This is partly based on a real life event, as my sister has recently decided that she’s going to make a living as a Hollywood actress. I don’t know when she got so starry eyed, and have been pointing out reasons why it’s not going to be as easy as she’d like to believe it is, and am pushing for a backup plan. This tactic doesn’t seem to be making a dent, as of yet. I once volunteered for a free program to help kids with math, and met kids who didn’t wan the help, since NBA stars don’t need Course 1 (NY’s freshman math). There are also kids who struggle in high school, yet dream of going to great universities and getting several degrees. Even realistic plans have a habit of not working, no matter how carefully they’re layed out.
I grew up during a time where everyeone was special, and anyone could do anything if you put your mind to it etc. Obviously, this isn’t the case. Of course, it wouldn’t be good to go to the other extreme, and tear a person down before he gets started. Maybe the kid is right, even though the odds aren’t in his/her favor. *Somebody * has to be the next big thing, and you don’t want to be left out of the acceptance speech for being so cynical.
What do you think is the best way to steer kids into reality? Has anyone been the kid in this situation? Did you outgrow your huge dreams on your own?
I’ve never been in that situation with a kid but have found myself there with friends and I just smile politely and nod when they talk of starting their own business, publishing a novel, or some other unrealistic dream (for them). The way I see it is that it’s not my place to disabuse them of their dream and it will only make them angry or resentful if I try.
I don’t think you need to crush their unrealistic dreams but certainly one should make the kid aware that things don’t always turn out the way we want and that it is always a good idea to have a back-up plan.
So you can encourage her to strive to be an actress but immediatley make it known how many people try for it and end up as waitress’ because they did not have a back-up plan.
Also you can tell her that she might become an actress one day but decide she doesn’t like it and that having the back-up plan of another of her interests could help her avoid becoming a waitress.
So to all kids with big dreams I say encourage them but remind them of reality.
My best friend is fifty, and has been pinning her hopes this last year on becoming a screenwriter. She’s living off her inheritance and I keep trying to suggest that a job that provided health insurance and an income and writing on the side would be a better choice. So far she’s oblivious. She said she can live for another year on her inheritance, but what’s she going to do then? She’s always been under-employed, working retail and retail management, but now she’s not working at all. She’s entered several scripts into screenwriting competitions. She’s going to end up with no retirement and no skills to carry her through the rest of her life.
I don’t think it’s your or any parent’s place to decide what is a realistic goal for their perfectly able child, much less their dreams. They’re dreams. They don’t need to be tethered by reality.
Yes, it’s unlikely that she’ll be a Hollywood actress. But rather than telling her why it probably won’t happen, why not help her see exactly what’s involved? Enroll her in acting lessons. Familiarize her (and yourself in the process) with what actors do to get work and to prepare for roles. Learn about how often acting jobs come and what they pay. Let your sister come to her own conclusions whether she wants to do all this work and is prepared to dedicate herself to it.
You have concerns whether she’ll blow off education because she may think actors don’t need to know history, economics, etc. But you can always point out that actors never know what role they’re going to play and therefore can never know what information will be useful. Point out that actors frequently do research and hands-on experience to prepare for their roles. Point out that being smart and educated will help her analyze and understand roles better, and manage her careers and finances better.
And yeah, even with all her dedication and preparation, she may never become an actress. But you’re not helping her prepare for this disappointment by telling her it’s not a realistic goal. You’re just telling her she’s not good good enough and doesn’t have a chance. Tell her it’s ok if she doesn’t make it, and that it doesn’t mean she’s a failure. Tell her by doing well in school and putting forth effort, she will be well prepared to pursue something else, whatever it may be. Help her emotionally prepare for reality instead of just discouraging her from what you don’t think she can accomplish. Let her come to her own decisions as to what is a realistic goal and what’s just a dream.
My’s mom’s friend always told her son to get a real job, quit dreaming, that he would never be a rock star, etc. She had to eat her words when his band became famous. Perhaps you’ve heard of them. They are called Smashmouth.
I’m just saying, you never know what’s going to happen.
To me the problem isn’t when it’s their dream, but when it’s their vauge ambition, when they seem more interested in the idea of being a certian type of person (a writer, a rockstar, a doctor) than actually doing any of those things. I’d never tell a kid “You aren’t smart enough to be a doctor”, but I have told 16 year old kids with low test scores, crappy grades and no evidence of real passion: “If that’s that’s what you want, you are going to have to work a hell of a lot harder than you have been. You can’t get into medical school with a 2.0 in college”. I am sure a few of them would say I stomped on their dreams.
How old’s the sister in the OP? And does she want to be an actress or ‘a Hollywood actress’? Is she more interested in going to the Oscars or, well, acting? If she is about to make your parents spend their savings on child star training and renting a room in Hollywood for pilot season, then yeah, you might want to do a bit of crushing. But I see you’re in New York. There are plenty of theatres and opportunities for aspiring actors right at home.
I know a kid who wanted to go to law school and eventually become a judge. I told her that she would need to pull up her 2.0 GPA to get into a good university. I showed her some college textbooks, and explained that would be the level of studying required. That’s simply reality. She shied away from that level of study.
She did choose to attend college, and is doing well, with a little extra help.
I don’t see any reason to crush anyone’s dreams. Hollywood actresses have to come from somewhere.
Focus your energies on finding actresses who hit it big with a college degree under their belt [I am compelled by my shamelessness here to mention that Susan Sarandon went to my mother’s alma mater; Glenn Close went to mine]. Point out that Jodie Foster and Brooke Shields both pursued Ivy League degrees despite already “having it made” by college age.
The crushing was hyperbole. I wouldn’t stand for anyone telling her she’s never going to make it, and we’re actually doing a lot of the things you brought up AudreyK. I didn’t include the whole story, because the thread really wasn’t meant to be about us, but anecdote on what made me start thinking about the larger issue. Since people have been asking though, she’s fourteen, and has talent, but is a slacker. Since we don’t live in a city, there will be no acting lessons (although she could get into Drama), but she’s always been free to take any classes that are offered around here, and has tried various instruments, cheerleading, voice lessons, dancing etc. She wants to be a Hollywood actress, with a musical career on the side, just like, well I’m drawing a blank on an example but…Oscars, People Magazine, dropping by TRL to promote her latest project. No small time theater or anything like that.
How bout you encourage her to study both acting and film? That way she can actually get a job (non-acting) in the industry with her film degree, and while she’s on the set she can casually drop hints to the director that she’s also a trained actress, just in case she needs someone for her next movie.
Just a thought, inspired by my former coworker at the coffee shop who found that if you get good grades as a film major and build industry contacts by doing lots of free work in LA, when you graduate you’ll find it pretty easy to get a well-paying film job (at some indie studio, at least). All the hard work (as a UCSD undergrad, she drove up to LA and back nearly every weekend to do laborious tasks on the set for little to no pay) without all the reliance on dumb luck.
ETA: Or, for that matter, acting and music. It may be tough to break out in the music industry, but I bet it’s a lot easier to get a decent job than in acting, with the same level of education/skill–don’t most major record labels hire a sizable number of full-time musicians?
Some of my dreams were a bit ambitious for me, but I found that working toward them made sure I was at least doing something productive even if I eventually fell well short of the ultimate goal. If you can get her to think about “I need to do X because I want to be an actress” instead of “I don’t need to do X because I want to be an actress” that would be a good start. For a start, I’d encourage her to get involved in whatever local theater there is in your area, either high school plays or volunteering with community theater.
I think playing up the role of luck is a good thing. My husband is planning on winning a Pulitzer Prize for his revolutionary, awe-inspiring, best-selling Great American Novel. HOWEVER, he knows that there are huge gambles in this field. He can be extremely talented, work very hard, and still not be in the right place at the right time. Emphasize the need to have some way to pay the bills and even be happy with her life (!) until the big one hits and she’s writing her acceptance speech.
Really, though–you’d be surprised how many people think they’re entitled to have their name in the NY Times Top Ten just because they put in the time and effort to write a Master’s thesis. You can easily work your butt off for a whole lot of nothing, if you decide to go into the arts.
I think one of the things that was missing from the career advice I was given was the idea that there are many different jobs within a field. It might be more realistic to encourage the field of theater/film if she really seems to like it. You could probably even frame it in a way that would appeal to a 14 year old, so that the backup doesn’t seem so much like an emergency plan. She could be an actress that designs her own costumes! She could be an actress that directs her own films! Okay, those are still rather glamorous in the scheme of jobs in this world, but I think it supports the idea of a wider skill base.
I totally agree with this. A good portion of the reason I studied accounting was because it was a degree involving math that rendered me immediately employable. If I’d known what I could do with a math degree other than teaching, I might have done that instead. But I somehow felt that a math degree = teacher and knew that’s not what I wanted. Little did I know…
I was the only one of four parents to encourage a step-child to follow the dream of becoming a rock-star. My only advice was to work hard, and get a day job.
“You like music? You must be good at math. Anyone will do the lead guitar, but smart people are hot for some one who can do their taxes. Become an accountant. Then work on the rock-star.”
Said child has decided to get a degree in accounting, while managing a hot local band.
The aspiring actors I have know have all become ace sales people, in a variety of industries. They also tend to be active in local politics or theater.
All the sucessful engineers I know are STILL working on their dream multi-billion dollar patent. Most have a minor patent or two under their belts.
My point?
Hell, yes, discourage dreams. The truly committed artist will strive for them against all odds.
Those only talented will translate those talents into nice, lucrative careers and artistically satisfying ‘hobbies’. That’s not a bad life.
In addition to studying drama, Omega Glory’s sister could try auditioning for a local theater. It may not be Hollywood glamour, but it is good, solid experience. I’d also suggest finding out what the background of the stars she admires is. It seems to me a lot of “overnight successes” have actually had years of hard work behind them. For musical experience, try joining a church choir or other choir (I sang with local branch of the SCA’s choir for a while). It will give her experience reading music, working with a director and working with harmony. If she’s good enough, it could lead to solos. If she isn’t, and you can convince her it’s not due to politics, well, let’s just say it’s an indication she’s got further to go than she thought.
Reality tends to be harsh and unpleasant, especially to those who’ve been shielded from it. Some people beat the odds; most don’t. Look at American Idol. I think everyone who goes on that show has a glorious dream of fame and fortune and a wonderful career. Only a few come even close, and we don’t even see the ones who audition and fail to get on the show. Banking on becoming a Hollywod actress is a bit like banking on winning the lottery. It’s nice if it happens, but it’s a shaky way of paying the bills. On the other hand, at least hard work increases the odds of succeeding as an actress.
I remember my dad saying to me that no matter what you do there’s someone out there that does it better.
It disappointed me and made me cynical for years. That one quote. I never really aspired to do… well… anything… For years.
And the odd thing is my parents were extremely supportive and involved… I was in many youth activities and lots of outdoor things… Lots of stuff… Not your typical “sit in front of the tube” childhood… And strangely that one quote messed a lot of my inspiration up.
Well, that’s the second disappointing childhood memory thread I’ve dealt with in the last few minutes.
No, I haven’t, but that’s beside the point. These are the only stories you ever hear. For every “They told me I couldn’t do it and I did it anyway!” story there are twenty “They told me I couldn’t do it, and whaddaya know, they were right” stories. For every sports star there are a hundred failures. It’s important to realize this early on, not so you’ll give up your dream, but so you won’t spend the rest of your life poor and in a menial job because you thought you were going to make it big.
You can easily work your butt off for a whole lot of nothing, if you decide to go into the arts.