Areas of your life where you have failed to be a functioning adult

My work here is done. ::Kung Fu theme goes here::

I’ve become better about making a list before heading out for errands. And I remember to take the list with me at least half the time.

I’m proud of the fact that I got the Christmas tree down and the ornaments put away in time for St. Patrick’s Day. Not in time for Valentine’s Day, though.

I’ve never mastered the art of ironing a shirt so it’s Don Draper-style crisp. Ditto trousers.

Fortunately, I don’t have to look like Don Draper for work so I can get away with “presentable”, which even I can manage.

I haven’t been to a dentist since my parents stopped forcing me to go. My teeth are white and shiny and everything seems fine. No one has complained of mouth odor. I have a strong gag reflex and a simple dentist visit involves repeated vomiting all over the dentist. I am aware that not seeing a dentist is a potential problem but I just can’t go.

I was watching The Big Lebowski last week and the move narrator mentioned that “some days you kill the b’ar, some days the b’ar kills you.” It occurred to me that I’ve never even attempted to kill a bear.

This is where a smartphone has been life changing. I used to write lists on whatever random scrap of paper I could find, then about half the time remember the list, then if I remember to bring the list I might remember to look at it in the store. Now I make lists on my phone, and typically always have my phone with me (again, never really felt compelled to have it until it was smart enough to entertain me waiting in line at walmart.) I still have not mastered the art of checking my phone for shit I need before leaving the house, though. Maybe some day…

I got that beat, I got that beat: I take pix of unfamiliar products on the grocery list and send them to my wife; I make mistakes NO MORE!

Well, right at the moment I’m failing at the have-medicine-and-chicken-soup-and-Kleenex-in-the-house-in-advance-because-it-sucks-to-have-to-go-out-and-buy-them-when-you’re-sick thing.

Also, decorating and having an inviting living space. It’s all serviceable (well, the couch is getting a bit saggy) but I don’t really have a nesting instinct that everything has to be just so. Got a new bed a couple years ago and I sleep like a log, but never make it.

Never bothered with a Tivo, and rarely use any of the Netflix/Hulu/OnDemand type stuff. Don’t know why; there are a few shows I fall behind on because they’re on nights when I’m doing something else.

And the whole dating/relationship thing. A longstanding problem, that.

That’s a sore subject with me. I often get reprimanded with extreme prejudice by our community HOA for keeping my X-mas decorations up past 12:01AM, December 26. I swear, the old biddy HOA president does nothing but putter up and down my street every day looking for something she can punish me for. I won’t stoop so low as to Godwinize this post…however, she is a dead ringer Joseph Stalin.

*“Hey, maybe I like to keep Inflatable Santa up through Easter to represent Jesus dying for your sins, lady” *(Santa looks a little like Jesus when I deflate him a bit); and keeping the X-mas lights up through July 4 represents ‘the bombs bursting in air’, you unpatriotic old biddy.”

It’s not just X-mas decorations:

*“You have 15 days to remove the poison ivy growing on your fence.” (hey, I don’t have poison ivy on my fence, Ms. Horticulturist…it’s poison oak). *

“You have 15 days to disinter the body you buried in your front yard last week.” (hey, we just wanted grandma to be close to grandpa). Ok, I made that one up, but, you get my point.

I’m just ticked off because just just yesterday I spent $300 to get my roof pressure-washed in response to, *“your case will be brought before the board April 15 and you will be fined daily if you don’t remove the mold from your roof.” *The pressure-washer guy said there was no mold on my roof, it was just a little dirt.

My only satisfaction comes in making her send an initial letter, then two certified letters to comply before I do as she demands. This is my “Attica.”

I don’t drive. My parents avoided teaching me out of stupidity, and since then life has just gotten in the way. I’m almost 40 and shit is ridiculous. I need to drive. But, I have few friends, I have small kids, my husband works late,no babysitter, and frankly, I’m on meds that would preclude me driving were I to announce them. But I’ve had a driver permit probably 13 times and never took the test. How do I do this…

Mowing the lawns. I always hand that job over to someone else. I do most other domestic tasks when needed, though I’m a bit slack and irregular, but not yard-work.

I was surprised when I first lived alone how many tasks I could do without much difficulty. All the times I tried to avoid responsibilities and leave them for others to do, and they turned out to be no real hardship at all.

Mind you, I haven’t washed windows in a long time either. They’re in a horrible state.

Well, I’m almost 40 and a confirmed bachelorette, so I’ve got most of the basics down, but two failings immediately come to mind.

I have never had a confrontation with a noisy neighbor, a maniplative friend, a jerk in the parking lot, etc., because I…just…can’t! I just put up with a lot, until I can’t do it anymore, and then I simply remove myself from the situation entirely. I feel like I wouldn’t even know how to have a mature and fruitful confrontation in the first place, because I don’t thnk I’ve ever seen one in person.

I cannot use magic markers without getting ink all over my hands.

This nearly happened to me. I was a nervous teenager and my mom just didn’t consider it a priority. :mad: When I was 21 and had a kid but no job and no way to get there, it became a priority and I had to take driving lessons from a professional. My daughter was a nervous driver too, but I was adamant that she would get her license. I wish you lived by me and I could help you. (Though come to think of it, teaching folks to drive is awful scary too).

Crap. Add this to my list too!

My late husband and I used to cook together. Even as he got sicker, he’d still get in a chair near me and be my sous chef. It was adorable. Well, it’s been five months now, and I haven’t adulted once with cooking since he’s been gone. Truly, if it weren’t for eating out and the occasional pass along from my family, I’d live off bagels and cream cheese, minute rice and sandwiches. And somedays, even sandwiches are too much trouble.

Hopefully, I’ll get it together before I have my own area code.

Haggling for a better deal when purchasing something. I don’t have the confidence to do it. My older sister one day convinced a Target cashier to sell her a mop for super cheap because it was under the wrong price sticker. I stood there like a 5-year old watching a business transaction so complicated they don’t even know what they’re seeing. Just adults doing highly advanced adult things.

I would say money management. I have always had good jobs and good credit ratings but have never invested like I shoud have. I counted on my pension and home appreciation. Having been retired a few years I am ok financialy but really should and could have been a lot better off and in a better psoition to do more things I enjoy doing.

I don’t make the bed, and I think the Three Stooges are funny. And I am currently wearing Batman socks.

Regards,
Shodan

“Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.”

Virtually all, in practical terms. This is the fundamental symptom of ADD: the absence of executive functioning, which is essentially adult functioning. Features: inability to exercise self-restraint, delay gratification, envision, establish and pursue goals, etc.

So yeah, I missed the grownup boat across the board.