I am a terrible conversationalist. The art of conversation is to get people to talk about themselves.
I have a friend who is fabulous at small talk “How are your kids enjoying their new art classes?” “Have you talked to your mom lately? How’s her new deck shaping up?” How in the heck does she remember all this stuff?
I have a poor memory, so I never remember what people have told me. So I can’t think of what to ask them. I asked a guy “Didn’t you do some travelling recently?” He replied “Uh, well, I went to go see my Grandma a few months ago.” Killed that conversation promptly. I could have sworn I’d heard that he’d gone on a trip to Europe.
I dread the phone, and use e-mail for all my communication. Then I can check back. My husband asked me recently “Didn’t your sister sell her house?” “Gee, I dunno, let me check.”
For this reason, I need to keep a small circle of friends. I can’t possibly keep track of the life events of more than a dozen people.
There’s a poster on this board whose style I really admire. I won’t name names because there’s probably more than one. He acknowledges each person’s reply, and usually adds a positive comment, even if it’s just “That’s interesting” then encourages them to share more. Most of the posters on this board, me included, are always bringing the topic along to themselves instead.
I spend too much time trying to make a great impression on people that I forget to stop, listen, and learn about others.
It seems that the problem is you have rehearsed mentally how the conversation would go, and you would be at a loss if it doesn’t go the way you expect it to.
For example, you could have followed up with, “Oh, that’s sweet. Has it been a long time since you last visited her?”
A really good conversation is one of the best things in life. To me conversation is for connecting with people.
I wish I had a circle like Podkayne’s. I love to challenge people’s logic and assumptions and am stimulated when I am challenged. I only dislike it if my conversation partner (co-conversationalist?)is close-minded. If there’s no chance of changing each other’s mind it’s not as much fun.
But since I live among the “normals” I mostly make do with non-controversial topics. I am very interested in other people.
I have learned a lot from Deborah Tannen’s books. It has been very helpful for me to realize that people grow up with different assumptions about conversation. I grew up among people who talked pretty fast and interrupted often. I have had to learn that what is an uncomfortably long pause to me is not enough time to get a word in edgewise to others. I have had to learn that what is friendly interest to me can seem like intrusive interrogation to others.
I think I am a pretty good conversationalist. I am thoughtful of others and try to include everyone. But I am pretty self-conscious during a lot of my conversations. A great conversation just flows without me thinking up topics or gauging my pauses.