So, I often hear about some people being good conversationalists. What does that mean?
What do good conversationalists tend to do and not do? I know they listen more than they talk but aside from that, what?
I’ve noticed that when I have common interests with someone, I hardly need to make any effort to have a mutually satisfying conversation. How do you find out if you have common interests? You could ask the person to list their interests but that seems rather too formal.
Asking someone about their interests can range from overly formal to prying, depending on how it’s phrased, the context, body posture…
“What are your hobbies?” —> the only place this is even remotely acceptable are job interviews.
“Are you into bondage?” —> ehr… I do hope this isn’t being asked in the cafeteria at work, to someone whose only connection to you is working in the same company. Well, I guess it would be ok if the employer is Penthouse, or Private.
“What did you do over the weekend? I went to see a movie” —> works in most situations.
A good conversationalist makes the other people feel as you say, “effortlessly mutually satisfied” at the end of the conversation. There are a couple of standard technical points like:
-Good eye contact (but not so good it’s creepy)
-Leave pauses so the other person can interject
-Avoid interrupting or talking over the other person
-Pay attention to the tempo of the conversation. It’s unnerving if you are rambling on a mile a minute while the other person give slow, thought out responses and vice versus.
-Body language. 90% of communication is non-verbal, which is why so many young people raised on the Interweb and Facetube seem socially awkward. Be mindful of how you are standing and moving. Avoid wild aggressive arm movements (unless you are talking about how much the Red Sox suck). Don’t be a “close-talker”. Don’t stand there like a statue.
-Remember what people say to you! People actually like it when you remember their name, where they work, where they went to school, and their pet cat’s name (as long as they told it too you during the conversation).
Actually, it kind of isn’t.
I’m socially awkward and also have a problem articulating what I mean to say sometimes (it’s a brain thing) so I might come across (with my nasal voice, too!) somewhat … slow. So I do my best to keep the other person talking. (Everyone is terrified of sudden silences after “so how’s your brother?” or “have you used your snowthrower yet, or just shovelled your driveway?” and at this point, the other party moves off pleading a pressing engagement. I’ve learned not to take it personally.)
msmith537, that was an excellent post! We socially awkward types would do well to study it, in case we’re forced to try and communicate with people.
Oh, I forgot. Also know when it’s time to end the conversation. If the person looks like they are starting to get board or it just naturally seems to be ending, it’s ok to politely let the other person excuse themselves.
I would also recommend joining a local Toastmasters club. It’s more public speaking than conversation, but it’s a good opportunity to learn how to speak to people in an engaging manner.
Ask open-ended questions (not yes or no types), and be truly interested (I think you can “will” this, at least a bit). I’ve had many conversations that consisted entirely (on my end) of a series of questions. Don’t feel panicked by pauses in the conversation. I’m decent at it, not great, and that’s the essence of it for me.
Don’t be the accuracy police. If your spouse is telling a story and gets the year wrong, let it go. No one cares. If someone is relating a news story and you read the story, too, don’t correct them when they say there were two kids trapped in the house and it was three. Again, no one cares. You’re not trying to look smarter than everyone else, it’s an honest concern for accuracy, but it slows down conversation and makes it look like you are trying to one up people.
I think this is especially hard for Dopers. I know it was hard for me.
One other: if your humor is sarcastic and cynical and people don’t know anything else about you, they assume that all you are is sarcasm and cynicism–and that’s a fun person to talk to . . .briefly. It’s not someone to cultivate. Dial it down at first–especially anything mean-spirited. You know you have layers. They don’t.
If you know the people, research their background and talk of that.
It is not difficult to discuss that.
And it is always easy to tell people what they want to hear.
If you have much money, everyone will want to talk to you.
How do you conversational wizards deal with this sort of situation? (Oh, I guess none of you are mathematicians.)
-What do you do?
-I am a mathematician.
-That was my worst subject.
"The way they teach it in school is terrible. . I had one math teacher who . . " This opens the door to other lousy math teacher stories.
“Well, it’s different when you aren’t solving 45 identical equations for homework. I do more like . . .” This gives them some vision of your work that they can springboard off of to talk about their own work.
“What was your best subject?”
Here ya go:
“It normally is, for slow people. Have you considered ditch-digging? Janitorial work? MacDonalds?”
Don’t mention it.
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In most casual conversations (without ulterior motives), what everyone is worried about is coming across as a good conversationalist. It’s not just you. If you want to make them think the conversation went well, then you have to make them think they performed well. Remember that if they think the conversation went well, that they’ll naturally like the person they were talking to.
Your eye contact and body language should say that you are interested in what the other person is talking about. What’s important here is that you don’t get too creepy.
The tone and tempo of the conversation should match the person you are talking to. Matching tone and tempo makes them feel more comfortable. If someone greats you joyfully, then be joyful when you start talking. If you meet a joyful greeting with a deadpan response, then it can throw the other person off guard.
Put the other person at ease by never commenting on their mistakes. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you should mention their mistake so that they’ll know that you know about it, and that you’re ok with it. The best response is to ignore it. Don’t interrupt them while they’re talking for the same reason.
Finally, let them know you’re paying attention by responding to what they actually say. This where you’ll have to come up with things to say. It can be difficult at first, but after some practice it gets easier.
This is basically what msmith537 said, except with a more clear goal in mind rather than “effortless mutual satisfaction.”
In a nutshell, everything you do should be focused on making the other person think that you are enjoying what they’re saying. That means showing them that you’re paying attention and doing what you can to avoid unnerving moments in order to put them at ease.
Stay away from the Big Three Conversational No-No’s:
Politics
Religion
Sex
Once those boundaries are crossed, it is a minefield of butthurt.
I personally find it terribly irritating, but it’s ridiculously common both in interviews and in application forms; I decided a long time ago that I don’t want to work for any company whose HR people think they can judge my personality based on my hobbies, but I’ve run into that particular question more often from off-house recruiters. Frecuency will, I imagine, vary by location. Anyway, it was just an example of extreme bluntness that feels… well, like you’re getting “the file” on the other person, rather than trying to get to know them. [white-coated bureaucrat in white coat]Age? Place of birth? Hobbies? Professional degrees? Any fraternal associations? Medical history?[/bureaucrat]
Different people feel comfortable at different distances and with different amounts of eye contact: this varies both with personality and from culture to culture. A good conversationalist who sees the other person shying away does not follow them: if they’re moving away it means you’re too close/they feel threatened, following makes the threat larger.
Oh, my God yes. This is one of the most common mistakes I see in conversation, and one of the fastest ways to alienate anyone you’re talking to. It’s especially bad if you’re talking to someone you’ve never met or don’t know very well.
One thing I’ve noticed about people I really enjoy talking to is that not only do they seem interested in me, they’re also fairly energetic. I don’t mean frenetic…maybe the better word is upbeat and/or engaged. It’s not fun to talk to someone acting like they’re going to fall asleep.
And as mentioned above, if you keep encountering awkward silences, find someone else to talk to or get yourself a drink. Don’t feel embarrassed if you run out of things to discuss. Unless you really hit it off with someone, there’s only so far you can go with a “surface” or getting-to-know-you conversation.
The ability to be interested in what someone is saying is key, as is being able to come up with interesting questions about what they’re saying. This involves being mentally awake and making connections rapidly, as well as throwing away some of your “no they couldn’t possible be interested in talking about that” inhibitions.
Thus, most people are GREAT conversationalists after a drink or two. Really.
One very much practical thing that I have taken some pains to ensure these last few years, and that IMO has helped me become better company (I used to be a very bad conversationalist but have got better): Plan ahead for social occasions so you aren’t dead tired. I used to be a workaholic and that probably contributed to it - I used to be noticeably tired, sometimes on the border of nodding off, and unduly impatient with long-windedness in others. Now I plan ahead, to the extent of working more on the day before a social gathering or a date, having a good night’s sleep, and quitting work early on the day.
Depends on the venue.
I’d agree with FriarTed - some of the best friends I’ve ever met have been because we ended up in funny conversations about sex when we first met. How we arrived there was always a round about way, rather than just getting right to the subject. Often it was because of a current event that might have had to do with sex.
If I’m at a business function, and easy opener is to introduce yourself and ask what company they are with and what they do (unless I already know the company, in which case I’ll ask about what’s new with the such and such division.) Then I let them talk. Always remember their name and use it once in the conversation so they know you haven’t forgotten it. If I can relate their product or service to what I know about their customer/current events or I can think of something interesting to ask about the product/service, I’ll mention that when they stop talking, weaving in an element of what they just said. If they take the conversation in a different direction, I’ll go with the flow. That is, if they say “Well, I work for WidgetCo and we make widgets, but I’m really worried about the market and my position. I’m wondering if I should be looking for something new”. Clearly the response to this is not “Is the Navy buying a lot of widgets this quarter, and do they come in orange?”. That’s a clearly where you would ask about what he would be looking for next, what he does in greater detail, what he does/doesn’t like about the current job, etc.
If it’s a social occassion, then the easy opener is to introduce yourself and maybe ask how they know they host/hostess/employer putting on the event. If you can compliment something about them (non-physical), then that’s always useful too. Don’t try too hard on that last thing though, as that can really come across as fake if the person clearly doesn’t care about their appearance.