(There are several Dopers who know where my moniker originated
and whose picture is my avatar. These are the lyrics to a [children’s]
song I wrote about my first dog – acquired at the tender age of 39.)
Burpo, The Wonder Mutt
PJ’s her name, eating’s her game.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner it is always the same:
Forty-two seconds to bolt down her food.
Sixty seconds later you will hear something rude.
Chugs enough water to put out a fire!
Gotta go spread it around the backyard.
Though I just fed her, she says I’m a liar;
She’s playing the “starving” card.
Wolfing her treats; her favorite eats.
Nosing through the pockets of whomever she meets.
Backs a few paces away from her bowl
To look me in the face; eructation her goal.
Daily, this situation recurs.
Usu’ly, she’s a quiet one, but,
Pow, this transformation occurs:
It’s Burpo, The Wonder Mutt!
Can’t fly at all. Won’t fetch a ball.
Her only speed for everything appears to be “stall.”
Movies won’t be made of one as lazy as she.
You won’t see her barking on your cable TV.
Looks just like your ev’ryday cur.
Won’t wear the tights, the cape or the cowl.
The only time she’ll bother to stir:
When her belly begins to growl.
Her super sniffer never misses a meal.
Her steely canines don’t know how to nibble.
She might listen if you tell her to “Heel!”
But, Oh, Heaven help you if you try to take the kibble
From Burpo, The Wonder Mutt!
I love that dog, though she eats like a hog.
She’s no super hero, just a bump on a log.
Her mighty tummy rumblings will knock you down flat.
What kind of stupid super power is that?
Is there anything that could silence this trend?
Changing her diet does not make the cut.
Hearing that racket from your own furry friend
Might give you pause, but I’ll tell you what:
There are many other noises that would tend to offend
More than sounds from a collie’s gut.
Yes, with luck I won’t be hearing from the opposite end
Of Burpo, The Wonder Mutt!