Wow, this is so interesting. Based on the responses so far, our little group skews toward the “don’t touch” side.
Not to belabor the point, but can anyone tell me how you’ve come to feel this way? I know that may be a hard question to answer, I’m just wondering if you grew up in a family that isn’t demonstrative, or you had a bad experience, or what. I’m not trying to peg you as “abnormal” or anything, it’s just very foreign to me and I want to understand.
I was raped by two men when I was 18. Being grabbed at by strangers seems to set off something deep in my brain that I’d rather leave buried.
Despite the tut-tutting that I often get on this issue, I do not think that wanting strangers to keep their hands off me is neurotic. I enjoy being touched by friends and loved ones. It irks me when some compulsive hugger acts as if I am a nut case because I don’t want to be embraced by someone I don’t know.
I am sooo sorry you had to go through that,pinkfreud. Please know that I am not tut-tutting you, but honestly trying to see “the other guy’s side”. For that matter, as free as I can be with my affection, I also don’t appreciate “serial huggers” or societal maulers.
P.S. I know you don’t know me, but I’ve been through a similar experience, and if you ever need to talk…
I’m touchy feely with my friends, family and fiance. However not with complete strangers.
Not that hard to answer in my case. There are three reasons for why I prefer not to be randomly touched, particularly by peope I don’t know.
First, my family is not physically demonstrative. We’re not cold fish, either - we do hug and stuff - but not constantly. One half of my family comes from an ethnic/religious background that forbids mixing of people of different genders who aren’t immediate family members, does not permit public touching of spouses, and during a woman’s menses does not permit private physical contact. While my own family never obeyed such strict rules, it did have an impact on how demonstrative everyone was. In addition, the other side of the family, while not extreme, also comes from ethnicities that prefer substantial personal space and tend away from physical contact, particularly in public.
Second, I grew up in a rough neighborhood. I have been physically attacked, and needed to physically defend myself, a number of times. It can be hazardous to sneak up on the ol’ Broom and seize her from behind in a bid ol’ bear hug because she just might interpret that as an attack rather than affection. A good part of uneasiness at the touchy-feely folks like roving huggers is that the emotional part of my mind is never quite sure if all this physical stuff is attack or affection.
Third, to top it off, I have “sensitive skin”. Most of the time the problems are under control, but if I’m having a flare up my skin will be irritated and hypersensitive. Being touched can be somewhere between uncomfortable and painful. At such times I don’t want to be touched at all, by anyone, unless they’re applying topical anesthetic.
Not that I’m a cold fish - the husband and I have no problem with hugs, cuddles, holding, and, um, er… let’s just say we get physical on a regular basis. And with close friends there’s a certain level of touching I either don’t mind or seek out. But strangers? That’s assuming a level of intimacy that just doesn’t exist and it puts my whole system in RED ALERT It’s not that I require a three foot perimeter around me at all times - in fact, I can be quite tolerate of people sitting or standing very close to me, almost touching, but please don’t bridge that final, hair-width gap. So, with me at least, it isn’t so much the “personal space” thing (although yes, I prefer some distance between me and others) as “please, really, please don’t touch me.”
Like I said in the other thread, in a diverse society you have to develop a tolerance for differences. I’m well aware that there are people who come from a completely different stance than I do on these issues. If you live in such a society from time to time you will have your social toes stepped on, and likewise you will inadvertantly offend others on occassion no matter how well intentioned. It is a requirement that people in such societies learn a certain level of tolerance and forgiveness for minor social trespass.
Don’t. Touch. Without. Express. Permission. I can be very touchy-feely with close female friends {which confused my wife quite a bit at first: she’s Japanese, and quite physically reserved with people - I had to explain very carefully that this wasn’t sexual; I just had a hugging thing going on with a few women I was close to}.
Guys miss out altogether, sorry - it’s not a homophobic thing, I hope, just the culture I was raised in - and I’m not physical at all with immediate family, except for my wife and son, and no-one else gets anything but a handshake: you have to earn my trust before you get past my defences. Read into that whatt you will.
I’m very touchy-feely with friends and family, but NO WAY with strangers. The reason is that in our society, it is a form of intimacy. You cannot be intimate emotionally with a stranger. Once you establish an emotional connection, the touching part becomes OK (for me, anyway).
I will put my arm around a friend just walking down the street, but strangers have not established a comfort level, so hands off for them.
I have no clue how I came to be the way I am. Truth be told, it’s an aspect about myself that I don’t like. I strongly disliked being hugged by my husband, my ten year old and my five year old. The younger two kids? I’ll take all the hugs I can get. Of course, my husband, ten year old and five year old are none the wiser. Well, that’s not entirely true, my husband knows my aversion, but I’ve never actually told him how much I disliked being touched outside of a sexual encounter.
It may have something to do with being physically abused as a child. Or maybe I’m just psycho.
I don’t like to be touched. Even by my Mother. Or at least, I didn’t. Now I’m getting used to it. I don’t mind being touched by close family. I like to be touched by my wife. I also like to be touched by women who I am attracted to. It can be confusing for me though, because I’ve always considered touching as a form of interested flirting. I sometimes find it difficult to tell if a girl is interested in me or if they’re just touchy/feely. Of course it’s all a moo point really, given that I am married.
So how do you all feel about strangers’ laying on of hands?
Icky. Absolutely icky.
What about your SOs or family members?
My mother & father were never very affectionate. I love my aunts’ affection and love their hugs and hug them all the time. I definitely grew up short on hugs and adore them now - from the right people.
And what makes you feel that way?
Probably being raised in a household with very little affection. Anyway, I find it creepy and way too personal for strangers to touch me…
How much of a priority is affection in your romantic relationships?
Huge. I love touching and hugging and kissing. I just like to reserve it for people I know, and people who love me.
I like hugs, although I don’t offer them out of the blue, knowing that many people are not touch-feely. I remember my first meeting with our new pastor, about two years ago; I offered my hand, and he shook it and pulled me into a bear hug! Quite welcome, and he’s just a friendly, happy guy whose enthusiasm and joy at seeing you is obvious.
My wife is Dominican, and whenever we’re there, I have no problem switching into the cheek-kiss greeting mode for female friends and relatives.
When I worked in dinner theater, there was much hugging and back-rubbing and whatnot, both with men and women. No problems at all with any of that…
As a teacher, I am fairly affectionate with some of my students by second semester–by which point I have gotten to know them and know which ones respond well to a pat on the back as I walk past, or a hand-shake or high-five when they do well, and I know which ones are uncomfortable with contact. I use this sort of casual touching as a teaching tool, the same way I use body language and tone of voice, and I let the individual kids set the standard.
As to what I actually LIKE–touching from people I don’t know very well doesn’t skeeve me out, but it isn’t something I initiate. It bothers me only when I feel like someone is using it to either establish a level of intimacy that isn’t there–my then-future-mother-in-law hugging me the first time she met me bothered me–or, when someone is using it to manipulate me–I’ve had students who do this whole “Aw, give me a hug” thing because they want me to feel affectionalte nad fond and overlook bad behavoir/late work. I’ve also known people htat used “affection” to bully and intimidate, and that makes me uncomfortable.
But if someone else is just a touchy person, it neither bothers me nor endears them to me–it’s just a quirk.
No contact from strangers beyond shaking hands if we’re introduced. Otherwise, give me my space! With friends and family hugging is ok when seeing someone I haven’t seen in a while or when leaving someone for a long-ish time. It’s also ok if something really good or really bad has happened, in either a congratulatory or a sympathetic way. Even with family and friends though, I still need my space otherwise. Don’t sit so close to me on a sofa that we’re touching. That’s just weird.
Relationships are a whole different matter though. I love contact, holding hands, sitting close, cuddling, kissing, etc. But that’s reserved for my boyfriend.
Why am I like this? I don’t really know. My mother was always affectionate while I was growing up; my father less so. I still hug Dad only awkwardly. But there was never a negative event associated with contact. It’s just something I prefer to avoid. If I don’t know you and unless we’re close, don’t touch me and don’t get within my personal space.
There’s one thing I’ve noticed, though.
I probably wouldn’t mind hugging a *Doper * in the first meeting at all.
I wonder why that is.
For me it’s “No touching!”
I cannot even begin to imagine why anyone would make it a habit to touch people they don’t know, so there’s perplexity on the other side of the fence too.
I don’t like to be touched. Especially not by strangers. I tolerate it from family and coworkers, but I don’t like it. The only time I ever particularly like being touched is by a guy I’m interested, and even that has more to do with the implications of body language than really enjoying being touched. I rarely touch anyone, too.
Why? Dunno. I have little experience with demonstrative people. My mother said she had to learn to hug my brother and I since it wasn’t a natural thing to her. And most people in this area really are as reserved as reputed to be. If you don’t talk to people you don’t know, you sure don’t touch them, either.
I’m not as freaked out by it as I used to be, but I still kind of hate when total strangers try to touch me.
I do like to hug and kiss and touch my fiance and my daughter. I hug friends and family all the time.
I dislike being touched. Part of it is because I’m oversensitive to some things including sound and some minor obsessions. Part of it is because I wasn’t raised by touchy-feely people. Part of it is because I don’t enjoy being around people.
The last part perhaps bears some explanation. I am not misanthropic (usually) but I also don’t interact well with people. It’s draining and uncomfortable to have to play all the social games every culture expects, and I usually have something more rewarding to be doing that the interaction is taking me away from. I’d gladly become an atheist monk if I had a load of books and an Internet connection.
I’m perfectly happy as I am. I don’t want to change the world and I don’t want the world to change me.
**So how do you all feel about strangers’ laying on of hands? **
Fine, as long as it’s conventionally appropriate; that is, handshakes, laying a hand on my arm, a hand on my shoulder to move me if I happen to be in the way. I’m not really into being touched, but I’m not going to get all weird and make somebody feel bad when they probably didn’t mean anything by the touching. People tend to have different ideas about touching, and I’ve come to realize that it’s often no big deal.
What about your SOs or family members?
My family rarely touches. Neither do my boyfriend and I. Since that’s what I’m used to, it doesn’t bother me.
How much of a priority is affection in your romantic relationships?
Not much. Like I said, I don’t miss it because we didn’t touch much in my family anyhow. I’d rather have a boyfriend who’s neat and tidy and can crack me up.
I got lots of physical contact as a kid. Mom gave lots of hugs, I’d cuddle and talk with Qadgop before going to bed when I was little, I slept in bed with my grandparents when we went to visit them, and I STILL get hugs and kisses from my parents on a pretty regular basis. My boyfriend and I can hardly go any time at all when we’re together without touching, though we do try to restrain ourselves in public. When I visit close friends who don’t have extra beds, (currently all of them, heh) we generally sleep together.
Strangers or acquaintances who get touchy are forcing a level of intimacy on me that’s far more than what I feel. Touching is for people I’m CLOSE to. I wouldn’t discuss embarassing medical issues with you, I wouldn’t ask to borrow your chapstik, I wouldn’t ask you to take a look at how that scar on my back is healing up, and I probably wouldn’t do your laundry for you even if you asked VERY NICELY. Random touching is about that intimate for me. Or at least it should be.