me, so I never learned to sing, play an instrument, and I only speak one language. I have no resentment for those that have, or those that are successful though.

I just think there is more to success than getting the most AP classes, the highest GPA and making tons of money.