I think Pat Boone (along with others, of course) recorded that song, didn’t he? Now, if you had to choose between being a Pat Boone fan or gay, which would it be?
Oh dear. I just answered one single friggin’ question on this test and was immediately told:
Huh. And I always thought I was straight. Or at least a very deeply closeted gay male.
Oh well, it’s not as if that’s the be-all-and-end-all of queer tests (or, as I like to call them, ‘quests’). But this one is:
My results for this quest are:
Higher than 99%?! That’s pretty damn gay! But… :eek: did I just say ‘butt’? I mean ‘bum’…NO! I mean ‘however’!
However, that’s not necessarily 100%. I might just be 99.1% gay. It could be that I’m simply an extremely clean and fashion-conscious straight male who just happens to appreciate the aesthetic qualities of the penis. I’d better take another quest to make sure.
went the trolleeeeeey,
Ding, ding, ding went the bell.
Zing, zing, zing went my heart strings
OK, in my defence, I’m pretty sure that was on The Simpsons. Yep, The Simpsons. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! What? What are you looking at?
No no no no, I didn’t just say that! I actually said: Why? Why are you looking at me? Okay, okay, fine, I give up.
I am gay.
There, I said it. Are you happy now, world? I’m gay. Gay gay gay gay gay. That’s what I am. And I’m proud of it. I’m an out, loud and proud faaaaaaaaaaaabulous homosexual. I love smoking the male pipe. My evening’s not complete without some meat in the seat. I enjoy having sexual relations with other men. Yep, I believe the technical term for that is ‘gay’. Which is what I am. I’m gay.
Wow, that felt good. It’s nice knowing that I no longer have to live a lie. Especially a lie that I had absolutely no idea I was living.
Now, how does the toaster thing work? Do frog princess, Inner Stickler and DMark all get toasters? Or is it only issued to the person who delivers the final blow? Hehehe, ‘blow’. Do I get a toaster? After all, I did supply the homosaywhat quest that got me in the end. I certainly hope I get a toaster, because that would mean I have THREE toasters! That one, the one I earned by converting WhyNot, and the one I use to toast bread.
And I’m certain that having THREE toasters will make me irresistible to the ladies. 
“I don’t know what is wrong with you. I know you’re gay from the time… you BORN. And I hold you in my arms and think, Oh, she’s so beautiful, she’s so beautiful, WHAT A DYKE. What a big dyke! And I think she will grow up to be PE teacher, or play tennis, or something… and I’m so happy! I don’t know what is wrong with you. You think I do not know about the gay, but I know about the gay. I know many thing about the gay! I have a k. d. lang album!”
OK, guys. I hate to ruin the moment, but I’m pretty sure I’m not gay anymore.
'Cause now I’m in love with Mbossa.
If we get married, will someone give him another toaster? 'Cause they’re going to have to take mine away from him. 
But Mbossa is gay now! You poor kids, life just isn’t working out for you.
(I need a new toaster - mine has gotten unreliable. Maybe my husband or I should turn gay.)
Oh wont somebody please butter my bread!
I have a toaster, but it only works on one side? The bread won’t stay down on the other side?
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN!!!
Only if it’s free. 'Cause, you know, like the memory supplement commercial says, “If they’re giving it away for free, it’s gotta be good.”
Oh, and I took the test. Only my test involved another guy, some peanut butter, 3 bicycle baskets and a first edition copy of “The Pickwick Papers.”
Yeah, I’m gay.
I took a test like that once, I failed though… guess I’m straight
Yesterday I worked up the sack to ask out this really hot chick that I’ve known for a long time. She said yes. I was gay all night. Then this morning she changed her answer. I’m not feeling gay at all today. Maybe with time I’ll be gay again. I hope to someday be really, really, fantastically, flamingly gay.
Huh? Listen, Pooh-Bear, some of us he men love that movie. The opening has hot college chicks running around in their panties. Plus, it’s how I learned to bend and snap.
I won a toaster once, but I had to take it apart to see how it worked, and put it together again all souped up. Then I just stared lovingly at all the tools I had brought out for the job… Ah, DeWalt…
What test? Battery testing? Compression testing?
A GAY test??? Who, me??? My life-partner/co-mom (to canids and felids)/partner in Flannel and all the cats would be so shocked…
Sweetie-pie, I am having an amazingly difficult time picturing you as a he-man. Plus you probably knew who the panty designers were so that takes away your macho cred. 
Ok, I took the test, enclosed the five dollars, sent it off, and now I have to wait six to eight weeks for the results? I’m getting married in two! Darn it, now I’m gonna have to postpone the wedding until I’m sure…
Bullshit. Sweetie, I couldn’t name a panty designer if you held a gun to my head. Sure, my toolbox is full of beading supplies, but that’s just so I can make jewelry to give to hot babes in return for sexual favors. And granted, I spend more time in the kitchen than in the lumber yard. And yes, I think the latest fashion in women’s shoes is hideous and tacky. Oh, and I color coordinate when I dress. And I’ve wondered what it would be like to be a hairdresser. And I think Ted Allen is hot hot hot.
Oh fuck.
Yep. About 5% of you, if I recall the statistics correctly.
Oh come on, it’s got Reese Witherspoon, Selma Blair, Ali Larter, Jessica Cauffiel and Raquel Welch. All wearing FABULOUS shoes!
Bitch. You owe me. We’ll talk when you find your dignity. Of course, if I respect you, I’ll never let you touch me there.
Well, you know, if you play your cards right, we could kill two birds with one stone 
Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet
:smack: Ah, crap! That also means I won’t get a toaster for converting myself. And you’ll never love me if I only have one toaster. 
WhyNot: Oh no! The last five slices in this loaf of bread have gone a bit dry! Whatever shall I do? I mean, they’re still edible, but I won’t really enjoy them that much.
Mbossa: Never fear! For I have…drumroll…thunderclap…orchestral crescendo complete with cannons…A TOASTER!!!
WhyNot: swoon
Mbossa:
WhyNot: But wait a minute! Your toaster can only fit two slices of bread. How am I gonna cook all five?
Mbossa: Well you could just toast two at a time. It will only take a few minutes…
WhyNot: slap That’s not good enough! I want a divorce!
And somewhere out there, Alfred Kinsey is either turning over in his grave or wishing he’d thought of it first.