Are you lonely?

[Misnomer]

I just surprised myself: when I first read the poll question I figured I’d say “yes,” but after some thought I realized that I’m actually not lonely at all.

I’m 46, and have lived alone since 1994 – except from 6/2008 to 6/2009, when I lived with an ex-boyfriend. I’ve only had a handful of relationships, and haven’t had a date since the last one ended (~5 years ago). I have no family nearby, and my mother is dead. By all rights, I should be lonely as hell…but I’m not (sometimes I do long for romantic companionship, but I think that’s different). I credit three main things:[ul]
[li]Music. My life is full of social interaction with people I enjoy. At work, sure, but also I’m part of the local jazz community: I have my own gigs, I participate in workshops and go to jam sessions, and when I feel like hearing live music there is likely to be someone I know at any given event. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t love everyone in the community, but most of them are good people and I’ve made some solid friendships. [/li][li]Friends. I have a small circle of very close non-music friends; I can call on any of them whenever I’m tired of my own company.[/li][li]Dog. I spend a lot of time at home, and frankly a huge part of my non-loneliness is my dog. I know that sounds trite, but I adopted her as a puppy while I was living with my ex and even though I’ve been the only person in my house for the past 9 years, I don’t really feel like I live alone. She really is an awesome companion. I know she won’t live forever, though; I dread the day when I have to go home to an empty house.[/li][/ul]

[Beckdawrek]

I totally agree with you on pets^^^^
I have 2 little dogs and 2 cats living with me. They have filled me with love and companionship more than I can say. When Mr.Wrekker is on one of his many trips they have filled the empty spot. I will never be without a pet, no matter what.

[Misnomer]

@Beckdawrek

I will never be without a pet, no matter what.

As much as I know I’ll miss my dog terribly and it’ll suck to be home without her, I won’t be replacing her. I didn’t plan/intend to be a single dog owner, and I won’t do it again. I imagine going out more during the week. I’ll also move, possibly to a condo downtown. I love my girl to pieces and can’t regret adopting her, but being single with a dog is kind of a pain in the ass. Also, I’ve had one pet or another for 26 of the last 32 years: I’ll be ready to live without fur for a while.

[gytalf2000]

I like people okay, but I don’t need to be around them that much, being an introvert. So I enjoy being alone! Nope, not lonely.

[not_what_you_d_expect]

I am horribly lonely. I thought I was lonely while I was still married, which is why we split up after more than 30 years, but that kind of loneliness was nothing compared to this.

I believe this problem will take years off of my life if I don’t solve it soon.

[Robot_Arm]

@The_wind_of_my_soul

Have I stumbled into an alternate reality where loneliness is now a permanent state of being?? I’m baffled that such a question can be posed and confidently answered by so many people!! Sometimes I feel surrounded by love and support, and other times I feel lonely. I don’t feel lonely at this exact moment, but in the past week I have certainly felt loneliness, and also in the past week I have had moments where I feel warm and fuzzy at all the people I have around me to listen to and support me when I needed it.

Any poll is just a snapshot of how people felt at the time it was taken. Run this again in a year and you get different responses.

@PlaceboTarget

I am not lonely.

I do enjoy solitude and I even like darkness. I can spend hours on the porch at night gazing at the stars wondering about all the people that have lived on Earth so far. When in an apartment building I stay up long after everyone has turned in and gaze out the window at the dark city, dark roads and dark buildings wondering about the people behind the dark windows.

Are you male? If so, wear a tank top, sit in your window with one foot on the fire escape, and softly play the trumpet while a neon light blinks in the window of the bar across the street, and you would be the coolest person, ever.

Better still if you can do it in black-and-white.

[TRC4941]

I’ve never felt lonely. I grew up in a house with both parents and 3 sisters. Always had dogs and/or cats. My husband and I were married and had our kids young. We’ve also always had dogs and cats. We still live in the same area as the rest of our families. Our daughter though is 2 hours away. Our son died 3 years ago. So I guess if anything, I feel lonely for my son. We were very close. He’d call me every day and I’d see him a couple times a week. But that’s missing someone, not really the same as being lonely.

I myself LOVE being alone. I like the quiet, I like how things stay neat and clean, I like watching what I want and eating when and what I want. But that doesn’t happen too often. My husband is home when I’m home. Sometimes I’ll take a day off just to be in my house alone! But even then the dogs are with me.

IF I ever felt lonely, I could always call a sister or friend.

[control-z]

I like solitude. I like social contact. I like solitude more.

[Thudlow_Boink]

@Robot_Arm

I find it odd that the poll only offers yes and no. I tend to think of it more as a sliding scale, like from 1 to 10.

This—but also, there are many different types of loneliness. For example, there’s acute loneliness and there’s chronic loneliness. There’s the loneliness of the person who’s single and desperately wishes they weren’t, the loneliness of the person in a loveless marriage, and the loneliness of the person who’s in a happy and healthy relationship who has become separated from their loved one by long absence or death. There’s the longing for physical contact, the longing for belonging, the longing for someone to do things with. Etc.

[Siam_Sam]

@epbrown01

I’ve never been lonely. I blame my upbringing, which was in a house with multiple generations that were very social; peace and quiet were hard to come by and decades later I still love coming home to an empty house wherein nothing has been moved, borrowed without asking, broken without explanation, or gone missing (my burgeoning coin collection disappeared when a cousin wanted a soda and needed change, for instance).

Ironically, I think I got the best of both worlds - thanks to my upbringing, I’m pretty well socialized and have no problem with groups of people or gatherings. But I enjoy being alone, and friends have long said getting me to attend a random gathering is a chore.

I would say “credit” instead of “blame.” But my upbringing was the opposite experience. I grew up in West Texas – we ended up there due to a job offer for my father. He was from California, my mother from Arkansas, and in West Texas we had no relatives close by at all, nary a one, so I never got used to being close to family. Can’t miss what you never had.

[PlaceboTarget]

@Robot_Arm

Are you male? If so, wear a tank top, sit in your window with one foot on the fire escape, and softly play the trumpet while a neon light blinks in the window of the bar across the street, and you would be the coolest person, ever.

Better still if you can do it in black-and-white.

What an abrupt fall from my anthropologic stance to cinematic frivolity.

For some vague reason your last remark reminds me of Henry Babbacombe in Malcolm Bradbury’s novella but don’t forget human vison is monochrome in poor light.

I wonder how your concept would alter if I were a female.

[GuanoLad]

I’ve been alone my whole life, even when I had people around me. I’ve gotten used to it, and now prefer it, even though I have missed out on a lo of experiences that may have enriched me.

But, essentially, yes. I am lonely.

[Isamu]

There are people I miss (Luv ya Teji-boy! Why did you move back to England?) But I don’t think I’ve ever been lonely. I have all my friends and family in my head.

[Sage_Rat]

I’m curious how one is supposed to read the research results? Given that life has a 100% fatality rate, I’m not sure what it means to say that there is a “50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships.”

[molten]

I used to feel lonely but now I don’t even remember the last time that happened. I have moved from a country where I had several good friends and family to a country where I knew no one and have not really made any friends in. You’d imagine I feel more lonely here, but it is the opposite (over time).

In my experience there are at least two kinds of loneliness:
(1) when you have experienced amazing chemistry with a person and it burned out, and now you miss that experience, so as your mind is solving the problem of how to have the most fun, it directs you to make new social connections because that is the only way to find it again. The reason I no longer have this I estimate… nah I ain’t got a theory for this one. I don’t know why it happened.

(2) when you have a trait that none of your friends share. The reason I no longer have this is because I have travelled and I got into all the places where I’d expect to meet anyone like myself, and the rational part of my mind has decided that given the # of interactions that, I have done enough work and I truly know that even if there were another person like me statistically speaking we would never meet, and the waste of time of looking for such a person isn’t worth the estimated result. For example I feel that if I knew for certain that if I do the work I will find that person in exactly 10 years, than that amount of work is not worth finding that person, as I can do better things instead. Once you hit that realization, at least for me, you no longer feel this type of loneliness. The key and the hardest part is to figure out where your mind – RIGHT NOW – with no logic or analysis – intuitively thinks there are people like you (or that would understand you) then you need to get there and have a sufficient # of interactions and that’s it. This is just a theory I just though of, and it probably isn’t true because these things cannot really be analytically reduced, but it is an ~approximation.

[Robot_Arm]

@PlaceboTarget

What an abrupt fall from my anthropologic stance to cinematic frivolity.

For some vague reason your last remark reminds me of Henry Babbacombe in Malcolm Bradbury’s novella but don’t forget human vison is monochrome in poor light.

Actually, I just stole the whole thing from an old episode of Moonlighting.

I wonder how your concept would alter if I were a female.

Halter instead of a tank top, and there’d be an old, clattering, electric fan blowing your hair back.

[The_wind_of_my_soul]

@Robot_Arm

Any poll is just a snapshot of how people felt at the time it was taken. Run this again in a year and you get different responses.

Fair enough, but if you were to ask, say, “Are you single?” or “Do you like eggnog?”, my answer might change by this time next year, but it usually won’t change later that same day, the way a question like “are you lonely?” very likely could.

[Jackmannii]

You don’t have to be lonely, at Farmers Only dot com.

You just have to put up with talking horses and people that dress funny.

[jz78817]

@control-z

I like solitude. I like social contact. I like solitude more.

this. I’d have to answer “No” to the poll, since to me “lonely” means “desires companionship but doesn’t have it.” I don’t feel any burning need to be with anyone. I’d say it’s more accurate to say I’m somewhat bored.

[kopek]

I went no but its more a “yes and no” for me. I have no shortage of friends and people I can call to do things with (shooting, fishing, riding) and people I can call on when I need help with something; but sometimes I do feel a sort of loneliness that is hard to describe. Not bothersome but still there.