Daniel Goleman is a good source to get info on things like this, his books Social Intelligence and Emotional Intelligence are great reads, far far better than the more popular books like ‘how to win friends and influence people’.
I used to read his stuff and it did work, I had much more social support and better communication. Then I realized I liked and preferred being an introvert, didn’t get much benefit or enjoyment out of much of the socializing I did and I pretty much stopped doing it. So live and let live.
Personally I don’t know how you can be a good conversationalist unless you have a genuine interest in the other person or the subject being discussed. And a lot of the time that isn’t going to be the case.
Don’t knock Dale Carnegie. I have rarely encountered better advice about dealing with people than How to Win Friends and Influence People. Have you read it?
I sometimes amuse myself by identifying what I call ‘parallel conversations’. This frequently happens at work when two co-workers are talking:
A: “My Billy was up all night with a fever.”
B: “My Susie had a fever last week.”
A: “I gave him Tylenol, but it didn’t help.”
B: “I always give Susie Motrin.”
A: “Billy finally drifted off around 5 a.m.”
B: “Susie always falls right to sleep after Motrin.”
And so on and so on. It is really two distinct, separate monologues being spoken simultaneously. Neither one cares in the least what the other is saying; their only intention is to have their own remarks heard.
mmm
My SO has a bit of a challenge getting into conversations. Some pitfalls she falls into that I’ve observed when the two of us are with people are the following:
Answering open-ended questions with a yes, or worse, a no.
We were with some friends early last week, and the question was asked, “are you in any shows at the moment.” “No.” There was silence, “But,” says I, “she’s getting ready to audition for a production in two weeks, and has a singing gig later this month.”
Questions in conversation are in many ways a passing of responsibility from one party to the next. If you answer yes/no questions with only a yes/no, then you’re letting the conversation die.