A little weak for the Pit, so it goes here, but I really am annoyed. Forgive me in advance for typing “resume” without the French diacriticals; I’m too lazy and you know I mean reh-zuh-may, not re-zoom.
So, last Friday I posted a job (as in, I’m doing the hiring) on CareerBuilder. I’m hiring another Call Center Operator for the medical practice I work at. Job duties include setting up appointments for new and current patients, answering questions about surgical procedures we perform, obtaining and verifying health insurance information…basic patient services type stuff.
I’ve received over 250 applications, and you would not believe some of the crap I’ve had to sift through. Here are a few observations/open retorts, based on applications I’ve received:
If I say “bilingual (Spanish) preferred,” and “medical office experience preferred,” and you have neither one, there better be something else pretty damned special about you or you’re just wasting your time by applying.
That something special needs to be more impressive than recent employment at McDonald’s.
Titling your attached resume “God’s Ordained Resume” might be impressive if you’re applying for a job in a church. Here at the doctor’s office, we roll our eyes a little, then look at your qualifications. Then, as it turns out, we roll our eyes some more.
On this topic, so many of these resumes are loaded with ham-handed references to the applicant’s religion. It’s embarrassing - like meeting 250 people in a lineup and having two-thirds of them try and give you a wink and a secret handshake. Don’t you people realize that I can’t, legally, let it count for or against you that your “other interests” include I am blessed to belong to Holy Mount Shiloh New Dimensions Celebration of Worship (a Spirit Filled, Purpose Driven Church)?
Dear Sir: What in the job description I posted led you to believe you could reasonably ask for $60,000 a year? Tell you what. When I make that much, I’ll give you a call.
When your resume starts with “Objective: Finds pleasure in Team work, fully devoted and always motivated in carrying out assigned task, both in academic works and also in a professional and productive working environment. Always eager to carry out quality and acceptable services,” then includes “excellent writer” under special skills, that indicates a shocking lack of self-awareness. Also, are you sure you know what an objective is?
This may be the most devoid-of-meaning sentence I’ve ever read: Objective - To attain an occupation under the classification or field of work/study that seeks to aid in the advancement of the career that I seek to gain.AARRGGGHH!!!
Time to pick at people’s spelling and grammar: I have at least ten resumes from people who have been, or want to become a “manger.” Um…isn’t that the thing Jesus was born in? Or did you mean manager, numbnuts? People, proofread. Spell check. Your resume is your first (and in your case, only) contact with a prospective employer. As it happens, I’m hiring for a job where typos are costly and clear writing is a must.
I guess what really burns my ass is that it’s so easy to apply for jobs on CareerBuilder that people take the “shotgun” approach. They apply to every single posted job, regardless of whether they meet any of the qualifications, and just figure they’ll get a call back from someone. I guess I can’t blame them; they’re trying to find a job, and it isn’t their job to make my life easier.
A couple months ago, I hired a secretary. Some of the resumes I got were especially sad considering I was hiring for a clerical position, in the large department of a school district. I specifically wanted people with experience in a school, school district office or something similar. (We’re a weird culture, and people who have been in a school have one less thing to acclimate to)
One lady, in citing her prior school experience, included that yes, she attended school.
Another, explaining her bilingual skill said she is proficient in reading and writing in spanish but it not yet comfortable with her verbal skills. Yeah, that would do me a lot of good when Mrs. Esquivel calls asking about her son’s bus, huh?
Being on the other side of this -
I am not, nor have I ever been, a “great match” for your Web Developer position. That is why my resume never mentions http, web design, programming, or anything else that’s in your job description. I can maintain and
If you really think that a software test engineer would make an excellent salesperson, your company is doomed to fail faster than (insert some rude analogy thing involving Paris Hilton and/or Lindsey Lohan).
That part of the profile where it says “Willing to relocate? No.” right below the “Permanent/long term” means I’m not interested in your crappy little 6 month contract gig in Atlanta. Stop calling me about it.
And Oracle, if you can’t find a Unix admin to fill that spot in Colorado Springs after this long, there’s something wrong on your side. Don’t just keep reposting it month after month, I’m sick of seeing it.
Yeah, it was my experience as a test engineer that after a while your job consists of complaining about crappy your product is. These are not the guys you want trying to sell it!
One of these days you’ll get the person that hires a lawyer, because they don’t have the correct skills for a job and are not hired. I’ve seen it happen. It took a month of lawyer reviewed correspondence on both sides, to put the case to rest. The applicant didn’t get the job or any settlement. They finally admitted in documentation, that they couldn’t meet the job requirements. They expected a doctors medical excuse to excuse them from the primary duty of the job.
“ARE YOU A SELF STARTER. TELL US WHY YOUR PERFECT FOR THIS POSITION. I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF CAPS LOCK. I CANNOT SPELL OR PUNCTUATE SENTENCES BUT I WILL BE WHO DECIDING WEATHER YOU WORK FOR US.”
Career counselors convince us that our resumes will go completely unnoticed unless we riddle them with “keywords” like “implemented,” “utilized,” “coordinated,” and “facilitated.” The job application process so often strips away any candor, humor, or personality that a person could potentially bring to the workplace!
I hate applying for jobs because I feel like I’m trying to prove myself as the shiniest robot.
Qazzz, this was fantastic, perhaps because it’s so true. I always find myself wondering how so many people given responsibility for making decisions don’t seem to have more than a passing familiarity with written communication. I guess it’s because they’re self starters?
