Are ya happy now? YA FUCKING GOAT?

The BBQ Pit
1

And I mean you…DON BAYLOR

What the fuck people? I MEAN REALLY. WHAT THE LIVING FUCK? Is it true that I shall never live to see the Cubs field a goddamn decent team for two consecutive games?

OF COURSE Kyle Farnsworth’s foot fell off walking out of the bullpen. That’s just…OF COURSE.

Jeff Fassero is in the dugout regailing us with tales of how when he was younger he’d tie an onion to his belt 'cause that was the style at the time.

Flash Gordon…wow. Flashing his way into oblivion.

And Kerry. KERRY. God you know I love you. I love you in the way only a woman can love a scraggly texan. But good jesus lord my man. Every fucking day it’s something new! My shoulder hurts, I chewed my nails too short…my elbow is killing me, I have a blister…MY VAGINA HURTS. If the choice is YOU or Glass Joe from Mike Tyson Punch out…I’m gonna be up late worrying about it.

Moises Alou! Hey, welcome to town. How the hospitals treatin’ ya? The physical therapy offices? The restaurants? Bars? hookers? THE FUCKING BANK? You should stop by Wrigley Field some time if you feel up to it, you fucking cockfuck.

Psst…joe girardi…I’ve got a little secret for you. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO HIT THE BALL OUT OF THE INFIELD. Just thought you might want to sock that info away.

I won’t abandon you…and that’s the hell of it. You know I won’t. You know I’ll be there, watching, listening, attending EVERY FUCKING GAME. But let me tell you something…NOT ALL OF YOUR FANS ARE MASOCHISTS.

jesus christ…all this for a fucking goat.

j

2

Ya left out Sammy jb… and the bat boy.

3

I’m not going to rate this rant as I know absolutely nothing about sports, so my analysis would be based on sheer profanity alone.

However, I did want to point out that “If the choice is YOU or Glass Joe from Mike Tyson Punch out” made my day. I used to love that game (back in my arcade days. I don’t think it had the Tyson moniker then). What was the second guy’s name? Hurricane something or other? Oh yeah, “Bald Bull”.

4

I understand how you feel. Perhaps they are just trying to spare you the pain of high hopes, knowing that the Astros will again win the division?

(Anyone that does rotisserie and doesn’t have Daryl Ward is making a big mistake. I don’t play, but this guy can really hit)

5

Boy I sure am glad that we gave you Don Baylor. Of course the Rockies haven’t done too well without him either. C’est la vie.

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Sure, come on everyone! Give us your tired, your poor, your faint of knee.

Todd Hundley? Sure, we’ll take 'em
Don Baylor? Send him over.

Uh Oh, Don doesn’t like how Oscar Acosta is looking at him “MAKE HIM STOP LOOKING AT ME”

Get Oscar out of here, he’s making Don look bad.

Moises Alou…the greatest player ever! For three games a year. We’ll take 'em! Sure!
grrrr

7

This is why the Cubs should never win the World Series. After all, what would their fans do with nothing to bitch about?

Please feel free to substitute Red Sox for Cubs if needed.

8

yeah, and what other fish would be in the barrell for you to shoot?

9

Speaking as a long-suffering Red Sox fan, I must submit for your approval -

The Cleveland Indians

10

Yeah, if the Indians would stop beating the Twins, then maybe you could bitch.

But I think this is the year for the Cubbies. 120, 130 wins, easy. They’re just in a slow start.

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shut yer hole bitchfucker. In the business we call you a JINXER, you JINXERCOCK

12

How long’s it been? 1908? 1909? They’re due, I tell ya!

13

Today’s game showed more of their typical INCOMPETENCE!

Eight inning, Sammy homers, score Mets 3, Cubs 1. Cubs go on to load up the bases, with one out. Borowski, the pitcher, is up, so they pinch hit Encarnacion. So what do the Cubs do with bases loaded and 1 out? Why, hit into a double play of course! He hit it back to the pitcher for the double play. WTF is that? All he has to do is hit a base hit, or a sac fly, or even get the walk. No can do!

Ninth inning, Cubs bring in Zambrano to pitch. They brought him up from the minors to replace Kyle of the sore footsie. (It was reported in today’s Chicago Tribune that the Cubs organization had some trouble locating Mr. Zambrano–they didn’t know where he lived! More incompetence!) Anyway, Zambrano gets the side out 1-2-3. So far so good.

Bottom of the ninth, Bellhorn hits a solo homerun. Mets 3 Cubs 2. Next, the aforementioned Girardi is up. Uh, oh. But he gets a hit! Girardi on 1st. Delino Deshields sacrifices, Girardi to 2nd, 1 out. Can’t remember now if Brown or Patterson was up next, but he sacrifices, Girardi to third, 2 outs. Next up, Sammy! Now all he needs is a hit to score the tying run, another homer, while not expected, wins the game. So what happens? Weak pop-up to short, game over.

We know at least some of these guys can hit, but not apparently when it counts. The Cubs have left something like 50 men on base in the last 5 games! AARRGGHHH!

My company is taking us to a Sox game next week, where maybe we can see a Chicago team actually take the trouble to WIN A FUCKING GAME ONCE IN AWHILE! :mad:

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“I ran dickety-two miles after that baseball, but it got away…”

No, I have no idea who Jeff Fassero is. I just loved the reference.

Damn. Bad baseball. Hit jarbaby’s hoo-hah. Wrong kind of ball to go down there.

:smiley:

15

I may be mistaken, but I believe jar is speaking of Mr. Wood’s vagina.

16

If I may?

Ahem

Delino DeShields, you piss-poor excuse for someone able to do ANYTHING on a baseball field, you’re supposed to CATCH the ball with the glove. This is at least three games this year I’ve seen you fuck up with your nonexistent defense. The only possible way I can see that you’re still in the major leagues is that Gary Matthews, Jr. and/or Damon Buford left you their pictures of Don Baylor and Andy MacPhail team-felching a descendent of the original cursed goat.

And, now, Mr. McGriff, you lazy-ass, slack-jawed, better-be-out-of-a-job-soon motherfucker, at which point did you forget that running out hits was part of your job description? I mean, I realize that you may have forgotten due to A) your extremely advanced age, and B) the fact that you haven’t gotten a hit all fucking year, but, still. And, then, to compound this, you pull the genius move of getting caught off of third base on a line drive. When I played Little League, I knew kids that got grounded for that sort of shit.

Mr. Girardi, we need to talk. You were never actually good, but, at this point, you suuuuuuuuuuck. You outsuck an entire squadron of Hoovers. When I can CALL your double-play grounders, it’s time to give it up, ok, bub? (Hey, look. 4-6-3 DP, coming up…)

And, finally, my favorite. Donnie Baseball. I can’t call you the worst manager in baseball, so long as Tony Muser and Bob Boone have jobs, but, after you get past them, you’re pretty much next on the “total fucking retard” list. And you don’t even have a fucking excuse. You played for Earl Weaver, for god’s sake. How could you learn nothing from that? Your little predilection for sacrifice bunting has gone WAY too far at this point. When you have the potential winning run sacrifice in the 9th inning with a 3-0 count AND the fucking wind blowing out at Wrigley, you’ve gone WAY over the edge. Seriously, we’ve got to get you into some kind of 12-step program. Admittedly, it was one of the aforementioned assholes who was up, but still…getting a runner to third base with two outs isn’t all that helpful, whereas the extra out most certainly is. But, would something this simple actually make its way into your brain past all the thoughts of Krispy Kreme? Nope. Didn’t think so. So, in small words: stop with the fucking bunting. You only get 27 outs. They are precious. One base is not worth one out. Especially not when your Girardis and DeShieldses and Styneses are pretty much good for an 0-for-3 EVERY FUCKING DAY.

Sorry. I’ll stop drooling now.

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::Makes note to self::

Must send nicely worded, tastefully scented note to jarbabyj with pictures of naked, fully-tumescent Brian Urlacher holding up a card which says “Do not post after drinking heavily at Cubs’ games, and you can have me all to yourself.”

18

And, the newest from the “Baylor Files”:

Chris Stynes is leading off. The guy probably shouldn’t be in the major leagues. He’s not even the best 3B option on the roster (say hi to Mark Bellhorn). He can’t hit. He’d be lucky to break .330 with his on-base percentage…

Stupid Baylor and his stupid being stupid…

19

Turns out I must apologize to Donnie. Bellhorn’s starting for the OTHER waste of infield space…

20

Are we talking about fucking goat nipples by any chance?