I’m currently the wife in this type of situation. Adjustment was slightly difficult for both of us. I felt (and still do sometimes) guilty for not knowing every single detail of their lives; how much they eat for lunch & what time, if I bring one of them to the doctors I sometimes have to call him to find out how much they ate or went to the bathroom that week. He caught some crap from some friends who didn’t know better yet, the same kind of crap you’re scared your friends will give you. Once the friends saw how much work it was to be with the kids they stopped bothering him about it.
I would say it has caused less stress on us as a family because we were running around getting us and them ready in the morning (1-2 hours not including our commute to work) then running around in the afternoon to pick them up, homework, baths, stories, bed, packing/clothes/food/bag for the next day. By the time we cleaned up the kitchen it was after 10pm. All that and we were only doing little better than breaking even on the child care. Since I had the insurance he stayed home. Mornings and evenings are a lot less stressful.
If you want to know what the rough patches can be I’d say make sure you each have time for yourselves alone, so you can have conversations with your wife that don’t include the kids. Don’t take the attitude that it’s the weekend and you’re off now from watching the kids, because this would cause your wife to have no weekend either. Have a plan laid out in case it doesn’t pan out the way you thought it would (kids too much, more income needed, etc.) Do you go back to work? Take a part time?
My SO did much better after he remembered to only straighten up the house around 4:30 (just get messy again) and that kids just want to be kept busy, depending on their age, they’ll be happy to help you do anything: cut veggies, measure ingredients, sweep, vaccuum. Also that fresh air during the day makes them fall asleep better at night. (no cite, just personal experience)
Suspenderzzzzzzz, are you just looking to pick a fight with that charming little bit of sniping you felt the need to share with us? It’s a personal problem and a personal failing on your part, end of discussion.
Mr P works from home and was pretty much primary parent for a year when I was studying. There were areas of conflict, mostly around housework. IMO you need to sort out a baseline of what is comfortable for both of you. I don’t think the SAH parent is there primarily to do housework but the person who is at home needs to do some at least.
I stayed at home for 2 years after my daughter was born. It was great. i did some free lance work that sorta paid the bills.
It absolutely killed me to go back to work, take a two week business trip (almost the first time away over night and the first long trip away from China bambina), and then be pushed away in the middle of the night for Mommy. Bambina and I were really close and a single 2 week business trip, suddenly that link was gone. I travel 1-2 weeks a month now (and no longer than a week at a time), and bambina and I are getting closer together but not as close as we were.
Anyhoo, I liked being stay at home even though now I’m fast tracked on a hot career with a huge amount of influence to the top levels of a $50 billion dollar revenue company.
Is it possible that you can retain your present insurance even after you leave your employer? Wasn’t there a law passed a few years back to allow people to do so? Your premiums may go up, but it might be better to stay with your current company’s plan.
A bit of online research might reveal some companies that would meet your needs.
I don’t mean to pry into your financial situation, but if your income is low enough to qualify, some programs will cover the children’s medical insurance for very low costs.
Many doctors and hospitals also set their rates with a sliding scale: lower income families pay less.
First off, I think it’s great for you to stay at home. You may want to find a small “at home” job that will keep you sane though, like ebay. Hehe.
Anyhow, think of all the expenses you may have now from working. I think 20/20 did a break down of a lot of the costs of both parents working and over they found out that it either evens out or you come out ahead.
Things like day-care. You are probably shelling out more than $400 a month, right? Well, there you’ve paid more than half of what you said earlier with regards to insurance.
(To slightly highjack my own points here, you can get self-employed benefits through a plan that pulls in other self-employed small business owners…I paid the same as my friends at a client’s large company I consulted for that they paid out.)
Do you often go out to lunch with your work buddies? Sit down and tally up how much per month you are spending if you do.
How about gas, wear and tear on the car, etc…including insurance that gets you to and from work, day-care, etc… you may be able to drop down insurance rates on one of the vehicles if you state it isn’t used in a commute to work. Place that into your figures.
Oh and most importantly, the cost of your child being raised part-time by someone else? Now I am not blasting two income families or single parent families but there is a lot of value to a child to be able to have one parent at home for the first years.
I am sure there are other things, financially to think about where you probably will be saving money but those are a few points I remember.
I’ve been a SAHD for about a year and a half now. When my daughter was born my wife made more money and had better benefits although we did very similar jobs because she worked for a large corporation while I worked for a small local company. It’s made alot of sense for us, there was no way I wanted to put my infant daughter in daycare (she has not been sick a day in her life yet) and have everything I made go towards childcare expenses. So I spend lot’s of time with the kidlet, I cook (which I did anyway), keep the house in passable order (which is about all you CAN do with a toddler running about) and do the shopping ect. I’ve gotten alot more positive comments than negative ones, the negative ones are more along the lines of thoughtless or inconsiderate comments than anything truly malicious. It’s very easy to feel isolated be SURE you have some alone time as well as some kind of social activity where you can talk to adults other than your spouse. Do remember that your wife is also doing something unique and has to deal with a certain amount of guilt and perhaps jealousy towards you. Have fun with it… even with the amount of time I spend with my little girl I look at her and just can’t believe how fast she’s growing. I just want to make the most of it.
My father stayed home to raise me and my 3 siblings. Did all the things you’d expect of a SAHD but without the ovaries. And I’m certainly not scarred for life from that…
[sub]From other things, damn straight, but not that;)[/sub]
Can you take your current insurance with you as COBRA? It might be better than starting cold on a new policy.
When I started my first “real” job, my new employer didn’t cover medical for the first six months of employment. I got a policy from my State Farm agent to cover the period for my wife & me (no kids then). I stated my need as “I need coverage if I get an arm ripped off in an accident but don’t need regular visits to the Dr. covered.”
He fixed me up with a basic hospital policy for cheap, less than $200 IIRC for six months, two people. This was 12 years ago, though.
You can go on COBRA (Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act of 1986) up to about 180 days, I think. COBRA coverage is a continuation of your past benefits from your employer; it’s meant as a temporary coverage “bridge” until your next plan starts. Only there’s no employer contribution anymore so the rates can be astronomical. And the premiums are not deducted from your paycheck on a pre-tax basis anymore, which may also be a problem (your plan may not be pre-tax, YMMV).
I think you’d probably do better getting in on a self-employed, small business co-op type plan. A couple internet searches ought to find you some of those. All else fails, try your state’s Department of Insurance web site. All kinda goodies about alternative types of insurance available.
The important thing is to not allow coverage to lapse. Go on COBRA if you can’t find anything private. That will give you time to come up with an alternative. If you have concerns about pre-existing conditions or waiting periods or are denied for coverage for any reason… Go back to your employer’s benefits dept./person and ask them for a HIPAA Certification. (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act of 1996). A HIPAA cert. means the previous carrier certifies that you were and are eligible for coverage and had continuous coverage for the past 60 days. You cannot be denied, by HIPAA law, for a new policy if you have a Certificate of Creditable Coverage from your last carrier.
Once you get that far, feel free to e-mail me with questions. I work for a company that administers benefit plans – including COBRA, Retiree benefits and HIPAA requirement compliance. If I don’t know the answer, I’ll try to research and/or point you in the right direction. My e-mail address is in my profile.
BTW, go for it. The CEO & President of the company I work for? Her husband is a SAHD. Since the kids were born. He coaches soccer, does the laundry, etc. She runs the family business and brings home the bacon. While the company is 80% women and fairly progressive in the first place… all the women there look up to the Pres. Everyone respects them for the choice. YMMV
I got laid off in early October of last year and my wife and I did some number crunching and discovered that it was financially feasible for me to not work and take care of our 2 month old daughter. So, I became a stay at home dad.
Now she is almost 6 months old and I am sooooooo happy that we made this decision.
You may never get a chance to watch your little ones grow up, so like my Apple Blossom Princess of a sister would say “like, just go for it!”
I think it’s a great idea, do it! I’ve known some SAHDs and absolutely none of them were pathetic. My BIL is planning to stay home when they have kids, which gives me great satisfaction as I’ve thought for years that he should.
If you can’t find enough dads in your area to hang out with (which is probably a good idea), don’t stay away from the moms! A lot of them will probably think that you’d be uncomfortable hanging out with them, and so might not invite you to join activities, so you may have to be active yourself in getting friends. But not all mommies talk about nursing and childbirth to exhaustion–it just depends on who it is.
(And Suspenderzzz, what is with the sniping? It’s none of your concern what we choose to do with our lives.)
My husband is a musician, so he works nights. During the day, though, he’s an SAHD. He LOVES it.
My family thought it was a bit odd at first, but that’s really just because no one in my family had done it before. Not that they didn’t entertain the notions, just that they neve really had the chance. Now, they’re jealous of my husband, and wish they could have done it.
My BIL is planning to stay home when they have kids, which gives me great satisfaction as I’ve thought for years that he should.