I know this has been done once before, but I’d like to get new perspectives on the issue.
My question is this: How protective of personal space are Dopers, and how do you feel about unsolicited (non-sexual) touching?
I absolutely LOATHE unsolicited touching by anyone at all, save for very, very close friends and significant others. If someone is too close during a conversation and maintains that distance after subtle signals from me (shifting position, stepping back, etc) I will forsake all attempts at politeness by planting a hand on his/her shoulder and pushing that person backwards until I’m comfortable.
I do not hug people by way of greeting, and am uncomfortable shaking hands. It strikes me as an outdated societal ritual - who knows where that hand has been? I will not allow an acquaintance to put an arm around my shoulder, or keep a hand on me in any way. I will physically pick up their wrist and move it if required.
For some reason, people seem to find my hair fascinating, and invariably a few will try to touch it. I don’t want random, grubby hands on my head, and I have to make a conscious effort to control myself, or else I will blurt out something very rude and likely get myself in trouble.
Disclaimer: I am not a cold, unfeeling person at all. With my friends, I’m very affectionate and warm. I feel that this kind of familiarity is something that one earns, and physical contact between strangers/acquaintances cheapens it.
Am I alone in my love of personal space? I anxiously await responses from the strange and wonderful Doper community…
…my personal space extends about a half-yard from my bod, but I don’t correct people if they violate it, however. My family isn’t what you’d call touchy-feely and neither are my friends. I’ve always been a little shy too - sometimes it’s hard to even make eye-contact with people. As I get older, I try to overcome these traits.
That reminds me of my worst violation of personal space story: I was standing in line at an amusement park, and this woman was standing about an inch (no joke) behind me. If I moved so much as an molecule’s width ahead, she was right there with me.
makes the Yosemite Sam “oooooooooh!” sound of frustration
I went through a period for about 10 years where anyone touching me other than my family or husband would totally creep me out. Just in the last year I’ve seemed to go back to my original self and a hug from a casual acquaintance now and then is OK. Shaking hands have never bothered me since I do it all the time in my business. My pet peeve is standing in line. I have an idea of my personal space and if someone encroaches on it, I’m very uncomfortable. I’ve never resorted to physically moving them, but I can’t say that’s a bad idea! haha!
It totally depends on the person. I can feel comfortable hugging someone I’ve just met, and very uncomfortable being touched by someone I know quite well.
Depends…most of my family are at least “huggy” types, and so are my friends. Hugs when greeting, saying goodbye, etc.
But I really don’t see a need for touching me when talking to me. I can get fairly irritated from that.
The one thing that totally fucking irritates me is when people invade my space (I’d say, a good two feet) while I am waiting in the checkout line at the store. For some reason it happens quite often there. First, I will turn around and have daggers flying out of my eyes. If they don’t get the hint, they will get a pretty good bump from my backpack purse. That usually does the trick.
I’m pretty OK with physical contact, at least with what most Americans consider to be normal.
Of course, it depends on the situation. At work, anything beyond an occasional handshake is very rare. The exception is the Korean military guys. They will often rest their hand on your shoulder when they’re talking to you. I gotta admit it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I just remind myself that it’s a cultural difference and they’re just being polite and friendly.
At the church I went to in Maryland, many of the people were touchy-feely types. I was comfortable with hugging people in that setting. I liked it, in fact.
I don’t mind hugging relatives, but that’s where I draw the line with hugs (though I do hug a friend I visit once a year when I fly out to see him, this is okay with me). I’m a tad uneasy with shaking hands (as someone said, you don’t know where that hand has been). Generally, I don’t like to be touched, and I absolutely hate it when someone feels compelled to do so, especially if it is a stranger or someone at work who is trying to get my attention. I am quite jumpy and I can’t stand it when someone taps me on my shoulder to get my attention. A simple “excuse me, please” or “Hey, dwc!” would suffice, as long as it isn’t done behind my back, as I will likely need to be pulled out from the ceiling otherwise.
My biggest pet peeve by far when it comes to being touched occurred most often when I worked in retail. I don’t know what it was that compelled complete strangers-- usually semi-elderly men-- to touch me. They’d pat me on the shoulder or reach for my arm. I just wanted to “touch” these people back, with a little more force, but this would have resulted in getting fired and possibly charges of battery, so I managed to refrain from such urges. I would just flinch to show my offense towards being touched.
I’m pretty skittish about physical contact with anyone other than family myself - and it has to be really close family, too. Mother and Sister are about the only two people I hug regularly.
My boundary depends on the situation. On the bus, I am sometimes in actual physical contact with the other person in the seat, and I don’t mind much, but I do try to keep a measure of space between the two of us anyways. In lines, I’m usually within about a foot or two of the next person - again, I don’t mind. It’s in wider, more open areas when my shields go up. If I’m walking with a person to class in the open, then the space is about the length of my arm. Anything more and I feel uncomfortable.
I’m generally a very passive person, so if someone’s touching me, I’ll ease away with subtlety, even if I’m in a rotten kill-'em-all mood. I’ve only forcefully pushed a person away once in the past year, and I was really overstressed. I do not handle stress well.
My personal space for strangers is about 2-3 feet, I guess an arm’s length or so. I don’t like someone right up in my face, but I don’t freak if someone gets too close. I usually just back up a step or two to keep distance if they get too cozy.
With family and friends, I am very affectionate…hugs and kisses all around. I don’t really have a personal space requirement for them.
I don’t mind unsolicited contact usually. From any close friend it’s a-ok.
One problem I have with it though is that it’s confusing. Is this just a person who likes to touch people, or is it some sort of sexual signal? I don’t know, maybe I’m just weird.
I’m very touchy-feely, so contact doesn’t generally bother me from people I know. I’m very huggy with family and friends, and I will frequently put a hand on someone’s arm during conversation, so it doesn’t bother me if someone does it to me. More intimate forms of touching, such as an arm around the waist, are reserved for close friends.
I don’t think it’s at all apropriate, however, for strangers to be touching me in most situations. A tap on the shoulder to get my attention is fine, but more than that is too much. I can’t STAND it when people stand too close in line. At amusement parks, where you’re in line for a good long time, I’ve resorted to sticking one foot out to keep the person from getting too close.
Children have no sense of personal space, and it drives me bonkers when they bump into my rear. One time I will let slide, but the parent needs to correct the situation after that, because it shouldn’t be happening repeatedly.
I had that same thing happen to me… I just finally turned around and said, pretty rudely too… well i was pissed… “can you not stand on top of me???”
Besides with my boyfriend, i am not a hugger, don’t like kissing hello/goodbye, don’t like handshakes either. I am very affectionate with those close to me… but i am uncomfortable doing any of those things with anyone else. I also am a very shy person… get very anxious in social settings where there are people I don’t know. I just don’t feel comfortable with people who I don’t know very well. Plus one half of my family is cold and unaffectionate… so im used to that.
But with people I know well I am very warm and sociable… i don’t know what it is. Plus i wish there was one set way to greet people… cuz with some of my bf’s friends like to hug when greeted, some like to kiss on the cheek, some both… so i get flustered when i don’t know how i should greet someone…
Should do away with it all together… I like my generic “bye all” as im creeping out the door.
I actually get along with my friends better than my family, and we always do the handshake or hug thing (depending on variables of sex, how long we’ve known each other and how drunk we are).
I do like to keep strangers at arm’s length, depending. People at work - a handshake and sitting several feet apart is good. But that’s it.
If the environment is friendly and jocular, I usually don’t mind being touched even if it’s someone I have only just met (i.e. I witnessed first-hand Geo’s arm-touching thing at the NYC Dopefest) and CajunMan likes to give me bearhugs when he’s drunk.
Then there was the time DrMatrix rested his inebriated head on my shoulder like a moping puppy … but I digress.
I’m ok with people touching me, and I’m a bit of a toucher. However, I’m usually pretty good at reading people and if someone doesn’t like touching, it’s usually quite apparent.
One thing that really bugs me though is when you’re using and ATM and the next person in line is RIGHT THERE looking over your shoulder. I have no problem asking people to move back a little.
A friend of mine is a real NON toucher. Once, when we had been friends for about 10 years, I reached out to pull a piece of linty stuff out of her hair. She freaked out, “What are you doing? Don’t touch my hair! Yada, yada, yada.” When I explained the lint she felt really foolish.
Outisde of family and friends, I don’t care for ‘close talkers’. Those are the people that like to stand within 5 inches of my face and I can smell their breath. Get Back! I am frequently guilty of arm and shoulder touching/squeezing and haven’t ever had a negative response. Except for that one time, when I came up behind my brother sitting on a bench in the mall and started trying to give him the Vulcan death grip and mussing up his hair. Yup, turns out it wasn’t my brother. The guy was real nice about my molesting him and just laughed it off.
I’m sort of touchy-feely, within limits. I’m comfortable hugging just about anyone, and I think I frequently catch people by surprise when I do it. (I don’t mean to catch them off-guard, I just forget that other folks sometimes don’t hug as quickly as I do.)
I have more problems with personal-space issues with my near-and-dear, actually. My husband likes to pat my rear, and it drives me NUTS. I tolerate it as much as I can, but after the 2nd or 3rd time, I draw the line. My rear is a definite no-touch zone.
Sometimes my personal space is muuuuuch larger than other times. I suspect it has to do with my two babies and how clingy they have been…I love them crazy, but sometimes those grabby little hands get to be too much!
~karol
I’m a big fan of hugging, as are most of my friends, but I’m not comfortable hugging people if I don’t genuinely like them. For instance, my roommate this past academic year always wanted to hug me for some reason. I couldn’t stand the girl, so if I couldn’t get out of an unwanted show of affection, I’d usually respond with the half-hearted butterfly hug (where you lean in, flutter your arms quickly around the person’s back/neck, and flutter delicately back away without any really close contact).
I don’t like strangers standing right up next to me (especially while waiting in line), but my friends and family can usually get as physically close to me as they want and it doesn’t bother me. The only person who has complete freedom with me personal space-wise is my sweetie. He’s allowed to touch me whenever/wherever he likes.
When I was a Girl Scout leader, we did an exercise in understanding personal space As an aid, we used hula hoops, and we discovered that I need a much bigger hula hoop than is considered “normal.” (This is not because my big ol’ butt was in play, either.) To this day my family and close friends know that when they hear me mutter “hula hoop” under my breath, I am feeling encroached upon. I am OK in crowds, generally speaking, even if they’re large and close, but the second someone in that crowd starts interacting with me one on one, I step back and make space. And I HATE HATE HATE HATE having my face touched anytime, by anyone, period. I HATE that. I mean, I HATE it. Really. A lot.
I am not a touchy-feely person, but those who are do not bother me too much, as long as I can see an escape. I despise crowds, therefore I avoid the mall, concerts etc… I can usually read a person also, but I do not usually touch someone I do not know. At home, I need lots of personal space. My DH has accused me of piling up my belongings around me just so that no one can get close. This may be partly true, I have three kids, and since the day they were born, they have been stuck to my side. Add a DH who is very touchy-feely, and a dog who thinks I am his own personal pillow, and you can understand me.
I had no idea there were people who felt this way, other than those with emotional problems or traumatic experiences. No wonder I’ve heard people say Americans seem cold. I’ve developed some habits from living in other countries. I kiss acquiantances and friends on the cheek as a good-bye and occasionally touch people on the arm during conversation. I would be confused if someone reacted negatively to my touching. I suppose you people who need lots of personal space don’t live in big cities and don’t hang out in places I do (like crowded bars), so my odds of running across someone like that are pretty low.
I do agree that touching complete strangers is a big no-no. My self-defense instincts make me want to hit anyone that puts a hand on me. Several men have received blows from me.
