As a child, you may have had these words of encouragement drilled into your head over and over again by parents, counselors, and teachers.
“Live your dream.”
“You can be whatever you want.”
“The world is your oyster.”
As a parent, you may be conveying this notion to your children.
My question is this: Why does our culture push children to aspire to goals which are clearly out of their reach, either academically, athletically, or artistically?
Note that I am not saying the encouragement is bad. I’m saying it is, in some instances, grossly misplaced and forced by parents and teachers onto the children.
But the most detrimental aspect to the “you can do anything if you put your mind to it” approach is that the children who were promised early on that “effort will get you there” are sadly mistaken when they reach maturation. They find that they cannot afford to attend the excellent college, they aren’t skilled enough in basketball, they don’t have the skill required to be a world-renown painter.
They find that the world is a complex place, and that effort is only part of the equation, and that the rules which apply for success in other arenas do not hold up in real life.
In short, I feel that children are asked to “self-actualize” themselves at such an obscenely young age, and that disappointment is inevitable in the midst of such high expectations when these children reach maturation and enter the “real world.”
So why aren’t children told just how rare the pie-in-the-sky is?
Sorry, I’m a bad doper and don’t have a cite, but there were studies done back in the 60’s which showed that if you treated kids like ordinary kids, they ended up ordinary. If you treated them like they were geniuses, they did better. They didn’t necessarily become rocket scientists, but they did better in school if they were motivated, rather than just nudged along.
Plus, what kind of parent, upon finding out their kid is normal, is just going to say, “Oh, well, guess it’s a life of minimum wage drudgery for my kid. Go watch some TV.”
I think it’s because they’re kids Acco, and rather than subject them to the nightmarish drudgery that is the world, we should let them have their dreams and aspirations. I mean, when a little girl comes up to me and says, “i’m going to be a movie star”, i don’t cluck my tongue and say “it’s a tough road, honey, give it up now, you don’t have the hips for it”. I say, “That’s exciting!”
When I was little, I wasn’t necessarily told that I’d get everything I wanted, but when I said I wanted to go to the Olympics, my mom helped me join a swim team. When I said I wanted to be an actress, my mom helped me prepare for auditions…
I was taught that I could achieve what I wanted THROUGH HARD WORK. The work it took to be a speed skater was more than I cared for and so I quit.
Kids don’t understand realism and societies hierarchies, and I don’t think they should, for as long as they can. My god, you only get to be a kid for a little while, forcing a child into ‘hard cold reality’ is something I hope to put off for my kids as long as possible.
Probably for the same reason that when people say “I know there’s a solution for this problem, I just have to find it”, they are more likely to succeed (they try a larger range of approaches and try them harder) than if they say “It’s bloody impossible, it’s not fair, do I have to do this?, why can’t it just be easier?”
I’m not saying that there always is a solution to every problem, but in the cases where there is, you’re more likely to find it if you at least try.
Well, let’s extend it to high-schoolers too, then. I just believe it is negative in the long run to prepare children for success that will (in all likelihood) never come.
I would too. IANAP (psychologist), but I’d reckon that the tone of certainty in your voice may lead that little girl to believe that her goal is realistic (if not probable!) and that subconsciously, when she doesn’t become a movie star, there will be pain there, and she’ll dwell on it while working her menial job.
Just last week, I read about an 18 year old boy in england who hung himself. In his suicide note he said he realized he would never be able to live up to the expectations of his parents.
I’ll bet none of you have any idea how many school age kids kill themselves for similar reasons.
Many of them are discovering for themselves this is the world of lies and shattered dreams. It’s too bad their parents and teachers can’t be honest and let them know this in advance and prepare them for it, rather than feeding them pie in the sky.
It’s still good to hope for the best, but kids should also be taught to be prepared for the worst.
I think it is good to encourage kids to “shoot for the moon,” because that increases their chances of finding a comfortable landing space along their route. Yes, the little girl may not have the looks to be a movie star, but if she loves the film industry and applies herself, eventually she may find an aspect of that industry that is best suited for her. So you make sure that in addition to her acting classes, she learn people skills and math that may help her be an agent, or organizational skills that may help her be a producer or stage manager. Get her a movie camera to open up the technical side, have her help with her own make-up and costuming, etc.
And then when she decides that she really wants to be an astronaut again, start all over again. And as a result of her “actress phase”, maybe she’ll be an astronaut with great make-up and costumes, tremendous people skills, and great camera technique, but unfortunate hips!
I believe it is of value to tell your kids they can “do anything” to the extent it encourages them to try different things, without feeling they simply have to follow the herd, fearing failure. You should continue to experiment throughout your life, but especially in your youth.
Seethruart - big difference between encouragement and pressure.
Seethruart, I don’t have a cite for this (but neither did you), but I venture to say that a lot more kids kill themselves because they receive absolutely no encouragement or involvement from their parents.
I NEVER felt pressure to be anything growing up. I decided what I wanted to do with my life and my parents did what they could to help me achieve those goals. Some of them worked, some of them didn’t. I imagine if I had gone to my parents and said “I’m going to write books when I grow up” and they had said “I doubt it”, I’d be a lot more prone to emotional problems.
Acco says that he sees telling children and teens that they can achieve their dreams is “destructive” and I think that’s a tad dramatic. Would you rather we sat through school being told most of us were destined for the factory? Encouragement and promises of a bright future are what kept me going through my adolescence. Sure, I’m not a movie star, but i also grew up and matured and realized it was too lofty a goal. It’s something each person must learn for themselves.
Acco, do you see that there’s a difference between putting people on a pedestal and encouragement? I never once in my whole life was told “A movie star! Of course! You’re gorgeous and beautiful and talented and a shoe in for fame, just sit back and let the kudos come to you.” If that’s what you were told, you’re right. But I doubt that’s what you were told.
I was told ‘if you work hard and do your best, you may just achieve that goal’
Maybe part of the problem is that we’re raising children who think that they are the center of the universe. We’re concerned about their self-esteem to the exclusion of other things. Low grades make little Jane feel bad? Well let’s get rid of that grading system for 1st graders. Dick feels bad after his team lost the t-ball tournament? Let’s get rid of scoring and give everyone blue ribbons.
Self confidence used to come from acomplishments. Now self confidence is completely divorced from any acomplishments the child might make. As a child I was told to shoot for the stars. But during that time I also had disappointments that taught me I didn’t always get what I wanted. If parents and educators heap false flattery upon young children then they shouldn’t be surprised when they crash and burn as young adults.
Marc
You may be reading too much into “You can be anything you want!”
When I say it to MY kids, I’m thinking neurosurgeon or investment banker or cocktail pianist or beachcomber…all things they COULD be if they worked at it…rather than movie star or rock ‘n’ roll god, which require megaluck in addition to hard work.
It’s better to try and be disappointed than never to have tried at all.
How do you know that the kid won’t be a baseball star or a world-class flautist or a great lawyer if you don’t give them the encouragement to get through some of the small disappointments along the way? Everybody hears voices telling them they can’t do it, that they’re worthless–from people around them, as well as that tiny little voice inside. Why add to that chorus?
There’s a dumb motivational saying, “If you think you can or you think you can’t, either way, you’ll be right.” It’s obvious to any moron that sometimes even if you think you can, you can’t. But it’s equally obvious that if you are convinced that you can’t do something, you’re never going to take the first steps toward success.
It’s wrong for parents and teachers to push their unreasonable expectations on a kid. No duh. You’re going to have to wait a long time before you find someone who says, “Yeah! Kids should be pressured to do the impossible!” It’s also ridiculous to make promises to a kid that the world can’t keep. “Don’t worry if you can’t master trigonometry, Jimmy! You’ll be a great engineer someday anyway!” is considerably different from, “I see that you’re getting a C- in Trig, Jim, but I believe in you. If you are willing to work hard, your math skills will improve.”
It’s wrong to quash the kid’s hopes if they’re doing something they love and there’s any chance that through hard work, they’ll be able to achieve what they hope for. Yeah, they may fail, but here’s the key: if they’ve grown up in a supportive environment and have a good sense of self-esteem, they’ll be able to pick themselves up, learn from their mistakes, take the experience that they’ve gained in the failed pursuit, and choose a new goal.
Well, my dad came from a culture where achievement was not encouraged. “Who do you think you are? You’re not that special! You’re not that smart! Why do you think you’re so much better than everyone else?” And this was just for dreaming of running his own business and being his own boss, instead of working in a factory like everyone else. Dad hated the lack of encouragement, and did follow his dream, and succeeded.
As a result, I was encouraged to follow my dreams. No expectations or demands, except to try and do my best. I had his example of someone who worked hard at what he liked, and was respected for what he did. So I tried to do the same, only in medicine, not in business.
Go for it. Try. Failure is very educational, and nothing to be ashamed of. That’s what I’m teaching my kids. Better to try and fail, than to sit around regretting never having tried.
I would tend to agree. Encouragement must be used with children, but not at the expense of a healty dose of reality. We teach kids, “You can be whatever you want.” And that’s great. But what about “You can be whatever you want, but these are the limitations you will face. These are the limits of your capacities and these are the obstacles in the real world. So, in all honesty, Jimmy, the chances of you being a brain surgeon are pretty slim. But hey, it’s your life to ruin. Do what you want.”