Oops. It just occurred to me that I should clarify this for those who don’t know me/my posting history: I’m bi, monogamous, and married a man. On February 19, 2004, some of you might have felt a light breeze riffling through your hair? That was my mother, 3000 miles away, breathing a deep sigh of relief.
Which brings me back to the reason for the thread: tell me about your relationships with your siblings.
**Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?) **
Since I’m still a guest here, I don’t know enough of the history to compare my relationship with my sisters to yours or Sampiro’s, however from what I can gather, it’s somewhere in between. There is no bitterness between my older sister and I, we just live completely different lives. She has made some extremely poor choices in her life, has never taken responsibility for them and is now living with the consequences. I kept a distance between us for many years because everytime I spoke to her she was asking for money. We are slowly trying to rebuild a relationship between us.
I have a step sister who is the same age as me that I was very close with growing up. We were inseperable until just after high school. Both of us were quite wild in school but she never grew up. After school, I left the state, she stayed and got very heavily into drugs. Over the years, she found herself living on the streets of different cities after the boyfriend du jour left her, in jail multiple times for drugs and stealing to support her drug habit, and then finally in and out of hospitals, rehabs and halfway houses. During that time, no one knew how to contact her let alone help her, we fell out of touch. She is currently in a half way house. I haven’t spoken to her in nearly 2 years.
What effect have your parents had on the relationship?
My father always tried to encourage my sister and I to become closer but at the same time, both of my parents would use my sister and I to get back at one another, which led to problems with her and I being close.
The other questions either don’t apply or I don’t have answers for, so I’ve left them out.
Ack! Sorry for the double post, didn’t think the first one went through. The second one has the correct date, the first post was a typo. Can someone report post #40 to a mod as a double? :smack:
Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?)
I possibly rival Master Sampiro for family enmity. Or perhaps I should say that I love my family, but that it now only consists of my wife and children.
What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship?
My parents made us estranged by, of all things, dying.
What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?
They think it’s a damned shame that people who were raised to know better would fall to stupid an petty bickering over materialistic ‘things’.
If you were me, only smarter, what question would you have asked that I haven’t?
I’m not saying I’m smarter; I will say that I’ve ‘been there’, and that can make a difference sometimes. To all who would listen, if there’s an estate to be left, make damn sure the Executor is Never the Trustee also. Also, please itemize who gets what and why.
The Story
My family these days seems to be limited to my wife and my sons. It saddens me, as it wasn’t always so. I was born the youngest of 5 with 3 older sisters and 1 older brother. Being 4 years older, I’m sure I was an annoying tag-a-long brother. But I know that I took beatings for it that I was nowhere near strong enough to defend against, so I have nothing to apologize for there.
We were the children of a strong and good man, an Atticus Finch among men in temperament, fairness and judgment. We, as his children, were his only weakness; that and not being immortal. You see, he always expected greatness from us. He never realized that very few people are truly great in this world and that those traits rarely run in families. What came to him easily was well beyond most of his children’s grasp. One day, to the shock of all of us, he died of a stroke.
How quickly the family that I grew up in splintered, fractured, and shattered after that is shocking even to me. My mother lost the ability to take care of herself and went into assisted living inside of 6 months. Two of my sisters engaged in a tug-of-war over china, antiques, with a “you got that…I want that!” mentality that drives them to Harpie-esque screaming matches to this day. My third sister went into a severe depression and has never really recovered (she’s still not really ‘functional’ in my book). My brother, the executor and also mom’s custodian, became aloof and secretive about my father’s and mother’s assets. Ugly accusations were traded and dirty tricks played, with one or another trying to drag me into their petty little wars. I actually posted here about it in years past; if the threads haven’t been swallowed by time, space, and internet. Search for ‘EBS’ or ‘Evil Bitch Sister’ if you want some truly painful dirt.
One even had the gall to call me up on my cell in the middle of the Magic Kingdom, a trip I’d saved 5 years for and that was very special to me and to my boys, and bitch about how my brother was stealing money for 60 Og-damn minutes. (Why I didn’t hang-up or smash my phone and walk away I still don’t know.)
Then, this past May, my mother passed. Everyone showed, and put on painted smiles for the show, but it was all an act. I know now that I not only buried my mother that weekend…but I also buried the family i grew up with too. Now, there are still calls: “Where’s the will? What are the assets? Who gets what? Where’s my check?” I let the answering machine get them now. The law says I’ll get a fifth, and I know this will all be carried out to the letter of the law. I don’t go to relatives houses for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I no longer invite them to mine either. I have my family, and I spend my time with my wife, my boys, and my friends. I make an OK salary and I’ve never lived beyond my means. If/when I get what it’s allowed that I get, I’ll put it into a CD for my kids’ college expenses. I think my Mom and my Dad would have liked it used for that anyway. Yes, I do miss seeing my nieces and nephews grow up, but some things are just… Toxic. 
Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?)
I have 8 siblings, a brother a year older, 2 younger sisters and 5 younger brothers. I wasn’t close to my older brother growing up at all. We had different interests, social circles and friends. Now that he is an adult we have a great relationship. We both independently moved out to Southern California and in the past two years we have made up for all the years we spent apart. We are very open to each other and don’t keep much secrets. His girlfriend was surprised at how close we are now, saying that she would never say that she had a “fuckbuddy” in front of any of her family members, but I didn’t know my brother growing up so it doesn’t feel strange to say it in front of him.
I was very close to my next youngest sibling, a brother. We used to verbally roleplay together and every non-school morning I’d go up to his room or he’d come down to mine and we would verbally roleplay or watch tv. He had a pet bunny that we’d play with hwile hanging out together. My mom was concerned about it at one point. I wasn’t supposed to have a tv in my room, but I snuck in a little portable one. We were watching our favorite cartoon early one morning when she came into the room without knocking. I kicked the blanket over the tv to hide it and I am sure we both looked very guilty. After she found out we were watching cartoons she looked visibly relieved. Before I had a serious romantic relationship, I used to think that there couldn’t be any form of love stronger than the one shared between my brother and I. It’s different than a romantic kind of a love, it’s a very, very deep friendship. Even when we were very little, we were very close. My mom reports that when we were 5 and 3, I had him act as a lookout while I stole candies. I wouldn’t have trusted my older brother with such an important mission. When he developed cancer, I was crushed. I thought I would die if he died too. He recovered and is doing well now. However, interests, time, and distance seperated us and we don’t talk often now.
The brother under him and I had a very interesting relationship. He was never close to any of us, due to his very unique personality. He’s a fascinating individual. I can sit and talk to him for hours and I love hanging out with him but we just aren’t close. Now that his mental illnesses are being treated better than before, I can see us becoming close. My older brother and I took him out on his 21st birthday to get drunk. We also told him that if he wanted to smoke some weed, we’d hook him up. He’s the biggest nerd I’ve ever met and I’m intensely proud of him.
The sister under me is very dear to me. I would want two maids of honor at any future wedding - my sister and my best friend. I live with my best friend, so we are closer but the bond that I used to share with my sister has never broken. Whenever I go home it’s like I never left. We were often mistaken for twins or lesbians due to our closeness. I think that being girls in a family mostly composed of boys pushed us together, but we also share a lot of common interests. We tend to love the same tv shows and whenever she tells me to watch a series, I know I will love it.
I’m not as close to the rest of my siblings. I enjoy hanging out with them and visiting them, but I’ve never shared my private thoughts with them much less call them on their birthdays. I figure once they go to college that will change, as us college/professional kids have become very close.
What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship?
I don’t think my parents had any effect on our relationships. Distance has made us closer or futher apart. Birth order had a lot to do with who was close growing up. I think I became intensely close with the brother immediately under me because he was hospitalized when he was a few years old. One of the few memories I have from those early years is the ambulance coming to take him away.
What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?
A lot of them have expressed jealously. I always have a sibling to go to - for any sort of matter. At home, there is always someone around so feeling lonely is very hard. When my friends came over in high school, they enjoyed the insanity of my house. Even the ones that I am not close to I would still do things for them that many siblings won’t. Whenever I go back to Ohio I’ll drive them to the mall or take them to the movies. The middle sister delayed getting her drivers license because there was always someone willing to take her wherever she needed to go.
I love my family.
Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?) I’ve got one (younger) sister, and we’re not particularly close, emotionally or geographically. We rarely talk (besides birthdays and Christmas) and get most of our information about each other through our Mom.
What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship? I’ve never really not gotten along with her, but I can’t relate to her in any way–her interests, her priorities, her mindset, her attitudes (moral, political, etc.). She shows a profound lack of curiosity about so many things that I find we rarely have anything to talk about beyond her children (who I see maybe once a year).
I think since we became adults, that inability to relate has been aggravated by a remarkably different sets of memories about our childhood. For some reason, she thinks that our parents were, in many ways, unfair and unreasonable about a whole variety of things. There is some anecdotal evidence to support this, but for the most part, we had it pretty good, and while I choose to look back on mostly the positive things, she tends to look back from a curiously negative POV. If anything, being older (and more outgoing, and more independent) meant I was the one who “broke” my parents into new attitudes/arguments/behaviors more, bearing the brunt of that learning curve. If anything, she was the one who was more of a “model” child–a transparently calculated approach that did wonders for her while I was in the house, but something I suspect backfired once I’d left the roost.
In any case, that’s all water under the bridge for me, but she still carries a chip on her shoulder about the way my Mom and (late) Dad treated us. I don’t get it, but it seems so petty.
What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it? My wife is always shocked when we go and visit them, because though they’ll beg for us to stay with them, they are remarkably inconsiderate as hosts (especially my BIL). It’s almost as if they’re doing us a favor by letting us near the kids, and are almost completely indifferent to us otherwise (though in a sing-songy “pleasant” way). My wife has 13 siblings, so they run the gamut, but I’ve never felt like her family did anything but freely embrace me (as loopy or as dysfunctional as some of them are). But my sister acts like she couldn’t care less.
Personally, I don’t really care much, but it breaks my mom’s heart. She’ll constantly say “Once I’m gone, you’ll only have each other”. Unfortunately, my sister doesn’t treat my Mom much better. This, again, shocks my wife, but we’ve decided to pick our battles and not really confront them about any of it, because (a) they’re so insular I don’t think they would recognize their own behavior as pointed out to them, (b) their kids are great and we would hate to have access cut or curtailed any more than it is already, © my Mom has asked that we not create a fuss or stir the waters, also for the previous two reasons, and (d) fundamentally, I don’t think they really respect our interests, mindset, priorities, attitudes, etc. so it’d be falling on deaf ears anyway.
Naturally, this doesn’t stop us from doing what we can for them (we’re financially better off) and offering to help them in any number of ways (the boys in particular have been beset by health problems). I do this more out of famial responsibility–it’s what you’re supposed to do with family. I love my sister, but can’t say I particularly like her much (or enjoy her company). Sounds kinda bad, I know, but I can’t help but feel that way. I’m just hoping that when the kids get old enough, I’ll find a connection with them that shows them a different way of looking at the world than my sister’s cloistered existence allows.
Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?)
Fluctuating. We’ve had some good times, but the bad times were so bad, it was very difficult to make up for them.
What’s made you close, or estranged?
Age gap. “Marcia” and “Jan” were 17 and 12 when I was born. Both gone from the house by the time I was 5. Jan was estranged from the family for many years. Marcia and I got along great for a while, but when I was about 9, she started using cocaine, and her drinking spiraled out of control, and her drama-queen tendencies became all-consuming.
What effect have your parents had on the relationship?
My mom doesn’t even know that Jan and I are still in contact. She insists that Jan was just born bad, and always paints herself and Marcia as innocent victims. This is bull, for reasons I won’t go into, but I’ve never seen the point in throwing down with her over it.
As for Marcia, she and my mom closed ranks against me at the worst possible stage of my development for that to happen. My mom just sat on her fat ass and let Marcia (who was 28 at the time) act like a snotty 13 y/o. If Marcia had been 13, any reasonable parent would have intervened. But when you’ve got two people drinking every day, they get to where they don’t want to be bothered with anyone outside that bubble.
Would have been nice if they could have let me join the conversation once in a while. Would have been nice if my mom had said “Don’t talk to your sister like that,” when Marcia was screaming at me for trying to join in their superimportant conversation about “Three’s Company”. Would have been nice if she’d reassured me that she still loved me, despite how Marcia was acting. Would have been nice if they’d said hello when I came home from school. But as a pre-teen, I was convinced that adults were always right, and therefore I deserved this treatment.
What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?
Usually I get a :eek: reaction. Degree depends on if they know Marcia and for how long, because she’s very gregarious with acquaintances. However, if she’s known someone long enough to let down her defenses…
If you’re an only child, what are your opinions about sibling relationships?
Since I was effectively an only, I often thought I would have given a kidney, or the use of my legs, for siblings who were close to me in age. I was well aware that siblings don’t get along 100% of the time, but that still beats long stretches of loneliness punctuated by explosions of dysfunction. Again I say, Marcia’s attitude towards me would have been unremarkable if she’d been 2-5 years older. But coming from an adult, it did damage that took years to repair.
Would you have any relationships with your family members if you didn’t have to?
Since my parents and sister both live in Vegas, I have more contact with Marcia than I otherwise would. That’s okay with me, since recently Marcia has convinced herself that she was the bestest older sister to me. The fantasy is appealing, so I don’t correct her.
Beyond that, I do strive to keep in touch with Jan, and recently with “Brad”, Marcia’s son. A few years ago, I came to realize that he’s the closest thing I have to a brother. I’m also the only one who believes him wholeheartedly when he talks about his horrible childhood. We get along great, and there’s no sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop, as there is with Marcia.
Do you believe that ultimately people have to make peace with their parents?
Sometimes you just can’t. What I’ve chosen to do, rather than seek an apology from my mom which will never come, is to be aware of children/teens who are currently getting the short end, and be the good adult with them. Can’t undo what was done to me, but I can damn well keep from standing by and watching it happen to others.
Are you as close as the Rhymer clan, or as bitter as Sampiro & Co. (Or me and my hated brother, for that matter?)
Not close - live 3,000 miles away - they want to come for Christmas, I’m dreading it and trying to put them off.
What’s made you close, or estranged? What effect have your parents had on the relationship?
My dad my abuser (he’s dead now), my mum I can’t blame, but I can’t trust her I feel I was the scapegoat - spent some time in a childrens home then came home and told to “just get on with it.” My sister is a year older than me, yet I protected her and carried my terrible secrets for years. Dad robbed me of being an innocent little sister. I was made out to be a difficult child … well I wonder why. My brother is 4 years younger and as a boy he idolised me, but in growing up he became disappointed with my disfunction. I have since told my sis some of the stuff and she does remembers the old man coming into our room at night I was on the bottom bunk. She said she used to feel hurt because I was mum’s favourite and dad’s too. Now she knows why. I hated being the favourite and the favours that went with it.
What do your friends, spouses, and other close people in your life think of it?
They understand
If you’re an only child, what are your opinions about sibling relationships? N/A
If you were me, only smarter, what question would you have asked that I haven’t?
Are you happy with how the relationships are?
No, I wish I could be closer to them all but I can’t seem to stop wanting to be as far away as possible - what’s sad is that my bro & sis are not responsible for my distance.
It’s a mixed bag.
We didn’t get along well as children. He had a better relationship with our mother than I did, and I resented it. This resulted in a lot of fighting and bickering throughout our childhood.
Not living with him, I appreciate him more for his wit, his humor and his kind heart, but frankly we just don’t share that many common interests. We are friendly, but sometimes go many months without seeing each other or talking much. I can honestly say that I like him now, and enjoy his company.
I don’t think I’ve talked with my brother more than once in over 15 years. I’m Gay and he’s a born again Christian, who makes no bones about the fact that he thinks Gays and Lesbians are “sick”.
My partner of 20 years is very close with his family and kept telling me that my brother couldn’t be as bad as I said.
When my partner met my brother for the first (and last) time about 15 years ago, my brother managed to show his true colours within three minutes. My brother said something about me “finally having a real job”, not like when I “used to work with people with AIDS”.
When I said that working with people with AIDS was certainly a real, and important job, my brother’s comment was, “No it isn’t, they should just castrate them all”. My partner and I decided at that point, family or not, this man is just plain ** evil **, and we weren’t going to waste energy on him ever again. :mad:
My brother died in 1977. However, for the two years prior to that, we were pretty much on the outs because of his drinking and drug abuse.
My sister lives in California and I’m close emotionally to her. I don’t get to see her anywhere near as much as I’d like.
My brother and I… when he was little, he suffered an accident at my sixth birthday party–ran full-tilt into a glass screen door we had at the time; the glass shattered on impact–and had to go to the hospital for stitches and everything.
For a few years after that, I was really really overprotective of him, to the point where it got suffocating and miserable for both of us. Fortunately, we’ve grown apart now into a much healthier relationship. We still got each other’s backs. 